Chapter 18

 

Devin

 

Lilli might change her mind.

I had to hold onto the hope that Lilli would change her mind and want to see me again after Izzy came to live with me. Of course, I didn’t like lying about being married. I’d been beating myself up about it since the moment I said it.

Mr. and Mrs. Edwards probably wouldn’t have cared if I was married or not. I could have shown up and simply worked on my relationship with Izzy like I’d been doing over the last few weeks. But the truth of the matter was that I’d already let the cat out of the bag. The lie was started, and there was no taking it back now.

How would it look if I suddenly said I wasn’t really married? There was no way Ashley would go along with letting Izzy come to my house. After seeing just how agitated she was, I could only imagine what a scene Ashley would cause if she learned I’d been lying about being married.

So even though I desperately wanted to stop telling the lie, I couldn’t stop. I had no choice. And if continuing with the story meant that Lilli couldn’t keep dating me, then I’d have to learn to live with that because I was moving forward with the lie.

On Friday evening, I flew out to Jacksonville. I couldn’t sit around my house another moment knowing that Lilli was just a few steps away. She had looked so upset after our conversation.

I pulled into the parking area at the airport, and the loneliness of the moment hit me. I was taking the jet all by myself. Lilli wasn’t joining me. No one else was joining me. Perhaps I should have just taken a commercial flight; it did seem like such a waste as I walked up the steps and was greeted by the two pilots.

“Just you tonight, sir?” The co-pilot asked.

“Yep, just me.”

The statement alone felt empty. I walked past the couch where Lilli and I had been sitting on the last few flights and instead sat in one of the large reclining chairs. I buckled my seatbelt and automatically started reading the newspaper to kill the time and keep my mind busy.

All I wanted was to forget about Lilli, but my mind swirled with thoughts of her, and everywhere I looked I was reminded of the trips she and I had taken.

We only knew each other for a few weeks. Certainly, I could get over a girl I’d known for such little time. But Lilli was different. I had been different with her, and I knew it was going to take a little longer for me to push through the loss of this relationship.

As the plane sped up and readied to take off, I couldn’t help laughing as I remembered how Lilli had grabbed onto the seat in fear the first time we flew together. I even grabbed the leather tightly myself as the nose of the plane lifted off the ground and pointed toward the sky.

My pilot did love his steep ascends, and I noticed it more than ever after flying with Lilli a couple of times and seeing how uncomfortable the climb made her. I laughed a little at how I was holding on so tight and even felt a little more nervous than I normally did. She’d changed my view of flying and actually made me more afraid than I had been.

Knowing Lilli had changed a lot for me and that we connected so genuinely gave me hope I’d someday find another woman that I matched up with so well. She was funny and relatively drama-free; I hardly knew that was possible in women these days. Most women wouldn’t have been able to deliver that breakup conversation without turning things negative, yelling or making it into a huge scene. But even while breaking up with me, Lilli had kept her cool.

I couldn’t concentrate on the newspaper as the flight continued, so I opted to grab a nap, instead. It would be nearly midnight when I got into Jacksonville, and I had already told Ashley I was coming to visit with her bright and early at eight o’clock. A little extra sleep might calm my nerves and give me the focus I needed to get through this day.

If I could just make it through this conversation with Ashley, I knew she would see it my way and be willing to let Izzy come stay with me. I meant it when I said I would draw up whatever papers she needed. I didn’t want to take Izzy from her, and that was the truth. I’d always known that Ashley and Izzy had a special bond, and keeping that intact was important for both of them.

The car rental company had a car parked at the terminal for me as usual, and after a short drive into town, I was getting checked into the hotel. The clerk smiled at me and was very polite, but I hadn’t seen him before when checking into that hotel.

I carried my backpack with me up to the room and opted out of having the bellhop help me. Of course, they gave me the same room that Lilli and I had stayed in. I had forgotten that they were so good at customer service and remembering details like that.

The room felt oddly empty as I walked in and instantly went to the window to look out over the city. That’s what Lilli had done on both our previous visits, and it calmed me down a little to do the same thing.

I closed the curtains though and stood looking over the bed. Lilli had slept on the left side both times we were there, so of course, I climbed into the right side of the bed when I got in. The quiet in the room was especially deafening as I closed my eyes and tried to get some sleep.

Maybe it was my nap that threw off my sleep cycle, or perhaps it was because I really wanted Lilli there with me. But either way, I barely got a wink of sleep.

