Chapter 10

CARSON

I walked straight to my room the moment I exited the bathroom and shut the door behind me. I leaned against it not even prescient of where I was, but with all my focus on why I had just so easily spit out all that I just said to Xander.

Perhaps it was because he would only be in my life for a short period of time, but whenever I was with him, I never held back and shared what would have been quite difficult if I were with anyone else. Being alone with him again, and in such a confined space took me back to our night together in the bathroom stall, and the regret I continued to nurse at not having the opportunity for one more time with him, rose up.

Somehow, I needed to get myself together, and his presence in my house out of my mind.

 

When evening arrived, I headed to my dad’s study with a cup of coffee in hand.

I found him watching the news, as usual, and placed the coffee on the table by his side. “Why don’t you watch a movie?” I asked him. “They’re much more engaging than the news and it will help relieve you of some stress.”

“I prefer this,” was all he said, so I pressed a kiss to his forehead. I was about to take my leave when he stopped me.

“Are your friends still around?”

“Yes, they are,” I replied.

“What of Xander Cage? Why did you end your relationship?”

I was surprised at the question, but I knew that he wasn't going to let it go so I thought up a risk-free answer. “Irreconcilable differences,”

“What do you mean?”

I opened my mouth but no words would come out, so I just shut it and gazed blankly at my father.

“Do you still care for him?” he asked.

“I do not,” I sternly replied. “He is just amongst the sphere of my friends.” I ended the conversation before it could go any further and headed downstairs to the living room where they all were preparing to leave.

“I’ll take Ida home to my parents,” Bethany announced. “They’ll love to see her.”

Ida smiled at her and then turned to me. “Can Xander and David stay here?”

“We’ll just get a hotel,” David answered. “We would hate to impose.”

I was immensely relieved at his suggestion, however, Xander spoke up. “I would be much more comfortable here, instead of a hotel.”

The room went quiet for a few moments and then I cleared my throat. “Sure, you and David can use Brian’s old room.”

 

 

 

 

♡

 

XANDER

 

I laid in bed later that night and thought deeply about what I was to do. Any decision I would take had to be immediate as we would be leaving the next day. I thought back to what Carson had told me and allowed myself to consider the direction that my heart had already begun to head toward from the moment I decided to come here.

I picked up my phone then and sent Carson a text.

Will you marry me? I asked. I will provide you with the stability that you want.

It seemed as though I waited forever, but soon there was a response. I almost couldn't breathe as I picked up the phone to read her response.

How dare you! it read. You fucking bastard.

I was confused. Why are you so upset? I asked. I waited for almost half an hour after that without a response, and then suddenly I heard her door click open. I instantly rose and exited the room.

I found her moving around in the kitchen. She had a kettle with her, but at my appearance in the shadows, she jumped from being frightened. I saw the water splash out from the spout, and at her shriek, I hurried up to her.

She was inspecting the reddening burn on her hand but at my attempt to do the same, she flinched away from me, and send me a furious glare. “Don’t touch me,” she spat. I watched quietly as she retrieved a mug from the rack by the corner and then began to pour the hot water into the cup.

“What exactly are you offended about?” I asked.

For the longest time, she didn't respond, but then eventually she straightened and turned to me. "Why do you think so highly of yourself?” she asked.

“In what way have I done that?”

“I can give you the stability you want? Because I told you the reason for my engagement with Benjamin doesn't mean that you can throw it in my face. Do I just marry anyone now because of stability?”

“I’m not just anyone,” I said, and she broke out in dry laughter.

Her eyes were twinkling. “Exactly. This is exactly what I am talking about. Why do you think so highly of yourself?”

“I’m not thinking highly of myself,” I replied. “I just have something that I can give to you in exchange for what you want.”

She stared at me. “Stability? You’re going to take care of me with your coffee shop salary?”

“I make more than enough to allow you the time to work on your writing without any concerns. Let’s be married for six months,” I said. “Or a year, whatever you want. You get the financial support that you need from me and in return, we’ll share a purely physical relationship.”

She gave an incredulous snicker. “And how does that separate me from a prostitute?”

“That is an insecurity for you to deal with, not me. Offering to make you my wife in in exchange for the proposed relationship is the utmost way I can show you my respect. Sentiments aside, if you are as attracted to me now as you were before, I don't see why you should give away to another what I can afford.”

