SUTTON

 

The Carousel

Los Angeles, CA

 

 

“This club is weird as hell!” I shout over the music blaring from every corner of the building. Bright lights in all the colors of the rainbow swirl in dizzying patterns over the black velvet curtains hung on the walls. In the center of the room is a giant carousel. It’s populated with wild colored animals smiling with big, human teeth that freak me out like I wouldn’t think possible. I can’t look away from them or the way they rotate slowly, rising up and down in a hypnotic dance completely out of time with the music.

Everything about this place is an offense to the senses, especially the smell – motor oil and sugary cocktails – but I seem to be the only one who minds. Everyone else is laughing and enjoying themselves. Clara is even riding one of the sheep with green eyes and purple boots on its hooves. She sips a neon drink through a crazy straw while she nods agreeably at whatever the low-budget Johnny Depp next to her is saying.

“I know!” Tina laughs loudly. “Isn’t it a gas?! I love it!”

“What do you love more? The bad music or the lazy Susan nightmare?”

“All of it!”

Tina is a bombshell. She’s tall and curvy with just the right amount of flirt in her smile. Everyone loves her, even the people who should hate her. People like me. She’s my biggest competition on the show. She has been for the last two years. I’ve tried to hate her but I can’t. She’s just too damn nice to hate with a clean conscience. Luckily, this season she’s been partnered with a football player without an ounce of rhythm so she’s not a big worry for me. She doesn’t care, though. She says he’s fun. She says she’s having fun getting to know him.

Tina is always having fun.

I can never be Tina.

“How’s the guy?!” she shouts to me across the low, glowing table.

I shake my head like I’m not sure because the truth is, I’m not. Shane is talented. He has more skill than I expected, but he’s also abrasive. I’m sure he’d say the same about me.

“He’s okay, I guess!” I answer vaguely.

“He’s hot!”

“I know!”

“I’ll trade you!”

I laugh at the hollow offer. “Not on your life!”

“Oh, keeping the hottie for yourself, huh?! That’s not like you, Sutton! Are you finally going to mix business with pleasure?!”

“No! Your guy has no rhythm! If he can’t get me a win, what do I want him for?!”

“Guys are good for more than winning!” Ana tells me slyly. “Didn’t your mom teach you that?!”

“My mom taught me everything about men! It’s why I try to avoid them!”

Kasian, a handsome dancer imported from Russia, leans in with a sad expression. “I have noticed this, solnyshko. It break my heart.”

I smile at him affectionately. Solnyshko is a Russian term of endearment that means ‘little sun’. He gave it to me when we first met and he ran his fingers through my golden hair. He told me I looked like sunlight and smelled like summer. If I didn’t know better, I probably would have succumbed to his charms a long time ago.

“I have to avoid you, Kaz,” I tell him. “You’d be the death of me. I can see it in your eyes.”

“And in your eyes, I see all of the heavens. It is beautiful.”

“That’s the scary thing about you. You’re a flatterer.”

“What is flatterer?”

“She means you’re a player!” Tina laughs over the rim of her glass.

Kasian nods in somber agreement. “Yes.”

Tina and I giggle at his arrogance. Kasian and I are a lot alike. We’re both blunt. Both proud. Impatient. Passionate. Driven. Aggressive in our desires and stubborn when presented with anything we don’t like. He’s comforting to have around, but this season we’ll be missing him. With all men on the celebrity side, we’ve been forced to recruit some women from the chorus to replace the men we don’t need. It’s made things tenser than ever behind the scenes. Not only are we competing against each other, now we’re competing against newcomers too. Outsiders. I don’t like it, but then I don’t like change.

Kasian stands suddenly. He offers me his hand and a toothy grin. “This is good song. Will you dance with me, Sutton?”

I smile at his broken English and delicate hand. “I’m feeling a little off tonight. Will you go easy on me?”

“Never.”

He gently pulls me to my feet. Tina slaps me playfully on the ass, making me yelp in surprise. I giggle as I lean in close to Kasian’s side, following him willingly to the dance floor.

With the giant carousel in the middle of the club, the only places to dance are on its peripheral. The space is narrow and packed with bodies, forcing Kasian and I close together. The song is slow. The lights are dim and Kaz smells divine. When he puts his long arms loosely around my waist, I feel myself relax. This club is insane and annoying, but Kaz is familiar. Dancing is like breathing. The two together are so easy and comfortable, I feel like I could fall asleep right here in his arms. I’m exhausted for so many reasons, but dancing has always been a break from life. It’s a chance to catch my breath when things are moving too fast to comprehend. That’s what it feels like now; like I’m breathing. Like the wild dogs nipping at my heels have fallen away and all I can hear is the sound of the music and the beat of my heart finding time with it.

“You will miss me this season,” Kasian tells me lightly.

I smile. “You’ll still be around. You’ll be in the group numbers.”

“It will not be the same.”

“No. It won’t. I’ve never done a season with only women pros.”

“No one has. It is strange.”

“It is very strange.”

“You have met your partner?”

“I have. I met him yesterday.”

“He is big?”