I felt a little zombie-like as I went down to the lobby and waited for the valet to get my car. I held my hand over my coat pocket where I had the photos of Lilli and me from our wedding shoot. The urge to look at them overcame me, and I pulled the envelope out while I waited. But just as I was about to look at them, my car pulled up, so I slid them back into my pocket.

On the drive to Ashley’s treatment facility, I was so lost in thought that I’d forgotten to even turn the radio on. I only noticed it when the clicking of the blinker caught my attention as I was pulling into the treatment facilities parking lot.

The outside of the building looked especially bleak as I walked in, and I couldn’t help gazing at the razor on top of the ten-foot fence. Life was more serious than ever for Ashley. I went through the normal check-in process but had to wait much longer than I had on my previous visit. There were nearly a dozen people in the waiting room this time, probably because it was Saturday morning and not the middle of the day. A visit in the morning meant families could still support their loved one and then go about their weekend as normal once they left.

Nearly an hour after arriving, I was finally called back to see Ashley. I handed my personal items to the guard and followed him into the area where he did a quick pat down. It was the same guard as the last time I visited, but he didn’t seem to recognize me at all. His white hair and furry brows looked past me as he did his job and then walked me to the same table I had sat at the last time.

There were six different units at this facility, so only a few of the visitors were in the same unit as I was. I looked around and watched as they visited with their loved ones, and I hoped that Ashley was in a better mood than she had been on our last visit.

When the guard brought Ashley from her room, I knew right away she was doing better. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a sleek ponytail, and although she didn’t have any makeup on, her face was clean and free from the oil and sickness that had covered it on our last visit.

Ashley even smiled at me as she joined me at the table. I smiled back in complete shock at the changes I was seeing.

“You look good,” I said as we sat there for a moment.

“Thanks, I’m feeling good. I’m sorry you had to see me like that before. It’s been a rough few weeks, but I’m finally feeling like myself again.”

“Wow, I’m really happy for you, Ashley. I know this all can’t be easy on you.”

“It’s not. And I’ve been trying to avoid the inevitable truth that I’m going to jail. But my counselor and I have been talking about it, and I think I’ve finally come to terms with that.”

“You have?”

“Well, I guess you can never totally be okay with it. But I’m doing everything I can to get a lesser sentence, and I did give my lawyers permission to try for a plea bargain. Before, I almost strangled the poor guy when he mentioned it, but now I know he’s just trying to help me get out of here before Izzy turns sixteen.”

“I’m so sorry, Ashley. No matter what has happened between you and me, I’ve always thought you were a great mother.”

It was the truth. I’d only been willing to give up on seeing Izzy because I knew she was in good hands. Despite Ashley’s recent shortcomings, I still thought she was a great mother to Izzy.

“I wasn’t the best I could be over the last year. I’m going to have to deal with that. But I do want to talk to you about the custody. Izzy is doing well here with my parents. I know they are old, and she’s not as happy as she could be, but it’s a stable environment.”

“Ashley, my life is different than it was when we were together, or even the years after that. I’m more settled now. I don’t take nearly as many trips, and I have the freedom to cancel them altogether now. Izzy would be my one and only priority.”

“What about Lilli?” Ashley asked.

It was a reasonable question to ask me if my wife was also a priority. I hesitated to find the right words. Lilli’s voice replayed in my head as I tried to find the courage to tell Ashley the truth. Ashley was doing well; she seemed like she was in a good spot, and if there was ever an opportunity for me to make things right, it was that moment.

“Of course, and Lilli too,” I said.

My heart sank at my own weakness.

“Do you have photos of her?”

“Yeah, I brought some from our wedding photo shoot,” I said as I pulled the envelope out of my pocket and handed it over to Ashley.

“You didn’t have to bring your actual wedding photos.” Ashley laughed. “Any photo would have done fine for me. I just wanted to see what she looked like.”

I rolled my eyes as her parents insisted that I bring wedding photos. They clearly had their suspicions about my story and were trying to catch me by telling me I needed to bring wedding photos. But the joke was on them because I had just handed over a stack full of fake wedding photos in an effort to continue covering up the lie that I never meant to tell.

“She’s very pretty,” Ashley said as she looked through the photos. “But you always did go for the pretty girl,” she said cheekily as she did a little vogue pose for me.

“Thank you.”

“Izzy says that Lilli is really nice as well, and my parents said she didn’t seem like a party girl?”

“Yeah, she works as a nursing assistant and is going to start school to be a nurse soon. She’s young, so there’s a little partying, but not anything like you and I used to do.”