“How much money do you have?” she asked.

“Enough,” I responded.

“Then why do you work in a coffee shop if you have enough to keep me stable?”

“That’s my choice.”

She glared at me and then proceeded to make herself a cup of hot chocolate.

“I need your answer,” I said to her. “I’m leaving tomorrow.”

“I have nothing to say to you,” she replied, “and that’s my choice.”

My hand shot out to grab her arm, and she tried to wrench it from my hold.

“Xander,” she called out, but I stared into her eyes, feeling despair engulf my chest. Don't walk away, my heart whispered, but I couldn't allow the words to fall from my mouth. So, I pulled her to me and crushed my lips to hers.

I was instantly hypnotized. Her taste was like a drug that woke up everything inside of me. My brain was running but I couldn't decipher a single reasonable thought, unadulterated lust weakening my very bones.

I held her tighter in my arms, unaware of her pounding against my chest as she tried to get me away from me. I bent with her, unwilling to let go of her lips until she bit down into mine. I drew briefly away at the sharp pain and tasted blood. Soothing the wound with the tip of my tongue, I gazed at her disheveled hair, panting chest, and swollen lips and took another step toward her.

“Don’t you dare!” she yelled as much as she could, without drawing her parent’s attention. She held a finger to me and lowered her gaze from mine to regain her breathing.

I took another step towards her, unable to control myself. She was driving me crazy and this time words fell from my lips. “You’re driving me crazy. Don't you feel this? It cannot be just me. How can you be so calm?”

“I have to be fucking calm!” she almost yelled, the fury bursting through her. “How else am I supposed to be? Every goddamn thing is on the line.”

“I will take care of you,” I swore to her. “Say yes.”

She stared at me as the tears fell from her eyes. She walked toward me and to my surprise struck a painful slap across my face. She did it again, and again, and each time I just watched her. By the fourth time, however, I held her wrist and stopped her in mid-air.

“You might as well just kiss me,” I said. “Because it’s more painful than this.”

She grabbed me by the collar. “Why are you doing this to me?”

“Just one more kiss,” I pleaded, as my gazed lowered down to her lips. I was unable to recognize myself.

“I’m getting married,” she said. “I belong to someone else. How dare you kiss me? How dare you make me…”

“Marry me,” I said, and took a step closer to her, “If you don't feel for him what you do for me then marry me. I have all the money in the world. More than you could ever need…”

“What money?” she shouted.

“Xander,” came heard a firm voice and we both turned around to see her father in the shadows. He was seated in his wheelchair and had been watching us and we hadn't even realized it. Carson immediately turned her face away, shame filling her, and she refused to turn back to either of us.

“Please return to your room,” he said. “I’d like to speak to my daughter alone.”

With a sigh, I took one look at her, gave a slight bow to her father and turned around to head back up the stairs.

 

 

♡

 

CARSON

 

After Xander left, the kitchen remained quiet. I could do nothing but stare at the linoleum tiles, and when there was still no sound I turned around to see my father still watching me.

I couldn't stand it anymore.

“I-I want to go to bed,” I said to him and he quietly rolled his wheelchair toward. I looked down at the three scarred and battered fingers that he used to control the chair and felt the tears fall from my eyes again. I was so ashamed of myself, in every single way.

“Why are you crying?” he asked, and I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes. In all my years while growing up, never had any of the reasons I had given him for shedding tears ever been acknowledged by him.

“No reason,” I said. “Do you want me to help you to bed?”

“I asked you a question.”

“It’s not important Dad,” I said and watched his brows crease into a deep frown.

“Are you not going to answer me?”

“I’m crying because of what he did,” I replied choosing to put all the blame one Xander.

“And what exactly did he do?”

I wasn't sure how much he had seen, so I picked my words carefully. “It was a misunderstanding we had when we were dating.”

“Not because he just kissed you?” my dad asked, and my heart almost fell into my stomach.

I lowered my head in remorse. It would be better for him scold me, so I could go away to lick my wounds in private. “Dad, we have nothing to do with each other,” I said.

“It didn’t seem like that,” he retorted. “Although you didn't kiss him back it seemed more as though you were fighting yourself from giving in than trying to get him away from you. Do you have feelings for him?”

