Chapter 9
For once, Lucy was glad there wasn't a mirror in Logan’s guest bedroom, because if there had been, she wasn’t convinced she wouldn’t be running out of his apartment to go and hide under the nearest rock.
Logan had suggested that she change into her club gear early, so she’d have plenty of time to get used to it before they left for Aegis, but her outfit wasn’t the only thing on her mind.
Next to the outrageously short skirt and the top that just about covered what it needed to, a far larger elephant was gracing her mental room. The psychological pachyderm had been gaining poundage every day she delayed broaching the subject of their relationship for the assignment.
She was running out of time.
She had to raise the matter before they went to the club. At Aegis, they’d be seen by other people, and it had to be on the right footing. Since she’d tried on the outfits at the adult store, Lucy’s conviction that the right footing was an authentic relationship had grown.
The time at Giorgio’s had been a revelation and a turning point. Not only had her perception of who she was been challenged, it was who she wanted to be. She’d seen Logan with fresh eyes, in an environment where he’d been at ease, and now she wanted more, both from him and with him.
And if Logan didn’t feel any attraction towards her? She was a big girl and she’d suck it up. It might make things a little uncomfortable to begin with, but she’d show him it didn’t need to affect their working relationship.
With her resolve set, Lucy finished getting ready for her first evening at Aegis. The sheer black thigh-highs made her legs look even longer, the black stiletto shoes finished them off nicely, and she was now out of excuses.
It was time to face the music, and see if Logan wanted to dance.
~~*~~
So far, so good. They’d made it through the trip to Giorgio’s without killing each other, and Lucy hadn’t had a hissy fit about going to the club.
Giorgio’s had been a close-run thing, though. Logan was still convinced she’d been nursing quiet thoughts of murder when he’d revealed his clothing choices for her during their visit to the kink store.
Surrounded by leather and chrome, he’d felt instantly at home on entering the discreet premises. The scent alone had been enough to propel him into an achingly familiar place he’d never been able to find as a service Top. He’d caught the puzzled glance Lucy had sent his way, almost as if she were seeing him for the first time, and then been amazed by a subtle change in her behaviour. Her lashes had lowered, and she’d clasped her hands together, standing there as silent and respectful as a true submissive would, while he discussed her clothing requirements with Giorgio.
The attitude adjustment had lasted until they hit the changing room, where she’d given him the hoarsely whispered benefit of her opinion on his selections.
Full? Yes.
Frank? Definitely.
Complimentary? Not a chance in hell.
Yet for all her protests, they’d still walked out of there with his choices intact. On the way back to the apartment, however, she’d remained subdued, as if something weighed heavily on her mind. It bothered him then, and still did now.
Lucy was changing into one of the outfits—he’d suggested an early change to ease her into playing the role of a submissive. The visit would be significant for both of them—for Lucy, it would provide her first experience of a club environment, while for him, it would be the first time he turned up accompanied by a sub with whom he’d spend the entire evening. Was it right that he should feel so relieved he’d only joined Aegis after Sophia?
He’d also suggested that she wear the most modest of the outfits they’d bought, a choice that had nothing whatsoever to do with this gut-twisting sense of possession he’d started experiencing every time he looked at her.
Which was a big, fat, stinking lie, and he knew it—like so many other lies he’d told himself since meeting Lucy for the first time. The truth was very simple, and his time of hiding from it was up.
He wanted Lucy.
Strengthened by a suspicion that there might be more to her interest in the lifestyle than learning about it for the mission, that craving had finally overwhelmed the guilt that had held it in check for so long. Not only did he desire her—he wanted to show her how beautiful a relationship based on Domination and submission could be.
For all their somewhat lively sotto voce discussion about her outfits at Giorgio’s place, Lucy had still acquiesced to his choices. Add to that her interest in the display of leather ankle and wrist cuffs, and no wonder he’d started asking questions. Willing to take a chance, he’d installed her and their purchases in the Jensen, then returned on a spurious excuse to add a full set of cuffs, which were now stashed in the nightstand. The matching collar lay on the coffee table.
Would she come clean before they left for the club? He’d debated whether or not to open up the conversation himself, but had come to the conclusion that it had to be her choice. What he did need to do, though, was let her know that they’d be meeting up with a friend and former colleague of his. The timing wasn’t perfect, but with Moll due to leave the country in less than forty-eight hours on what was likely to be his last deployment, there was no other option.
Sean “Molly” Malone had joined the club around the same time as Logan. Unlike Logan, he favoured the submissive side of the D/s slash. As a serving Royal, he was often unreachable for extended periods, but that would come to an end when he was discharged in a few months’ time. The last time they’d talked, Logan had told him about the unit, and he had a feeling that Moll wanted to grill him some more.
“Are you sure I have to do this without underwear?”
