“All right, girls, listen up. As you know, Coach Butler was only on loan to us while he healed. The Pappies are foaming at the mouth to get him back on their roster. And I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for my Pappies to start winning again.”

Coach Mae clapped Trip on the back as he smiled widely at the team, making sure to keep his eyes off me. Even though the girls hadn’t said anything more since Trip started dating Robin, we still kept our friendship under wraps. We were careful not to pay any more attention to each other than necessary.

Not that we were doing anything wrong. We were friends. Friends, the dumbest word in the dictionary.

The girls clapped and cheered at Coach Mae’s announcement. My hands felt numb as I clapped along. The smile on my face was as fake as Claire’s nose.

Coach Mae waited for the applause to die down to continue. “I’m happy to let you know I’ve found a replacement for Coach Butler. And we’re fortunate enough to have him start right away so Coach Butler can help the new coach get acclimated.”

The team glanced around the locker room, most likely looking for the newest coach. When we didn’t see anyone lurking around our attention went back to the coaches who were present.

“Coach Butler, do you have anything you want to say before I introduce your replacement?”

Trip put his arm around Coach Mae and squeezed before letting go to address us.

“I would like to start off by thanking Coach Mae for letting me join the team. As you probably know before I joined the coaching staff I‘d gotten into a little bit of trouble.”

The team glanced around, excitement rushing through the huddle at his confession. Trip had never confirmed why he decided to help coach us, and his PR team did a magnificent job burying the car accident story. Trip touching on the subject was like getting a glimpse of a unicorn.

Trip cleared his throat and the team settled down. I held my breath, my eyes glued to him. He wouldn’t acknowledge me, but like everyone else, I was hanging on to his words.

“I was at a bad point in my life, and I didn’t know it at the time but having Coach Mae offer me this position in lieu of community service was the best move I could’ve made. You guys have helped me realize who I’d like to be, and I’ll continue to strive every day to be a better person.

“I would also like to challenge you to look at yourselves and decide if who you are is who you want to be. I know you’re young, but if you can be someone you’re proud of, why not do it now? Don’t wait until you’re thirty like me. I appreciate you letting me into your team. And even though I’m only with you for a little bit longer, I promise to follow you throughout your season. And I fully expect Ws in your future.”

Trip smiled as the girls once again erupted in cheers. He scanned the team and when he landed on me, he nodded slightly before continuing to survey the team. It would have been imperceptible if I hadn’t been looking for it.

His words hit a cord deep inside my skull. Was I proud of the person I was becoming? I always thought by following the rules I was doing the right thing. But was I playing it too safe? Was I going to look back and be disappointed I didn’t take enough risks? Or was I just trying to convince myself to talk Trip out of this stupid friend agreement and take it somewhere further?

Like naked further.

My thoughts were cut short when Coach Mae introduced our newest pitching coach.

“Raine, keeping this secret from you was the hardest part. I wanted to surprise you.”

Coach Mae’s words made my stomach flip. The probability of Coach Mae introducing who she was hinting at was astronomical. I rationalized my wayward thoughts with the excuse of me being tired and upset about my current predicament. That had to be the explanation for jumping directly to the impossible.

“Girls, I would like to introduce Coach Rutching. Raine’s old high school pitching coach. And we know Raine can bring Ws, so I don’t think we’ll have any trouble keeping them rolling in.”

The girls clapped as Coach Rutching glided into the room like a vampire. Or at least that was how I saw it. All sound funneled through my ears as if I were sitting in the bottom of a fishbowl. Blackness edged my vision as Coach Rutching locked on me and smiled.

He looked the same, except more gray peppered his hair, making him look sophisticated instead of like the fucker he was. It felt like a firecracker of unfairness exploded in my chest. For some reason, I pictured him aging rapidly, the guilt and shame of what he’d done to a naïve high school girl slowly killing him. Even if we never confirmed it was his and he wanted to believe the rumors he still cheated on his wife with Renee. He had to feel something. Didn’t he?

Seeing him look exactly the same made me want to scream to the universe at the wrongness of it all.

Coach Rutching spoke to the team, but I couldn’t hear a word he said. My head was light and I was struggling to breathe, a weight of knowledge pushing down heavily.

Trip’s face entered my line of vision, concern written all over it. His lips were moving, but I couldn’t for the life of me comprehend.

All of a sudden I was being lifted up and floating away from the team and Coach Rutching. A bag of ice hit the back of my neck, causing me to inhale sharply. The iciness helped things start to come into focus. I saw Coach Mae and Trip standing in front of me.

