The aftermath of learning that Joe was gone forever felt absolutely horrific. I couldn’t eat, or sleep, or even think about anything else. I was in a world of my own, absolutely lost in the never-ending abyss of unhappiness. For the first few weeks, I simply lay on the bed, wallowing in a deep hole of self-pity, only getting up to look at the mail as the course acceptances started coming in. I needed something new to focus on, something of my life to take my attention off the horror that was my life, and that was all I had. It didn’t feel as good as it should’ve to learn that I was at least wanted somewhere, but I was trying.
The fact that I would now be going off to college alone, without Joe’s comforting presence by my side, was the main reason I felt compelled to bypass photography as an option. It just reminded me too much of the person I was doing my best to forget. Anything to do with him left a physical ache in my chest, one that made it challenging to even breathe, and I knew that if I was ever going to make a go of a life of my own—a concept that admittedly felt alien—then I needed to do something totally different. English seemed like the next best thing, it might’ve been a spur of the moment decision, but I enjoyed it and got a fairly good grade for it at school. As it turned out, that was the best decision I could’ve made. I met Cici, and some other friends, and it led me down the career path that would make me very happy as I grew up.
Still, even as the future looked a little brighter, the agony remained.
At home, there was no escaping it. The knowledge of what’d happened clung to every wall, it ran thick in the air; every breath, step, moment, was a constant, unwelcome reminder. Joe’s parents were suffering the agony of losing both their children in very different ways, and if that wasn’t enough to tear their marriage apart, the affair he’d had with my mother lay in the mix as well. It wasn’t much of a shock to witness the ‘For Sale’ signs going up in their garden, it was the only way they’d ever have a shot at surviving it all, but it killed me all the same. They might’ve only been moving across town, to be nearer to Marie’s grave, but that took Joe too far away from me forever. At least if they were still here, we might bump into each other when we were both home, but now he was truly lost to me for the rest of my life.
That pain threatening to swallow me whole every single day. I didn’t think I could survive it, and to be perfectly honest, I still wasn’t totally sure how I had.
Then there was Mum. Looking at it as an adult, I could see she was heartbroken over losing the man who was probably the love of her life—after all they’d both risked, it had to be love, surely? But at the time I needed someone to blame for my issues, and she was the only one left. Maybe me and Joe could’ve remained friends at the very least if she hadn’t deemed it necessary to sleep with someone that wasn’t hers. She could barely hold it together, and at the time, not only did I need her the most, but I also wanted to push her away, it made me even more resentful. Frustration and anger seeped between us, creating an irreparable chasm.
Then, to make things even more insulting, she soon met Malcom. He was someone who came into her life through her work, and put something of a smile back on her face. Maybe I should’ve been happy for her to find someone that made her feel more positive after the life trauma she’d just been through herself, but I didn’t. He didn’t start off as her lover, she was still too fragile for that, but I could see from a mile off that it’d end up that way, and I hated her for it. I hated him more, a feeling that I never quite managed to shake off no matter how old I got. It was probably much more circumstantial, than a genuine personality conflict, but it was never going to be anything but toxic from day one.
I didn’t feel fully ready to move on to college when the time came around. I was still stuck in a terribly emotionally exhausted state, but I couldn’t remain in the constrictive, claustrophobic state of home, either. Especially not with him coming around more and more often. I was petrified and thrilled to say goodbye to every bit of it, to start on a chapter of my own.
“Hi.” The girl I found in my assigned room, the one I presumed I’d be spending the foreseeable future with, beamed brightly at me. She had an aura of fun, and the sort of eyes I couldn’t imagine anyone ever saying no to. I immediately wanted to be liked by her. “I’m Cici, what’s your name?”
“Oh, erm, Charlotte, but everyone calls me Lotts…no, Lottie.” I was blushing furiously, stammering over my words, wanting to make at least a half-decent impression despite the debris that the hurricane of my life had left behind. “It’s good to meet you. Are you on the English course too?”
“I sure am.” She flung her hands onto her hips and peered deeply into her wardrobe. Cici was already totally unpacked, seemingly really prepared, whereas it’d taken me over an hour to work up the courage to just walk out my front door to get into the car. This was the sort of person I needed in my life, this was a friend I wanted, someone who would pull me out of my shell. I could already tell she was totally unique, different to anyone I’d ever been friends with before, but that was okay. Perfect, in fact. “So, I already spoke to a group of people that live down the hall, and they’re arranging a night out tonight. I know that we’re supposed to go and do all the dumb fresher’s stuff, but this sounds way more fun, don’t you think?”
