I dream of her sometimes

She’s not real, not yet at least, but I have a little girl who’s so much like me. She snuggles into bed and I hold her tight, breathing in that baby smell.

I think I dream of her because she’ll have everything I didn’t have. I’ll have no expectations other than that she grows up healthy and confident enough to make her own decisions. She’ll be strong because I’ll support her in whatever she chooses.

My eyes don’t want to open when the phone starts chirping on the coffee table just as I get comfortable on the couch. Hopefully, it’s Drew. We haven’t seen each other for three weeks, and I’m climbing the walls a bit. This whole long-distance thing is awful when all I want is to be in his arms at the end of the day.

I fumble for it as my hand makes contact with the wooden surface, pulling it to me and opening one eye.

Shit.

“Hi, Mum,” I mumble.

“Hayley, you sound tired. Did I wake you? It’s the middle of the day.”

I wipe the drool from the corner of my mouth. “I’ve been working most of the night. Just catching up on some sleep.”

“If only your job was normal hours.”

“Babies don’t keep to rosters.” I laugh, but it’s hollow and tired, and I want to screw my eyes up and finish this so I can sleep. Conversations like this leave me wondering if I was ever a baby at all. I have no idea how my mother coped.

“Do you remember Courtney Jackson?”

I let out a loud breath. “Kind of.”

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen her, but her boy is back from overseas. Remember him? Although, when I say boy, he’s a rather impressive man now. A lawyer.”

I shake my head and roll my eyes. They ache. What I need is sleep.

“Well, Mum, I’ve got a boyfriend. I just haven’t told you because I wanted to know where it was going first.”

She breathes heavily. It’s the breath of disappointment I’ve heard before. I haven’t shared my private life with her in years, and she’s annoyed right now that I haven’t updated her. I can tell by the silence.

“What does he do for a job? Does anyone in that town have a job?”

I bite down on my bottom lip before I really upset her. “He’s a doctor in Hamilton.”

“A doctor?” Now she sounds upbeat.

“He’s an obstetrician. His family lives in Copper Creek. That’s how we met.”

“Oh. So how much does an obstetrician earn?”

I slap my palm against my forehead. “I don’t know, Mum. We haven’t gone into salary specifics. It doesn’t matter to me.” I sigh. “We’re getting to know each other, and we’re happy. That’s all that matters.”

“I’m just looking out for you.”

“I know, and I appreciate it so much. But I can’t live the life you want me to. It has to be what I want.”

She sighs, and for the first time it washes over me, as if it means nothing. Because that’s exactly what it is. I’m doing what I need to keep myself afloat, financially and emotionally.

“Okay. I’ll let you get back to sleep. Think about it, though. She was telling me he was asking after you.”

“Who?”

“Courtney Jackson’s son.”

This is so vague it’s worth testing her. “What’s his name? Does he know me?”

There’s silence again, and I slam my hand across my eyes in frustration. She doesn’t even remember his name and yet she’s all but married us off in her head.

“I’m going to sleep, Mum. I can barely keep my eyes open.”

“Fine. Talk again soon.”

The call ends abruptly, as it usually does.

We weren’t always this way. This wall between us went up when I abandoned her and Dad’s plans for me and did what I wanted, only to have them both doing the whole ‘we told you so’ routine when things went downhill.

I close my eyes and return to the dream of my child, the one who only exists in my head. She visits more often on days like this, almost like a premonition that my mother will contact me and make me feel inadequate.

Even when my life far surpasses any of my past expectations.

* * *

I didn’t know what loneliness was until I met Drew Campbell. Not that I blame him for that. I’d suffocated in the city, yearning for peace and quiet, and found Copper Creek just when I needed it.

I’ve made friends. My colleagues are wonderful and supportive. Margaret and I are a great team. And I’ve dated from time to time. For the most part though, I’m content to be by myself, away from the expectations of my parents and the crowded big city.

Drew makes me feel whole and empty all at the same time. When I’m with him, my world lights up in a blaze of colour. When I’m not, it returns to the drab hues it was before I came here, and I’ve never felt so alone.

When he’s not here, I ache for him.

