Chapter 23
Lucy cradled the mug of hot chocolate between her palms. Unable to sleep, she’d tossed and turned for hours before coming downstairs to make a hot drink. No sign of even a yawn so far, so she continued to huddle in front of the Aga, basking in its gentle warmth. The chill that had settled in her bones owed little to the early hours of a semi-autumnal morning.
What a car crash of an evening. Even though she’d gone into more detail about the assignment, she still hadn’t told her family the whole story about the true nature of the resort, how she’d come to feel about Logan, or his previous connection with Diana. Sam knew more, of course, but not everything. The omission had led to some strongly worded advice once they were alone to come clean. He’d then joined her other siblings in one of the barns, no doubt for their own council of war. They still hadn’t returned to the house, and Lucy wasn’t entirely convinced they weren’t on their way to London, ready to take a scalp. Or worse.
One thing she hadn’t mentioned—and never would until her dying day—was the whole D/s aspect of what had happened with Logan, and what she’d discovered about herself. She needed to talk to someone, to unburden herself of the full truth about her relationship with Logan. It wasn’t something she could discuss with any of her friends, but maybe she could talk to Sam. Like all her brothers, he was an experienced man of the world, and given the courteous, protective way they were with the women they’d dated, he might understand the D/s thing at least a little.
Or maybe not, given the surgery he’d already threatened to carry out on a certain part of Logan’s anatomy. Besides, she had enough inner conflict going on as it was. Her fighting spirit had taken a leave of absence when she’d walked away from Logan like a whipped puppy, but now it was back and spoiling for a rematch. She wanted to fight for the man, but logic asked a vital question—what would be the point?
Pick your fights, and only fight if you can win. Her brothers had drummed that into her years ago.
First of all, who exactly was the enemy here?
Logan, because he preferred another woman? No one could control whom they were attracted to, she’d said it herself, so many times.
Diana, then. Yes, go on, start a catfight with the woman he loves, and see how far that gets you.
Logic didn’t stop there, either. It also insisted that life wasn’t fair, and she wasn’t a special snowflake. She needed to get over herself and move on. Logan had made his decision—he wanted Diana, and there was nothing Lucy could do about it.
Enough.
She could live without having that stupid ass of a man in her life. If he wanted the witch, let him have her. Lucy’s dream job had been handed to her on a plate, and all she had to do was accept the offer.
And yet, every paradise had its snake, and in this case, it was her memories of Logan, of being with him in the most intimate way a woman could be with a man. Could she really work alongside him after that? It was a whole boiling mess of conflict, and the only way to avoid it was to walk away from her dream.
Lucy took another comforting sip of her hot drink. A few hours ago, everything had seemed so straightforward—she had a new career all lined up and Logan was out of her life. She hadn’t even been home a day and all her family was upset with her about the former, and her idiot heart wouldn’t accept the latter.
“Now that your father’s finally asleep and the boys have made themselves scarce, I thought you and I could have a calm, sensible discussion about what you so very carefully avoided telling us.”
Her mother’s voice gently breaking into her thoughts gave her a start. “Don’t sneak up on me like that, Mum! Where are the boys? I haven’t heard them come in.”
“Oh no, young lady—I’m not falling for any diversionary tactics. And I wasn’t sneaking. Wherever the boys are, they’ll be fine, and if they come back before we finish our conversation, they know better than to interrupt us. So—why don’t you tell me exactly how deeply involved with Mr. Simmonds you are?”
Technically she wasn’t involved, because he wasn’t involved. He’d made it very clear he wasn’t involved, and didn’t want to be involved.
Lucy gave a resigned sigh. She knew that tone of her mother’s—there was no wriggling out of this one. “Would you like some hot chocolate?”
“You stay there—I’ll make it.”
Lucy watched her mother busy herself with warming some more milk. While she was waiting, Rachel moved another chair from the kitchen table to the other side of the range. Lucy shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She’d been fifteen the last time she’d gone through a maternal interrogation session, and all of a sudden she felt like that headstrong teenager again.
Her mother remained silent until she sat down and took a drink. Then she looked squarely at Lucy. “So what gives? I know Sam knows something we don’t, but he’s not telling. This Logan—he wasn’t just your partner on the mission, was he?”
Why on earth she’d thought she could hide something so significant from her mother, she had no idea. Lucy shook her head, and gave a short, ironic laugh. “When I first saw him in the office, I thought he was really attractive, but there was something dark about him. And although he was okay to begin with, he became this rude, arrogant so-and-so—”
“But not so rude and arrogant that you didn’t develop feelings for him.” Her mother’s voice was gentle and understanding.
