Chapter Sixteen
Selena focused on each wooden slat beneath her feet, a lump lodged in her throat and pressure building behind her eyes. This was where she wished with all her might that she was the kind of girl who could get involved with a man physically and keep her heart out of it. Other people did it all the time — heck, she suspected Evan did it all the time. One of her friends from home was notorious for her parade of men, and Selena knew for a fact Jill had never had her heart broken. She just … wasn’t the type. She would always be the breaker, not the breakee.
Selena had rarely been, either, but she could see it from here — much more time with Evan and she would be devastated to lose him.
When they came to the end of the boardwalk, she trekked for the large boulders along the shore. A lone fisherman sat on one of the rocks farther down, but otherwise they had the area to themselves. Selena located a relatively smooth stone and carefully made her way toward it. Evan sat on an adjacent rock. The scowl on his face told her plenty about how well he was receiving what she was trying to say.
This was the hard part, the part she dreaded. She wedged her elbows in her lap and leaned forward, staring at the water as it splashed against the boulders.
“My dad was FBI,” she began, then took a fortifying breath. “When I was really young, all I knew was that my dad had an important job that required him to be gone a lot. I sensed the excitement of what he did, but it wasn’t until I was in the first grade that I began to understand that every time he walked out that door, he could be risking his life. I remember so clearly how Brian Flanders skipped up to me on the playground one day and said, ‘My daddy said it’s lucky that your daddy hasn’t got shot at his work.’”
She clenched her fists, still able to hear the singsong of his voice after all these years. “I was so mad at him I yelled that he was stupid and he lied. The teacher heard me calling him stupid, so I got in trouble. That night, I went home and asked my mom about it, because my dad was out of town, and she told me Dad had an honorable job.”
“Did she level with you then?”
“When I pestered her some more, she admitted his job could be dangerous. I don’t think I was ever the same after that.”
“That’s rough. Seven years old?”
She nodded as tears flooded her eyes. “Every time he left for work, I’d hide in my mom’s bed, scared to death I’d never see my dad again.”
“What did your mom do?”
“She never said much. Just held me. Brushed my hair back. Mom things.”
“You made her sound different the other day. Something about her screwing up.”
“Back then it was different. She was different. Anyway, my point is that it was hell to live in that kind of fear, supportive family or not.”
“Is your dad still an agent?”
Selena hesitated. “He died when I was twelve. On the job.” She squeezed the words out before her throat swelled up.
Evan gently rubbed her leg. He didn’t offer any token phrases of comfort, and Selena appreciated that. She wasn’t looking for comfort — knew there was none. She was trying to make a point.
“I don’t ever want my child to live like that, Evan. In constant fear. Daily stomachaches. I’ll do everything I can to prevent him or her from losing a parent in an untimely death. A child should never be subjected to that kind of grief. And I know I couldn’t take a loss like that again myself.”
“You think something might happen to me,” Evan said, his hand stilling on her thigh.
“It’s hardly a farfetched idea. You work in one of the most dangerous jobs out there.”
“This isn’t New York City though. There’s danger, but you have to understand it isn’t what you see on TV.”
“It doesn’t matter. It only takes one bad day, one dangerous call.”
“You have to look at the odds, Selena.”
“Tell that to Frank Werschler’s family.” She’d lain awake several nights thinking about the man from the mural’s wife and children, wondering what had become of them.
Evan stared out at a dolphin cruise boat in the distance for some time. Selena wished for the impossible — that he could somehow assure her he would always be safe. That he’d been thinking of getting out of the firefighting business and always wanted to be … a construction worker. Or about a thousand other jobs where he wouldn’t lay his life on the line every day.
“It’s a dangerous job sometimes. No way I can deny that. But we go through continuous training. We prepare for every possible type of situation we might run into. We do everything we can to stay safe.”
“But firefighters still die.”
“So do people who drive cars. Wall Street money guys. Farmers. People die, Selena, and it’s always going to suck.”
“Not good enough.”
Evan turned his whole body to face her there on the rocks. He held both his hands up to hers and laced their fingers together. “There’s never a guarantee, darlin’. Bad things happen.”
