Ten months later
SUKI READ THE email one more time, the shaking in her hands nothing compared to the pain lacerating her heart as she took in the stark words that blended with soul-breaking ones. Halfway through the first paragraph, her vision blurred. She blinked and tears spilled down her cheeks. Swiping them away, she closed her eyes for a moment, vainly wishing the words would be different when she opened them again.
They weren’t.
Private memorial for Luis Acosta and his parents, Clarita and Pablo Acosta. A strictly family affair. Unless expressly invited, please do not attend.
Lawyers request your presence for the reading of his last will and testament followed by a private meeting with Ramon Acosta. Attendance strictly necessary.
Her throat clogging with fresh tears just waiting to be shed, she looked away from the words she didn’t want to read, never mind accept, and clicked on the attachment. A slight bolt of shock went through her when it sent her to an airline website. Swallowing, she clicked on further links until she arrived at the page holding the first-class return e-ticket to Cuba under her name.
The email and attachment had come from a firm of lawyers in Havana, the ones she’d been desperate to contact ever since she received the horrendous news of Luis’s and his parents’ deaths.
The same lawyers who’d refused to take her calls or answer her letters for two months, but were now reaching out to her. She knew they wouldn’t have contacted her without the express permission of Ramon Acosta, their client.
This email giving consent for her to visit Cuba to pay her respects wouldn’t have come from anyone else because Ramon was the only one left of the Acosta family.
Despite the turn of events after their night together, she’d reached out to him after Luis died. At first Suki had respected his deafening silence, knowing that he was grieving the family he’d tragically lost in a car crash. Until she’d learned via social media that several of their university friends had been invited to attend Luis’s funeral three weeks after his death. The date had come and gone without any of her frantic calls being returned by Ramon’s office or his lawyers, forcing her to grieve her best friend’s burial alone in her bedroom. Every single email she’d sent after that had also gone unanswered.
Until today.
She wanted to hate Ramon for denying her something so fundamental as a goodbye to the only true friend she’d known. But her emotions, already scraped raw by everything she’d endured these past ten months, were too shredded to accommodate another detrimental emotion such as hate.
Although she’d already been through a gamut of them. For weeks, she’d cried, begged, then railed against fate. And science. And her own weak body.
When she’d finally reached acceptance, she’d cried for days. Those tears had sapped the last of her will to fight, dropped her to what she’d foolishly thought was rock bottom. Until Luis was also ripped from her. Then she’d known true devastation.
Devastation she’d had to deal with on her own, while grappling with her own loss and remaining strong for her mother. The multiple blows fate had dealt her still possessed the power to disrupt her sleep and trigger bouts of tearful sadness.
Like when she’d dissolved into floods of tears during her meeting with the head of HR at her workplace last week. Even before she’d finished the return-to-work interview, she knew things hadn’t gone well.
Her boss had insisted she take the full three months of her sick leave, the need to protect themselves from professional liability overshadowing her protests that, with only one month remaining, she was ready to return to work.
She’d petitioned. With her finances fast dwindling and her mother’s medical bills piling up, she’d appealed the decision and been granted the interview. Only for her overwhelmed state to get the better of her.
She hadn’t been surprised when her HR manager had sympathetically ended the interview and called a taxi to take Suki home. What she hadn’t expected was a letter a few days later stating that her sick leave had been extended by another month with half pay because she wasn’t deemed fit to deal with clients in her current state.
Suki had been too drained to fight the assessment. And deep down she knew that, as much as she loved her job as an interior designer for one of the most prestigious firms in London, her passion had been depleted.
She didn’t need a psychologist to tell her she needed to find closure before things got better. Or barring that, a different avenue for the cocktail of emotions bubbling beneath the surface of her heart.
Closing her laptop, she rose from her small desk and trudged to the kitchen to dispose of her barely touched cup of tea. Mechanically, she washed the mug and set it on the draining board.
Outside, birds chirped and wasps buzzed as Vauxhall basked in the August bank holiday sunshine.
Suki turned her back on it, her hand sliding as it so often, so painfully did to her stomach, to the child that had never managed to thrive there. The urge to walk upstairs to her bedroom, curl up under her duvet and slide into perpetual oblivion was almost catatonically irresistible.
She fought the temptation, her mind returning to the email and the airline ticket. Although she’d been prepared to dig into her meagre savings to pay her last respects to her best friend two months ago, her resources had dwindled even further owing to her mother being readmitted to hospital. With confirmation of her cancer, Suki had had to use almost all her remaining funds to keep her and her mother’s heads above water.
