Chapter Thirty-One

~McKenna~

Cleaning Rafael’s face and tending his wounds gave me peace, which I desperately needed considering the day I had. But soon, no matter how much time I took, all the blood was gone and I had every cut sanitized and bandaged and every bruise lightly covered with vitamin K cream, leaving me with nothing to distract myself.

“Let me go grab you a drink and get you some anti-inflammatories,” I said, ruffing my fingers through his thick hair.

The touch was surprisingly intimate considering all we had done together. I trusted Rafael more than any other person on this Earth, and I couldn’t believe that I had once thought him a threat to my livelihood. But I was just reminded of what in my bag had set my ex off and I could feel myself growing nauseous again.

I tried to shove that thought away. No use telling Rafael if it turned out to be a false alarm, right? But was that lying? Or at least an omission of truth? It was my fault that I had been a complete moron and let my implant go on too long, and I couldn’t blame him if he was furious with me.

I could handle the anger though. What I was worried about was that he would think that it was purposeful. That I was trying to trap him with a child like his ex. I didn’t want that at all! I wasn’t ready for a child! Not in the least. I had just been brave enough to finally stand up to the man who had been making my life a living hell for the past seven years, I still had a long way to go before I was ready to start a family.

I turned to go, the intense stare between us proving to be too much, but before I could leave Rafael caught my hand and pulled me to him.

“Yes?” I asked, laughing lightly like I didn’t have a million and one things on my mind.

“I don’t think it’s safe for you to live here,” he said, surprising me with the sudden topic shift. I had expected him to say something funny, or romantic, not an insult for my place of living.

“But Bradley is in custody, and I’m going to renew that retraining order on him and be faithful about calling in violations.” I retorted. I didn’t really want to get into finances with Rafael. Although I was finally back o my feet, that didn’t mean that I could afford moving costs plus a security deposit and everything else that came along with that.

“I know. But I just-” he stopped and took a deep breath, as if he was trying to more carefully compose what he was trying to say. “It’s not just Bradley. It’s the mold, and the lighting, and the commute, and for God’s sake, McKenna, your bed is a mattress on the floor!” I opened my mouth to object, but before I could, he was standing, both of my small hands clasped within his large ones. “McKenna, you deserve to live so much better than this, so please, move in with Dom and I.”

Someone could have told me that Martians had landed and were going to wipe out all of Washington DC and I would have believed that before I believed what was happening in front of my face. I stared up at Rafael, my eyes so wide that I was sure I was straining something. Noises were coming out of my mouth, but none of them were discernable speech.

Finally, I swallowed and managed to say a real, word in actual English.

“What?!”

To his credit, Rafael persisted. “I want you to move in. I want you to share my bed every day. I want to wake up with you beside me. I want to go to work knowing that you’re sleeping somewhere safe and sound. I want you to have a bed in a bedframe.” His words were so passionate, so kind, that I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed. How could this man care so much for me? We had known each other for less than a year and I hadn’t exactly started out on the best foot.

“I-I-” But the kindness only brought more guilt. How could I not tell him what was going on with me? He deserved the truth, even if it ruined the best thing that I ever had.

But the way he was looking at me, with such kindness and desire, how could I give that up? I finally had peace. Did I really deserve to lose my happily ever after because of a stupid, stupid mistake?!

“You don’t have to make the decision today, and I’m sorry for springing this on you, it’s probably not fair, but I need you to know that you don’t have to be here. There are other options.” He paused and took another deep breath. I had to admire that he was putting himself so far out there. “And if you decide not to, that’s fine. This is not a relationship make or break. But I am ready to take our relationship to the next level, so to speak.

“I’ve never felt this way about anyone else, and Dominic absolutely loves you. He talks about you all the time and always looks forward to when you come over. He would be absolutely beside himself if you decided to move in.”

It was too much, it was all too much. His generosity overwhelmed me and before I knew it, teams were rushing down my cheeks.

Obviously, Rafael hadn’t been expecting that kind of response and tried to pull me to him for a comforting hug, but I had to step away. I was taking such advantage of his kindness, and the guilt was making me sob outright.

“Whoa, whoa there, McKenna, are you okay?” His was looking at me like I was crazy and honestly, I felt that way My brain was going a hundred miles a minute. “It’s fine, you don’t have to move in. It’s alright, really.”