“But I have to do everything I can to prevent my child and myself from experiencing those bad things.”
“I’m going to be in this child’s life. You can’t prevent that, no matter how much it scares you.”
“So you think it’s okay to let the kid know you and love you when there’s an above-average chance that you could die? Really?”
“I think growing up without a parent is as bad as losing one.” He said it with such conviction that Selena narrowed her eyes, sensing there were things he hadn’t told her.
His eyes didn’t waver from hers.
“Yeah, I grew up without a father,” he said, letting her hands go. “Since you’ve been so honest about your background, I’ll tell you about mine.”
“You don’t have to, Evan,” she said hesitantly. Nothing he could say would change her mind, and though she did want to know more about him, what it came down to was that it wouldn’t solve anything.
“I do.” An edge of anger cut through his words. “You need to know where I’m coming from, because I’m not going to let this drop. I’m sorry as hell about your dad, and I understand why you don’t want to worry about losing someone else you care about, assuming you would someday grow to care about me. No doubt your brother’s accident tore you up even more.”
Anguish jabbed at her with the raw memory of that phone call from the army officer. The excruciating hours they’d spent waiting to hear if Tom would pull through.
“I’ve never met my father.” His voice had gone monotone, and he was back to staring into the distance.
“He took off when my mom was pregnant with my sister and me. Didn’t give half a damn about the two lives he helped create. Talking about him was never allowed. If you wanted to make my mom lose her shit, all you had to do was ask about him. She’d transform into a raging crazy woman.”
“That had to be hard,” Selena said quietly.
“It wasn’t until I was about thirteen years old that I got the balls to ask her about him again.”
“And? Did she tell you anything?”
Evan shook his head. “She explained, in no uncertain terms, that the man who had fathered us did not deserve to be thought of as our dad. To her, he was dead. She refused to give us his name or any other details. ‘Just try to forget about him,’ she’d tell us. ‘He’s not worth a second of your time.’”
Selena could see the sense in his mom’s position. “She wanted to make it easier for you.”
“There was nothing easy about growing up without a dad. I know she meant well, but kids are mean. The things they said to Mel and me…” He shook his head. “My mom never knew how bad it got.”
“Lots of kids’ parents are divorced,” Selena said.
“And no one gave them any crap. It was that we didn’t even know who our dad was. I had to sneak to look up the word bastard in the dictionary in my second-grade classroom because I somehow knew it would make my mother scream if I asked her.”
“So you never found out who he was?”
“When I was old enough to figure out what to do, I got a copy of my birth certificate. She listed his name on it. It took me months but I eventually tracked him down.”
“Did you meet him?”
“Never got the chance. He had a heart attack and died in prison.”
“I’m sorry you never got to meet him.”
“I’m not. Only reason I wanted to stand face-to-face with him was to unleash years of anger.”
A long fishing boat passed relatively close to the shore and they watched it in silence. The captain waved and Evan nodded in response.
“I refuse to be anything like him, Selena,” Evan said with quiet conviction. “My children will know who their father is and they’ll know me, for better or worse.”
Tears — of frustration, of hurt for a little boy named Evan, of feeling torn in half — blinded her. “I’m sorry. I can’t take that risk.”
“You can’t just cut me out.”
“If I think it’s best for the baby, I can.”
“I won’t walk away, Selena.”
“It’s the only thing I can think of that might work.”
“Work for who?” His voice climbed in volume. “You think you’re the only one who matters?”
“No. We all matter, Evan,” she snapped, trying to keep her voice down. “But the baby has to come first.”
She scrambled off the rocks, away from him, wishing she could scramble away from the entire issue, because she knew there was no perfect solution. As she hurried to the boardwalk, she wiped her eyes, trying to get rid of the tears that blurred her vision. She heard Evan behind her and sped up.
oOo
Evan saw the moment when Selena lost her footing. His heart stopped as she fell, and he saw the whole thing in slow motion. Even though he was only about twenty feet away when she went down, it seemed to take precious minutes to get to her.
Her head knocked against the railing and she landed on her tailbone with a thud. She lay there in silence, and awful thoughts tormented him in the two seconds it really took to reach her.
