I thought the worst was behind me.

It’s not.

I gave in two days ago and stashed a bottle of bourbon in a kitchen cupboard. Lily has enough on her plate with Rose not sleeping well. She doesn’t need the stress of me struggling. And I am.

Ben visits me more at night as it gets closer to the anniversary of his death. I just hope that after that date, it eases off.

Maybe it’s guilt that drives the dreams. I spent so long wishing it was me who died that day instead of him. Me, who had nothing to live for at that stage while he had everything.

Maybe it’s that now I have the life he longed for—the steady love of a good woman, and children. He was so close to being a father for the first time, and that was a role he couldn’t wait for.

Maybe it’s just because I miss him.

He would have had so many words to say about me being back here. Ben was my person, the one I poured my soul out to. He knew how much pain I was in when I thought Lily had left me, and he knew how hard I fought myself to stay away from town.

My heart’s in my throat when I think about him and how much he would have loved this place. He would have adored Lily and Max, and been happy for me.

The thought of that leaves me feeling even guiltier.

This time it’s a little after midnight, and I seek Jenna out. She was the first person to help me; maybe she can do it again.

I hesitate as I hold my mouse over the message button. This feels like a betrayal, even if I’m not up to anything. Lily would be hurt. But I also don’t want Lily to have to worry about me when she’s still dealing with having a new baby.

Rose isn’t the best sleeper, and I help as much as I can, but the days are as long as some nights for Lily. The garage is so busy, it’s hard to find time to help her as well.

I click the button.

I need help.

The reply is almost instant.

What can I do?

I’m having more dreams again, and I’m worried it’ll impact my relationship with Lily. I’ve already hurt her by mistake.

Those little dots appear, and my stomach clenches at the thought of turning to my ex for help.

Hurt her how?

My brother shot a possum and the gunshot caught me by surprise. I pushed her to the floor to protect her.

Shit. Okay. Do you have someone to talk to over there?

I sigh.

I don’t know if there’s anyone close who can help. That’s the worst part of living in a small town.

It’s not a good idea to talk to me.

I know.

Where exactly are you? I know I’m far away, but maybe I can find someone.

I let out a loud breath.

I’m in Copper Creek. There’s a slightly bigger town about fifty kilometres away called Carlstown.

Okay. I’ll see what I can drum up. I’m not sure if I can help, but you know I’ll try.

I nod. Of course she will. I might have hurt her deeply, but Jenna’s a good person.

“Adam?”

I turn. Lily stands behind me. “What are you doing?”

“Catching up with an old friend.” I should tell her, but I’m worried about upsetting her unnecessarily.

“Come back to bed. I’ve got something for you.”

I grin. “What’s that?”

She peels back her bathrobe, revealing her naked body underneath. Her breasts are full and firm, having grown in size during pregnancy. Lily’s never been more beautiful.

“Are you sure?”

“It’s time.”

I lick my lips, more than ready to reacquaint myself with her body, but there’s something I need to do first. “I’ll just finish this. I’ll be two seconds.”

“What is it?”

I swallow. “I’m asking Jenna for help with something.”

“Jenna? As in, ex-girlfriend Jenna?”

I nod.

Lily’s eyes convey her hurt.

“Lil, she has contacts, and she might be able to find someone here I can go to for help.”

“You didn’t think you could talk to me?”

I run my fingers through my hair, and she crosses her bathrobe again, tying it closed.

“You’ve just got so much on your plate. Having a baby, then I lost it in the kitchen. She friend-requested me on Facebook one night and messaged me, and we’ve had one conversation.”

She swallows hard, and tears run down her cheeks. I’ve hurt her.

“It hurts that you would keep this from me.”

“I never intended to.”

Shifting her gaze to the ceiling and away from me, she sniffs. “I told you we needed to trust each other, but it feels like you broke that promise.”

I shake my head. “Lily, I wouldn’t do anything to make you lose your faith in me. I swear. We had one conversation, and she asked me about my family and saw my photos. That’s it.”

“And then she’s the one you ran to when you needed help.”