“I’m happy for you, Devin. I know I seemed like a total bitch on our last visit, but I want you to be happy. Hell, I want to be happy myself someday. I think the two of you will be able to take care of Izzy just fine while I’m dealing with all of this.”

“Really, you’re going to let Izzy come stay with me?”

“Yeah, she will have a hundred times more fun with you than here with my parents. But you’ve got to get her into school, and you’ll need to keep on her to do her homework. She’ll probably want you to sign her up for a ton of dance classes, so make sure and check the schedules first,” Ashley continued with a ton of details about raising a daughter that I’d never even imagined.

“She will need to go bra shopping soon, and it’s okay to let Lilli take her. She’s not going to want to go with you. Trust me on this. And make time to spend with her at night. Izzy really loves to read, and if you read the same book as she was, then you two could talk about them. I did that, and it was our special thing.”

“Ashley, you’ll still be able to read books in prison. I think we’ll leave that as your special thing. Then you two can talk about the books when we come to visit.”

“You’ll come and visit?” Ashley asked as she started to tear up.

“Of course. I’ll bring her as often as we can. At least once a month. And I’ll have some papers drawn up so you feel comfortable that Izzy can come back with you when you’re ready. However long that is.”

“She might end up with you for the rest of her childhood,” Ashley said through her tears. “I could get over ten years if they don’t agree to a plea bargain.”

“Izzy is my daughter. I’ll always take care of her.”

“Devin, I’m so scared. This whole thing has been such a disaster. I can’t believe I’ve made such a mess of my life.”

“We all make mistakes,” I said partly thinking about the ones I’d made in my own life.

“Yeah, but you’ve never made one like this. I’m sorry you and Lilli have to deal with this whole mess. Please tell her I appreciate everything, and she’s welcome to come visit the next time you two are in town.”

“I’ve made some pretty big mistakes in my life,” I said as my mind spun with the memories of my own shortcomings.

Ashley was in rehab taking control of her life and making good decisions for the first time in several months. It was funny how she was now my role model as I wrestled with the whopper of a lie I’d been telling.

“You’re lucky to have Lilli now. Don’t make the same mistakes you made with me,” Ashley said as she reached her hand out and put it on top of mine.

We were both in tears as we sat there silently for a minute. There was finally some closure to our relationship, and it felt good. We were blabbering teary eyed idiots, and it had taken us ten years, but we finally found a good spot to end our relationship on.

“I should get going,” I said as I wiped away the tears. “Thank you for agreeing to let Izzy come stay with me.”

“I better get going too. I’ve got a group therapy class starting soon,” Ashley said as she shrugged her shoulders. “And I’m kind of excited to tell everyone that you and I are in a good spot now. Take care of yourself Devin, and tell Izzy that I love her.”

“I will.”

Ashley pushed the photos back toward me and turned to walk away. The top photo was the one the photographer caught when I first looked at Lilli after turning around. The emotion in my eyes was intense, and there was a tear forming on the edge of my eye. It was a compelling photo and surely helped convince Ashley that my lie was true.

“Wait, Ashley,” I said as I held the photo in my hand.

“I need to tell you something, and I hope you won’t hate me and change your mind about everything.”

She stopped and walked back over to her chair to sit down. I held onto the photo and tried to gather enough strength to tell her the truth.

“What’s up?” she asked.

“I’m not really married. I lied to your parents when they first told me what happened because they insisted I wasn’t responsible, and I wanted them to believe that I was. Then the lie got out of hand, and I had to continue it. Lilli is my neighbor. I convinced her to come out here and help me. It was a lie; I’m so sorry. Please let Izzy come with me still.”

Ashley was silent as she looked through the photos on the table and finally grabbed the one that was in my hand. She took a long time analyzing it, and I felt like I was going to puke from the stress of the moment and the unknown of what she might do next.

“So you’re not in love with this girl?” Ashley asked as she held the photo.

“Well, actually I think I am in love with her, but she broke it off over this whole lying thing.”

“She broke your fake marriage off?” Ashley asked a little confused.

“We became close. We went on some dates. She met Izzy. And basically, she said she couldn’t keep seeing me because of the lie.”

“So was it really a lie?” Ashley asked.

“Yes, it was. I’m so sorry.”

“But I don’t think your feelings for her were a lie. Look at this photo. You can’t fake emotion like that. You care about her, don’t you?”