“He taught me what I needed to know for the mission, and…” Lucy gave a helpless shrug.
“You fell in love. Much like I did with my Jack. Don’t look so surprised. Just because your father was a decent human being by the time you came along doesn’t mean he was always like that, you know.” Her mouth curved into a gentle smile of reminiscence. “He had a reputation for being grumpy and surly, and he snarled at everyone who went near him.”
“You met at a Young Farmers dance, didn’t you?”
“We did. I lost a bet with my friend, and I had to go and poke the grizzly. I poked him enough to get through his defences, and by the end of the evening, I was in love.”
Lucy’s eyebrows reflected her reaction to hearing that part of the story for the first time. “What about Dad?”
“He was more than happy to walk me home after the dance, even though it was about three miles. We arrived at my front door, where he asked me if he could take me out the next evening, and then he kissed me.”
Lucy couldn’t help but chuckle at the mental image. “What a romantic! It sounds like the grizzly was turning into a teddy bear.”
“Oh, he was.” Rachel beamed. “He managed to hold out for three weeks before he asked me to marry him. I only found out when he gave his speech at the reception that by the time we reached the front gate that first night, he was ready to propose then.”
Lucy spluttered. “Why have you never told me this before, Mum? Do the boys know?”
“Of course not! And I’m only telling you on the understanding that we girls keep it to ourselves.”
“Why? Too soppy for the big, strong men?”
“Not at all, dear—I’m just looking forward to the time when all of them fall the way your father did. I don’t want them to have any advance warning that it could happen like that for them.”
Her mother’s expression reminded Lucy of a cream-sated feline. “Seriously?”
“Seriously.” Rachel sipped her hot chocolate, then sat back and crossed her legs at the ankles. “I think that’s enough of a distraction—tell me all about Mr. Logan Simmonds.”
Lucy’s stomach turned into a boulder. “There’s nothing to tell.”
“You’ve always had an expressive face, love, and right now, it’s telling me a very different story. I can’t make you spill the beans, but you might find you feel better if you get whatever it is off your chest.”
The knot of pain in Lucy’s heart doubled in size. Denial would be a hell of a lot easier if she didn’t say the words aloud, but a part of her wanted desperately to unload.
“I’ll tell you what, why don’t we go into the sitting room and make ourselves comfortable?”
Her mother’s gentle suggestion brought the sting of tears to Lucy’s eyes. She’d made the right decision about Logan—she was convinced she had—but if she told her mother about the man who gave her sleepless nights for all the wrong reasons, she could end up giving in to the unspoken hopes that wouldn’t leave her in peace.
A hand on her shoulder brought Lucy out of her introspection. When her gaze met her mother’s, her stomach clenched—the last secrets of her time with Logan were at the threshold of exposure, and the question now was not if she revealed them, but how far she went in revealing them.
“You already know I volunteered for the assignment and why, even though I’d have to work alongside someone I couldn’t stand.”
Lucy’s hands tightened around her mug. Mentally, she was playing for time, trying to weigh up how not to give her mother a heart attack. When she thought of all the things she’d done with Logan…
“You always were impetuous,” Rachel observed. “Instead of trying to work out what you can and can’t tell me, why don’t you just tell me everything? Whatever you say, it’ll be our secret. I’ve been around a while—I’m not easily shocked, you know.”
Maybe so, but Lucy baulked at trying to explain anything that even hinted at the cliché of “whips and chains”. She’d been brought up to be strong and independent, attributes her mother valued highly—how could she possibly admit or even allude to the appeal of ceding control to a man, even if it were only in an intimate context? She could barely explain it to herself—trying to get someone else to understand was a gargantuan task.
“You know we were posing as a couple, at that resort.”
“Nenufar, I believe you said. That’s a pretty name. It means ‘water lily’ in Spanish, doesn’t it?”
Lucy nodded. A stylised water lily had formed part of the resort’s logo. “It… It’s a bit different from what you’d expect of the average holiday resort.”
“Adults only? I doubt there’s much call for children’s entertainers there, then.”
If only her mother knew. No, best not to go there. “Something like that. Before we went, I… that is, Logan… He had some useful prior experience, so we spent a few days… I suppose you could call it ‘knowledge transfer’. I had to learn about working undercover, and because I was working so closely with him, I got to see another side of him. Then when we got there…”
“The effect of sun, sea, sand and proximity?”