“Yes,” I laugh at the understatement. “Yes, he is very big. Too big.”

“You are small. All men feel too large to you.”

“Not you, Kaz. You’re perfect.”

“Yes.”

I chuckle as he turns me, dipping me down until my long hair touches the floor. He snaps me back up again so that my arms go around his neck tightly, pressing our bodies closer together. We move slowly with the music. I’m sure from the outside it looks sensual. Like we’re a couple wrapped up in each other, but that’s the outside. That’s what people who don’t do this professionally are programmed to think. Closeness = intimacy. But they’re wrong. So wrong. I’ve danced a hundred times with men I couldn’t care less about, and even though I adore Kaz, there’s nothing sexual about the way he’s holding me. His hand hovers just above my ass but I trust that he won’t drop it down any lower because I don’t want him to. He knows that. He respects that. That’s what dancing requires – respect. Trust. Faith. It takes time to earn it. It takes only a moment to lose it.

The song changes, turning to something more upbeat. It’s in Spanish. Kasian immediately dives us straight into it. He’s chosen the Samba. A dance like that with a man like Kasian takes skill. You have to keep up with his energy, matching his pace as he spins you around and around, nearly tossing you away before snapping you back. It’s not a beginner’s dance.

Luckily, I am no beginner.

“Oh, we’re doing this?” I laugh at him as he paces around me with rapidly snapping feet.

“Yes, solnyshko. We do this.”

I smile as I tie up my long rays of sunlight in a ponytail. “Alright, Kazy. Let’s show ‘em how it’s done.”

I rise up on my toes as I offer him my hand because on my toes is the only way I’ll survive this dance with him. He twirls me in close, running his hands slowly down the sides of my body before launching me away. This dance is a lot of hips, ass, and sass, so that’s what we give.

Everything.

I leave everything on the floor, no matter where it is. A stage on Broadway. A studio on the KBC lot. A dancefloor in a wild club in the middle of downtown L.A. Dancing is therapy and I don’t care where I attend it.

We’re about halfway through the song when I notice we’ve gathered an audience. It’s not a surprise. We’re pros in a sea of amateurs grinding against each other clumsily. When Kasian spins me so quickly the thin, pink skirt on my dress rises up to my hips to expose my underwear, the crowd cheers loudly. Someone wolf whistles like an animal, but I’m smiling as I come back around to face Kaz.

Kasian dips me low, bending me over his leg in a move that could snap the back of a woman without my flexibility. I hang there, breathing heavily as the crowd applauds us. That sound soothes the burns life has left on my soul. I feel calm as I listen to them. As I drink them in more deeply than the shots Tina has tried to get inside me. Alcohol has never been my friend. Adoration – that’s my drug of choice. This is my high.

When Kasian brings me back to stand with him, he kisses me quickly. It’s on the mouth and it’s firm. It garners us more applause that he disappears into as soon as he releases me. The crowd swallows him, leaving me alone and breathless.

But not for long.

“That was incredible,” Shane’s voice rumbles deeply from behind me.

I spin around to find him looming over me. Even in my heels, he’s so much taller than me it’s unnerving. His chest is all I can see. His cologne is all I can smell. He floods my senses in a way that sends me back a step to find myself again.

“What are you doing here?” I demand without thinking. It’s a free country. He can be anywhere he wants, but it’s thrown me that he’s here.

I don’t like surprises.

He chuckles, lowering his head so I can hear him better. “I’m getting an education in just how in over my head I am. You and that guy are amazing.”

“Thank you.”

“Boyfriend?”

“No thanks.”

Shane hesitates before chuckling. “You’re funny, Sutton. I didn’t peg you for funny.”

“And I didn’t peg you for a guy who would go to a gay bar.”

“Is this a gay bar?” he asks in amazement.

“It’s called the Carousel and there’s a guy dressed as Rainbow Bright serving drinks,” I answer without inflection. “Yes, Shane. This is a gay bar.”

He laughs into his fist. “No shit. That’s hilarious.”

“How did you not notice?”

“I don’t know. I just figured it was kinda wild. I’ve seen a lot of dudes but I’ve seen a lot of women too.”

“You’ve seen a lot of lesbians.”

Shane smiles down at me. “Not all of them are lesbians.”

“How do you know I’m not here with my girlfriend?”

“Are you?”

“Maybe.”

“Can I meet her?”

“Sure,” I answer sarcastically. “Then we can all go back to your place and have a threesome. Sound good?”

He shakes his head, tucking his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “Nah, not really my scene. Thanks for the offer, though, Boss.”

I open my mouth to ask him what his ‘scene’ is, but I stop myself short. Why do I care? He’s probably lying anyway. What guy on the planet would turn down a threesome with two lesbian dancers? A handful of priests and Shane Lowry? Yeah, I doubt it.

The lights overhead dim to a deep purple. Shane and I are dropped into shadow that feels oddly intimate. We’re surrounded by over a hundred people but he’s the only one I can see clearly. Just as the feeling starts to get claustrophobic, another set of lights kicks on. They’re muted and moving. They dance over us in whites and blues that make it feel like we’re underwater.

