I sensed Joe turning around to face me, so I loosened my arms around his neck a little, my pulse rate bulldozing through my body as I did. My mind was still stuck in the past, my emotions mushed up at the memory of him saying those awful things to me, of him leaving me behind without any explanation, which meant I didn’t know what to do.
“Are…are you…?” I didn’t know what I was trying to say, I just wanted my mouth to form words. “Is everything…?”
Joe didn’t say anything, he simply kept his eyes fixed on mine with a misty-like quality to them. I gulped down, trying desperately to keep my emotions from floating to the surface, as my limbs turned into a jellified mess. A part of me wanted to step back, to analyse this situation from a distance, to work out exactly what was happening, but the biggest part of me didn’t even know how to move.
Something was happening here, and I needed to know what it was.
A loud buzzing sound filled my ears, a cotton-like sensation filled my mouth, I could feel a shiver running up and down my spine. “What…?” Why couldn’t I think of anything to say? What the hell was wrong with me? Even if I brought up all the horrible memories in my brain, it’d be better than me saying absolutely nothing!
“I like you,” Joe whispered, mesmerising me. My eyes zoned in on his moist lips, and I tried to feel…something, but my iced over insides weren’t doing anything. “You know that I like you.”
Oh my God.
He was leaning forwards, I could sense his body curving in towards mine. The ‘something’ that I’d been worrying about before was happening, and I had no idea how to feel about it. If he was coming closer, if his face was nearing mine, then maybe…maybe…oh God, was he about to kiss me?
At the thought of his lips crashing into mine, everything that I’d ever felt for Joe came out all at once. The unrequited lust, the love, the heartbreak, the disappointment…it confused me so much that it actually took me a minute to react, and in that time I felt his mouth brush up against mine for just a split second.
“Wait. Joe, no.” I stepped back from him, holding my palm flat against his chest. “No, this isn’t right.”
“What do you mean?” he exclaimed, the frustration dripping off his tongue. “Why are you so dead against this?”
“It isn’t right…”
As soon as I said those words I realised how accurate they were. None of this was right, I didn’t even know what I was doing anymore. I was using this ill-advised trip down memory lane as a way to escape my real problems. Joe wasn’t my issue any longer, he hadn’t been for many years. He was the one who left my life, he made it quite clear he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, and he’d had years to go back on that choice.
He hadn’t done any of that, I’d reached out to him…again, just like always, this felt like it was on Joe’s terms.
“How can this not be right?” Joe slid his hands in mine. This time as his eyes met mine, I could see a desperate neediness there. “This is me and you, Lotts and Joe. It’s always supposed to have been us, can’t you see that?”
I cocked my head to one side, my chest heating up and swelling with that romantic concept. Who wouldn’t be blown away by the idea of making things work with their childhood sweetheart? Especially with our unique situation, the factors that had torn us apart were intense and unexpected, without them we really could’ve been…
But we weren’t, and there had to be a reason for that.
“No, no, we aren’t.” My eyes welled up as I put the final nail in the coffin of a dream that had always secretly been there, just a little bit. It was extremely difficult to say the words that set my future in stone, but the sensible part of me knew it was the right thing to do. “No, we aren’t meant to be, we can’t be.”
“Just because we got derailed…”
“This is so much more than getting derailed.” I shook my head and moved further away. “You left, you ran away and left me behind. I’ve had a whole life without you. You can’t just rock back into my life and expect me to forget all of that for you. We aren’t eighteen-years-old anymore, we’re adults.”
“Your life can’t be that good.” He stood up to meet me, moving so close that my personal space was definitely being invaded. My breath hitched in my throat, my heart practically stopped beating, time simply stopped ticking. “You work a boring job, your boyfriend cheats on you, that’s why you reached out to me. You wouldn’t have wanted to speak to me again if things were perfect.”
I didn’t like the way his words made me feel. I didn’t enjoy the fact they were potentially more honest than I’d care to admit. Not about everything, he had no idea what my life was like, but I wouldn’t have contacted him if I was totally happy, would I?
“I actually really love my job,” I eventually shot back angrily, my blood bubbling with all kinds of uneasy feelings. “Just because you don’t see it as something important, I do. I love working at the library, I enjoy working with books—it’s awesome—and my students love me. Maybe I’m not taking photographs, but that’s okay. I never really wanted to do that anyway.”
That dream was always way more about Joe than me. Now that I’d ripped the pedestal out from underneath him I could see that so clearly.
“But, you were always so good at it…” His face had fallen, his expression was sagging, all the life deflating out of him. I didn’t want Joe to feel bad, even after all that he’d done to me. That was never my intention, but I had to be clear.
