Chapter Eighteen
Poppy
I practically ran out of class, pulling on my coat and scarf as I went. Zach’s office was in the building, and with our track record I knew if I stuck around too long I’d be sure to run into him. As if on cue, he stepped out of an office down the hall. I made a quick turn and darted around a corner, hoping he hadn’t seen me. I waited, listening for his footsteps. After a few moments of silence, I peered around the corner; he was gone. What the hell am I doing? I was a graduate student and a mom, and here I was cowering behind a wall to avoid a guy. What was wrong with this picture?
I’d been avoiding Zach ever since I went to thank him for fixing my car. That night I let my emotions, and my libido, get the best of me. I’d never expected to feel the way I did about him, but I still didn’t see how we could be together and I worried I was leading him on. I shouldn’t have let things go so far. It was a moment of weakness; I was only human, right? Ever since then I’d been ignoring his texts, and I was sure my mixed signals weren’t going over well.
The problem was, he was moving to New York. And even if he wasn’t … there were no guarantees we could work. Absolutely none, so I was trying not to focus on it.
I headed toward the Daily Grind, a cozy little coffee shop near campus, where I was meeting Kody and Jodee to study. We were in the middle of mid-terms, and I had a new paper due at the end of the week.
“Hey, girl.” Kody grinned at me from behind his laptop.
Jodee was hunched over, her laptop open, with a huge stack of papers next to it. We were seated near the door, and every time it opened a burst of cold air would come in, making Jodee shiver dramatically. She was so focused she hadn’t even looked up when I walked in.
I set my things down on the table and waved a hand near Jodee’s face. “Hey, are you okay? We can move to a different table.”
She finally noticed me with a start.
“Oh, sorry, no it’s fine. I just have to read all these stories people submitted for the literary journal. And I haven’t even started revising my own poems.”
I had nearly forgotten that Jodee was the Assistant Editor at the school literary journal, which meant she had to read almost every story and poem that was submitted on top of her own academic workload.
“I keep telling her she’s going to break her back hunching over like that all day.” Kody shook his head.
I gave Jodee a sympathetic look, but she was already back in her own world. I decided it was best not to bother her again.
“Are you almost done with your poems?” I asked Kody after I’d ordered my usual coffee.
“Close. What about you?”
“I’ve barely started,” I sighed. Between shuttling Connor between school and football practice and working part-time I’d hardly had time to even think about my course work.
I put in my headphones, selecting the opera that I liked to listen to while I wrote. I really needed to focus on revising, but every time the door of the Daily Grind opened a bell rang and I would turn around anxiously. I knew I was being slightly ridiculous, but it wouldn’t surprise me if Zach wandered in here and I didn’t want him sneaking up on me.
“What’s with you? You’re all jumpy,” Kody asked through a mouthful of blueberry muffin.
I hesitated. I knew if I told him I was afraid of Zach walking through the door I’d sound slightly crazy. Then again, they’d seen me in some pretty crazed moments and never judged me.
I shrugged. “It’s not a big deal, I just don’t really want to run into Zach right now.”
“Typical.” Kody gave me a dubious look. “Can you just bone him already so we can stop playing these games?”
I felt myself going red. I hadn’t told either of them what had happened between Zach and me, mostly because I didn’t know how I felt about it myself. Kody noticed my face and narrowed his eyes.
“Hold on, did you two finally go to pound town?”
Jodee looked up from the story she’d been studying.
I wrinkled my nose. “Gross, and no. But we did… other stuff.”
“Oh my God,” Kody shouted, causing most of the coffee shop to turn and stare at us. He and Jodee grinned at each other so excitedly I half expected them to high five. Kody lowered his voice. “So you got a preview? That’s smart, you should always test drive before you buy.” He clapped his hands. “This is the best day of my life.”
I grinned. “I think you need to reevaluate your life experiences if that’s true.”
“Don’t change the subject. So when are you going to finally seal the deal?” He was talking a mile a minute. “Wait, why are you avoiding him? Was it bad?” He whispered the last sentence, seemingly horrified at the prospect.
“No way,” Jodee jumped in, turning to me. “He’s too perfect. It wasn’t bad, was it?”
I put up my hands, trying to slow them down. “Don’t worry. It was…” I searched for the right word. “Amazing.”
But amazing didn’t even begin to describe it. Life changing was more like it. My skin prickled just talking about it.
“But he’s still my adviser, and that isn’t changing anytime soon. I just feel like we should have thought about it more before we did anything physical.”
“Girl, all you do is think.” Kody waved his hand in the air like he could wave away my concerns. “You need to live your life.”
Jodee nodded seriously. “I know I told you not to go for it before, but I feel like you actually really like each other.”