Tonight is my dinner with Ash Harris to discuss the women in his community getting proper pre-natal care. My stomach rolls because he makes me nervous. Meeting him in public beats going into that community again, as that scared the crap out of me, but it’s not much better.

I dress conservatively, with a deep blue high necked dress with long sleeves. My heart wishes Drew was here. Maybe I should have been more forceful and not let Ash talk me into this. I’m the queen of hindsight.

It’s just a couple of hours.

Picking up the phone, I dial Drew again, but the call’s not going through. I don’t have a landline because I live on my mobile, but there are times when the phone coverage is a bit patchy out here. It always picks its moments.

He knows I’m going and isn’t happy about it, but I just need to hear his voice.

At the sound of a tap on the door, I throw my phone into my handbag and open it.

The dark eyes of Ash Harris drink me in, and I shrink back. His lips curl, and I have no doubt he thinks it’s because he has some sort of magnetic effect on me. I’ve seen that effect in practice on some of the women in his community. That’s not what causes my reaction. He scares me.

“You look incredible,” he says in that smooth-as-silk voice.

I smile, but it’s in the knowledge that my overwhelming attraction to Drew overrides any potential interest in this guy. He came into my life at exactly the right time. I’m far from vulnerable now. “Thank you.”

“Shall we go?”

I nod, and follow him out to his car. Margaret might think this is a good idea, but I’m still not convinced. Maybe because Ash makes me so nervous.

He drives the short distance to the poshest restaurant in town. It’s not open all year-round, but it is during the spring and summer when tourists are more likely to be in town.

My head’s in a whirl as we’re led to our table. The most important thing about tonight is getting a foot in the door. The last thing I want is to have to go through what we did with Julia a second time. With proper care, it would never have gone that far or been the emergency that it was.

“Heineken please,” he says to the waitress. “Hayley?”

“Just a glass of water, thanks.”

“Would you like to order food too?” the waitress asks.

He nods. “May I please have the scotch fillet with peppercorn sauce? Medium-rare.”

“Can I get the same?” I ask.

My skin crawls when he smiles at me, as if he’s pleased with my decision. I guess he’s used to people following his lead. The thought never crossed my mind. I just like the steak here.

I lean forward, ready to talk shop. “So, we need to talk about the situation that happened with Julia and how that can be avoided going forward.”

Ash leans back in his seat. “You really want to talk about business straight away?”

“That’s what I’m here for.”

He nods. “The easiest way to fix it is for you to come and live with us. Live with me.”

“That’s not going to happen.”

The drinks arrive and break the tension between us. He never removes his gaze from me, and it’s uncomfortable, but I don’t let him know that. I get the feeling he’ll be looking for any vulnerability, any way to get under my skin and convince me to do what he wants.

“There are two community midwives, and we basically share the load between us. There’ll always be someone to take care of pre-natal visits, births, and after-birth checks between us.”

“I want you.” His tone suggests that he means more than just for me to be a midwife in his community, but I choose to take it that way.

“I work for Margaret Joyce. We have a roster.”

He shakes his head. ”No, Hayley. I want you.”

There’s no mistaking it now, and I swallow hard. “Well, that’s impossible.”

“Is it?” His lips curl into a smile. “You’d have everything you ever wanted. I would make you my queen.”

Princess. Drew’s voice is in my head, and I draw strength from it. “I’m not interested. Like I’ve already told you, I have a good life, a job, and a boyfriend.”

Disappointment flickers in his eyes. “I could give you more.”

I hold my palms up. “This isn’t going to happen.”

For a moment, we stare at each other.

“Excuse me for a minute. I need to go to the bathroom.” Ash gets up and walks away. Has he given up, or is he just taking a moment to work out a new strategy? Maybe he really just needs to use the bathroom. Leaving is an option, but I don’t want to cause an even bigger scene in a town that’s so prone to gossip. Shit. My stomach churns at the thought of Drew’s family finding out about this dinner. No matter how innocent it is, it doesn’t look appropriate.

Ash wants me, and his intensity terrifies me. He’s just offered me his whole world, whatever that is. I’ve had a glimpse behind the curtain, and I can see how impressive it could look.

“Hayley.”

