‘I am going to kill you,’ Ella said, pushing Issey’s bedroom door open.
She’d woken up with Nick and had breakfast with Nick and walked as far as she could with Nick until he had to go up the hill to work and Ella had to go down the hill to home. They’d stood on the corner kissing until Nick had realised he had five minutes to do a fifteen-minute journey and had run off, his black coat flying behind him.
Issey was leaning back against her headboard, her laptop on her knees. Her curtains were still closed, but the window was obviously open – Ella could feel the breeze and the fabric was fluttering.
‘Seriously, Iz! What the fuck?’
Issey rubbed one hand over her face.
‘Are you crying?’ Ella said, frowning.
‘No,’ Issey said, rubbing her face again. ‘Just tired. Couldn’t sleep last night.’
‘Guilty conscience?’ Ella knocked the end of Issey’s bed with her knees.
‘I’m really sorry, El,’ Issey said. ‘I didn’t think.’
Ella shook her head. ‘I don’t believe you. I love you, you know I do. But this is classic Issey. Act first and think later. I just … I’ve spent almost two years hiding this and you just casually fuck it all up.’
‘Is it that big a deal though?’ Issey said, leaning forward on the bed. ‘I mean … why does it matter if people know?’
‘That’s not up to you though, is it? I mean, that’s not your decision to make. And you know that. So it wasn’t OK for you to, like, out me.’
‘Oh, come on!’ Issey said, dropping back against the pillows again and throwing her hands up. ‘Don’t be so dramatic. It’s nothing like being outed. I mean –’ Her voice cracked.
‘I don’t mean outed like that,’ Ella said. ‘Of course it’s not like being outed like that. But you knew I didn’t want people to know. And you told them anyway.’
Issey had both hands over her face and she rubbed them back through her hair. ‘Yeah,’ she breathed. ‘Yeah. You’re right. I’m sorry. I just … I got overexcited. I didn’t think about how it would affect you. You know I’m a big fan. And I’ve posted stuff about him on there before. So I just, like, couldn’t resist. I’m sorry.’
‘Thank you,’ Ella said. ‘Are you OK?’
Issey shook her head. ‘Not really. There’s some stuff I need to sort out, deal with, I dunno. Doesn’t matter now. Do you forgive me?’
Ella blew out a breath. ‘You’re not the only one who’s got shit going on, you know? I’ve got house stuff to deal with, I have to pay all the bills, the kitchen’s always a shit tip, Dylan turned up and then Nick. There’s just … The world doesn’t revolve around you.’
‘I know,’ Issey said.
‘And what’s going on with you and Li? You’re both being weird.’
‘Yeah. I don’t know. It’s all got a bit fucked up and I don’t know –’
Ella’s phone rang.
‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘It’s my mum. I’d better get it.’
‘Hey,’ Ella said into her phone. ‘How’s things?’
Issey tapped open her Instagram and stared at the photo of Dylan. She should delete it. But Ella hadn’t asked her to, so …
‘Oh,’ Ella said, next to her. ‘Oh no.’
‘What’s happened?’ Issey said.
Ella’s shoulders were shaking. ‘Oh no,’ she said again. ‘Mum.’
Issey draped herself over Ella’s back and squeezed her with both arms.
‘You don’t need to come,’ Ella told Lou, who was trying to make her sit down and drink the tea she’d made her. ‘I’ll be fine. It’s only, like, just over an hour on the train.’
‘Do you actively not want me to come?’ Lou asked, taking Ella’s favourite hoodie out of the drawer and dropping it next to the weekend bag Ella was stuffing with anything she could get her hands on. ‘Or are you worried about inconveniencing me or whatever?’
‘We’ve got exams. And you’ve got work. And uni. And counselling. When are you seeing the Dean?’
‘Never fucking mind that,’ Lou said. ‘It doesn’t matter now. Do you want me to come?’
Ella shook her head and then pushed her hair back with one shaking hand. ‘I don’t want to go home on my own. But I know I’ll be fine when I get there. I mean, I think I will. God.’ She sat down heavily on the bed. ‘You should’ve heard her. My mum. She could hardly speak.’
‘I’ll come,’ Lou said, sitting down next to her and curling an arm around Ella’s shoulders. ‘I’ll come, don’t worry.’
Ella snuffled against Lou’s shoulder. ‘You know what my first thought was? Once I realised what she was telling me? It was “I need to get away”. Who the fuck does that? Like, I should’ve wanted to go straight to her. To …’ Ella swallowed. She hadn’t been able to say Arthur’s name yet. She’d tried to tell Issey, but had only managed ‘my step—’ before she’d been crying too much to speak.
‘You’re too hard on yourself,’ Lou said. ‘I think it’s completely understandable to want to run away. This shit is hard! You think I didn’t want to run away from the Kyle situation? I thought about a new identity and everything. And what you’re going through is so much worse. I can’t even imagine.’
Ella sniffed. ‘I bet Dylan didn’t want to run away.’
‘Well, Dylan is an actual angel,’ Lou said, kissing the top of Ella’s head. ‘Also, he already ran away once. And he ran towards you.’
‘Yeah,’ Ella said. ‘I love him.’
‘We all love him,’ Lou said.
Ella laughed, snottily. ‘God. He’s going to be heartbroken.’
Lou squeezed her friend. ‘And you’ll take care of each other. And you’ll both take care of your mum. And I can hide out in your room or make tea or endless toast or get you all hammered, dye your hair, whatever you want.’
‘I don’t think you should dye anyone’s hair.’
‘OK,’ Lou said, kissing her again. ‘Will you be OK if I go and pack a bag?’
Ella nodded. ‘Maybe … can you ask Issey or Liane to come in?’
They both went in and sat either side of Ella while she cried and tried to think what she needed to take with her.
‘I can’t find my laptop,’ she said.
‘I think Paige might have it,’ Liane said. ‘I can go and ask –’
‘No,’ Ella said. ‘It’s OK. Is she at work?’
‘She’s always at work,’ Issey said.
‘I know.’ Ella stood up and started zipping the various pockets on her weekend bag. ‘I was going to talk to her about it. I’m worried about her.’
She stopped zipping and let her head hang down, a tear dropping off the end of her nose.
‘Oh, El,’ Liane said, sliding her arms around Ella’s waist. Issey cuddled her from the other side.
‘All packed!’ Lou said, walking in. She dropped her bag and draped herself over the other three girls.
‘Let us know when the funeral is,’ Liane said, kissing Ella’s temple.
‘You don’t have to come,’ Ella said.
‘Of course we’re coming,’ Issey said into Ella’s hair.