“Are you all right?” Coach Mae asked.

“I’m fine.” My voice was weak as I reached back and took the ice bag from Trip’s hands and kept it pressed against my neck.

His warm fingers grazed over mine as he continued to hold on, but then let it go when he noticed I wasn’t moving it away.

“What happened? You look terrible.” Trip kneeled so we were face to face.

“Sorry, I didn’t eat breakfast,” I mumbled.

Both Trip and Coach Mae gave each other skeptical looks at my weak excuse.

“Are you sick?” Trip asked, his hand coming to my forehead to check the temp.

I shook his hand off, unable to look either of them in the eye. It was stupid, but I felt betrayed. Even though neither of them knew the role Coach Rutching played in my life they could have at least given me a heads-up. Seeing Coach Rutching walk into the locker room was one of the biggest shocks I’d ever experienced, and the two people in front of me were responsible for it.

“Are you pregnant?” Coach Mae asked, snapping her mouth shut when I glanced at Trip.

Trip’s eyes narrowed and his gaze dropped down my body. I used my other arm to cover my stomach and finally made eye contact with Coach Mae.

“No, I’m not pregnant. Maybe I’m getting sick. I didn’t feel like eating breakfast today.”

Coach Mae nodded, accepting my excuse. “Skip practice today, Raine. You deserve it with the shutout you pitched last week. Get some rest and we’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Get your stuff and I’ll walk you to your car,” Trip added.

“I’m fine, Coach Butler.”

“Raine, you looked like you were about to pass out. You’re my starting pitcher, and I’m still your coach. Get your stuff. I’m walking you out.”

I nodded and moved to the locker room with my head floating above me. Some of the girls asked if I was okay and I stuck with my not feeling well excuse. As the team went toward the field, I went out of the locker room, happy I wouldn’t have to see Coach Rutching again.

Trip leaned against the wall outside of the locker room with his arms crossed and a frown. His frown deepened as he took my bag from me and led me out toward the parking lot.

“Are you okay, McKenna?” Trip asked when Dora moved in sight.

“I’m fine, Trip. I just want to go home and rest.”

“You work too hard. The team, work, school, and studying for your PT exam. I worry about you.”

Trip looked around to make sure there was nobody around before enveloping me. I wrapped my arms around him, letting him hold me up. His embrace was soothing and I wished I could stay in it all day.

On some level I wanted to tell him about Coach Rutching, knowing he’d help me figure out what I needed to do, but I refused to betray Renee. I finally broke away and climbed in my car.

“I have practice with the Pappies later. I’ll call you when I’m done.”

I nodded, my brain already obsessing over Coach Rutching. Trip waited until I pulled out of the parking lot before heading toward the field.

By the time I made it to my apartment I’d come to the conclusion I needed to quit the team. I couldn’t let Renee find out about Coach Rutching. She was finally moving on and I refused to let him tarnish her happiness.

I changed into my sweats and a tank top and lounged on the couch, my mind still racing.

“Aunt Kenna, are you naked?” Norah yelled when Renee opened the door to our apartment.

“Squish,” I cried, jumping off the couch and grabbing my favorite four-year-old in the whole wide world.

“What are you doing home? Don’t you have practice?” Renee asked, hugging me around her daughter.

“We had an early practice,” I lied.

“I’m glad. I miss you so much. And I have so much to do. I need your help, Kenna. Hold on, let me get my bag.”

The mischievous sparkle in her eyes had me hesitant. Renee ran outside and came back lugging a small rolling suitcase behind her.

“Are you moving back in?” I asked, sticking a straw in Norah’s juice box.

Renee laughed and unzipped the suitcase in the living room. Binders and journals and other things I couldn’t describe were crammed inside.

“What is all of this?” I sat down on the carpet to look at the wonder of it all.

“These are the things I need to decide on for the wedding. Do you know how many different chairs there are?”

To prove her point, Renee thrust a catalog filled with only chairs at me.

“Nene, this is insane,” I told her, flipping through the catalog as my eyes went cross.

“I know. That’s why I need you, Kenna. Your brain was made for this sort of stuff. I need your smarts to help me knock some of these decisions out. I mean, being my maid of honor, it is kind of your job.”

My eyes watered as I glanced up from the catalog.

“I’m your maid of honor?” I cried, hugging her over her suitcase.

“Of course you are. You’re my sister. I was going to do some fancy MOH proposal, but I would have needed your help for that too.”

I giggled and hauled out some of the binders, putting them on the table.