I look up. Owen Campbell’s walking toward me, and anger’s written all over his face.

“Owen?”

“What the hell are you doing?” he hisses.

“I’m having a business dinner.”

“It’s who he is, Hayley. I don’t trust him. And I thought you were with Drew. Doesn’t look like it.”

My jaw drops. “Drew’s my boyfriend. This isn’t a date. Plus, Drew knows about it.”

“That’s what it looks like to me.”

“You’re wrong.”

Ash walks back toward the table, raising an eyebrow at us. Owen rolls his eyes. “Enjoy your evening.”

“Are you okay?” Ash asks.

I nod. “He was just saying hi. He’s my boyfriend’s brother.”

“Not a nice hi from the look on your face.”

Shrugging, I turn back to my drink. “We don’t know each other that well.”

“And he’s upset seeing you with another man?”

“Something like that.”

He gives me a smile. “I’m sorry. I understand your reluctance to leave your life and live with us. With me. I’ll just say thank you for everything you’ve done, and we’ll have dinner.”

“We still need to work out future care for any pregnancies that might eventuate in your community.”

“That can wait.”

I’ve been put in my place.

Ash licks his lips slowly. “Is this going to cause trouble between you and your boyfriend?”

“No. Drew knows how I feel about him.”

Across the room, Owen keeps his eyes on me. His date also has her gaze focused in my direction, but she’s glaring. God knows what she thinks.

I’m relieved when dinner arrives as it kills the uncomfortable silence between me and the man across the table, who’s probably not used to anyone saying no to him.

At least tonight is nearly over.

* * *

We reach my house, and I can’t wait to get inside. This guy plays games, and even if I’m refusing to play, it’s exhausting. There must be people who just give up fighting it because he’s so intense.

I slip my key in the door, and turn back toward Ash. “Thanks for dinner.”

“Thank you for coming with me. Maybe we could do it again sometime.” He flashes that vibrant smile and before I know it, his lips are on mine, his tongue pressing for entrance into my mouth.

“Get off me.” I push, my heart pounding with panic.

He runs his hand through his hair, his eyes piercing me. “I thought …”

“You thought what? I said no.” All I want is Drew—all I need is Drew. If I ever doubted how strong my feelings were, there’s no more doubt.

Ash reaches for my elbow. “I want you to come and join us.”

“Don’t touch me.” I pull back.

He licks his lips and nods. “I’ll leave, but please consider it.”

“I told you, I’m happy with my life the way it is.”

Taking a step back, he doesn’t take his eyes from me. In another place, another life, maybe I could fall for this guy, but not this way and not here or now. “Think about it. I know you’ll change your mind.”

He turns and walks down the path toward the road. I shove the door open and stumble inside, closing and locking it behind me.

Drew.

I reach the couch and sink into it, retrieving my mobile before I throw my bag on the floor. It’s after ten, but surely he’ll still be awake. I can only hope I can get a signal.

The line rings and rings, and just as I give up hope of him answering, there’s a noise in the background.

“Drew Campbell’s phone,” a tired woman’s voice answers, and my stomach climbs into my throat.

“Is Drew there?”

“Doctor Campbell’s in surgery and it’s a complex one so he’s left his phone at the desk for emergencies. Can I take a message?”

I let out a breath and close my eyes. “Umm, can you please tell him that Hayley called?”

“Are you a patient of his?”

“No. I’m his girlfriend.”

“I’ll let him know. You’re the midwife who brought that girl in the other week, aren’t you?”

“Yes.”

“I’ve worked with Drew since he was a trainee doctor. It’s nice to see him with a smile on his face. That last girlfriend he had just made him miserable.” She pauses. “I hope I haven’t spoken out of turn.”

“Not at all,” I croak. Her words touch my heart.

“I’ll pass on your message. I’m not sure how long he’s going to be.”

“I understand. Thank you.”

Hanging up the phone, I burst into tears. While her words were lovely, all I want is to hear Drew’s voice. It might have been easier to get his voicemail.

I’m a mess. Carrying my phone with me, I drag myself to the bedroom and strip off my clothes. I pick up Drew’s T-shirt from the bed and tug it on over my head. It doesn’t smell of him, but it’s the closest thing to the man I’m falling for I have.

