Ben.

My ears ring and everything moves in slow motion. I hold my hands either side of my head, trying to get rid of the sound that plagues my brain, but there’s only one thought nagging at me right now.

Ben.

I see him lying on the ground, and I crawl toward him. His eyes are open, as if he’s staring into the distance, but I know there’s nothing behind that stare.

No.

I make it to him, and ignoring any danger, I sit and pull him onto my lap. One of his legs is gone at the knee, not that it matters anymore. Ben’s dead.

Cradling him in my arms, I rock, tears rolling down my cheeks. He and his family welcomed me into their home when I was so lost. He’d become my best friend, my brother. Things might long be over between his sister and me, but nothing ever changed between Ben and me.

Pain rips through my shoulder, but I don’t care. The agony of losing my best friend is so much worse than any physical pain I could endure. He has a wife at home, and a baby on the way. This was our last deployment. We’ve both had enough.

It’s not fair.

Right now, I’d give anything to swap places with him.

I have nothing. No permanent ties to anyone. That all went when I left Copper Creek. I’ve spent years pretending for the most part that my family doesn’t exist, and hiding myself from any updates I might accidentally stumble across. Once I lost Lily, I lost everything.

There are times when I feel utterly empty, like my soul is lost and can’t be found. That emptiness is much worse with the loss of Ben.

My heart’s raw, and I barely notice gunfire around me as another team swoops in to pick up the pieces. I can’t let go of Ben—I won’t let go.

* * *

I wake to Lily’s steady breathing, and it calms me. I’d never confess this, but the lights we set up to help her through her fear of the dark also help me when I dream of Ben.

It’s the same dream, over and over. I go weeks without having it, and then he haunts me every single night for days on end at a time.

Maybe it’s payback for him dying instead of me.

* * *

Opening the garage is the best idea I’ve ever had, but it’s not easy.

I have two mechanics working with me now, one qualified, one under an apprenticeship. Today, I’ve been down one as my second mechanic has been working out on a farm on the other side of McKenzie’s Mountain.

It’s late when I walk around the garage and toward the house. Corey’s ute sits in the backyard, and I smile as I walk in the door.

Lily greets me with a kiss.

“Corey’s here?”

Lily smiles. “He hasn’t been here long. He’s—”

The sound of a gunshot echoes in the empty night. It’s close. Too close.

My head swims, and my vision blurs. Lily squeals as I grab hold of her and push her to the ground, shielding her with my body. Not Lily—anything but Lily. I’ll sacrifice myself before anything happens to her.

The taste of sand is in my mouth. The acrid smell of burning flesh fills my nostrils.

“Adam?” She’s scared, but so am I. The last time this happened, I lost Ben. I won’t lose Lily.

“Keep your head down,” I whisper, clutching her tighter. “Close your eyes.”

“You’re scaring me.”

“It’s okay, baby. Everything will be okay, I swear.” What about Max? Where’s he? The baby? My heart burns with the need to protect my children, but there’s no way to get to them without leaving Lily.

“That got the bastard.” Heavy footsteps land in front of us. I raise my head to see the butt of a rifle. My heart races. “Adam, what the fuck?”

“Don’t hurt her. It doesn’t matter what happens to me, but please, don’t hurt her.” My eyes sting with tears as I croak the words.

“Adam.” Her voice is soft, but I won’t let her sacrifice herself for me. I dig my nails in to keep hold of her.

“Dude.” A hand lands on my back, and I shake it off. All around me is death, and I can’t handle it. My shoulder aches where I was shot, as if it’s a fresh wound.

“Adam. You’re scaring Lily. You need to get off her.”

“I can’t. I can’t lose her.” I’m a snotty mess, my nose streaming as my eyes do. I let her down once, and I’ll never do that again. I need her to be safe.

“I’m right here,” she says.

“Are you okay?” The voice is deep and familiar, but whoever fired that gun is a direct threat to my family.

