Goodbye (noun): an instance of saying “goodbye”; a parting. “A final goodbye.”
One word. Two syllables. Both so finite.
We’d both said our fair share of goodbyes throughout our lives. Why did this one seem the most difficult?
Blake
December 2012
AS THE LIMOUSINE driver chauffeured us through the city and out to the country cemetery, I repeated the words I’d prepared in hopes of giving my wife–the love of my life and mother of my children—a proper goodbye. It was rather ironic considering we’d never believed in goodbyes.
After several weeks of studying media law together, I’d finally convinced Alyssa to go out on a proper date. Honestly, it was probably more due to the fact that I was worried about my buddy Rich swooping in and stealing her away from me. To my relief, she agreed and after a romantic evening filled with laughter and deep conversation, I was here standing with her at her doorstep.
“I had a great time tonight, Blake,” she said, staring up into my eyes. “I hope we can do this again sometime.”
“We will most definitely be doing this again soon,” I responded, pulling her in tightly against my chest. Feeling her heartbeat quicken with my touch, I knew she wanted to kiss me just as much as I wanted a taste of her. Maybe I was being too forward for just the first date, but I couldn’t control my impulses. I’d been imagining the taste of her lips on mine ever since she’d first pulled out a tube of cherry lip gloss on the first day of class.
Even wearing stilettos, Alyssa stood on her tiptoes as I pulled her in for our first kiss–our lips parted, our tongues danced, and our breathing became one. In that moment, I knew I never wanted another first kiss. This woman would become my wife—my first, my last, my everything.
After what seemed like an eternity, we drew away. The electricity between us still enough to spark a flame.
“I think I should probably say goodbye before I end up doing something that I may regret later,” I rasped.
“Never goodbye, Blake. It may sound silly, but I’ve never believed in goodbyes. I don’t want us to ever have to say it. But, you’re right—I think before I act impulsively, I probably should say good night and I’ll see you later,” Alyssa whispered, her warm breath dancing across my cheek.
Smiling at her words, I knew she was right. I responded by placing a chaste kiss on her cheek. “I agree. Never goodbye just good night and I’ll see you later, Short Stack,” I said with a wink.
She smiled and swatted at me for the use of the nickname I’d given her on the day we’d met several weeks earlier.
“Never goodbye,” I whispered to myself, as she turned and stepped into her apartment building.
But, as I’d learned, the universe sometimes had other plans for us.
I gazed out the window as the blur of the city lights turned to rolling hills. The sound of my daughter’s laughter claimed my attention. Not even quite a year old, she didn’t have any idea the significance of this day–her mother’s final goodbye.
Dressed in bright pink, just as my wife would have wanted, I watched as my daughter played with her favorite stuffed dog. I stared into Maddy’s crystal-clear, blue eyes, her little orbs reminding me so much of Alyssa’s, and wished for a moment that I could transfer all my memories of Alyssa to our daughter.
As hard as this week had been on me, the most difficult part was the heavy realization that our daughter–and now our son—would grow up without knowing their mother’s love. And, boy, did she love them both something fierce.
“Blake, it’s not too late to call the doctor’s office and tell them we changed our minds,” Alyssa said, as I opened the passenger door to help her out of the car. We’d just left the doctor’s office where my wife had her twenty-week ultrasound. The doctor had informed us that he could tell us the baby’s gender, but we’d already agreed to keep it a surprise. Now as we were about to enter the baby boutique, I could tell Alyssa was already starting to question our decision.
“Look at this beautiful pink bedding,” she sighed, running her hand across the plush fabric. “I just don’t know if I like these neutral colors.”
“You don’t really want to know, Lys. The surprise will be so worth it once you’re holding our son or daughter in your arms.”
“I suppose you’re right,” she said, scrunching her nose up in the most adorable way. The simple gesture alone had me reaching for my cell. It’s a good thing the doctor’s number wasn’t on speed dial, or Alyssa wouldn’t have been able to stop me. I’d be a screwed man if our child got that trait from their mother.
“Blake, stop!” she nearly screamed, reaching for my phone. “I don’t really want to know. I mean I do, but I don’t. Jesus, I don’t know what I want,” she said, tears beginning to well in her eyes.
“Short Stack, don’t cry, Babe,” I said, enveloping her in my arms.
“You know I hate it when you call me that,” she laughed through her sniffles.
“I know you do, but I love it and I knew it would make you laugh. I think it worked,” I smiled, drawing her in for a gentle kiss right in the middle of the store. I wanted my wife to know that I adored her and all of her hormonal quirks, and I didn’t care who witnessed our public display of affection.