I close my eyes. It’s true. Lily should be my first port of call, no matter what. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

When I open my eyes, she’s taken a step back. I reach for her, but she pulls away. What the hell was I thinking? Lily’s so much stronger than she realises, but I’ve hurt her at a time when she’s particularly vulnerable. She’s just shown me that vulnerability in coming to me and revealing her post-birth body, which, knowing how self-conscious she can be, must have been tough, and I admitted to turning to someone else for help.

I love her with all of my being.

“How long have you been messaging Jenna on Facebook?” Lily’s tone is pained, and I can’t bear to hear it.

“She messaged me. And I replied to be polite. Not for any other reason.”

All Lily’s insecurities surface. She’s fought so hard for everything in her life, and here I am wanting to make her life easier in some ways, but just making things worse. “Are you sure?”

“Lily, I love you. I only want you.” I let out a loud breath. “I only ever wanted you.”

“You left me once before.” Her voice cracks.

I shake my head, my eyes searching hers, but all I see are her tears. “No. It wasn’t like that.”

“It was. You didn’t even hang around.”

Boom. There it is. The thing that’s never been said, but has been simmering at the surface since we got back together. The worst part is that she’s right. “No, I didn’t. And I’ll regret that for the rest of my life.”

I stand and reach for her, pulling her into my arms despite her resistance. “You’re right. I didn’t hang around, and I should have. I should have trusted in us more, and known you wouldn’t leave me. And then I stayed away far too long.”

She sobs, going limp, and I hold her tight.

“I was young and stupid, and I hate myself for what I did. You didn’t do a single thing wrong, and you spent years suffering for it.”

“You didn’t wait for me.”

I shake my head. “I made the biggest mistake of my life. All I can hope for is that you let me make it up to you.”

“So talk to me. Tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling.”

“The last thing I want to dump on you is what’s going on in my head.”

She sniffs. “Please, Adam. Do you know what it was like being in my mother’s sewing room all those months? Drugged, slowly starving, terrified of the dark? The only thing that kept me going was the thought of being with you at the other end. Now, I have you back, but I need all of you.”

“You have all of me. I swear.”

Her arms wrap around my waist, and I close my eyes. I’d do anything to go back in time and right my wrongs, but with no other option to do that, all we can do is move forward.

“I’ll never leave you again, Lily. I swear.”

“Having a baby isn’t going to stop me worrying about you.”

I press my lips to her temple. “I’m sorry to make you worry. You and Max and Rose are all I need. I just want to be the best man I can be for all of you.”

She lets go of me, and her eyes search mine. “Don’t you get it?”

“Get what?”

“You already are.”

I shake my head. “That’s not true.”

She lets out a loud breath. “You’ve given us everything. Most of all, your heart. I know you’d do anything for us, and that’s what we need.”

“I’m worried that I’m broken. That I’ll screw up and hurt you again. Hurt the kids somehow.”

Lily places a firm hand on my chest. “We’re both broken. But I know we’re each other’s glue. I’ll hold you together if you hold me.”

My heart stills. She’s right.

“Rose is still new, and I’m suffering some sleepless nights with her. That doesn’t mean I’m not here for you.”

“I know,” I whisper.

“Stop treating me like I’m made of china. I’ve been through the worst that life could throw at me, and I’m stronger than I’ve ever been right now. So much of that is because you came back, and I have the other half of my heart again.”

I nod, pulling her into my arms.

Everything she says makes sense. We’ll get through this together.

* * *

In the morning, there’s a simple message from Jenna with a name and phone number. Lily’s with me this time, and she smiles as I type back.

Thank you.

I open another tab and Google the guy. Great. He’s in Hamilton. I can’t complain, but it would have been better to get someone closer.

Lily lets out a sigh. “Guess you’ll be doing some travelling.”

“If this works out, are you going to be okay at home without me when I go to see him?”

She smiles. “I’d rather get you help now than wait and make things worse for you.”

The browser dings, and I flick back to Facebook.

You’re welcome. I hope it’s useful.

“Tell her I say thanks too.”

Lily says thank you, too.

I’m glad to help. Having a broken you is no good for her or your babies. Take care, and let me know if I can do anything else.