“Not really. I twisted my ankle when Adam pushed me over, and my foot’s still stuck under him.”

I hear her voice, but my ears still ring. It’s as if I’m in a tunnel, and she’s outside and so far away from me.

“Adam, I’m going to move you. Lily’s hurt.”

No. My ears rush with blood.

“You might have to just do it, Corey.”

The hand moves to under my arm and is joined by another under my other arm. I’m lifted off her, and I struggle as Lily slips out from under me.

“No. You can’t take her. Take me.”

“You’re not going anywhere.”

Lily pulls herself to her feet and takes a couple of steps toward me. I reach for her, and she cups my face, bringing everything into focus with her. Her blue eyes search mine. “You’re safe. Adam, you’re safe. You’re here with me in our home with our kids. No one’s going to hurt me, or them. We’re safe.”

I let out a sob.

I’m on my feet, and she slips her arms around my waist. The movement grounds me, and I look around to see my older brother holding onto my arms. “Corey?”

Lily rests her head on my chest, and I breathe in the scent of her blueberry shampoo.

Corey retains his hold on my arms. “What happened?”

“I don’t know. One minute I walked in the door, and the next …”

“The shot set him off. He pushed me to the ground, and I think he was trying to save me.”

“Save you from what? He hurt you.”

Lily reaches to touch Corey’s hand. “Not deliberately. From what Adam was saying, I don’t think we were even in our kitchen anymore. Were we, Adam?”

I shake my head. “I can taste the sand,” I whisper.

“Shit.” Corey lets go of me, and I turn toward him.

“I would never hurt Lily.”

“I’ll make us all a coffee and we can sit down,” Lily says softly.

Corey shakes his head. “Not on that ankle. You sit down, and I’ll make the coffee.”

He eyes me suspiciously, and I can’t blame him. I haven’t had anything like this happen since I’ve been back in New Zealand. I thought it was something I’d got over long ago.

Despite her arms having been around me, when I take Lily by the arm, she flinches, and she grimaces as she takes another step.

“What’s wrong?”

“My ankle. When you dived on me, I fell awkwardly.”

It tears me apart. My girl, still recovering from childbirth, and I threw her on the floor, injuring her in the process.

“I’m sorry, Lily.”

She shrugs. “It is what it is. Help me to the table, and we’ll have to work out where we go from here.”

I haven’t heard her so deflated since we’ve been back together. All these months our relationship has been happy and full of love and laughter. That’s what she needs, not me falling apart. My guard’s so far down, I didn’t even think to use those stupid breathing exercises that Jenna taught me. Would they have helped? Maybe not, but I could have tried.

Pulling Lily’s arm over my shoulder, I help her as she hops to the table. I fall to the floor at her feet. “I’m so sorry.”

She sighs, and runs her fingers through my hair. “I have no idea what that was, but we need to get you help.”

“I think I need to tell you a story.” She’s asked so many times, but I’ve deflected, not wanting to wound her with knowledge of how I tried to move on from her. If I tell her about Ben, I tell her about his sister, the first girl I was with after Lily. “Please?”

Corey stands behind me with the first-aid kit. “Get out of the way. I’ll take a look at your ankle, Lily.”

I move to the side, and keep scanning her expression. Her face is devoid of colour, and her eyes have dark circles underneath. She’s under enough pressure with a new-born baby without me adding to it.

“We need to ice this and rest it before bandaging it.”

Before he can say anything else, I retrieve a packet of peas from the freezer and a tea towel while he grabs an ottoman from the living room. We work in silence, placing the frozen food on her ankle with the towel to hold back the ice.

“Thank you.” I think she’s speaking to Corey, but at the same time, she reaches down to stroke the stubble on my chin.

“I love you, Lil. I’d never hurt you deliberately.”

“I know. You were trying to save me.”

Corey snorts, and I glare at him.

“Did you get the possum?” Lily asks.