Travelling to Cuba had fast become a distant dream.
The arrival of the ticket, although it bruised her pride a little, wasn’t one she was about to refuse. For a chance to say goodbye to Luis, she would set aside her ego for the moment. Once she was back at work, she would pay Ramon Acosta back every penny she owed him for the ticket.
The decision eroded a little bit of her apathy, made her half turn back towards the window, allow the sunshine to touch her face. Warm her.
She wasn’t aware how long she stood there, making careful plans, her soul mourning the vibrant, charismatic man she’d been lucky enough to call her friend.
The soft beeping on her laptop, reminding her of the appointment at the hospital, finally roused her. On automatic, she dressed, left home and made the short drive to the hospital that held far too many harrowing memories.
Fighting the ravaging pain that attacked her, Suki blocked out the smell of disinfectant and death, forced a smile, and entered her mother’s ward.
Moira Langston was dozing lightly, her shrunken form lost in stark white sheets. Sensing Suki’s presence, she opened her eyes. For a second, they just stared at each other.
Then her mother gave a soft, shuddering exhalation. ‘I told you not to visit. I know how hard it is for you to come here.’
Suki laid her hand over her mother’s. ‘I’m okay, Mum. It’s not that bad,’ she lied.
Moira’s lips pursed. ‘Don’t lie. You know I can’t bear lies.’
Tension rippled in the air, twisting through pain churning inside them both. Broken trust fired by a thousand lies was what had shattered her mother’s heart long before Suki was born. It was the reason Moira Langston had never again let another man close enough to hurt her, the reason she’d drummed into Suki the need to protect her own heart at all costs.
It was the reason her mother had been bitterly angry with her when Suki had told her about her pregnancy. Her mother had come round eventually, even put aside her own health issues to support her after she lost the baby, but the look of mournful regret still lingered.
Suki swallowed, and tightened her grip on her mother’s hand. ‘I can’t not visit you, Mum.’
Moira sighed, her face softening. ‘I know. But I’m feeling better, so I should be home very soon.’
Suki didn’t argue, although her mother’s notable weight loss told a different story. They chatted about neutral subjects for a while, before her mother’s shrewd eyes settled on her one more time. ‘Something’s bothering you.’
She started to shake her head, but, not wanting to upset her mother, she took a deep breath. ‘I heard from Ra...from Luis’s brother’s lawyers.’
Moira’s eyes narrowed. ‘And? What did Ramon have to say for himself?’ she demanded sharply.
‘I...nothing. The lawyers sent me a ticket to Cuba. To attend Luis’s memorial.’
‘Are you going to accept it?’
Slowly, she nodded. ‘I want to say goodbye properly.’
For a long moment, Moira remained silent. ‘Luis was a good man. That’s the only reason I won’t tell you not to go. But, be careful, Suki. Stay away from his brother. He’s caused you enough grief as it is.’
Her mother had been quick to lay the blame for everything at Ramon’s feet when she found out Suki was pregnant and alone. Ravaging pain and the need to mourn her lost baby in isolation had made her hold her tongue against telling her mother that Ramon had no knowledge that he’d fathered a baby. That was an assumption she would rectify in the future, when her heart didn’t shred every time she thought of her baby.
‘Mrs Baron will visit you every day, and I’ll be back before you know it.’
As if conjured up, their next-door neighbour walked into the ward. The widow, easily fifteen years older than her mother, was nevertheless spry and full of life. Her cheery demeanour was infectious, and her mother was soon chuckling.
An hour later, Suki left the two women chatting, and returned home, thoughts of the email and of Luis darkening her spirits as she opened her front door.
The sight of mail on her doormat roused her from her blanketing sadness. Welcoming the tiny distraction, she walked through to the kitchen.
Two of the three pieces of post were junk mail. The stamp on the third envelope shot her heart into her throat, and her hand was trembling as she ripped the letter open.
Frantically, her gaze flew over the words. Her shocked, tearful gasp echoed through her small hallway. Forcing herself to calm down, she read them again.
You’ve been accepted...first appointment 15th September...
Folding the paper, she pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes. Seriously, she needed to stop crying. Tears didn’t solve problems. Besides, things were beginning to look up. In the last few hours she’d been given a chance to say a proper goodbye to Luis, and granted a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Losing her baby after months of frantically trying to sustain her pregnancy had wrecked her. When the discharge nurse had given her the packet of leaflets the day she’d left hospital, Suki had almost thrown them away. It’d been days before she’d bothered to sift through the brightly coloured pamphlets prescribing various ways to move on from a loss she knew she would never get over.