We were done now, there was no coming back from that.
“Just because I was good at it when I was young, doesn’t make it right for me now.”
The meaning was loaded now, I wasn’t just referring to the photography, and that seemed to be just about registering. Just because we’d always worked when we were teens, didn’t mean we could now. We were completely different people, our lives had gone in totally different directions, plus I wasn’t even convinced I wanted to.
To be honest, maybe the hole in my chest had been lack of closure, rather than anything else.
“But…didn’t you feel anything just now? When I kissed you?” His eyes flickered all over my face, he was looking for something, but I really didn’t feel like there was anything for me to express. “I know it was only for a second, but my heart fluttered like mad. It confirmed how much I’ve always wanted to be with you.”
But as he gripped onto my arms, fixing me in place, I was forced to admit I really didn’t. There were no emotions rushing to the surface, I didn’t reminisce, there wasn’t any spark. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t even freak out…I simply felt nothing. I was numb inside, and that spoke volumes.
“Joe.” I gently removed his hands from me and spoke in what I hoped was a tactile manner. “Maybe I loved you once, maybe you did make me feel things, and yes, maybe I did believe that we’d be together forever, but that was a very long time ago. Now, I have someone in my life, someone I love.”
Why was it only just becoming crystal clear to me that what I had with Danny was better than anything with Joe? It might not have been so dramatic, or intense, but it was more powerful and real. With Joe, I was never truly myself; I didn’t speak out when things weren’t right, and I allowed him to run rings around me. I was so wrapped up in puppy love that I let Joe run absolute circles around me. Danny never did that. He was kind, and sweet, and caring…
“What, the guy who cheated on you?” Joe sneered, bringing me back down to the Earth with a thump.
Of course, I’d almost forgotten about that. In all of my excitement to finally move on from Joe I forgot all about my current problems.
“Danny didn’t cheat on me.” I was almost being aggressive with my words, but I just needed him to shut up. “Just because it says so in the media doesn’t make it true. He told me he didn’t do it and I believe him.”
Did I? Was I being honest there? I wasn’t totally sure.
“Okay, so if you believe him, and he didn’t cheat on you, then why isn’t he here?” He folded his arms across his chest and smirked in my direction, only serving to rile my temper up even further. “If it was me, I’d be by your side fighting for you, proving to you I was a good man…”
“Oh would you?” Yep, I was officially yelling. I had no doubt that everyone was looking at us now, but I didn’t care. Let them look, in a way this was my proudest moment. Me finally telling Joe how I really felt was unexpected, but really good. “You’d be by my side, would you? Like you were after school, when you’d been a dick to me for months? You made me fail my exams because I was so upset, but all I did was defend you. Even to myself, I let myself believe that you were hurting and you just needed to get it off your chest. I decided to be your punching bag because I stupidly thought you cared about me.” His face was growing paler with every word, it seemed like I was actually getting through. “Then you vanished, and that was that.”
“I didn’t mean…”
“No, I know you didn’t.” I threw my hands up in the air as exasperation coursed through my veins. “Of course I know that, you were going through the worst time of your whole life. I understand that, I just don’t think there’s any coming back from it.”
I pursed my lips for a second and watched him, wondering if any of my words were sinking in, but his eyes continued to dart over my face as if they were looking for something else. He wasn’t getting the answer he wanted, so he was trying to find them in another way.
Typical Joe, it took all that I had not to visibly roll my eyes at him!
I grabbed hold of my bag and took a small step backwards. There was nothing else to say now, I’d gotten it all off my chest. It was going to be hard to say goodbye to Joe and this side of my life forever, but once the shock wore off, I felt like it’d probably be a weight lifting from my shoulders.
“Don’t go,” he rasped, reaching his hand out to me. “You’ll never be happy, not without me, and especially not with him.”
“You don’t know anything about me anymore.” I narrowed my eyes and kept my tone sharp. I was going to have to be cruel to be kind in this case, it was the only way I could get the message through loud and clear. “You aren’t responsible for my happiness, I am. Whatever I decide to do with regards to Danny is absolutely none of your business.”
I hadn’t made any kind of decision where my future lay, but that didn’t matter right now. I’d laid my past to bed, I’d closed down that chapter.
“But…we can still be friends?” He looked so pathetic with his wet eyes that I almost agreed, just to leave this whole mess on better terms, but in the end I couldn’t. Me and Joe would never be able to be ‘just friends,’ far too much had happened for that.
“I’m sorry,” I told him sadly. “That isn’t possible, this really is goodbye.”
I gave him one last, lingering look, at last getting the farewell I wasn’t given before, then I span rapidly on my heels and I stalked out of there without looking back.