‘I’m glad it’s raining,’ Ella said.
The five of them were standing outside the church, underneath a shelter. Water ran off the corners and splashed onto the ground at their feet. Ella’s legs were already soaked to the knee, from walking from the car to the church in the first place.
‘It would’ve been weird if it had been sunny,’ she continued. ‘This way it feels like the sky’s crying too. Fuck.’ She clamped a hand over her mouth, glancing back over her shoulder at the church. ‘Sorry. That was such a ridiculous thing to say.’
‘It’s OK,’ Lou said. ‘We’re going to get struck down now anyway. Who says “fuck” in a church?’
Ella snorted. ‘God. I think I’m hysterical.’
Her mum and Dylan were inside saying bye and thank you to everyone, but Ella had had to escape. She kept wanting to laugh. It was awful.
‘Have you got cigs?’ she asked Lou.
‘Wow, we’re really rebelling today, aren’t we? What’s next? Want me to find a young vicar for you to ravish?’
‘I can ravish Nick later,’ Ella said, her shoulders instantly relaxing at the thought of him.
‘He texted me,’ Lou said. ‘I’d show you but I don’t want to drown my phone. He said to look after you. He’s gutted not to be here.’
‘I know,’ Ella said. ‘But he’s going to be here later. And you’re all here now.’
Issey leaned against her and Ella looked past her at Liane and Paige.
‘I’ve thanked you for coming, right?’
‘About a hundred times,’ Paige said, half smiling.
‘Sorry. It does make it easier, having you here.’
‘Of course we’d be here,’ Liane said. ‘Where else would we be?’
Ella laughed and it turned into a sob.
‘I keep remembering things to tell him. Like about today. That it was raining. That Alan from the pub came but Phil from golf didn’t. And every single time I have to remember that I won’t be able to. When’s it going to stop happening?’
‘It’ll happen for a while, I think,’ Lou said.
‘Have you got cigs?’ Ella asked again.
‘Seriously?’
‘Unless you’ve got, like, a hip flask.’
‘I have not got a hip flask,’ Lou said, taking out a pack of Marlboro and a lighter. ‘Want to go somewhere else?’
‘Nah. I’m an adult. Allegedly. And if my mum comes out I’ll say you made me do it.’
‘Can you believe how long we were in there for?’ Dylan said, coming outside and standing directly in front of Ella.
His cheeks were flushed, eyes bright. He reached out and took the cigarette out of Ella’s hand and put it between his lips.
‘I started to think they were going round the back and coming through again!’ he said around the cig.
‘Like a clown car,’ Paige said.
Dylan barked out a laugh. ‘Exactly that, yeah.’
‘Are you OK?’ Ella asked him.
‘Fuck no,’ he said, and then glanced over at the door of the church just as Ella had. ‘I feel awful. But, you know, we get to go and get drunk now.’
‘How’s Mum?’ Ella asked. She felt terrible for abandoning her, but she was so sad that Ella felt overwhelmed with it. She had to keep running away from her.
‘That woman,’ Dylan said, pointing over his shoulder with his thumb. ‘Big hat?’
The girls nodded.
‘She said, “So you’re the popstar” and then when I said yes, she said, “It doesn’t mean anything, you know? And I hope you’re investing wisely.”’
‘What?’ Ella said. She had an irrational urge to go and push the woman into a puddle. Even though she looked about ninety.
‘Who is she?’ Lou asked.
‘Dunno,’ Dylan shrugged. ‘Probably didn’t even know him. Grief tourist or something.’
‘I don’t think that’s a thing,’ Ella said.
‘Maybe she just fancies a free buffet? Anyway. Keep away from her. She’s mean.’
Dylan took another drag of the cigarette and held it out to Ella. She shook her head. Dylan dropped it to the ground and stubbed it out with his shoe.
‘Where’s Mum now?’ Ella asked him.
‘Talking to the vicar.’
‘Is he hot?’ Issey said.
Ella snorted. Dylan looked horrified. ‘God, no.’ He looked from Lou to Paige, via Ella, Issey and Liane and then said, ‘Wait. Is there a vicar on your list?’
‘Oh my god, Dyl, no!’ Ella said, closing her eyes.
‘There should be,’ Lou said, bumping her with her shoulder.
‘Mum’s coming out,’ Dylan said, flicking the cigarette butt away with the toe of his shoe.
Lou squeezed Ella quickly and then held back as Ella walked ahead to join her mum and brother in the car back to their house.
‘She’ll be OK,’ Dylan told Ella, his mouth right up against her ear.
They’d been home for a couple of hours and pretty much everyone was well on the way to being hammered.
For the first half hour their mum had fussed around everyone, fiddling with the buffet, topping up drinks, but now she was in the garden with her friend Cheryl, and Ella could hear them screeching with laughter.
Ella nodded. Her mum had good friends. She didn’t need to worry as much as she did. She finished her wine. She’d told herself it was the last one she was going to have, but when Dylan held out the bottle, she let him fill her up again.
‘Hey,’ she heard from behind her and she was already crying as she turned.
Nick wrapped his arms around her and Ella felt Dylan take the wine glass out of her hand.
‘Can we go upstairs?’ Ella said against Nick’s neck. ‘To my room.’
‘Course, babe,’ he said.
She half pushed him out of the room and stopped in the hallway to kiss him.
‘I’m so glad you’re here.’
He stroked her hair away from her face. ‘I’m sorry I’m so late. I wish I could’ve –’
Ella shook her head. ‘It doesn’t matter. The girls were here. You’re here now. Come on.’
He followed her upstairs to her room and she sat down on the edge of her bed.
‘Are you all right?’ he said, shaking his coat off and hanging it over the back of her office chair.
‘No,’ she said. ‘But I will be. Come and lie down.’
She swung her legs up on the bed and shuffled up until her head was on the pillow. Nick lay next to her, his hand on her waist.
‘I’m so glad you’re here,’ she said again.
Nick kissed her. ‘Me too.’
Ella shuffled closer until her whole body was pressed up along Nick’s side. And then she fell asleep.