I smiled uneasily. Maybe they were right, but still the thought of having to sneak around was exhausting. And I didn’t even want to think about the consequences if we were caught.
Luckily, we had so much work to do we didn’t have time to discuss my relationship with Zach any further. After several more hours and too many coffees, I vibrated back to my car. As I searched for my keys I felt the smooth paper of the latest poem that had been left in my bag. I pulled it out and read it, smiling. I’d never been a huge fan of love poems, but something about these were different. They felt so personal.
I still hadn’t figured out who was leaving them, despite my best snooping. I’d purposely left my bag unattended in class and watched out of the corner of my eye, but nobody had taken the bait. While this wasn’t exactly Sherlock Holmes-level investigating, I still couldn’t understand how I hadn’t noticed who was leaving them. Zach flashed through my mind. Could it be him? He’d certainly had enough opportunities alone with me to slip something into my bag. But still, it seemed impossible. These poems were sweet and tender, which was so not his style. He was crass and straightforward; there was no way poems like these could come from him.
* * *
That night, Connor’s school was throwing their fall dance. The “dance” was mostly a random assortment of games and activities with a local DJ playing music in the corner. Connor was especially excited about the cake walk, which I’d had to practically drag him away from last year. This year, he won on his third try and chose a pan of frosted brownies as his prize. While I wasn’t especially enthusiastic about him stuffing himself with brownies so close to bedtime, he was so excited that I couldn’t say no.
“Poppy,” a voice shouted from across the room. It was Sandra, the mom of Connor’s best friend, Jordan.
I smiled, waving her over. I had always liked Sandra. Unlike some of the other parents, she’d never judged me for being young or a single mother. Plus, she always had so much energy and a smile on her face, which was a welcome sight in a crowd of parents I didn’t know.
“How’s school?” she asked as Connor and Jordan compared prizes. “Have you met anyone interesting there?” She gave a small wink as she said interesting.
I laughed uncomfortably. “It’s great, I love the program. Everyone is really nice.”
As much as I liked Sandra, there was no way I was confessing to her that not only had I almost slept with my adviser but, that I was receiving random love poems from an anonymous wordsmith.
We continued to catch up while the boys got involved in a boisterous game of Twister. I hadn’t realized how uncomfortable I’d been before Sandra showed up. The other parents were nice, but distant. I think they weren’t sure how to socialize with someone who was so much younger than them and unmarried. Whenever we came to school events it was painfully obvious that Connor was the only kid without a dad. Even the divorced parents seemed to find a way to both show up. When he was younger, he’d ask me why his dad never came, but after a few years he’d gotten used to it. Still, I knew it had to be on his mind, and I always felt a little twinge of guilt about it.
Connor ran over and grabbed onto my shirt. “Mom, can I have tickets to do the cake walk again? Please?”
I glanced at Sandra, and she gave me a knowing smile. Jordan wanted to keep playing Twister, so we agreed to meet back up later in the night. As Connor pulled me forward, I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket. I stopped in my tracks when I saw the caller ID.
Zach was calling. I stared at it for a few seconds, too nervous to make any movement in case it would somehow answer the call. He usually just texted, but he must have been wondering why I’d been ignoring his texts. I just wasn’t ready to talk about what had happened between us yet. More than that, I worried that if I was alone with him I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from doing it again, and more. The memory had come back in random flashes since that night, and just the thought of it sent a rush of heat straight to my lady bits and made my heart pick up a few paces. I could practically come just from thinking about his tongue on my nipples, running along my body and down to my… Get a grip, Poppy, you’re around children. I forced thoughts of Zach from my mind and turned my phone off, but not before realizing that Connor had seen the name on the screen.
“When is Zach coming over again?” he asked, tugging on my arm to get me walking again.
Shit. I really needed an exit strategy to handle this.
“I’m not sure,” I said carefully. I didn’t realize how much Connor would like him after just one meeting, and I definitely didn’t want my son getting hurt because I couldn’t control myself around Zach. “We’re both really busy.”
“Next time he comes over he can help me build my Lego castle.”
I bit my lip, not sure what to say. I had to admit, the image of Zach on the floor with Connor building a Lego castle was pretty adorable.
“We’ll see if he has time.” I gave Connor’s hand a squeeze, worried that I’d made an even bigger mess of things than I’d realized.
In the crowd of happy families, it was hard not to want that for Connor and for myself if I was being honest. I tried to be both a mom and a dad for him, but it would definitely be nice to have a positive male role model in his life. Zach was sweet and thoughtful, had a great career, and he had been great with Connor. It was all too easy to imagine the three of us on the weekends, cooking breakfast together in the kitchen or taking Connor to play in the park. I didn’t know what would happen between Zach and me, but I knew I’d better figure it out fast because I was in way deeper than I’d ever expected.