“Selena!” He knelt next to her and saw she was conscious.
Selena groaned and then rolled to her side away from him, curling into a fetal ball. Evan skittered around to the other side. She cried silently, her shoulders shaking.
“Selena, where does it hurt?”
She didn’t answer right away.
He pulled out his cell phone and called for an ambulance. He thought he remembered that Scott and Luis were working today, though he’d be comfortable with any of the paramedics he knew.
“Head,” she finally said. “Butt. Elbow.”
He examined her arm and guessed her elbow had taken the brunt of the fall. “Do you think you’re bleeding anywhere?” he asked.
She hesitated. Checked her hands and arms. Then shook her head. “I don’t see any blood.”
A siren wailed in the distance within a minute and a half. Selena opened her eyes and tried to sit up, but he gently held her down.
“You didn’t have to call them. I’m fine.”
“You hit your head and landed hard. You may feel fine, but we’re going to be sure both you and the baby are okay.”
“I fell on my butt. It hurts. That’s all.”
“I hope so. But you’re not getting out of this.”
The ambulance pulled up on the nearest road, which was a couple hundred yards away. Evan waved them down from his spot next to her at the end of the boardwalk.
Scott and Luis hurried toward them.
“These guys are the best, darlin’. Everything’s okay.”
“What the heck are you doing on this end, Drake?” Scott asked. “What’s going on?”
Evan told them what had happened and what he’d already checked.
Scott asked her several questions and did a brief exam. When Evan mentioned her pregnancy, they decided to load her up and take her in, just to be safe.
oOo
“The baby looks good as far as I can tell right now,” Dr. Martin said later, after they’d poked and prodded Selena and run several different tests on both her and the fetus.
Evan had stayed by her side for every one of them, expecting her to order him out of the room. He wouldn’t have gone, but she hadn’t asked. She seemed glad to have him there. He felt useless, which was frustrating as hell. All he could do was hold her hand.
“The bleeding concerns me a bit, but we’ll watch it. It appears to have stopped for now and wasn’t a large amount. The ultrasound doesn’t show any hint of a rupture.”
Selena closed her eyes in relief as Evan exhaled loudly.
“I want you to take it easy for the next three days. Bed rest.”
Selena groaned.
“Lying down. No lifting, nothing strenuous, and that includes sexual activity.” She looked at Evan pointedly and he shook his head.
“She’ll do nothing, Doc. I’ll see to it.”
“I have work to do,” Selena said. “Deadlines.”
“Not if you want to take care of this baby,” the doctor said sternly. “I mean it, Selena. The deadlines will have to wait. I know it’s hard to sit still but you can’t push yourself. At all. Do you understand me?”
Selena’s defensiveness relaxed and she nodded. “I understand.”
Evan sat on the edge of her bed and caressed her arm. The only concrete damage they’d found was a mild concussion and the bleeding. But they’d checked the baby by ultrasound and the heart was still beating. He’d seen it with his own eyes.
It blew his mind to realize he’d be genuinely upset if they lost the baby. That tiny fetus had turned both his and Selena’s lives upside down, but he couldn’t stomach the thought of losing it. How was that possible?
“Will you be taking her home?” Dr. Martin asked Evan.
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Is there someone who can be with you continually for a couple of days, Selena? Just to make things easy on you, wait on you hand and foot?”
“I’ll be okay,” Selena said.
“I’ll stay with her.” He’d find someone to work his shift tomorrow. A couple of the guys owed him a favor.
The doctor watched Selena for a reaction. It took a few seconds, but Selena finally nodded.
“If there aren’t any other options.”
“I’m it, darlin’,” he said, smiling.
Dr. Martin nodded and stood. “The nurse will be in with discharge directions in a few minutes. I want to see you in three days. Sooner, if you have any more bleeding or other problems.” To Evan she added, “Take care of her.”
“My pleasure,” he responded. “Though probably not hers.”
He hadn’t forgotten where they’d left off before her fall, and he knew that with nothing but time on her hands, they’d be revisiting it before the three days were over.