The phone rang shrilly, completely knocking me out of my nostalgia trip. With my heart still racing from the shock, I rushed down the stairs, amazed at myself for getting sucked in so easily. After avoiding the past for so long, I was a little stunned at how quickly my mind went right back to it, without even considering the implications. I’d unlocked the box inside my brain, and I wasn’t sure if there was any way of shutting back up now.
“Hey babe,” Danny crooned into the phone, in the chocolaty sweet voice I loved so much, although this time, hearing his voice didn’t make me feel safe and special, it sent waves of guilt crashing through my body. I felt like I’d betrayed him by just thinking of Joe. “Our show last night was amazing!” he continued, completely oblivious to my internal turmoil. “I wish you could have been there.”
“I don’t think your adoring fans would appreciate that.” I smiled warmly to myself, trying to push my other thoughts aside. I needed to focus on him and what he was saying, because I never got to speak to him very long. I didn’t want my worries to affect the short time we had together.
I was so happy for Danny and the way Jax had become so successful. I knew how much they deserved it and how hard they’d worked to get there. There was only one member of the band who had let the fame go to his head—their lead singer, Craig—but he was always a bit of a knob anyway, so it wasn’t much of a surprise. As the drummer, often hidden at the back of the stage, Danny had fewer admirers than the rest of the band, but that wasn’t to say there weren’t a few dedicated groupies just for him!
“Anyway, I think we’re in Cardiff tonight, so I won’t be able to ring you until tomorrow, okay? Oh, hold on…” I could hear his muffled talking, which meant he obviously had his hand over the receiver. I couldn’t help but feel a little annoyed, couldn’t he spare just one moment for me without being dragged back into band stuff? Normally I didn’t mind, and I was really understanding, but today I felt different. Dragging up my past had made me uncomfortable and unsettled, which unfortunately I was taking out on him. “Got to go, babe, we have some promotion party thing to go to. Love ya! Bye.”
“Work is going fine thanks, yeah, I’m good…” I muttered angrily into the dead receiver, slamming the phone down. I loved Danny to bits, but I felt like this was a moment I really needed him to just speak to me and pay me some attention, and I was irrationally angry because he hadn’t gotten my telepathic message about that.
Or maybe I was just looking for an excuse for what I really wanted to do. Maybe I was looking for a reason to stomp back up into that attic and continue looking through my memories. I knew what I was doing was wrong—it certainly felt like deception, at any rate—but I had no intention of stopping. Especially not after that phone call!
It was done, and I needed to know it all now. I wouldn’t be able to rest until I’d uncovered everything. I already knew there was no way I could sleep until I’d gone through all of the secrets hidden away up there, and I was forcing my guilt to subside to get me through that.
Sighing as I sat back down, I flicked through the rest of the photographs in the box. There were literally thousands of us growing up, it was as if our parents couldn’t bear to let a second go by without catching it on camera. Joe’s sister sometimes featured alongside us in the pictures, but she was only an outsider really—everyone else was. No one was invited to our little clique, and that was the way we liked it.
It was all quite causal and sweet to look back on, until in one of the boxes I found my diary. That changed everything. Even the atmosphere in the room changed as I ran my hand over the silky front cover, knowing what lay inside…
I quickly scanned my eyes over the first few pages and the entries that were only bitching about my mum, because I knew that soon enough I started to talk about Joe—really talk about him—and for some reason, I wanted to explore that. I wanted to go back to that awkward time in secondary school when there was an obvious shift in our friendship—not that he seemed to notice, of course!
12th March 2006
Why not me? Why never me?
It was always just me and you, Joe, so why did that have to change?
I miss primary school when you didn’t notice anyone else. Damn it, when did it start to hurt to see you look at other girls?
I gulped down a ball of emotion that lodged firmly in my throat as I read my teen-angst filled words. The feelings of jealousy I felt back then flooded right through me once more, which sent me to the edge of unease.
Seeing Joe with anyone used to drive me crazy with jealousy, to the point where I thought I might go insane. I’d go hot and dizzy, nauseous if he even smiled at another girl. Yet with Danny—a bona fide rock star with gorgeous fans dripping from his shoulders—I didn’t feel bad about that even once. If anything, I was always pleased for him to have women chasing after him. It meant that he’d really made it.
What did that mean?
Did that mean I didn’t love Danny as much as I had Joe? Or that I trusted him more? I wasn’t sure, and it was making my head spin. I stood up, feeling light-headed and very sick, before staggering back down the stairs and into natural light. I couldn’t help bringing the diary with me. Now that I’d read that information, I felt like I needed to know more, to work out how I really felt about my life right now.
I’d always assumed that I was happy, but was that just a trick I was playing on myself to help me move on with my life? To help me get over losing Joe?
Sure, Danny was absolutely gorgeous, and he was lovely too, but did that really make him the man for me? Did that really mean I should marry him? It wasn’t even like he was the man I’d admired from afar anymore because we had a real bond and connection. We were really in love…or so I thought.
Urgh, what the hell was wrong with me?
I padded into the kitchen and grabbed a half drunk bottle of wine, taking a swig without even thinking. My heart was pounding and my mind was reeling, so much so that I felt like I wasn’t even in the room anymore.
In the end, I poured myself a glass of the wine, trying to at least behave normally, before sitting on the bar stool and reading a little bit more, digging in even deeper to the girl I used to be.
18th June 2006
I can’t take it anymore. I can’t.
This is the end of the world for me.
How the hell am I supposed to move on?
21st June 2006
I’m so confused. Now you’re showing me all the attention that you once did, and I don’t know what to think about it. She’s still in the picture, and I can tell she hates me, but when I’m in your sunrays of affection, it doesn’t matter.
It’s when you leave and you’re kissing her that I go into turmoil.
I remembered feeling that way, so passionate and heartbroken that I didn’t even make any sense. That life felt like an unbearable rollercoaster I couldn’t seem to climb off of. I recalled needing to get my feelings out and writing them down as the only way to do that, and now reading over those words once more. It was weird—I was now twenty-three and it was like I’d reverted back to a teenage girl all over again. Everything that I’d learned about life just melted away, and I became an insecure, neurotic puddle all over again.
I sipped the wine, just thinking for a moment, trying to get a calm perspective on things, but instead my brain span back over my memories, dragging me back there once more…