I cleared my throat then. “No, I do not.”

“Then what just happened?”

I had no words.

“He wants you to marry him. Are you going to accept it?”

I shut my eyes and turned my head slightly away. Why was everyone torturing me? “He can’t take care of me,” I snapped. “How am I supposed to marry him if he can’t take of me? Isn't that what you want. Someone who can take care of me?”

“Not at the expense of your happiness.

“I’m not happy with him either,” I blurted.

“Either?”

“Either? You’re not satisfied with Benjamin?”

I didn’t know what to say. Everything was a mess and I felt as though I would only make it all worse, so I just shut my damn mouth and waited for the conversation to be over.

“You’re not going to respond?”

“I have nothing to say, Dad,” I said, and he watched me for a long time.

“Go to bed,” he eventually said and turned around to leave.

Sleep deserted me that night and the following morning, I served breakfast to the entire house, smiling as best as I could and pretending that everything was alright.

I eventually settled down to my plate of pancakes beside my mother, David, and Xander sitting opposite us, and my father was at the head of the table.

We ate in silence, David and my mother stealing glances at the three of us at the coldness that was present at the table. I hurried with my breakfast so that I could escape.

Just before I was ready to stand, my father suddenly addressed Xander. “Why do you want to marry Carson?”

Xander looked up at my father at the question and then turned towards me. I was confused and furious once again.

David and my mom’s eyes had widened to the size of saucers, but neither dared say a word to interrupt.

“Because I want her,” was Xander’s reply.

“Until when do you want her?” My father asked, and I felt like I was being battered.

Xander turned toward me and stared into my eyes. “For as long as she wants me.”

“Can you support her financially?” my father asked.

I cried, “Dad!” embarrassed beyond comprehension. Why was my life being weighed and bargained for with no input from myself? Was I this worthless as a human being?

“Yes, I can,” Xander replied without any reservations.

“Enough that she will be able to do whatever she wants without worrying about finance?”

“That’s not a problem.”

David chipped in then. “It truly isn't sir, he’s worth billions but… why are we… isn't Carson getting married to someone else already?”

The entire table turned to him, especially me. “Billions?” my mom repeated.

 

 

 

♡

 

XANDER

 

 

I bowed my head politely to her mother with my eyes shut. This moment would determine everything, and I was beyond ill-prepared for it. I gave David a look that was enough to express my irritation at what he had just said.

“What does he mean?” her mother asked, and I looked toward Carson and the shocked look on her face. I resolved my desire in my heart and turned to her father. I am the chairman of Beeme, sir. It’s a technology application company. David Faust is my partner.”

“The chairman,” her father repeated, “not the CEO?”

“No, sir. David is the CEO. I founded the company.”

I heard spoon clatter unto ceramic and turned to Carson. “I’m sorry for not telling you, I had my reasons.”

“What could they possibly have been?”

“I wanted to get close to you.”

The table went silent and then her mother asked, “Weren’t you both already dating?”

I watched as Carson lowered her head. Her chair scraped against the floor as she got up and stormed away from the table. David seemed like he was frozen in place as he stared at me.

I turned back to Carson’s father. “Please let me marry her, sir. I’ll take care of her for you. She’ll never lack anything.”

“Do you know why I want her to get married?” he asked. I sensed he was about to get personal, so I turned toward David and asked him to excuse us.

He stumbled to his feet then. “I’ll head over to Bethany’s place. We’ll meet you at the airport.”

Her father went on. “She’s tried her best. The fact that she hasn't achieved what she wants doesn’t mean that she never will, but I want to give her a safe foundation to do that from. I want her to be safe. I can’t breathe sometimes imagining how much she struggles, and my greatest fear is that she might come to regret it all. I cannot give her the support that she needs, and it breaks my heart.”

“Even if we could,” her mother said, “she wouldn't accept it.”

“If I had the means I would connect her with whoever she needed but this is all I am. Helpless and mediocre,” her father said. “I never want her to turn out this way. She’s my only girl, and she deserves the best the world has to offer. I don’t know how long I’ll be around, and this is a reality that she does not want to face. If she will have you, I’ll give her to you. Better you whom she has an interest in than Benjamin, however, I will give you the same conditions that I gave him.”