He nods. “He won’t be eating Lucky’s food again.”

“I hate that you have to do that.”

He nods. “They’re pests. There are so many native animals around here, and if you let the possums get out of hand, they’ll destroy that.”

Lily sighs. “I know. It just makes me sad. I love the bush behind our house; it’ll be great for the kids to learn about nature.”

“Then we need to make sure that there are plenty of animals left for them to learn about. It’s why I love where I’m living. That group that owns a huge chunk of the mountain have been after my land for ages, but they can bugger off.” He stands and goes to the kitchen bench, plucking two mugs from the cupboard.

“I’m pretty sure Adam will want one too.”

Corey grunts, and reaches for a third cup, flicking on the kettle. He’s pissed, and I don’t blame him. He’s always been protective of Lily, and even offered to take care of her and Max in my absence. While he’s said it’s not because he has feelings for her, I have my doubts. Lily said no to his offer of help, but I’ll always wonder if she’d said yes if it would have become more than a relationship of convenience.

All I know is that she has a way with him that no one else does.

And right now, she probably prefers him to me.

* * *

Lily’s still distant at bedtime. I try and make things up to her by making sure Max is in bed on time, and I’ve changed every nappy since the incident in the kitchen.

When the baby is fed and asleep, she slides into bed with me.

“Everything okay?” I ask, knowing it’s not.

“It’s fine.”

“Come here then.” I hold my arms open, and after a brief pause, she lets me wrap them around her. There’s nothing better than having her in my embrace, and I close my eyes.

“You scared me,” she whispers.

“I scared myself. It was all so real, and I couldn’t bear the thought of anyone taking you away.”

Opening my eyes, I meet her gaze. Her blue eyes are full of concern, and tears well in them as we look at each other.

“Nothing and no one will ever take me away. Not again,” she says softly, raising her hand to brush my cheek.

“I know that. It was just my reaction to that gunshot. Everything’s been so good, and I’ve been so relaxed that I let things go too far.”

She swallows. “Tell me what happened. Please.”

It’s not the first time she’s asked, but it’s the first time I’ll give her an answer. After everything, she deserves to know the full story.

I kiss her, savouring the taste of her lips as if it’s the last time I’ll enjoy them. It’ll be a few more weeks until we can do anything more with her so recently giving birth, but right now I need her to know how much I love her. How much I’ve always loved her.

“Adam,” she whispers. “Let me in.”

I take a deep breath. “When I left town and went to the States, I stayed with friends of Mum and Dad. They had a son my age, and we got along so well—it was like finding another brother. We enlisted together. I thought I’d lost you, and it was what he’d always wanted.”

She nods.

“To cut a really long story short, we travelled the world together. We saw so many different places, met so many different people. We fought by each other’s sides, and we came home together. Ben met someone and fell in love. I was the best man at his wedding.” I scan her face in anticipation of her reaction. “I had a relationship with his sister.”

It hits her; I can see it. I don’t have to ask to know her mind’s ticking over, and she knows all this went on after I thought she’d left me. While she was back here, struggling with a young child, I was half a world away trying desperately to fall in love with someone else. Not that it ever worked.

“Anyway, my last deployment, we’d been really lucky to have been through so much. There were mental scars, but not physical. We were both getting out. He and his wife had a baby on the way. I just wanted a new life.”

Lily wipes my tears with her fingers.

“He died, Lil. Our Humvee hit an IED, and I was the only survivor. I held him in my arms, but he was already gone. That’s when I got shot. It was a miracle it was my shoulder and not a bullet through my head. It was only because there was a team behind us who came in and dealt with the insurgents that nothing worse happened to me.”

Warm tears fall on my chest.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m right here.” I grasp Lily’s chin and pull her gaze to mine. “I got better physically, but mentally, I was a mess.”

“And then you ended up with me.”

