Stupid, stupid, stupid.

It was all so fucking stupid and completely and totally my fault.

After watching Adam walk and then drive away, going fuck knows where, I sauntered back inside. I shut off the light. But I didn’t move. I just stood there, gently swaying, feeling like I was on the precipice of either being wracked with sobs or running to the bathroom and being sick.

The image of Adam’s eyes was still burned in my mind. Big and dark, open and caring. He was so earnest, the look on his face almost innocent as he stood in my doorway, but all I could do was throw jab after icy jab right at him.

Because that’s what I do, isn’t it? Isolate myself. Whether it’s by staying in Fox Hollow all my fucking life while all my friends moved far away, finding success and forgetting me, or whether it’s by pushing away people that care for me.

And obviously I couldn’t deny that when I saw Adam’s eyes.

There was no hint of malice there. No sign that he had purposely kept secret paying for my mom’s bills so that he could pity me from atop a mountain of pretension.

He really just fucking wanted to help me, and I couldn’t accept that.

I took in a deep, shaky breath in the dark and then pawed at the side table for my keys. I didn’t grab anything else, and I left out my front door, wandering out into the moonlit night completely aimless. Adam’s truck was still gone, of course. For all I knew, he’d be gone permanently. His reputation preceded him, and everyone seemed to know that Adam never stayed in one place for very long.

Maybe he was gone forever. Maybe he’d be out of the country by tomorrow, or the end of the week. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time Adam had moved unexpectedly.

The clouds broke in sheets in the sky, occasionally allowing the moonlight to peek through and otherwise shrouding even that small bit of shine.

As I walked, stuffing my hands in the pockets of my hoodie, I could barely keep track of reality. It didn’t help that I was drunk as hell, but honestly I felt more intoxicated by the swirling vortex of emotions than anything else.

Had I seriously told Adam that I loved him? My skin prickled as I remembered bits and pieces of what I’d said to him.

It was dumb. Why even tell him the truth about how I felt if I couldn’t even be with him? It was like a last ditch Hail Mary pass, as I realized that if I was going to lose Adam forever, he might as well know how I really felt. It wouldn’t make a difference. I’d still been an asshole. Ungrateful. Cold.

Hell, I’d probably been undeserving of Adam the entire time I’d known him.

And with my mom…

I felt fresh tears at the corners of my eyes, cool in the night air as I quickened my pace down the street and around the corner. It was all too much.

If my mom’s medical bills were completely paid off now… why did I suddenly feel paralyzed about leaving Fox Hollow? Why did I feel like I couldn’t leave, no matter how hard I tried?

I realized slowly that part of me was still scared to leave.

And maybe that’s part of the reason I hadn’t left far sooner. Because who would I be, in a different city? Just another fish in a huge pond, searching aimlessly for something to make me happy.

And as I thought about my mom, and what everyone always said about me: that I was a “great son,” that I did so much for her, and that she was so lucky to have me, all I could feel was that I was a liar.

I lied to my mom about who I was. I’d known probably since I was 14 that I was attracted to men. But I’d never told her, and the only reason was my own fear. Fear that she’d judge me. Even fear that it would just be awkward.

I stopped in my tracks on the sidewalk, trees surrounding me, as I realized something chilling.

Was I pushing Adam away because I was too scared of what being in love with him might mean? Because if he loved me even a tenth as much as I loved him, the implications were massive. I wanted him. I wanted all of him, and I wouldn’t mind if I had him forever.

But forever meant there would be nowhere to hide. I would have to tell my mom, unless I wanted to spend the rest of my life in secret. How could I do something like marry another man, let alone having him as a long-term boyfriend? The obvious answer was that I couldn’t, I couldn’t live like that, I would have to choose one way or the other.

Being truthful with my mother, or never being able to be with a man I loved.

I continued down the street, walking slow and in a daze. I walked past my old elementary school, then past the park, and then down the familiar streets of my childhood.

And then I saw it. A lamp post, a house, a moment in time.

It was the house my bully lived in when we were kids. I remembered all the times he’d shouted at me, thrown rocks, called me a “sissy.” Even the one time he tried to punch me, and he’d barely made contact but still scraped the side of my face.

But then I remembered Adam.

I’d told Adam about the bully, and he’d pulled me under this lamp post, kissed me, and told me to remember him whenever I walked by the house.

I staggered to lean against the post, bending over slightly as tears streamed down my face faster than they’d fallen all night. I sobbed, the sound echoing just lightly in the night air, though no one was around to hear.

I stayed that way for a good ten minutes at least, though I certainly wasn’t keeping track of time. But after I let it out, and the tears slowly stopped coming, I felt a clarity like I hadn’t in weeks, or maybe longer.

Because I knew what I had to do. It seemed so obvious to me, now, like there was no other option, and I didn’t feel trapped or sad or scared. I just felt resolute.

And so I started back up the road, going the opposite direction, back up to my street, knowing that even if I never saw Adam again, he had changed my life forever.