“You are never to force her to do anything against her will. She is allowed to decide the course of her life, and what she wants out of it without your intimidation whatsoever whether I am around or not. Do you agree to this?”

“I do, sir.”

“You will sign a contract regarding this, and if it is broken, she is at the legal discretion and advantage to tear herself free from you.”

“I understand, sir.”

“You might not be in love with her but respect her at all times. She is not ordinary.”

“Yes, sir”

“The rest is up to you,” he said. “I’ll leave the final decision up to her. Inform me when you both make up your minds.”

I nodded to him as he excused himself from the table.

Seated before her mother, I didn't know what to say so I kept my eyes on her plate and waited.

“You seem like a decent fellow,” her mother said.

“Thank—”

“I’m not finished.” She stood. “It might not seem that way, but I am much scarier than my husband, and regardless of what my husband seems to think, my daughter is not to be passed around like a prized cat, given to whoever seems like the best owner.”

“I don’t—”

“Still not finished,” she said. “I agree that Carson is not ordinary. She deserves the best that life can give her. And that includes a marriage based on love, not just money.”

Before my brain could engage, my heart took over and I said, “I agree.”

“Because if I find out differently, if you cause her any pain, I’ll be after you.”

I lifted my gaze to the woman that reminded me so much of my own mother and smiled. “I believe you.”

“Then, what are you waiting for?” she asked. “Aren't you leaving today?”

“I am, ma’am.”

“Then go and speak to Carson. If she accepts you I want her out of here today and back to her life in New York. Good luck.”

 

 

 

♡

 

XANDER

 

Carson’s door was shut and locked when I arrived.

“Carson,” I called out several times and when she didn't respond, I inspected the lock and easily picked it. And old skill I learned.

When the door swung open, she jumped down from her bed. “How did you… what the… what the hell are you doing?”

“Calm down,” I said and shut the door. “We’re returning to New York in a few hours. What’s your decision?”

She stared quietly at me, the corner of her lips tilted in bitter amusement. “So, you’re filthy rich?”

I didn't respond.

“And all this time I thought you were just some lost guy wandering around from crappy job to crappy job. With expensive clothes, if I might add. I did catch that.” She lowered her eyes to think for a brief moment. “My friends were aware,” she lifted her gaze to mine. “Weren’t they? Especially Ida. That’s why both she and Bethany behaved so strangely when they saw you.” She smiled bitterly. “I was the only stupid one, as usual.”

“Why play around though?” she asked. “Why bother trying to get close to me? All you needed was to wave your money at me and I would have given you what you wanted.”

“Is that what you want to tell yourself?” I asked.

“You don’t think it’s true? Isn't that why I'm marrying Benjamin?”

“You’re doing it because of your father, you don't want him to be worried.”

“And what makes you sure of that? You can read my mind now? Everyone knows what I want better than I do myself?” Aggravated, she turned away from me and said. “Don’t bother asking me to marry you, I am not marrying anyone.”

She disappeared into her closet, and a few moments later, returned rolling a small suitcase.

I watched as she began to fill it up with clothes. “Where are you going?" I asked.

It took her a few moments to respond. Eventually, she stopped and glared at me. "This is my room," she said, "and you're making me uncomfortable by being in it. Please leave."

I watched her, wondering why I was going through all of this just to have her. I was truly out of my mind. "I've done nothing wrong," I said to her, and with that, I turned around and headed towards the door. Furious with both myself and her I slammed the door shut and made my way out of their home.

 

 

 

♡

 

CARSON

 

 

The moment he left, I gazed at the slammed door and found tears rolling down my face again. I sat on the bed, frustrated at the never-ending river of sadness that kept rolling down my cheeks. Why was I always in tears, and confused, and in despair?

I couldn't breathe any longer, so I rose and hurriedly packed what I could and was out of the house in no time.

At first, I was not sure where I was going to go. A motel in town about an hour from my home seemed inviting, but when I arrived and stood before it, the thought of residing in it turned my insides sour. I wanted to be home—a place where I could rest my heart and my head, and my current home afforded me none of that.

One other place I once called home, however, popped into my mind.

I arrived at the seventy-five-year-old woman's yellow semidetached house and walked up to the front door that I hadn't been before since I turned twenty-one.