Standing, I slip my arms around Lily’s waist and hold her tight. “God, I love you.”

“We should have known there’d be bumps in the road with two damaged people being together. But we have one thing going for us that a lot of people don’t.”

“What’s that?”

“When we’re together, we’re whole. I don’t think we’d have ever been as good with other people. You and me, Adam—this was always meant to be.”

I reach behind me and flick the computer off.

“Are you going to call that guy?”

“Well, I could, but Max has gone to school, and Rose is asleep. Wanna make the most of it?”

A smile spreads across her face. “You might be onto something there. But there’s something I need to do first.”

“What’s that?”

She takes my hand and leads me to the kitchen, heading straight to the cupboard I stashed the bourbon in.

“How did you …?”

“I’ve not been as preoccupied as you thought.”

I open my mouth to protest, but the lid’s already off, and the amber liquid is being tipped into the sink.

“This is about the last thing you need. We’re going to stop this before it starts.”

I nod. “You’re right.”

“We’re in this together. You and me. The way it always was.” A smile spreads across her lips. “Now move your arse and get into that bedroom.”

I laugh as she leads the way, dropping her clothing as she goes. Following her lead, I slip into bed beside her, and pull her into my arms. Naked Lily is my favourite Lily.

Her skin’s so soft, and as I pepper her neck and shoulder with gentle kisses, I run my hand down her back. We’ve shared what intimacies we can since Rose’s birth, but most of the time she’s been so tired, and I haven’t pushed my luck. Now I get to indulge in my favourite girl.

“I wasn’t sure if you’d like my body anymore,” she whispers. When we got back together, she was quite self-conscious at times, given how thin she was. Over time, she’d grown more relaxed around me.

“I’ve always loved your body. Still do. You had a baby, Lily, and if anything, you’re even more beautiful.”

Her cheeks flush red.

“Just being able to touch you again is all I need.” I slip my fingers between her legs and stroke her gently.

She reacts, her eyelashes fluttering as my index finger plays on her clit. “Adam, I’m a bit nervous about this.”

“I’ll be gentle. You know I will. If anything hurts, tell me and we’ll stop. Okay?”

She nods. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too. With everything I have.” I drop my head to her breast and run my tongue around her nipple. She sucks in a breath, and I chuckle. “It’s okay. I know those belong to Rose for the moment.”

Lily laughs, and her body relaxes. “I don’t want to leak all over you.”

I shrug. “It is what it is. It’s still you, Lil. Doesn’t make me love you any less.”

Moving down her body, I marvel at the changes in it. When I returned, she was all skin and bones.

I kiss her stomach, and she sighs as my tongue hits her clit. “This. So much this.”

I laugh against her skin. “Miss me?”

“Yes. I mean, I haven’t been in any state for this, but I missed how close I feel to you.”

I take a bite out of her thigh with my lips. “Maybe this is the therapy I need.”

“It’s got to be a good start, right?”

She bucks her hips against my face, and I take her over the edge. Grasping my hair, Lily moans, and the sound’s music to my ears. I know her body so well, and I know what’s waiting for me.

Slowly sliding into her grounds me. It’s Lily and only Lily I’m supposed to be joined with. No one else will ever do.

She’s breathless as I thrust, gentle at first and speeding up as I get closer. This will be no sex marathon. I want and need my girl so much; it’s not going to take long.

“Adam,” she whispers, and it’s enough to take me there.

I close my eyes when I come. Lily’s my heaven, and I’m back where I belong. Maybe it’ll help me get through the night without the bad dreams. That might be wishful thinking, but today we’ve reconnected on more than a physical level. Telling her about Jenna has closed the gap between us.

Rolling to her side, I pull her into my arms. “Are you okay? I wasn’t too rough?”

“You’re always gentle. I’m fine.”

I slide my hand down her back until it rests just above her arse and kiss her temple. “I love you, Lily. I’m just so worried I’m going to screw this up.”

“You’re not alone. If anyone understands this, it’s me. Don’t shut me out. We’ll work it out together.”

I don’t answer at first, and I cover her mouth with mine to taste her sweet lips again. She always got me better than anyone else, always understood.

We will work it out.