There it was, the truth of all truths. I did care about Lilli. It had been eating me alive to think I wouldn’t even get a chance to make things work between the two of us. I’d ruined the first good relationship I’d had in ten years. Only I could do something so stupid.

“I care about her very much,” I finally admitted.

“Devin, I knew you weren’t married. Look at these photos, not a single one of them has an engagement ring, and my parents said Lilli didn’t have one when she visited either. Trust me, a girl is going to show off her engagement ring if she’s marrying a catch like you.” Ashley laughed.

“You knew?”

“Well, I wasn’t positive, but I had a suspicion.”

“But you said yes to Izzy coming to stay with me?”

“Because it’s the right thing, Devin. Despite what you might think about my past behavior, I genuinely have only been thinking about what was best for Izzy. And after talking to her and hearing how well the two of you got along, I knew she would never forgive me if I didn’t let her come stay with you.”

“Wow, okay. Wow,” I said as I tried to hold back the tears.

“So now you have an entirely new problem,” Ashley said as she held the photo up toward me. “You love this girl. I remember this look. I remember it the day Izzy was born, and you looked at her like this. You love Lilli, and you have to go after her and fix this.”

“She won’t see me,” I said.

“She’s in love with you, Devin, she’ll see you. Don’t let another day go by. Get your ass home and fix this. I’ll have my parents get Izzy ready, and you can come back next weekend and get her.”

“Do you really think Lilli will forgive me?”

“Devin, do you really know so little about women? She cares about you. She cared so much about you that she tried to make you do the right thing. Even though it took you a little while, I suspect she’ll be happy to hear that you finally came around and did the right thing.”

“Shit, okay …” I clenched my hands as I tried to think through how I could possibly get Lilli to agree to see me again.

“Look at you, man. You’re so nervous and look like you might pass out. I’m pretty sure you love this girl.”

“I thought it might be love, but then I talked myself out of it.”

“Always a man. Don’t talk yourself out of anything. Get your butt on that plane and get home. Do something uber romantic and win your girl back,” Ashley said as she stood up and gave me a good-bye hug. “I’m counting on you not to mess up this time.”

“Me too,” I said nervously as I gathered the photos and slipped them back into my pocket. “Thanks, Ashley.”

“Go already. I’ve got a group to get to,” she said as she dramatically waved me away.

I did as she asked, hurried out the door and through the security steps to get my things. My heart pounded with excitement as I got into my car and drove back to the hotel. It only took me five minutes to gather my things and then get back on the road to the airport.

But when I arrived at the airport, I realized that I didn’t have the jet reserved to go home until Sunday. They weren’t in town any longer, and I had to go over to the commercial ticket counter.

The car rental company was easy enough to drop off the vehicle, but when I got into the main building, I had no idea where to go next. There were dozens of airlines, so I picked the smallest line and started waiting.

My hands were sweating with excitement as I finally got up to the counter of Frontier Airlines.

“I need to go to Chicago,” I said excitedly. “The next flight. Any seat you have.”

“You don’t have a ticket?”

“No, I’ll buy one, though.”

I pulled out my black American Express card and set it on the counter. She knew right away the power that was behind such a card and started typing away. My fingers tapped nervously as I waited for her to find something for me.

“I’ve got a middle seat in a coach for a flight leaving in thirty minutes,” she said as she frowned.

“That’s fine; I’ll take it.”

“If you’d like to wait until five o’clock, I have a seat in first class,” the woman offered.

“Nope, I can’t wait. I’ll take this one.”

She plugged in my information and printed me a ticket after looking at my driver’s license. I hurried through the security line and jogged down the terminal to the door for my flight just as they were calling the last group to board.

By this point, I was drenched in sweat from a combination of nerves and exertion. The woman took my ticket, and I boarded the flight. It was easy to see which seat was mine because it was the only empty seat on the plane.

There was a very large man sitting in the seat by the window and a muscular man in the seat by the aisle. They were both leaking over into the center seat as I climbed into my spot and held my arms close.

I’d never imagined that flying commercial could be as uncomfortable as that three-hour flight was. The three of us could hardly move as we all sat still and tried not to disturb each other on the flight. We were all uncomfortable. It was like a row of giant sardines had been packed together into a tiny little tin.

By the time we arrived in Chicago, I felt like I had a new case of claustrophobia. It was impossible to hurry off the plane as everyone stood up at once and tried to get off. I waited patiently for my turn and then filed off the sardine container with the rest of my fellow sardines.

