CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
THE BRILLIANT SUN BEAMING through the curtains in my bedroom forced my eyes open. Flashes of the previous night came in pieces as I scanned the current state of my bedroom. My stomach knotted. The evidence of my sexual conquest lay on the floor, topped with the piece d’resistance…the ripped condom packet. I didn’t know if I should be relieved or horrified with the knowledge I was sober last night. Well, at least sober enough to know my judgment had not been impaired by liquor. Instead, the cause of the impairment of said judgment lay solely in a pair of crystal blue eyes, a talented tongue, and an erotic voice that had me dropping my panties and spreading my legs faster than the school slut on prom night.
I remained completely still for several seconds, perhaps even minutes, listening for any breathing coming from my king-sized bed. I didn’t know if I was ready to roll over and stare into Noah’s eyes. It wasn’t that I regretted what happened last night. It was far too enjoyable. He had completely hypnotized me, made me want to bear my soul to him. No man had ever been able to crack through the fortress I’d erected. This was precisely why I needed to keep my distance. I liked intimacy without commitment. I liked sex without the trappings of love. I liked fucking with no expectations. I’d never strayed from my well-established rules in all my twenty-nine-plus-one years. I couldn’t do so now.
I clenched my legs, my bladder pleading with me to empty it. I gingerly propped myself up with what I believed to be stealth-like movements, but were probably erratic convulsions that made it appear as if I were suffering from a seizure.
My eyes landed on the opposite side of my bed. I blew out an enormous sigh of relief when I saw it was vacant. I didn’t know if it were possible to do a walk of shame from my own house, but I was sure as hell ready to do so to save myself from having to face Noah in the light of day.
Rushing to the bathroom, I went about my business, then splashed some water on my face, slowly returning to the land of the living. I stumbled back into my bedroom, threw on a t-shirt and pair of shorts, then padded down the hallway on light feet to see if Noah was still here. Thankfully, my living room and kitchen were just as empty as my bedroom.
As I prepared my morning coffee, a folded piece of paper on the kitchen peninsula caught my attention, particularly once I saw my name scrawled on the outside.
Don’t open it. Don’t open it. Don’t open it, a voice in my head teased.
I was never good at listening. I picked it up.
Molly,
As much as I would have loved to stay with you all day, I got called into the hospital. I’ll swing by at seven to take you to dinner. Until then, I’ll be thinking of you and that amazing mouth.
I sank onto one of the barstools, burying my head in my hands. I couldn’t do this. Noah was everything I’d ever imagined my dream man would be — handsome, smart, funny, sexy, caring, genuine. But commitment was a losing game. My mother left my father. Carla left Drew. I had no desire to put my heart on the line with anyone, particularly Noah, a man who could decide at any minute to put his career ahead of me, which he should have done anyway.
As I waited for the kettle to boil, I concocted a new plan. Avoid Noah. Forget about Noah. Hide away so I could focus on finishing my new manuscript. Then, next time I see him, tell him it’s best we go our separate ways and pretend last night never happened.
But I knew damn well that plans were meant to be broken. I just wondered how long it would take before I again wanted to experience that unparalleled high I felt last night as I fell asleep cocooned in Noah’s warm embrace.
~~~~~~~~~~
HAVING FINALLY WASHED MY indiscretions off my body, I grabbed my bag and threw my journal into it. I couldn’t be in my apartment right now. Everywhere I turned, I was faced with another memory of Noah. He’d even infiltrated the one room of my home no one else, other than my brother and Brooklyn, had been allowed into. My office was no longer the safe haven it had once been. Noah’s scent was ingrained in my nostrils. His rough hands were burned on my skin. His kisses were recorded in my memory.
Needing to talk to someone, I barreled through the glass doors of the café, searching for any sign of Drew. I’d tried to get in touch with Brooklyn earlier, but she was in the field all day, accompanying a few social workers on home visits. It was just my luck. Whenever I actually needed to talk about guy problems, my usual confidantes were nowhere to be found.
“Good morning, Molly Mae,” Aunt Gigi called out from behind the counter. “How was the date?”
“It was…” I trailed off, hesitating briefly, “good,” I finished in an unsure voice. “Where’s Drew?”