At first, she’d dismissed the charity offering women in her situation a new alternative. She hadn’t planned to get pregnant, nor had she imagined that her one night with Ramon would result in such a staggering roller coaster of joy and turmoil.
All she’d craved was solitude to mourn her lost child and lick her wounds. But those wounds had grown larger every day, with the hole in her heart widening until she feared it would swallow her whole. When she woke up one morning clutching the leaflet, she chose to believe the same fate that had ripped her child from her was offering her a way to heal. Her child would never draw breath, but she had more of the joy she’d felt for that child to give to another.
She hadn’t planned on motherhood the first time round. But this time, she would do things her way, without the fear of a man who wouldn’t stick around, as her own mother had experienced from her father, or, even worse, infidelity from someone she opened her heart to.
It had been a long shot because the charity accepted only twenty-five non-paying cases a year, so, although she’d secretly hoped, she’d been prepared for a rejection.
She opened the letter again, her mouth slowly curving in a whisper of a smile as she absorbed the soul-saving words.
She retrieved her laptop from the dark nook and took it into the kitchen. Fully immersed in the brilliant sunshine, she first answered Ramon’s lawyers giving the time and date of her arrival in Havana, then sent an email confirming the appointment at the fertility clinic.
Then with the hopeful smile on her face, Suki flew up the stairs to her room, dragged the suitcase from her closet, and began to pack.
* * *
Havana in early September was a sweltering vision of vibrant colour. The brief rain shower that had engulfed the plane as they came in to land had already disappeared by the time Suki retrieved her suitcase and made her way through Immigration. Travelling first class had been a singularly unique experience, one she would’ve appreciated even better had the purpose of this trip not weighed so heavily on her heart. She was thankful that for the most part she’d been left alone to grab what sleep she could, which meant she arrived a lot more refreshed than she had on any other previous plane trip.
Spotting her name on a whiteboard held by a sharply suited chauffeur further hammered home the fact that she was in Luis’s homeland. That she was about to come face-to-face with Ramon, the man she’d shared a torrid night with only to wake up alone with no inkling as to the devastating trail of consequences of her actions. The man who still had no clue what had happened to her after he’d walked away in the early hours of the morning.
As she often did when thoughts of Ramon surged, she shoved them back into the box labelled out of bounds.
She stood by the decisions she’d made regarding her pregnancy, even the ones involving swearing Luis to secrecy about the fact that she was carrying his brother’s child. He hadn’t been pleased, but he’d respected her wish to inform Ramon at a time of her own choosing, once she’d come to terms with the new direction her life had taken.
As it turned out, there’d been no need to involve Ramon because fate had had other ideas...
Following the chauffeur who had taken control of her case, Suki emerged into blinding late afternoon sunshine and a cacophony of Spanish and blaring horns.
Outside José Martí International Airport, the iconic brightly painted nineteen fifties’ style taxis lined up in rows next to buses and private cars. Sliding on her sunglasses, she hitched her handbag onto her shoulder and summoned a smile as the driver held open the back door of a stretch limo.
Unlike the luxury car she and Ramon had shared that night a lifetime ago, this car was a silver affair, gleaming in the sunlight and catching the eyes of passers-by. Fighting the strange urge to refuse the ride and find her own, she slid into the car. The tinted windows and the bench seats were identical, the scent of leather engulfing her and catapulting memories she didn’t want to remember straight to the forefront of her mind.
Except this time she was alone, reliving every single moment of that night. Just as she’d been alone when she’d learned that her baby would most likely not survive.
Resolutely, Suki turned her thoughts outside, looking out of the window as Havana unveiled itself. It was just as Luis had described often and passionately. Most of the buildings were stuck in their pre-Communism era, with many severely dilapidating as a result of a less than thriving economy. But at every corner there were signs of restoration, pride in a rich heritage exhibited in statues, mosaic-tiled squares, a baroque cathedral and even in the graffiti that littered centuries-old buildings tucked between narrow lanes.
The two-line response from Ramon’s lawyers to her email had informed her she would be staying at one of the Acosta hotels in the city. Suki wasn’t ashamed to admit to her relief when she’d read the email.
She welcomed the chance to arm herself thoroughly for the next meeting with Ramon.
Traffic was light, and the limo slid beneath the porticoed entrance of the hotel a little over half an hour later.
The Acosta Hotel Havana was a stunning ten-storey building holding pride of place on a palm-tree-lined street that dissected modern Havana City from the world-renowned Old Havana. Straddling the best of both worlds, the six-star hotel had been painstakingly converted from a baroque palace, the designers having retained as many of its original breathtaking features as possible.