“Okay, let’s get this going. But first, we need food.”

Norah cheered, skipping out of her room with some of the toys she had left behind. After gorging ourselves on pizza we poured over wedding stuff for hours, finally making a dent in the wedding plans.

“Thank you for this, Kenna. I wouldn’t have been able to do this without you.”

Renee’s phone rang and Norah grabbed it.

“It’s Daddy. Can I answer it?”

Renee nodded and Norah answered the phone with a smile. While she talked to Brian she moved around the apartment, her hand swinging wildly.

“She started calling him daddy after he proposed,” Renee whispered as we watched Norah circle the kitchen table.

“I’m happy for you.”

“He’s so good to her. I wish he were her real dad. I keep having this nightmare where her real dad tries to steal her from me,” Renee admitted.

My heart skittered before pumping full blast. “He’s been out of her life for almost five years. I promise you, even if he tries to get her, he’ll have one hell of a fight. Besides, we did a good job spreading the marine rumor over school. I have a feeling even if he knew the truth he convinced himself the rumors were true.”

“I know. I’m just worried. It’s not like he’s going to pop up out of the blue.”

A strangled laugh left me and I chugged my bottle of water.

“The other night I almost looked him up to ask him to sign something stating he’ll never try and get her.”

My head snapped up, wondering if she knew about his newest job and she was baiting me.

“Did you?”

“No, I was afraid if I found him and asked him he’d want her. Then it would be my fault bringing her to his attention.”

“Nene, I promise he isn’t going to get Norah. Norah has a daddy named Brian.”

Renee smiled and hugged me. “Thanks, Kenna. I needed to hear that.”

“Mommy, Daddy wants to talk to you.” Norah handed Renee the phone and I went in the kitchen to get Norah a water.

Norah told me all about her preschool class and how her daddy was going to teach her to play pinball. While she chattered on happily, my mind swirled with the different options I had.

I wasn’t lying when I told Renee she didn’t need to worry about Coach Rutching taking Norah. I loved the two of them more than anyone in this world and somehow I’d ensure they were safe and happy. I needed a plan and quick.

The next day I had a semi organized plan. I stayed up all night thinking it through, and I was hoping to get something solidified today that was foolproof. Coach Rutching being the fool.

My thought was if I could get Coach Rutching in a compromising position he’d be fired and never allowed to coach in high school or a college, ruining his life.

I made peace knowing I’d lose my spot on the team, and not be able to walk for graduation. The thing I was worried about was it somehow getting out in public if I was able to seduce him. I also didn’t want to hurt Renee, and I hoped against hope I wouldn’t lose my place at Dr. Bert’s office. But even with everything on the line it was still worth the risk.

“Raine, are you feeling better?” Coach Rutching asked when I sauntered past his new office.

Just hearing his voice made my skin crawl, and I almost aborted my plan before executing it. I pictured Renee smiling as she made wedding plans, and Norah calling Brian daddy. My resolve solidified and I moved into his office with a smile.

“I feel a lot better, Coach. How have you been? It’s been forever since I’ve seen you.”

Coach Rutching gave me an odd look and I wondered if my shaky plan was already failing. Renee and I ensured Coach Rutching was never looked at by spreading the marine rumor, and we graduated right after, so hopefully he didn’t realize how close Renee and I became.

“I’ve been good. Busy trying to get this job set.”

He was acting too professional, and I wondered if I was lacking so much in the flirting department that I wasn’t going to be able to tempt him at all.

“Wasn’t it you all those years ago who lectured me about setting my standards higher than San Diego?”

You can do this, McKenna.

I walked into his office and leaned over his desk like I was sharing a secret with him. Coach Rutching’s eyes shot to his door before turning back to me.

“Now, Raine. I just wanted what was best for you. We don’t need to mention that it was in the past. Obviously you were right.” Coach Rutching winked, and I wanted to vomit all over him.

“Coach, there’s one thing you need to learn.”

“And what would that be, Raine?” He leaned closer until I could smell the mint gum on his breath.

“I’m always right.”

Coach Rutching threw his head back and laughed.

“You’re different than high school, Raine. I like it.”

“Raine, there you are. Are you ready to practice?” Trip’s voice was hard when he interrupted my little flirting session.

I jumped and turned, guilt gnawing its way up my spine. Trip leaned against the doorframe, his eyes blazing into mine.

“Sorry, Coach Butler. I was just catching up with my old coach.”

I smiled at Coach Rutching before booking it past Trip and heading toward the mound. My mind spun at how smoothly it went. Or at least until Trip interrupted.