“He took the girls to the Museum of Science.” She came out from behind the counter and pulled me toward a booth. She slid in, then stared at me, waiting for me to do the same. “I want to hear about this date of yours.”
Reluctantly, I lowered myself into the booth, glancing around the busy café, many patrons stopping by to get their Sunday morning pastries after leaving church.
“What’s his name?”
“No… Paul.”
“Nepal?” She narrowed her inquisitive gaze. “Like the country?”
Besides my brother and Brooklyn, Aunt Gigi knew me better than anyone else. Hell, she’d stepped in and helped my father with us after my mother left. When it was time for “the talk”, it was Aunt Gigi who had the pleasure of having it with me. When I told my father I’d gotten my period, he was on the phone in a flash, calling Gigi to come over.
“Just Paul,” I corrected.
“Mmm-hmm.” She angled her body away from me, squinting. “And what does this Paul do for a living?”
“He’s a doctor.” I rubbed my clammy hands on my jeans. Growing up, Drew and I often joked Aunt Gigi had eyes in the back of her head. Now I was beginning to believe the validity of our childhood belief.
“What kind of medicine does he practice?”
I reminded myself to answer her questions as if speaking about Paul, not Noah. It couldn’t be too hard, could it? Hell, I made up stories for a living.
“He’s a pediatrician,” I answered with confidence.
“Mmm-hmm.” She crossed her arms, pinching her lips. “Now, tell me why you were so frantic to see Drew. You appear a bit flushed this morning, Molly.”
I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth, avoiding her gaze.
“I see.” A slight grin formed. “So you invited Dr. Nepal up for a nightcap?”
“You could say that. And his name is Paul,” I added quickly.
“Of course it is, dear. And when do you plan on seeing Paul again?”
“Hopefully never,” I muttered.
“The hanky-panky was that bad? What about it didn’t satisfy you?”
“Aunt Gigi!” I exclaimed, my face burning. “I’m not going to discuss this with you! And no one says hanky-panky anymore! We call it what it is. Sex. Fucking. Banging. Bumping uglies!”
I expected to get a reaction from her. Instead, her expression remained unnervingly composed. “I’ve read your books, dear.” She placed her hand over mine. “Nothing you say can shock me. So tell me what happened that makes you not want to see him again, even after making love.”
My eyes widened, my heart racing. “Oh no. We did not make love. No, no, no, no, no.”
A sigh escaped Aunt Gigi’s mouth as she gazed upon me fondly. “You know I love you like I do my own children, don’t you?”
“Of course. And I love you as if you were my mother,” I answered.
“Your father loved your mother very much.”
“Too bad she returned that love by completely shattering him.”
“No, Molly.” She shook her head. “She shattered you. You were so young when she left, it affected you more than it did Drew or even your father. They still missed her, but they didn’t act out like you did.” She let out a small laugh. “At first, your father simply thought it was your personality coming through, but there were only so many times he could make excuses when he received a phone call from the principal of your school claiming you’d been teasing other kids who had been dropped off by their mothers, sometimes to the extent of physical altercations.”
I bit my lip, remembering that like it were yesterday. It wasn’t my proudest moment, but I hated hearing how all the other kids in my class got to do fun things with their moms when I didn’t even know where mine was.
“We finally made the decision to put you in therapy.”
My eyes widened. “Wait. What? I never went to therapy! I’d remember being on some shrink’s couch, spilling my guts, him constantly asking me how everything made me feel.”
She smirked. “Child psychologists are a bit different, Molly. Remember when you used to go see Miss Margaret?”
I nodded. “She was my babysitter. Dad took me there so he could go to hockey practice with Drew. We played with toys and she asked me about…” I trailed off as realization washed over me. “You guys tricked me?”
“You made incredible progress in such a short amount of time as Miss Margaret helped you work through all your abandonment issues. She was able to direct all your anger into something that made you happy.”
“Which was?” I felt like Aunt Gigi was talking about a complete stranger, not me.
“Reading and writing. When you were eight or nine, she sent you home with The Diary of Anne Frank.”