When I hit the terminal, I grabbed some water from a vendor and drank nearly the whole thing by the time I got to the shuttle service. It took me nearly thirty minutes to find the right shuttle that could get me to where my car was parked by the private jet terminal, but I finally got on the right one.

The shuttle dropped me off outside the chained link fence, and I had to wait for a security guard to come and let me in. Luckily, it was one of the guards who knew me well, and he chuckled at the sweat that was pouring down my brow.

“Had to fly commercial?” he asked.

“Yep. That was torture.”

“Welcome to the real world that the rest of us live in.” He laughed as the gate finished opening. “Better not quit your day job.”

“Oh, I’m going to work harder than ever. I can’t ever do that again.” Laughing, I ran over to my car and hurried out of the parking lot.

When I pulled into my driveway, I was so excited to see that Lilli’s car was in her driveway. Without thinking, I hurried over to her door and knocked hard.

“Hello,” Lilli’s father said as he answered the door.

“Um, hi Mr. Baxter, right?” I said as I tried to find the words.

“Yep. Lilli just went out for a run. I can tell her you stopped by if you’d like?”

“Um … no … I mean yes. Or, I’ll just call her later.”

“Whatever you’d like,” he said and shut the door.

I couldn’t wait, though. I ran into my house and changed into my jogging clothes and then took off down the street to see if I could catch her. Then I remembered the route she had taken when we ran into each other, so I went the opposite way, hoping I would find her.

My muscles tensed from the dehydration I had going on, but I pressed on. I had to talk to Lilli. There was no waiting. I needed to see her right away.

I was lost in thought as I went around a corner and felt the impact of a collision. It was hard, and I was knocked to the ground from the impact.

“Devin?” Lilli laughed as I noticed she had been knocked to the ground as well. “We have to stop meeting like this.”

She looked radiant even as she sat on the ground. Her red hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and her beautiful blue eyes reflected so much of the sun that they had become hard to look at. She had her tongue ring back in but no makeup on as she smiled at me from the ground right next to me.

“I need to talk to you,” I said as I took in a big breath and stood up.

I grabbed her hands and pulled her up as well. For a moment, I held onto her hand, but she pulled it away from me when she realized I still had a grip on her.

“I can’t Devin. We can be friends, but even that will take me some time. I better get going,” she said and turned to leave.

“I told Ashley the truth,” I blurted out.

Lilli stopped, but she didn’t turn around. I had to say something to keep her from leaving, so I continued talking.

“She was understanding. We worked things out. You were right; I should have told the truth right away.”

Lilli was still facing away from me, and I reached out and grabbed her hand, but this time she let me hold it.

“That’s great Devin; I better get going,” she said as she tried to walk away, but I held onto her hand.

“Lilli, will you go out with me?” I asked.

She was silent, and my heart felt like it might explode out of my chest. Lilli had to agree to go on a date with me. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing her after everything. I pulled on her hand to get her to turn around.

When she did turn around, there were tears streaming down her face. She could barely contain them as she looked down at the ground and tried not to look at me.

“Devin,” she said and then stopped.

“Lilli, hear me out. I know I was wrong, and you were right. I was a giant ass for not listening to you and for going along with the lie at all. I’m not asking for you to commit to anything more than a date. Maybe a couple dates,” I said playfully as I shrugged. “I mean if you want to.”

“Can I talk now?” she asked as she wiped away the tears and smiled at me sweetly.

“Um, yes. Unless you’re going to say no, then I should keep talking and try to convince you.”

“Yes, I’ll go on a date with you,” Lilli said as she smiled from ear to ear.

“Yes?”

“Yes!” she said, and I wrapped her up in my arms as soon as the word processed through my brain.

“A real date. You pick me up at my house. I wear a pretty dress, all that normal stuff,” she insisted.

“Of course.”

“And you have to meet my dad.”

“Done, I just talked to him a few minutes ago. I think he likes me,” I said playfully. “Should we bring my new drone to take photos to document the date?” I asked as I turned and pointed to the drone that had been following me on my run.

“What is that?”

“It’s my new venture. I bought the company out, and I’m going to sell these. Aren’t they cool?”

“You’ve got your own company now?” she said with a sweet smile as she hugged me and looked up at the drone. “That’s pretty damn cool.”

“This is by far the best day I’ve had since Izzy was born,” I said as I leaned in and kissed Lilli softly. “I can’t wait to wow you on our second date.”

Lilli and I both laughed at the thought and cheekily posed for a photo as the drone hovered nearby. My life was finally getting started the way I wanted it to be, and I had Lilli to thank for it all.