“We both have our scars, and they’re pretty deep. I see you struggle sometimes, those nights when you still have nightmares. The bedroom lights help with your fear of the dark, but they don’t take it all away.”

She nods.

“I stayed in the army to try and make up for something. I don’t know what. When I left, I fell apart, and at first, there was no one to help. I’m pretty sure it’s the same wherever you go. Being in the army is one thing, and there are groups you can get support from. But there’s a reason why there’s such a high suicide rate among veterans.”

Her grip on my arm tightens.

I swallow. “Then I met someone. She’d worked with people like me, people with PTSD. She spent hours talking it through with me, teaching me ways to cope. I was busy burying myself in alcohol.”

“She helped?”

There’s no easy way to put this, and I wrap my arms around her and brace myself for her reaction. “We fell in love. At least, that’s what it felt like. After a while, she moved in with me.”

“That was the woman you told me about,” Lily whispers.

“It was. I got so caught up. She and I were so close, and I nearly asked her to marry me. But she wasn’t you, Lily. I realised I wasn’t prepared to marry some other woman when I didn’t feel a fraction for her of what I felt for you. It wouldn’t have been fair to her or to me.”

Tears roll down Lily’s cheeks.

“I chose you, or at least the feelings I had for you. How could I commit to someone without feeling that way about them?”

I break myself out of my thoughts. I hadn’t been fair on Jenna at all. Not from the start of our relationship to the end. She hadn’t deserved what I’d done to her.

“Adam.” She sobs

Now, I not only have the love back I thought I’d lost so long ago, I have the original target of those feelings. My beloved Lily.

“I’m so sorry about today. It’s been a long time since …”

“No, it hasn’t.”

“What?” Her eyes are so hurt, and I’m so confused.

“I’m not the only one who has bad dreams. You hide it better than I do, but I hear you cry out in the night. I see you sit up to get your bearings and I understand because I do the same.”

I nod. Despite me trying to hide it, she knows. I should have known she did. “When I came back and found out what had happened to you, all I could think of was how I could make things right.”

Lily rolls away and onto her back. “It wasn’t you who abused me. It was my mother.”

“I know, but I still feel guilty about it. I always will. It might have been her, but I could have done more.”

She sighs. “What’s done is done. We’ve moved forward so much, and we need to keep on going.” Focusing her blue eyes on me as I nod, she gives me a small smile. “We are going to have to find you some help though. You can’t live in the countryside and do that every time a gun’s fired.”

“I know, and I’m so sorry I hurt you today.”

Lily shakes her head. “I’m not blaming you for that, and I’m not saying this because of what happened to me. If this sets you off every time, it’s the impact in here I worry about.” She taps me on the forehead. “You’ve done a wonderful job of looking after us, but now we have to look after you.”

I let out a relieved breath. If there’s one thing I know about Lily, it’s that she has a big heart. I should have known she’d do anything to protect me, just as she does our children.

“I’ll work something out. You and the kids are everything to me. I couldn’t bear it if I lost you.”

Her eyes, so full of concern, search mine. “You will never lose us. Got it?”

I nod, but this latest episode fills me with fear for the future. “Tomorrow, I’ll do some research on the net. Work out what the next step is,” I say.

“Tomorrow, I’m going to need some help getting around with Rose.”

“Rose?”

She smiles. “Max was right. It’s the perfect name. She is my little rose.”

I kiss her. I love her. “You’re all so precious to me. We should be back up to full staffing at the garage tomorrow. I’ll work something out after I’ve taken you to the doctor to look at that ankle.”

“It’s only twisted. I’m sure I just need to take the weight off it for a while.”

“Even so, I think we’ll get it checked out. The last thing I want is for it to get worse.”

Lily runs her hand down my arm, and gives me a tender kiss. “I love you. We’ll get through this just like we’ve got through everything else.”

I close my eyes as we snuggle together. There’s nothing I love more than Lily and our family.

Nothing will destroy that.

Ever.