It was too easy. Something was going to go wrong.

I shushed my mind and hefted a bucket of balls toward the mound.

“I can’t believe how much you’ve improved since high school. I thought you were good then, but now.” Coach Rutching put his hand on my shoulder and I suppressed the look of disgust wanting to surface.

Instead, I let out a giggle similar to the one Claire would use when Trip was around. Trip caught my eye and frowned, but I ignored it and looked away.

“Well, you were such a good coach, I guess it stuck with me.” I giggled again and hoped I didn’t puke.

“Let’s see if I can help you get even better.”

Holy shit, I thought Trip was cocky.

“Raine, don’t blow your shoulder out for practice,” Trip said coming up beside us.

“She’s just showing me what she’s got, Butler. And I can’t begin to tell you how impressed I am.”

I clenched the ball tight in my hand, debating if I should just smash his face in and come up with another plan later. Trip was right, my pitches were harder than they should have been for a weekday practice, but the anger from having Coach Rutching so close surfaced every time I launched a ball out of my hand. By some miracle, it worked in my favor since Coach Rutching seemed to think I was showing off.

I knew Trip had figured out something was up by the way he kept glancing at me with his forehead furrowed as if he were trying to solve a puzzle. It was going to be hard keeping this from him as lately I confided in him more than in Renee. Having just a tiny shred of a plan formed there was no way I’d tell him in on what I was doing. I just hoped our friendship was strong enough to survive the aftermath.

Trip glared at Coach Rutching, his jaw moving from side to side as he ground his teeth. Coach Rutching either didn’t realize he was getting the evil eye, or didn’t care. He smiled widely at me, ignoring Trip.

“Coach Butler, I was hoping we could practice on my fast ball before you left,” Claire interrupted.

Trip blew out an annoyed breath, his gaze bouncing back and forth between me and Coach Rutching before moving away.

“Is he always so cranky?” Coach Rutching asked, watching Trip lead Claire over to the other mound.

“I think he’s ready to be rid of us and get back with the Pappies.” I shrugged my shoulder as if I didn’t care at all why Trip was in a bad mood.

“Maybe I should tell him he doesn’t need to stay on my account. I think we’re getting along just fine. What do you think?”

“We do work well together, don’t we?” I gave him a smile and his eyes drifted down to my chest before traveling slowly back up.

Coach Mae took Coach Rutching off to the side as I continued to practice. My arm shook at the blatant perusal of Coach Rutching.

Was he fucking with me? Did he know I was still close to Renee? Or was he really that horny he couldn’t see he was stepping into a trap?

Trip was stuck with Claire and her awful fast ball as a thousand questions ran through my mind.

“All right, good practice. Let’s end it early tonight.” Coach Mae gathered the team around her on the field.

“I’m truly proud of you as a team. You’ve made huge strides since last year and I can’t wait to see how the rest of the season plays out. Thank you, Coach Rutching, for taking on our pitchers. They’re the heart of the team and I’m glad to see Coach Butler’s leaving them in your capable hands.

“I talked to Coach Rutching and he feels he’s ready to relieve Coach Butler of his duties. The Pappies will be ecstatic to get their pitcher back full-time. I can speak for the whole team in telling you how much we’re going to miss you.”

Trip jiggled his hat, his jaw tight as he spoke. “It’s with a heavy heart that I’m giving up my position as pitching coach for this team. I wasn’t expecting the Pappies to request me back so quickly. Since I’ve been cleared by all my doctors, and with Coach Rutching on staff I’ll be joining the Pappies immediately. Thank you for the opportunity.” Trip’s eyes ghosted over me before stepping back and stomping toward the locker room.

Coach Rutching smiled and thanked Coach Mae. I shivered when his eyes dipped to my chest before we were released and I sprinted back to the locker room.

“Raine,” Coach Rutching called out from his office I’d just purposely walked slowly by.

I suppressed the smile. He was making it too easy. Once again I doubted if maybe he was playing with me and my plan had already been ruined.

His quick acceptance of my flirting had nothing to do with my skills. So I was either being set up or the little coach in his pants was still calling the shots. I pictured him getting his pitching calls from behind his zipper, making the smile on my face real.

“Hey, Coach.” I sat on the chair in front of his desk, twirling my hair and biting my bottom lip, channeling my inner diva.

“You looked really good today.”

“Yeah, it felt really good today.” I let out a little giggle and Rutching sucked in his bottom lip as he raked his gaze over me like I was dessert.