“You could say that. I realised he wasn’t as rude and obnoxious as I’d thought…”
“And you fell in love with him.”
Lucy managed a small smile. “Not as quickly as you did with Dad. With hindsight, the feelings were growing before we left, but I didn’t acknowledge it till later. Anyway, our investigation was going nowhere, and we thought we’d be heading back empty-handed. Then… to cut a long story short, we got a lead, something to work with, and… attracted the wrong kind of attention.”
“That’s when you were kidnapped?”
Lucy nodded. “Pretty much. I’ve never been so scared, but at the same time, I knew losing my head wasn’t going to help. And Logan was with me.”
“You’d just realised you were in love when you were thrown into a high-adrenaline situation.”
“Which was why I never said anything to Logan about how I felt. It was an abnormal environment even before we were taken, and I wanted to be sure what I was feeling was real. We were about to come home, and I thought there’d be plenty of time to… figure it out.”
Funny how a hug from her mother could make any awful situation better, even if it was only temporarily. Lucy carried on with her story. “Then they brought Diana to the cell. She zeroed in on him like a ballistic missile, and he did nothing to deflect her. Turned out she was his ex. I don’t know who dumped who. I can guess, but it would have been obvious to a blind man he wasn’t averse to getting back together with her.”
“Did he tell you that? Either then or later?”
“He didn’t have to. I got the message loud and clear from the way he was with her, and she had no trouble warning me off. Not that I needed to be warned off. Anyway, we got away, Sam’s ship picked us up—”
“He saw Logan with Diana?”
“Glimpses. The authorities met us in Miami, and after we answered some questions, we flew home. End of story.”
“How can it be the end when you still love him?”
“How I feel doesn’t matter. It can’t—he doesn’t feel the same way about me.” She’d seen him with Diana—all the proof she needed.
“Are you sure about that?”
“As sure as I can be. As sure as I need to be.”
“You know, it’s really not like you to give up so easily. Have you thought about fighting back?”
Lucy smiled, but in her heart there was only sadness. “Funny you should say that. I had been thinking about it, but it would cause nothing but trouble.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe the truth is something you haven’t considered.”
“Such as?” Lucy doubted it, but she had to ask.
“With a man, the truth could be anything. I’ve known your father for nearly forty years, and he still surprises me. Men have a totally different thought process from women.” Rachel snorted. “If you can call it thinking.”
“You think I should confront him, then?”
“I think assumptions are dangerous things to make, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Give it some thought.”
Flashbacks flooded Lucy’s mind. The restraints, the floggers… Oh lord, the demo. How on earth could she explain that and all the pleasure and peace it had given her? How she’d felt, knowing Logan’s concentration was fully devoted to her and what he was doing to her, the soaring ecstasy that sent her gladly to her knees in front of the only man ever to make her wonder if this was what forever love felt like. Her mother would never understand. “I will, although I’m not even sure it was real now.”
“It was real, love. If it wasn’t, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Have you thought about what it’ll be like when you go back to work, seeing him every day?”
“I might not have to see him that much. He’ll move on to his next assignment, and I have training for my new job to look forward to.”
“And what then? What if you’re assigned to work with him again? Have you thought about that?”
Her mother knew all the questions to ask. “I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t, but on the other hand, it wouldn’t be very professional to allow this… episode to affect my work. It could be dangerous, too, which is why I have to put this behind me.”
“What if you have to go undercover as a couple again?”
“I don’t think it’ll happen.” Lucy couldn’t bear the thought.
“Don’t count on that. I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I do think you should give serious consideration to finding out the truth. If the situation is as you believe, then nothing changes, but if you’re wrong and you don’t do anything about it, you could be turning your back on something special. Think about it.
“And no matter how you feel right now, be honest with yourself. Don’t be afraid of the truth.”
Rachel hugged her daughter and kissed her forehead. “You see? It wasn’t so bad, was it? Now get some sleep. It’s all you can do right now anyway, but I can guarantee that by morning, you’ll know what to do for the best. Off to bed with you, now.”
She waited until the bedroom door closed behind Lucy, then headed along the hallway to return to her own bed, and her husband.
Far from being asleep as she’d told Lucy he was, Jack was sitting up in bed, engrossed in a novel, just as she’d left him—sometimes, a little white lie was necessary when in pursuit of a higher goal.