“Erm, yeah, sure…” I tossed my bags down on the bed and eyed her curiously. Maybe she was going to be a little too much for me. “Doing what, exactly?”
“I don’t know, going to watch some band, I think…”
Luckily that wasn’t Danny’s band—I wouldn’t have been anywhere near ready to meet him at that point if it was—but that moment did cultivate our love of going to gigs. We studied hard, most of the time we got our work in on time, but the rest of our social lives revolved around going to see live music playing. That was a passion I hadn’t had before, and I loved having something that was just mine.
I still thought about Joe, at least once a day. I wondered where he was in the world, what he was up to. I didn’t know if he was still travelling or if he’d made it back home yet, and I didn’t ever ask. I never really wanted to know, not when I was doing my best to become Lottie, not one half of Lotts-and-Joe. Eventually, the pain in my heart lessened when his face popped into my brain, the knot in my stomach wasn’t quite so agonising, the tightness of my lungs was slightly less crippling…
Maybe I didn’t totally get to the stage where I didn’t feel anything at all when I thought about him, but it was an improvement, and that was all I could ask for. I avoided home as much as possible to keep it that way. I spent as much of the holidays as I could with my friends, and every day it just got that little bit better.
Then, in the middle of my second year, Cici bounded over to me, shrieking with excitement. The words that came out of her mouth next would change my life forever…not that I knew it at the time. “Do you remember that band we became obsessed with last year, with the super-hot singer?”
“Which one?” I chuckled in reply. “That sounds like all the music we listen to.”
“Oh, come on—Jax. I have tickets for us to go and see them tonight. I didn’t realise they were playing, so it’s all a bit last minute, but you’ll come, won’t you?” There was a pleading in her eyes that didn’t really need to be there. I was so in!
“Yes, for sure. Oh my God, that’s so exciting. Although I did always think that the drummer was much hotter than the singer…”
We went out dressed to the nines, giggling with excitement, expecting to have a whole lot of fun. I never thought that me and Danny would have a moment, that our eyes would meet in such a lightning bolt way, and of course I never thought he’d come and join me after the set. When he brought me that first drink and we chatted as much as we could, I felt something real shift within me. I couldn’t explain it, even then, but being beside Danny made my feelings for Joe feel childish. This felt like it was on another level entirely.
It was honestly the start of my real life.
Little by little, Danny completely overshadowed everything I ever had with Joe. He never seemed ashamed of me, despite his public reputation, he never left me not knowing where I stood, he always treated me like a princess, and best of all, I felt like I could be myself around him. I never had to hide my feelings or disguise my inner-sadness. If I was mad, I could just be mad, it was absolutely liberating.
Maybe my mum never gave Danny a chance when she first met him, but Cici absolutely adored him, and her opinion had quickly become the main one that mattered to me. She always seemed so smart, and she told me what she was thinking in the most straightforward way possible.
I should’ve let her in more this whole time. As I made my way back to my mum’s house to gather up my belongings, I realised I’d been focusing on all the wrong things entirely. Instead of dealing with the issues that life had presented me right now, because I couldn’t think of an immediate answer, I veered off into another area of problems entirely. Maybe once a few days had passed I would see it as a good thing, a positive step to finally close that door behind me, but right now I felt foolish. Instead of seeking out Cici’s advice, instead of planning what I actually wanted to do with my current relationship, I was screwing around and visiting Joe.
What an idiot!
A determination surged through me, and my steps quickened even more. The past was done, it was done before I even went to college, I should’ve locked it up then. Joe made that decision then, and maybe it was the lack of control that kept me clinging on, but this time it was me who locked the door, I was the one to say goodbye, and I wanted to roll with that. It was the closure I’d always needed, that I never thought I would get.
Now I needed to focus on me, on what was happening in this present moment, and I had to start immediately. If I didn’t, I risked losing everything I’d worked so hard to build. Maybe I didn’t know any truth, maybe I wasn’t sure of anything, but not thinking about it at all wouldn’t solve that. Only action would.