If it were up to him, she’d be doing it in a chastity belt. Resisting the primitive, chest-beating urge to throw her over his shoulder and carry her off to his bedroom was turning into a task of Herculean proportions.
He turned to face her. Tension crackled and sparked, explosive enough to set fire to the space that separated them. Dry-mouthed, he dragged in a breath, but it wasn’t enough to calm the sense of vertigo swirling inside him.
“You look amazing.”
A soft pink bloomed in her cheeks. She lowered her head, but he could still catch a hint of the slightly awkward, embarrassed smile.
“Thanks. I don’t exactly feel it, though. Will I do, Sir?”
For a novice, she was damn near perfect. Did she really not know how stunning she was? “Look at me.”
Her eyes snapped to his. The fear that shadowed them disturbed him. Was he such an ogre?
“Come here.”
He saw only one issue with her appearance, and he had the remedy for that. The collar was soft and narrow—Giorgio’s suggestion when Logan had asked him for a recommendation. If he were collaring a sub for real, he’d choose something more decorative, with a lock only he could open. For now, though, the leather band would convey the message loud and clear that Lucy wasn’t available.
“Princess, at a club like Aegis, there are certain standards and protocols that everyone understands and follows. As my submissive, you’ll be expected to wear—”
“A collar.” She was staring at the strip of black leather, but didn’t seem to be too disturbed by it. If anything, she seemed pleased. “Everyone’ll know I’m with you?”
Logan nodded. “When we get to the club, you’ll also have a colour-coded wristband—so will I. The collar says you’re with me, and the bands will let everyone know we’re not interested in playing with anyone else. You okay with that?”
“Oh yes.” Her smile became a little more natural. “I just hope I don’t mess this up.”
“Don’t worry, you’ll do just fine. Turn around and lift your hair for me.”
As he fastened the collar around her slender neck, Logan was battered by a storm of memories. This was not history repeating itself. Lucy was not Sophia, and the circumstances were entirely different—the women were entirely different. It didn’t stop the trembling in his fingers, but when he laid his hands on her shoulders, her warmth bled into him and saved him from the abyss constantly threatening to swallow up his already blackened soul.
“How does that feel? Not too tight?”
She shook her head. “No, Sir. It’s… strange, but I feel…”
Logan hadn’t been this nervous since he’d foolishly risen to the bungee-jump challenge while on his first official visit to New Zealand. Hell, right now, that would be preferable to waiting for Lucy to find her words.
Her shoulders lifted beneath his palms as she took a deep breath.
“I know I’m not a sub, but… it’s reassuring. Comfortable, even. I think that’s the best way I can describe it.”
So she didn’t think she was submissive? Logan already had his doubts on that score. The changes in her were subtle, but he’d noticed.
“Possibly because a collar is a physical symbol of the rules you don’t find in vanilla relationships.” Logan took hold of her hair and combed it free with his fingers. “Not just the rules you’re expected to obey as my submissive—I mean the rules we all recognise as part of the lifestyle.”
She turned to face him once more. “Yes, but I think there’s more to it than that. It’s what I’ve learned about how essential trust and honesty are, and communication. I almost wish—” She broke off as if she’d said too much.
Logan wasn’t about to let that slide. “Go on. Trust, honesty and communication, remember?”
She took a deep breath. “I almost wish I were a sub. The last couple of days have made me realise how… difficult relationships are outside the lifestyle, because we don’t have that structure.”
Sadness shadowed her words, as if she’d been shown something she could never have. There was a story behind that. Logan wondered if he’d ever find out what that story was. Perhaps one day… if he were to offer that structure to her.
“Suppose you could have it—do you find the possibility attractive?”
A thoughtful light appeared in her eyes. Something thumped in his chest in response.
“How?”
“You know how.”
He waited. The decision was hers to make, and hers alone.
“Logan, I…” She clasped her hands in front of her, stared at them as if using them to focus her thoughts. “Logan, when I rang you, the night before I came here, there was something I wanted to say, but I was too much of a coward to go through with it. I know I’m supposed to play your submissive. I know I’m not submissive, but…”
Logan waited. He’d wait for as long as it took for her to find the words.
“I don’t want to fake this. I… like you, and if you were okay with it, I’d really like… to do this for real. I’d like you to kiss me. I’d like it even more if you… did more than kiss me. Unless you’d rather not?”
The last of his shields crumbled into dust. Captivated by her courage yet again, he cupped her cheek in his palm and stroked the pad of his thumb over the softness of her skin, before threading his fingers through her hair, gripping the silken strands and denying her a last chance to escape him.
He’d reached the point of no return. His soul was already damned and heading for hell, but before he knocked on Satan’s door, he’d introduce her to this world he couldn’t live without, and do his utmost to make it good for her.
“Lucy.” Her name sighed from his lips. “I thought you’d never ask.”