I knocked, and Miss Valerie Graves, my English teacher from middle school pulled open the door. At first, I was a bit concerned that she wouldn't recognize me, but then when she called my name out a few seconds later I breathed easier.

"Carson?"

I nodded to her, my heart feeling heavy once more and my eyes filling with tears. I wiped the tears away and smiled at her while she watched me quietly.

"Aren't you thirty years old now?"

"I'm twenty-nine," I whined and the woman sighed.

"You're still running away from home at twenty-nine? I hope I'll still be around for you to run to when you turn forty. That's a sight I wouldn't want to miss. Come on in."

I smiled and followed her into the house. A few minutes later, I was seated on her couch with a plaid blanket around me with a cup of hot chocolate in my hands while Valerie sat in her rocker sipping chamomile tea.

"What happened this time?" she asked, and I shook my head.

"I’m fine."

She knew I would speak at my own pace, as usual, so she didn't question me any further and soon the words started to come through. Both of our gazes were fixated on the Seinfeld reruns she was watching on TV, but I only needed her ears.

"I'm confused," I said to her.

"About what?"

"Everything."

"How can you be confused about everything?” When I didn't respond, she added, “You're just not listening to yourself then."

"That was what you said nine years ago. I listened to myself and moved to New York."

She turned to glance at me then. "Is that why you're upset? You regret it?"

"I haven't gone very far."

"How do you know that?"

My brows drew together at her question. "Isn't it obvious?"

"What is?"

"That I’ve..." I couldn't manage to say the world failed. "That I'm not doing well."

She sighed deeply and returned her gaze to the television as she took another sip of her tea. “What did you expect would happen?”

“That I would be living my dream by now, or at least be able to make a decent living and not stoop to..." The words couldn't even come out.

"Stoop to what?" she asked. "What are you stooping to?”

"Valerie, I have to get married. To ensure that my failure doesn't trouble my already ill father and that I'm not forced to give up my dream. But Valerie, I want to give up right now. It's taken me so far and stooped me down to levels I thought I’d never had even considered, and all for what?”

"Who are you marrying?” she asked.

"Right now, I don't even know. There are two options and I care for neither of them. I have failed Valerie. I can't believe it."

"You're just thirty years old... What could you know about failure?”

She was silent before she spoke again. "It is never a failure until you truly are unable to do anything about it, and that can only happen if you're dead. Life is long, and sometimes it can pass in the blink of an eye but then at other times, it can be excruciatingly slow. That is why people keep fighting and keep living because what else is the alternative?”

She was silent again. "What are your alternatives for moving forward?”

"I could drop my aspirations, get a regular job and just settle down on my own... live in peace knowing that I've tried my very best.”

"Living in peace with the life that you are striving for or one that you have allowed life to give to you?" She went on when I didn’t answer. “What would marrying either of these men give you that you could not give yourself?”

"Stability to work on my goals, and my parents’ peace of mind."

“And what would you be giving up?”

“Nothing. I don’t know, everything? I was never the kind of girl who dreamed of being saved by Prince Charming. I just thought I’d… do it myself.”

“Is it worth it to you?"

I couldn't respond. She repeated herself. "Is it worth it to you?"

"What if this is me going too far? Valerie, isn't this going too far?”

She turned then and glanced at me. "Do you know what my dream was? What I wanted the most to achieve in my life? I wanted to be an actress. I ended up as your middle school teacher instead but guess what I ask myself when I sit here every day with nothing that sets my heart on fire anymore?”

I looked at her, eyes brimming again.

"Did I quit too soon? Was I too scared? What if I went to one more audition? What if I took that small role and got discovered? What if... What if...

"I would have probably never met my ex-husband and been physically and mentally abused for the following twenty years. He stripped me of self-worth, and then my son died, and I was stripped of any sense of what truly mattered—who I was and what I was doing in this world. I gave up my identity and my dream to marry someone for security, for safety.”

“What might have happened if I had gone a little bit farther and followed my heart instead of my head? Life is long,” she said. "I keep telling you this. However, it will pass in the blink of an eye when you're truly happy and filling your days with what you want. Therefore, within the boundaries of reason, do whatever you need to make your dreams come true and keep striving.”

I was silent for the longest time as I pondered over her words. "Marriage would keep me in the race..."

“Is it worth it to you?” she asked.