The opening cords to Landslide start to play. When the vocals come in close after them, I’m surprised to hear Miley Cyrus instead of Stevie Nicks.

Shane looks at me with a perplexed expression. “Seriously. What the hell is this place?”

I laugh despite myself. “I really don’t know.”

“It’s all over the place. I can’t keep up.”

“Maybe you should go home.”

“Or,” he opens his arms like an invitation, “we could just go with it.”

I should say no. He’s not Kasian. He’s not safe. He’s an unknown and there’s just so damn much of him. It’s intimidating to look at him with all of his strength and confidence knowing he could crush me if he wanted to. How many fights has he been in? How many arrests? How worried should I be?

“I promise not to step on your toes,” he vows deeply. But that’s not really what he’s promising. He’s telling me he won’t hurt me because he sees me. He knows that I’m afraid of him.

It’s shocking how angry his intuition makes me.

“Watch your hands while you’re at it,” I tell him sternly.

He smiles as I put my hand in his. He immediately goes into form for the Foxtrot, taking me by surprise. Of course he sees it written on my face.

“Is this song too slow for it?” he asks.

I shake my head, avoiding his eyes. “It can work.”

“Will you teach me more steps?”

“No.”

He waits for me to say more. I don’t, making him chuckle. I see it in his chest that rumbles in front of my face. I can’t see much of anything but his body and the watercolor lights that roll over it.

“How awkward is this going to be for us?” he asks.

“What do you mean?”

“With our size difference. Is it going to be hard to win?”

I like that’s he talking about winning. At least he’s looking in the right direction; up. I’m always looking up. I’m always looking for the next victory and I need him to be with me on that if we’re going to have a ghost of a chance winning this thing together.

“It won’t be easy,” I admit. “Normally when teams are paired up, they’re done by size and personality. I was in the room when they picked you. They didn’t consider either of those things.”

“What did they consider?”

“If you were in the NFL and if you were in trouble. You were both.”

Shane laughs. “How am I in trouble?”

“You’re violent.”

He pauses mid-step. I keep going, immediately putting my foot down right over his. He doesn’t flinch. His face is impossibly blank, his voice devoid of emotion when he asks, “They said I’m violent?”

I shrug, meeting his gaze head-on. “You’ve been in two fights this year and it’s barely spring.”

“Did they ask what those fights were about?”

“What does it matter? You like to fight. That’s all they cared about.”

“Shit,” he chuckles mirthlessly. He lets go of my hands, backing away a step. “That’s why you’ve been looking at me like you have, isn’t it? You think I’m some asshole that likes to get into shit for the fun of it.”

“It doesn’t matter what I think.”

“We’re going to work together practically every day for the next ten weeks. It matters, Sutton.”

He’s finally using my name, but it’s only because he’s angry. The tone of his voice is so serious, so irritated and flat-out outraged, I feel a strange connection to him.

I’m drawn to negative emotions like an addict’s needle to the vein.

“Are you saying you’re not that asshole?” I ask sharply.

“Yeah. That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

“What am I supposed to base that on?”

“The fact that I’m standing here telling you.”

“I don’t know you. I definitely don’t trust you and I didn’t want you. I wanted Colt Avery.”

Shane smirks but his eyes are hard. “Yeah, most women do.”

“He ticked all of my boxes. I could have won with him.”

“And you don’t think you can with me?”

I gesture violently between us. “We don’t match. Not in body shape and not in personality. There’s nothing here to build off of, so no, I don’t think we can win and that pisses me off.”

He runs his tongue over his teeth, nodding his head stiffly. “Alright, well, this was fun. It was great to see you again and I can’t wait to make a total ass of myself on national television with you.”

“Have a great night, Shane,” I reply with equal sarcasm.

“Yeah, you too, Boss.”

I turn my back on him just as the song comes to an end. I leave him standing there alone as the lights brighten. The mood in the room lifts, but inside I’m sinking. My heart is a stone trying to pump solid ice through my veins. It hurts and it’s stupid.

It feels like that’s the definition of my life lately.

 “Sutton?” Tina calls to me in a worried tone. She’s looking between me and the dance floor, her brow knitted together. “What happened? Is that who I think it is?”

“That’s Shane,” I mutter as I grab my purse off the table. It jostles the drink I haven’t touched.

“Did you know he was going to be here?”

“No.”

“What happened? You both look upset.”

I shake my head hard. “Nothing. It’s fine. I’m going home. I’m tired.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Definitely.” I look up from my bag to give her a wan smile that I wish was stronger. “Have a good night, okay?”

“Yeah. Hey, do you want me to walk you out? Or should I get Kaz?”

“I’ll be fine. Thanks, though.”

I lean down to kiss her cheek goodbye. She smells like alcohol; rich and too sweet.

I push through the crowd toward the door. I want to get the hell out of here. I can’t stay after what just happened with Shane. I’ll feel him in the building no matter where he is. I’ll feel like he’s looking at me, hating me. Judging me. It’s only fair that he would. I’d spend the rest of my night doing the same to him.