Inside, a stunning gold-leaf ceiling depicting an intricate map of the world was highlighted by huge, staggeringly beautiful half-century-old crystal chandeliers, while across the potted-palm foyer, several groupings of stylish leather chairs invited guests to sit and enjoy the formidable architecture.
Suki dragged her avidly exploring gaze away long enough to cross gleaming black and white mosaic tiles to the intricately carved wooden reception desk where a petite, dark-haired receptionist smiled in welcome.
‘Miss Langston, welcome to Havana. We hope you will enjoy your stay with us.’ She waved over a middle-aged man dressed in burgundy and gold monogrammed uniform and handed him the plastic room card. ‘This is Pedro, he’ll be your personal butler for the duration of your stay. If you need anything else, please let us know.’
She didn’t ask how the receptionist knew her by sight. On the few occasions she’d ventured into Luis’s world while he’d been alive, she’d quickly realised that the wealthy and powerful led very different lifestyles. One she got a taster of when, upon arrival in the luxury suite, two additional members of staff unpacked her clothes and a light lunch was set out on a sun-drenched private terrace within minutes.
Suki refused the welcome champagne and mostly picked at her grilled seafood salad. The preoccupation of readying herself for the trip to Cuba had briefly suppressed the jangling nerves that the thought of meeting Ramon again awakened.
They clanged harder now, questions she’d resolutely driven out of her thoughts resurging with brutal force. No matter how many times she tried to tell herself what happened that night had been on equal terms, she still couldn’t understand why he’d left her without a word. Was that the done thing? Had she misstepped somehow?
Was that why he’d fast-tracked Luis into moving to New York?
But one question burned most of all, one question she knew deep in her heart had informed some of the decisions she’d made regarding her pregnancy.
Why had he lied about no longer being engaged?
Finding out that Ramon was still engaged to Svetlana after their night together had filled her with numbing disbelief, then horror when Luis had confirmed it. The shock and resulting bitterness at being made an accomplice to infidelity had stayed with her for a long time, and even risked her friendship with Luis. Only her confession about her pregnancy and the associated problems with it had brought a much-needed perspective and support from her best friend.
But now those questions, and more, crowded her brain.
Although her butler spoke perfect English, Suki was reluctant to ask him anything about his employer. The fact that Ramon was choosing to deal with her through his lawyers also indicated that he wished to maintain a distance.
That was fine by her. It should make the decision to tell him about the child they’d lost much easier.
Abandoning her meal, she retreated into the cool suite. A quick check of her emails showed another message from Ramon’s lawyers, telling her she would be picked up at nine a.m. for the memorial.
Suki spent the rest of the evening laying out her clothes and taking a bath, after which she slid into bed for an early night.
The soft knock on her door came seconds before her phone’s alarm went off at eight the next morning. After trying and failing to swallow more than a bite of the scrambled eggs and toast or stop the ever growing butterflies in her stomach, she took a quick shower and donned her simple black dress and heels. Tying her hair in a knot, she picked up her black clutch just as another knock came on her door.
The butler beat her to it. Which was just as well because the sight of Ramon Acosta filling the doorway wasn’t one she could’ve withstood well up close. Because even across the vast distance of the living room, every single particle in her body clenched tight on seeing him.
He prowled into the room, tall and powerful, his strides measured and predatory. Eyes that had never been soft were now even harsher as they mercilessly raked over her. His mouth, still sensual, still unsmiling, had developed a layer of cruelty and, almost impossibly, his shoulders seemed broader, as if they’d had to expand to accommodate the harrowing circumstances thrown at him.
Even though a part of her heart went out to him for the unthinkable loss he’d suffered, Suki was too busy building the foundation of her own self-preservation as the ground beneath her feet tilted crazily.
Many times before and even after the doctors had informed her of the state of her pregnancy, she’d wondered what their child would look like. She’d eventually discovered she was carrying a girl. Imagining a female version of Ramon had been a little harder than a male version, and perhaps a blessing in disguise in the long run, a way the cosmos chose to help her cope.
Because the man dressed from head to toe in bespoke black standing in front of her was every inch as formidable—goodness, even more so—than her imagination had conjured up.
He stopped before her, eyes of chilled green glass fixed on her. ‘Are you not going to greet me, Suki?’ he asked icily.
Her gut clenched harder at the sound of his voice. Although it was now arctic, she didn’t need much prompting to recall it in a different tone. A huskier, headier timbre. A tone she had no business recollecting right now. She bit her tongue against informing him that he’d entered her domain and therefore etiquette dictated he needed to greet her first. There was no use because men like Ramon played by their own rules. And for her own peace of mind, she wanted the next two days to go as smoothly as possible.