A knock on the doorframe startled me. I’d been so focused on not launching myself at Coach Rutching’s face and clawing it off I didn’t hear anyone walking in.

“Hey, Rutching, Raine.”

I smiled at Trip quickly before looking down at Coach Rutching’s desk.

“Hey, Butler, what can I do you for?”

“Oh, uhm. Our second baseman, Sampson’s a killer baker. She made blueberry muffins and being new to the staff I wanted to give you a heads-up before they disappear.”

Trip waved a muffin in his hand before taking a big bite out of it.

“Thanks for telling me, but I’ll skip this time. I’m allergic to blueberries. My eyes swell up and my throat gets scratchy.”

The three of us were quiet and the awkwardness of it all broke me.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Coach Rutching. I have to get to work.” I jumped from my seat and ran to Dora, not breathing until I was safely out of the parking lot.

I had just taken a huge bite of my peanut butter and jelly sandwich when a loud banging shook the door. Taking a deep breath, I opened it, not bothering to check the peephole, to let Trip storm in.

“Hey, Trip. Fancy seeing you here. Do you want a peanut butter and jelly?” I asked awkwardly.

This was the first time I’d seen Trip angry and I didn’t know how to deal with it.

“Cut the shit, McKenna. What kind of game are you playing with Rutching?”

I collapsed on the couch and Trip sat next to me, his leg pressed against mine, not letting me get away.

“I can’t tell you. I promised I’d never say a word.”

“He’s Norah’s father.”

I jerked up and stared at him with my mouth wide-open. How could he have known that? Did Brian mention it to him?

“Don’t act so surprised. The first time I was over here I offered to make Norah blueberry waffles. She has the same allergic reaction to them as Rutching.”

I slapped my forehead. I’d completely forgotten Trip offering to make Norah blueberry waffles all those months ago.

“You can’t say anything. We aren’t even sure Rutching ever realized Renee was pregnant with his baby.”

“I’m not going to say anything, but I want you to stop whatever it is you’re planning to do.”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

“Why? If he doesn’t know Norah’s his, there’s no reason to do something stupid. And I may not know what you’re planning, but I guarantee it’s not going to end the way you want it to.”

“You don’t know that. You don’t know any of that. Renee and I planted a story saying she got pregnant by her marine boyfriend and he broke up with her when he found out. We graduated a couple weeks after she announced it, and then we laid low during summer. I don’t even know if Coach Rutching bought it or not, but I refuse to let him ruin Renee’s happiness when she just found it.”

“What are you going to do?”

I shook my head, unable to talk with my throat closed up from unshed tears.

“Please, tell me, McKenna. I can help you.”

“I need you to trust me on this, Trip. I know what I’m doing.”

“What about your spot on the team? You could be banned from walking at graduation. What about your job?”

Trip stood up and paced the living room, only stopping to stand in front of me, waiting for an answer.

“I care about Renee and Norah more than any of those things. I told you before I would’ve been fine never pitching again, and as for graduation it’s no big deal.”

“And your job?”

“It will be fine. Please don’t say anything,” I pleaded with him, afraid he’d blow everything up.

I wasn’t sure exactly how, but my plan was to get Coach Rutching off the team and far away without Renee ever knowing.

“McKenna, I’m begging you to let me help you. We can find a way to get him back without putting your future in jeopardy.”

“Trip, I have to do this.”

“Then there was no reason for this.” He pointed back and forth between us and my lungs seized.

“Our friendship?” I wheezed, unable to fill my lungs with the oxygen they were craving.

Trip thrust his hand through his hair and stared at me. “Yeah,” Trip scoffed. “Our friendship, darlin’. If that’s what we are then there’s nothing more to say. All of this was for you so you’d have all the opportunities in the world without any regrets. Yet here you are throwing it away, for what?”

“For the people I love,” I said, unsure if I was still doing the right thing.

Trip shook his head. “McKenna, I don’t know if you’re being completely naïve or I’m an idiot and what I thought was there wasn’t.”

“If you have something to say, Trip, say it now. You have nothing to hide behind anymore. You’re no longer my coach.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready to say any more. This was a first for me, and as much as you don’t believe it I did this all for you. I was protecting you. I’ve seen players ripped apart in the media. Things blown out of proportion and I refused to drag you into that.” Trip’s jaw twitched before he moved to leave, slamming the door on his way out.

I stared at the spot he had just disappeared from for what seemed like forever, wishing he’d come back in and make everything better. When I realized he wasn’t coming back, I cried myself to sleep on the couch. My sandwich forgotten.