Rachel closed the door as quietly as possible, and snapped the lock into place. She toed off her slippers, stripped off her dressing gown and nightdress, and knelt in perfect presentation position at her husband’s side of the bed, content to wait until he was ready to address her, and find out if her mission had been successful.
Jack set aside his book, and without a word, picked up the soft leather play collar from the nightstand. He fastened it around Rachel’s neck, taking care to centre the D-ring, then threaded his fingers through her hair. She gave a soft sigh of pleasure.
“Did your plan work, love?” he asked as he continued to stroke her hair. “Or is she still trying to protect us from the horrible truth about Nenufar?”
“Yes and no, Master. She still hasn’t admitted anything about the nature of where she’s been, but it became abundantly clear that our girl’s a submissive, as we thought. I also believe she’s struggling to reconcile submission with strength of character.”
“What’s your impression of the situation with this Simmonds and the other woman?”
“Master, I know our daughter. I believe her confidence took a hit with her last boyfriend, and now she doubts herself. From what she said about Logan… I think there’s more to it than a simple change of allegiance to an old girlfriend, but I’m not sure what, exactly. It’s almost as if there’s something else going on. Or I could just be seeing something that isn’t there, because I don’t want her to have been rejected by the man she loves in favour of some vicious shrew.”
“You think she loves him?”
“Without a doubt. She’s torn between fighting for him and stepping back with her dignity intact and letting him have what she believes he wants—this Diana person.”
“And he’s a Dom. From what she told us about him and what we know about that place, he has to be. We don’t know the man, but my gut’s telling me he wouldn’t pull a switch like that. What if he did it to protect Lucy from the shrew?”
“Do you think that’s possible, Master?”
Her husband cupped her cheek with his hand. “I know I’d do anything to protect you. If we were in a situation like that, I’d hope you’d trust me and let me explain afterwards, but we have an advantage they don’t.”
More than three decades of love, support and understanding, and a D/s relationship that gave them both what they needed. “Do you think we might have a future son-in-law to vet?”
“If we’re right it’s entirely possible, but both of them will have to overcome her self-doubt.”
“Is there anything we can do, Master?”
“There are probably things we could do, pet, but the question is, should we? I have to say, I think the answer is no. If Simmonds wants our girl, he needs to come for her, and prove her assumptions about him and her doubts about herself are groundless. He has to prove he’s worthy of her love and trust.”
Another matter worried Rachel, even more than her daughter’s emotional wellbeing. “I understand that, Master, but there’s something else—her job, the one she’s been offered.” A job that could end up taking her from her family permanently. Rachel hated the mere thought of it.
A thumb callused by years of manual labour brushed her cheek, wiping away the single tear she hadn’t been able to control. “It’s easy to still see them as the children they used to be, when grazed knees were all we had to worry about. They’re all adults, love, standing on their own two feet and making their own way in life. That means they make their own decisions—and their own mistakes.”
“My head knows that, but my heart… It’s bad enough with the boys, but to think of our Lucy… what almost happened to her… If she goes ahead with her plans, a mistake could get her killed.”
“A mistake could get any of them killed.” Her Dominant’s grave voice was gentle and understanding but held a core of steel. “So could a lack of attention when crossing the road in the village. We always said we’d never interfere with their life choices, just be there for them and help them pick up the pieces if needed. Lucy’s no different from the boys—we owe it to her to respect her freedom to choose, just as we’ve respected theirs.”
“I know, but she’s still my baby.”
“Mine, too, pet. I don’t want to see her take that bloody job any more than you do, but it isn’t our decision to make—it’s hers. Now come to bed—you’ve earned your orgasms tonight.”
Jack opened one of the drawers in the side table, and brought out a bit gag. Rachel quivered in anticipation. Since the last of their children had left home a few years ago, there’d been little practical need for her to keep quiet while her Dom tormented her into climax after climax, but with a houseful of them visiting until after her birthday, silence was once again essential. The two of them might be aware of their children’s preferences when it came to relationships, but they’d successfully concealed their own dedication to the lifestyle from them for nearly thirty-five years, and that was how it was going to stay.
She accepted the bit eagerly, and when Jack tilted her head up with a forefinger under her chin, her gaze connected with his with all the deep, abiding love that had characterised their bond from the day they met.
“Now what is it to be tonight, my love? A little pain with your pleasure?”
The question was rhetorical, since she couldn’t answer. Rachel closed her eyes, and surrendered to her beloved Master.