Chapter Ten
STELLA AWOKE TO an empty bed, a full heart, and a head full of worry. Last night she’d felt closer to Logan than she’d ever felt to anyone, but would it be weird with him today? What if he regretted opening up to her?
The bed is empty. Of course he regrets it.
She knew it was too much to hope for, to be normal again. To allow herself to feel something for a man again. Rational thinking went out the door as hatred for Kutcher pushed her insecurities, which had magnified over the last few months, to the surface, convoluting her thoughts. Worry turned to disappointment, which quickly turned to anger.
She threw the blankets off and stomped into the bathroom, where she found fresh towels and all of her personal items unpacked.
Hm.
That was a sweet gesture for a guy who regretted being with her.
She showered and came out of the bathroom wrapped in a plush towel and knelt beside her bags. Logan came into the room and sat on the edge of the bed.
“I already unpacked for you. I hope you don’t mind, but I figured it might make you more comfortable.” He was shirtless, wearing a pair of faded jeans that rode dangerously low on his hips.
“Oh.” She rose, and he reached for her, drawing her down to his lap. “Thank you.”
He had an easy smile—definitely not the look of a man who was using her. He looked more relaxed than she’d ever seen him.
“You okay?” He brushed her wet hair from her shoulder.
“Uh-huh.” Hope swelled inside her, and when fear tried to quell it, she forced that fear aside. She’d felt enough disappointment in her life. She wanted to enjoy this, to allow herself to feel happy again.
“Embarrassed about last night?”
“No. I’m just really nervous.” She might as well get all her fears out in the open; otherwise however long they were together would suck.
“Stella—”
“Wait. You don’t have to say it. I know. Last night was a fluke. We got caught up in the heat of the moment. I get it.”
“Sweetheart, is that how you feel?” The tone was soft, but she saw the muscles in his jaw jump.
“Is…isn’t that what you were going to say?” Why was she speaking so softly?
“No.” His baby blues pierced a path straight to her heart. “I don’t say things I don’t mean. I don’t do things I don’t want to. If I had wanted to fuck you, I’d have fucked you.” He looked away, his eyes filled with confusion. “Maybe I suck at this. I’ve never felt for anyone what I feel for you, so maybe that felt like fucking to you, but to—”
“No. No, that wasn’t…that at all.” She couldn’t even say fuck right now. Before meeting Kutcher, she’d hardly ever sworn. She hadn’t realized until this very second how much of herself Kutcher had stolen.
“Logan, I feel it, too. But something is happening to me. I don’t understand it, and I don’t know how to describe it, but…” She pressed her lips together, trying to figure out how to explain what she was feeling. “The person I was before Kutcher isn’t the same one I am now, or at least not completely. I know that sounds crazy, but when we were together that first time at my apartment, that was the girl I became with Kutcher.”
“I understand.” His eyes were filled with compassion, but his jaw was still tight.
“No. I worry you don’t, and a guy like you…” She dragged her eyes down his impressive physique, feeling like she’d better memorize it quickly, because like everything else good in her life, it probably wouldn’t last long. Some sexy chick who liked to fuck could take him away in a hot second.
“A guy like you would get bored with the real me.”
He drew his brows together. “Bored? Nothing about you is easy or boring.” He kissed her softly. “Stella. I love that you trust me enough to share your real name with me.”
“You probably already knew it.”
“Yes, but you gave it to me, and that means you trust me. At least a little.”
She looked up at the ceiling and groaned. “A lot. That’s the problem.”
“Stella, just spit it out. What’s bothering you?”
“I’m not who you think I am,” she said before she could chicken out.
“You’re not Stella Krane?”
“No! I’m not a girl who says fuck me to a guy. I’m not a girl who blows a guy she just met. I was trying to shed my fear. You know, to break away, lose myself in lust. I was trying to erase the past.”
“Stella, you can’t erase the past. The past happened. Trust me, I’ve tried to erase the past for years, and no matter what, the goddamn past is still there.”
“I know…”
“Do you? Because if you do, then you have to also know that I accept your past. I want to help you move forward from your past. I want to put away the asshole who made your past take over your present.” His face tightened. “I want to kill him, but I won’t because that wouldn’t allow me to be part of your future.”
“My…Logan.” She could hardly believe the things he was saying, but his voice, the way his eyes filled with sincerity, and her heart, were telling her that this was real and that Logan was a good man. An honest man.
She was done being someone she wasn’t. She wanted Logan to know the real Stella Krane. The one she was proud of, the one she hoped could still return. The Stella Krane who wanted to bring him home to meet her mother.
“There’s more. I want you to know how far I am from being the person I used to be. You know that guy in the bar? The one I know you heard me tell to go home and fuck his wife?” She covered her face, her cheeks burning with shame. She hadn’t wanted to say the vile word. She felt his arms circle her waist. “I’m not that girl either.”
“Okay, so you don’t like to talk dirty.” He said this like it was no big deal. As if he’d said, Okay, so you don’t like turkey. “All these emotions are new for both of us, and it scares me shitless, too.”
“It does?” She couldn’t imagine Logan being scared of anything.
“Yes, but I want this.”
“But I’m so messed up.”
Logan pressed his lips to hers again. “Kutcher’s messed up. You’re scared. There’s a difference. I will never hurt you, Stella, and I’ll never let anyone else lay a hand on you ever again.”
She’d forgotten what it felt like to be cared about and to let herself hope. His confidence was arresting and reassuring, and it gave her strength.
“So stop worrying. Clean talk, dirty talk, no talk? It’s not the words you use that give them meaning, Stella. It’s the emotions driving them.”
She felt her cheeks flush. “I like talking dirty with you, but I think I like it when it means more than…you know.”
“Stella Krane, I want more with you. I want everything you’re willing to give.”