“I-it’s not that,” I hiccupped, trying to catch my breath. But it was so hard. Between the tears and the wheezing and my throat burning, I hardly felt like I could breathe, let alone respond in a comprehensible way. “I just, I just-”

“You what?” Rafael asked, his voice low and gentle. He tried to hold me once again, and this time I didn’t pull away. Instead I collapsed against his chest, crying my heart out.

I felt so embarrassed, but I couldn’t stop. The stress of everything that had happened was all too much and the straw had finally broken the camels back. But Rafael just held me, waiting for me to collect myself, until finally I was able to speak.

“Rafael…” I murmured, mustering my strength. I had been through much worse than this. Why was I acting like such a baby?

I knew why though. I was afraid of losing him. Afraid of losing the best thing that happened to me.

“What, babe?”

“Check the bag I brought in. From the corner store. The one that my ex threw on the ground.”

He sent me a confused look, but did as I asked, leaving the bathroom to walk to my tiny kitchen. I listened to him without turning, able to pick up his footsteps as he crossed my studio floor.

I heard everything, all layered on top of each other in an auditory story. The rustle of the bag, the thud as he picked up one item after another then set it to the side. Until finally, the noises stopped and there was only him breathing.

He found it.

I couldn’t say how long that silence lasted, but to me it seemed like an eon. I was sure that he would just leave, or maybe even start yelling, but instead, he just quietly walked back until he was standing in the bathroom doorway.

“Is this what you mean?”

I turned slowly, drawing out the action much longer than could ever be necessary. Sure enough, he was holding the pink, square package that I was easily able to identify as the pregnancy test.

“Yes,” I whispered, using all of my strength to look him in the face.

“You’re expecting?” He seemed completely shocked, as if I had given him such an emotional whiplash that he was still recovering from the surprise.

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “That’s why I need the test. But I think I could be.”

“You’re late?”

I nodded. “Yeah. And nauseous. And… emotional, frankly. So, I thought it would be prudent to be certain. Who would have thought that today out of all days, Bradley would be here and see it.”

“That’s why he flipped out?” Rafael asked.

“Yeah. Although I imagined he would have found something else to freak out about if it weren’t for that. He came looking for conflict.”

Rafael looked from me to the test again before handing it to me. “Will you take this now, please?”

Well… so far, he was taking this better than I thought he would. He didn’t seem angry, but he wasn’t exactly thrilled either.

“Oh, of course, I guess.” I reached out for it and he gently placed it in my hand. I tried to read his emotion in his face, but all I could see was the shock still stark across his features.

He took a step back and shut the door, leaving me standing in the middle of my bathroom feeling absolutely trapped by my situation.

I supposed there was only one way to move out of it, and that was to take the test.

“Do you need anything?” Rafael asked outside of the door.

I took several moments to just breathe before answering. Like usual, Rafael was patient and waited for me to answer rather than prodding me relentlessly. “I…I think I left my phone out there. Can you set the timer for me once I’m ready?”

“Sure. Just give me the word.”

Right. The word. Guessed I better get to peeing.

I opened the package and slid out one of the little plastic baggies. Pulling the tab out of that, the whole little device popped out and I barely caught it before it hit the ground. Even though I was pretty sure how to use the simple things, I grabbed the directions and read those too.

They were surprisingly lengthy considering the summation of them was pretty much “pee on this stick and wait three minutes. Discuss with your doctor to be absolute sure”. But I read it all dutifully.

“You okay in there?” Rafael called, no doubt wondering why he wasn’t hearing anything.

“Yeah, just making sure I don’t mess this up,” I called back.

I supposed I should stop procrastinating and get it over with. I had survived worst and no matter what happened, I would get through this.

I sat down on the toilet -after liftin the seat of course- and got down to business. I finished up without making too much of a mess and placed the test on the side of the sink.

“Start the timer,” I said to Rafael, who I assumed was still waiting on the other side.

Then I sat and waited. And waited. And waited.

It seemed like an eternity before Rafael cleared his throat and spoke again.

“It’s time.”

Hand shaking, I reached for the stick, which of course had rolled just enough so that I couldn’t see the results window on the stupid little thing. I picked it up, trying to suck in a breath before I finally turned it so I could see whether there was a little line or a fateful cross.

How strange that my whole life came down to just a couple of lines. Smirking wryly to myself, I forced myself to flip it, and looked right at the results.

Then promptly burst into tears again.