This woman has some fucking tricks up her sleeve, like I ain’t ever seen before. She’s got some ancient Thai tantric shit down. It’s insane. And it’s like she wants me to go crazy on her. The more I do, the more she begs for it. She’s not some girl I met at a bar. This is a functioning, career-oriented woman. This is someone who you’d call a strong woman too. This is definitely the kind of girl you want to make your girlfriend. This is wife material. Shit.

The whole night I’m at her place, we talk, drink, and smoke the occasional cigarette. Everything feels good for once. It’s like a light has opened up in the sky and finally some good fortune has decided to rain down on me.

Seeing her curled up against my body, using me for comfort is something else. I never thought I’d get this chance. I thought that my life was pretty much over once I left Buffalo. I was sure of it, even. I saw the worst a person could probably see, and my life flashed in front of my eyes. Maybe now my luck is turning around.

I hold her close to me, making sure that this never goes out. At least, it won’t tonight.

“You really think this is going to work?” I ask her. I know. It’s something a guy shouldn’t ever ask. You should just assume it’ll work, but in my experience, that’s not how it works. If you assume too much, you’ll lose it all. You can’t ever get too cocky or the sky will start falling, or some other heavy kind of shit.

She wraps her arms around my chest and kisses me, like she always does. “I think if we want it to work, it’ll work,” she says. “And I really want this to work. I really do.”

“Me too,” I sigh. “I never thought I’d meet a woman like you.”

She laughs and looks up at me with those beautiful eyes of hers. Everything bad immediately just drifts away. “You sure about that? Remember when we first met?” she laughs again.

“Yeah, I remember,” I laugh with her. “I was an asshole.”

“I was too,” she shrugs. “I just thought you were some bum looking to scam me or something.”

“Well, I guess I didn’t exactly look like a standup guy in that moment,” I say, thinking back on it. I was covered in grease. I looked like a fucking killer or something. “To be honest, if I saw someone on the side of the road that looked like me, I wouldn’t pick him up. But you did.”

“Normally, I wouldn’t have,” she says. “But something told me I should.”

“Yeah, me blocking the road,” I laugh.

“Maybe,” she says.

“I don’t think you’re stuck up and I don’t think you’re a city girl,” I tell her.

“Well, I am kind of a city girl,” she says. “But I’m doing an okay job out here, I think.”

“Your adaptable,” I say. “But I worry a little. No one in this city has good things to say about my family. Like, Harry. He doesn’t like us and it’s for no good reason. I’m sure more people will have shit to say about us.”

“I don’t care what they have to say. I only care about what you say or do,” she says. “Okay?”

“I’m just glad I met you, strawberry,” I say.

“I like that you call me strawberry,” she says. “It makes me feel unique.”

“You are unique,” I say.

She kisses me, raising her body up to my level. “Let’s try and fight for this. It won’t be easy. I know the town has some weird prejudice against your family, but we don’t need to listen to them. We can just…”

I grab her and kiss her. “Whatever you want,” I say. “I’ve been fighting my whole life. It’s what I was born to do. If you want to fight for this, I’ll stand right beside you.”

We’re basking in the comforts of the unknown future. We’re sitting around the campfire of our desires, and we don’t give a fuck what happens to us. The whole world can be stacked against us, but it doesn’t mean we’re not going to try for this.

Fuck, now she’s gotten me all excited.

The next day, I wake up, expecting my bed to be empty and for her to realize how damn stupid she is for clinging to me. I’m not a guy women fall for. I’m an asshole and I’m intimidating. I know that about myself. Women like my body and they sure as hell like the attitude in a bar. But as soon as the night ends, I usually get them the hell out or they scurry out on their own.

This love business is new to me. At least, at this stage in my life it is. What do I do? Do I hold her hand in public? Do I kiss her on the cheek and smile big when she makes a joke? I have no idea what the right protocol is for this shit.

“Morning,” I say to her. She doesn’t open her eyes. She just makes this cute little noise and stretches, turning toward me. She’s still in the throes of sleep, but she manages to wrap her arms around my chest and hold me. I’m in fucking heaven. The thought comes into my head: what if I died in Buffalo and I just didn’t know it? That would explain a lot, right? I’m just going through the rounds of things I never got around to doing.

No, this is reality and I’m fortunate to find something good in it right now. But whenever there is good, there’s bad lurking around the corner. I’ve found that out the hard way. So, as I hold my angel, I brace for the upcoming car crash that is my life. I never wanted to bring her into all of this, but I guess this is just how it’s gotta be.

When I shut my eyes for the second time, I’m bombarded with those horrible images again. Blood, bullets, the fear. That’s what gets me the most. The images become dull to you after some time. The images you can get over, somewhat. It’s the fear that I can’t let go of. It’s the feeling that someone might be right outside this house with a loaded weapon and intent to destroy. You never fucking know.

I wake up, sweating and shaking. Emma doesn’t notice anything. She sleeps right through my torment. She’s never experienced this kind of pain and I never want her to. Looking at her angelic face right now, it’s like she’s been sleeping on a cloud every night of her life. She’s blessed.

I take her arms off me, gently and walk out of the room. I sit down at the kitchen table and look at the note that was left on my door. What am I going to do?

Emma… if I somehow ruin everything, I hope you know that I’m sorry. I really did love you. I really did try.