Clearing her throat, she strove for an even tone. ‘Good morning, Ramon. I... I wasn’t expecting to see you.’
‘Were you not?’ he countered, unforgiving eyes still hooked into her. ‘What were you expecting, exactly?’
‘Well...not you...here...’ She stopped, silently cursed the silly stammering she’d thought was far behind her. ‘I mean, I was expecting your driver, not you...to come in person.’
‘Then I guess you’ll just have to suffer the inconvenience of my presence,’ he bit out.
His tone raked across her hackles, making her own chin rise. ‘It’s not an inconvenience, but surely you have better things to do than personally escort me to the memorial?’
‘Indeed, there are many demands on my time. But perhaps everything else paled in comparison to my wish to see you. Perhaps I couldn’t wait to clap eyes on you again, reassure myself that you’re indeed flesh and blood.’
Something about the way he spoke the words stamped cold, hard dread onto her soul. Frantically she searched his gaze, but his face was an inscrutable mask, the only indication of his demeanour the darkening eyes that continued to regard her with unnerving intensity. ‘Flesh and blood? As...as opposed to what?’ she asked, her voice not as steady as she craved it to be.
His firm lips flattened. ‘As opposed to the many other descriptions whose veracity I will test once the memorial is over. And believe me, Suki, there are many.’
Her hackles rose higher, her breath shortening as ice filled her spine. ‘Well, I don’t know what that means, but I assure you, I’m made of the same flesh and blood and bone I possessed when you last saw me.’
Cold eyes grew even more remote, his nostrils pinching white before he took a step back. ‘Should I find it curious that you neglected to mention your heart?’
Her breath strangled. No, her heart wasn’t the same. It’d grown into twice its size when she’d found out she was carrying a child. Then it’d been lacerated beyond repair at the harrowing events and the decisions that had led to the loss of her child. Suki was sure that were she to pluck it out of her chest right this moment, she wouldn’t recognise the battered organ.
‘Since the contents of my heart are none of your business, no, I don’t believe it’s a matter for discussion.’
He exhaled slowly, his chest expanding then settling as he regarded her. ‘For both our sakes, we will set this aside for now. We will go and remember my brother with our best memories. Then after that, we’ll talk.’
She recalled the paragraph in the email that had demanded her attendance at a meeting involving Luis’s will, and her heart lurched. ‘If this is about Luis’s will, please know that if there’s any contention I’m willing to relinquish whatever it is that involves me.’
One corner of his mouth twitched with a cruel non-smile as he turned and strolled for the door. ‘It’s about much, much more than that, Suki. But rest easy, you’ll find out soon enough.’
Of course, his assurance achieved the opposite effect. The journey to San Augustino Cathedral in Old Havana took a little over ten minutes, but it felt like several lifetimes with the deadly silence at the back of the limo dragging each second to infinity.
Inside the cathedral, life-size pictures of Luis and his parents were set on easels, their sometimes laughing, sometimes serious, always vibrant faces striking a deep well of sadness and grief inside her. Suki wasn’t aware she was silently weeping until a white handkerchief was briskly presented to her. The grateful look she sent to Ramon dissolved when she met his stony profile.
The ceremony was over in a little more than an hour with the two dozen guests lighting candles and saying a final goodbye to lives cut short too soon.
Suki was setting her lit candle back into its cradle when Ramon appeared beside her. Hoping the acrimony she’d sensed in him had receded, she cleared her throat and faced him.
‘Thank you for allowing me to be here, and for sending me the ticket. I promise, I’ll pay you back as soon as I’m back at work next month.’
His lip curled. ‘Such consideration. Tell me, where was that consideration when you decided to get rid of my baby without so much as a text message informing me?’
Her heart lurched to a stop. She felt the blood drain out of her head as she swayed on her feet. Opening her mouth, she strove for words, for anything to explain. But her brain had closed off in utter shock, her whole body drenched in ice-cold dread as he stepped closer, his body throbbing with menace and rage and dark promises of retribution.
‘Nothing to say, Suki?’ he scythed at her a second before one hand jerked out to imprison her wrist. With a merciless tug, he brought her flush against his body. To anyone watching it would’ve seemed as if he were comforting her. But he was leaning close, his lips a hair’s breadth from her ear as he whispered, ‘Don’t worry, I have plenty to say. And if you think the repaying of an airplane ticket is the only worry you have, then you’re seriously deluded.’