I stared off into the distance, then returned my eyes to her, my brow furrowed. “What does any of this have to do with Dad and my mom?”
“Molly, your father loves you and Drew more than anything, although he probably can’t remember what love is anymore. When you and Drew were younger, he didn’t really date because he didn’t want to put you through any more heartache. Your well-being was always his priority. He dated casually, but never got serious, although there were quite a few women with whom he wanted to take things to the next level.”
“So you’re telling me I’m the reason my dad became cynical about love?”
Aunt Gigi shook her head. “Your father was never cynical about love.”
“Then why would he say ‘real love isn’t real life’ all the time?”
“It was something your mother used to say.”
I furrowed my brow, this new information turning everything I thought to be true on its head. All my beliefs, all my actions were now put under a different lens.
“Do you know how they met?” Gigi asked, a nostalgic smile on her face.
I slowly shook my head. I didn’t know much about my mother or her short-lived romance with my father.
“They met right here.”
“Really?”
Gigi nodded. “He’d just taken over running the café. She worked as a waitress in one of the restaurants around here and would come in every day to get a coffee before her shift. One thing led to another and, well… She ended up pregnant about six months later. Before that, she was a bit of a wild child, a free spirit.” Her lips turned up into a small smile. “I see a lot of her in you.”
I scowled, not wanting to be compared to the woman who broke my father’s heart…who broke my heart.
“Now, you can imagine it was quite the scandal, especially considering she was twenty-five and your father had fifteen years on her. Sure, it was the eighties, so having a baby out of wedlock wasn’t that big a deal, but she was from a rather devout Roman Catholic family, just like the one your father and I grew up in. Her father was a Marine, a Vietnam veteran, who was incredibly strict. There wasn’t much of a choice but for your mother and father to get married. They went to City Hall and were married by the Justice of the Peace. Five months later, Drew was born.” She let out a sigh. “I think your father hoped once the baby arrived, things would improve, but they never did. She never glowed when she held Drew in her arms. It was almost like she couldn’t bear to look at him, let alone touch him. You can imagine our surprise when, eighteen months later, she announced she was pregnant again.”
“Wait.” I took a sharp inhale of air, blinking rapidly. “If she wasn’t happy with my dad, then…”
“Don’t worry,” Aunt Gigi answered quickly, obviously aware of what I thought. “He made sure he was the father. Even if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t care. He would still love you as if you were his. You and Drew are the reasons he never regretted the time he’d spent with your mother. After she left, he didn’t think he’d ever hear from her again. One day, she called and asked to see you and Drew.”
My mouth opened. “She did?”
“And your father, being the compassionate and understanding man he was, agreed. She never showed. She called a week later with some excuse. This happened over and over again. Each time, he tried to convince her to come back, try to work things out. Your mother would simply tell him his feelings for her weren’t real, that ‘real love isn’t real life’. Regardless, he did love her. When they were together, he doted on her, gave her everything she ever wanted. He looked at her pregnancy as a blessing. She looked at it as a prison sentence.”
I leaned back in my seat, processing all this information. Most of the decisions I’d made throughout my adult life, as it related to my arrangements, were based on the idea that I didn’t want to end up hurt like my father and Drew. Not getting romantically involved seemed like the only solution. Never in a million years would I have thought I’d turned into my mother instead…a woman who ran from love.
Abruptly standing up, I grabbed my bag. “I have to go.”
Gigi slid out of the booth and stepped in front of me, placing her hands on my shoulders. “I understand this is a lot of information to process, but I thought you should know before you make a decision you’ll regret.”
“I’m scared,” I admitted through the heaviness in my throat. It was the first real thing I’d said in years, if ever.
“I know you are, Molly Mae.” She squeezed my arms. “If you’re not, it’s not love.”
Nausea formed in my stomach at that blasphemous word. I spun from her, dashing out of the café. Feeling big, fat raindrops start to fall, I pulled my umbrella out of my bag. I glanced at the door to my building. Memories of Noah kissing me there less than twenty-four hours ago rushed forward. I tried to suppress them, needing to clear my head and sort through all this new information. I had a plan before talking to Aunt Gigi. Now I didn’t know much of anything.