Curling up under the sheets, I tuck the phone beside the pillow. Drew.

I don’t even realise I’ve fallen asleep until the phone chirps beside me. My eyes are raw from crying, and it hurts just to open them and see Drew’s name on the caller ID.

“Drew.” I cling to the phone.

“Hey.” His soft tone tells me he’s concerned, and the relief just from hearing his voice slows my racing heart. “I’m sorry I took so long to return your call. I was in surgery for a really long time.”

I sniff, and despite my tired eyes, hot tears spill down my cheeks.

“Hayley, you okay, babe?”

“No,” I whisper.

“What’s wrong?”

I lick my parched lips. “Tonight, I did something dumb, and I really need to tell you about it before you hear it from your brother.”

“What? Which brother?” There’s panic in his voice now. I don’t think I worded what I just said very well.

“Owen. He saw me at dinner, and I think he got the wrong idea.”

“Wrong idea about what?”

I bite down on my bottom lip. Hard. “I went to dinner with Ash Harris.”

There’s silence for a moment. “I knew this was a bad idea. Especially when he gives you the creeps.”

“All I want is to help those women. I thought it’d be easy to get through.”

He lets out a breath. “And Owen saw you?”

“Yes. He had a go at me because he thought it was something it wasn’t. I swear I didn’t think about that, Drew.”

“I see.”

“Ash dropped me off at the door, and then he …” Tears overtake me as I take big gulps of air.

“What the hell did he do?” The anger in Drew’s voice is clear. Exactly who it’s directed at, I’m not sure.

“He kissed me,” I whisper.

I hear him swallow. “What are you trying to tell me, Hayley?”

Oh God, he thinks I’m breaking up with him. “I pushed him away, and I told him I was seeing someone else. He already knew that, and he was pretty insistent, but I got rid of him.”

“Shit,” he yells. “And then you couldn’t get hold of me. Do you need me to come? I’ll get in the car if you need me.”

I let out a loud breath of relief. “I’m okay, but I thought you would be angry with me. I wanted to tell you before anyone else …”

“You thought I’d be angry with you for what someone else did? All I want right now is to wrap my arms around you and tell you it’s going to be okay.”

My heart explodes. My fear all but evaporates, and I close my eyes. “I wish you were here, but I don’t want you driving. Not if you’ve been in surgery for hours.”

“I want to be there too. I’ll see what I can do, and I’ll call Owen, tell him to back off.”

Sighing, I nuzzle the phone. “There’s no need. I know you want to protect me …”

“Damn right I do. I know you have issues with doing this long distance, but, princess, I’m in this for the long haul if you are.”

I sniff, wiping my nose. “I am too. I want this to work with us.”

He lets out a small laugh. “Since you were here, all I can think about is you. You wearing my shirt, you in the bath, you and I having breakfast together … Everything.”

“You’re all I think about too. I don’t know what to do about the distance.” I roll over and onto my back.

“Me either. We’ll work it out. I’ll be there on my next day off, and we can spend a couple of nights together. If that’s what you want.”

“It’s all I want.” I stop short of telling him I love him, even if I’m feeling it. One step at a time. I don’t want him freaking out.

“No more having dinner with that freak. Margaret will have to find another way in.”

“You’re so hot when you’re bossy.”

He chuckles. “I’m gonna be bossy when it comes to you.” He pauses. “Shit, I just love that we get each other. We can talk work and both understand it. I can talk shit and you still listen.”

Laughing, I roll back over. “Speaking of work, I know you had a late one, so you’d better get some sleep.”

“It’ll be hard to sleep without you after this call.”

“I miss you. Goodnight, Drew.”

“Night, princess. I’ll call you tomorrow. Don’t worry about Owen; I’ll take care of him. In fact, I’ll ask him to keep an eye on your place just in case that weirdo gets any ideas.”

“Thank you,” I whisper.

“Try and get some sleep. I’m going to go and have a shower before bed and think about you.”

I let out a laugh. “Are you thinking about me before or after the shower?”

“Before, during, after—all of the time.”

When I put down the phone, I can breathe again.

I should have known Drew would be on my side.