“I’m sorry I’m so hormonal.”
“You’re carrying my baby. I think it’s acceptable,” I said, giving her one last peck on the forehead before pulling away. “Now, let’s do some shopping!”
“I like the sound of that! I already see the cutest stuffed dog over there. It would be perfect for our little boy or girl,” she said, her blue eyes beaming.
“Blake, we’re here,” my mother-in-law’s voice breaking me from my thoughts. She patted me on the knee and I gave her a knowing nod. It was time and neither of us were ready.
After the chauffeur came and opened the car door, I exited and offered my hand to Judith. She pulled a black veil over her face, probably trying to mask her swollen eyes and puffy cheeks. In that moment, I wished I could hide from the world as well. As much as people didn’t want to stare, it was only human nature to watch from afar as I grieved my wife–the only love of my life.
I walked Judith to the graveside and returned to pull Maddy from her car seat. Something in my peripheral vision caught my eye, and it was then that I noticed my best friend Rich’s fiancée, Brooke, drop to her knees. Alyssa and Brooke had become good friends since Rich introduced her to us over a year ago. They’d been friends in college and reconnected after several years when she applied for a position at the Post where Rich worked.
Before losing their baby, Brooke and Alyssa had both been pregnant at the same time, and the two bonded over talks of morning sickness and prenatal vitamins.
Although I knew Rich and his woman had a long road ahead of them, and many serious discussions in their future, I was able to find a tiny bit of peace in knowing that my turmoil and tragedy brought the two of them back together. I’d always been man enough to admit that I knew what love was, and I was confident that those two had found it.
Some people live their entire life without finding their soul mate. I was certain mine had already come and gone. That part of my heart would always be reserved for Alyssa, and although I was still fairly young, I didn’t have any interest in finding love again and I doubted that I ever would.
Perspiration dripped from my forehead as I waited on Alyssa’s doorstep. It wasn’t even that hot out, and here I was sweating like a pig who’d just run a marathon. This wasn’t the impression I was hoping for tonight. I’d been planning this night for months. I wanted everything to be perfect, a night that we’d reminisce about over dinner on our fiftieth wedding anniversary. Most importantly, I wanted her to say “yes.”
The door slowly opened and Alyssa’s head popped out from the other side.
“You’re early! You’re never early!” she laughed. “I’m not quite ready yet. Give me two minutes to run back to the bedroom, and then let yourself in.”
“Babe, I’ve seen you naked before. I think you can let me in!” I chuckled, nudging the door open to reveal my girl standing there wearing nothing but a black lace bra and matching panties.
“Blake! I told you to wait!” she said, covering her chest with her arms and scrunching her nose in displeasure.
“You know you’re adorable when you act mad at me, right? I said, drawing her in closer.
“I’m not playing!” she pouted. “I really wanted you to wait.”
“I couldn’t wait another minute without seeing you,” I said, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead.
The scowl on her face faded as she relaxed into my chest. “I really should go get ready, or I’ll end up with even less clothes on, and I’ll never want to leave.”
“I think I’d actually be OK with that.”
“You are not!” she said, swatting my arm. “You told me that you were taking me someplace special tonight. I bought a new dress and everything and I plan on wearing it!”
“Fine, I’d hate to come between a woman and her new dress. But, hurry because I’m already in the mood for dessert,” I said with a wink.
I’d hardly had time to turn on SportsCenter when Alyssa opened the door to the bedroom, calling my name.
“Blake, I can’t get my dress zipped. Do you think you can help me?”
My dick swelled in my pants with just the silky sound of her voice. I quickly stood and walked slowly toward the bedroom–like a lion stalking its prey. She stood in the doorway, her back to me. She’d already stepped into a pair of bright red heels. My eyes traveled up her body, stopping right above the swell of her ass where the zipper of the dress taunted me. Instead of covering up her beautiful body, I wanted nothing more than to remove the damn dress. Who the fuck cares if it’s new? It belongs in a heap on the floor–along with her bra and panties. She can keep the shoes on, though. Because fuck, those are hot.
“Are you sure I actually have to zip this up? I think it’d be better off,” I whispered across her neck.
I couldn’t see her face, but I knew I was affecting her.
We never did make our dinner reservations that night, and her new dress did end up in a heap on the floor. I did, however, ask her to marry me–as we were both lying in bed, tangled in the sheets. It may not have turned out to be the night I’d spent months planning–but it was better than anything I could’ve envisioned. It may not be the ideal, or G-rated story to tell our children, but all that really matters is that she said, “yes.”