My call to Tao went to voicemail, and in a fit of borderline desperation, I threw my cell down on the bed and dropped down next to it. Grabbing my pillow, I buried my face in it and started to cry.

...you suck cock better than any woman I’ve ever been with.

I wasn't an idiot. I knew what a comment like that meant, how it defined what I meant to him. Sex. I gave him physical pleasure because I was skilled at oral sex. That's what I meant to him.

If I'd only wanted a fuck, I would've stuck with Tao. At least, with him, I always knew where I stood, and I knew that he loved me. It wasn't romantic love, but Tao would never pretend what we had was anything other than what it was. My feelings, who I was as a person, mattered to him.

…you’re still not out of my system.

I rolled onto my side, hugging the pillow to my chest, as if it could somehow ease the pain in my heart. I'd put myself out there, trusted that when he said I was the only woman he was thinking of, it meant something. Or, rather, that it meant the same thing to him that it did to me.

Once again, that was my mistake. I'd put us on the same level, assumed that our social differences were simply material. I'd let myself forget the most basic lesson I'd learned when it came to rich men like my father, like Jal. They never thought about women like me as anything more than a body to use for their pleasure. Even when they were giving pleasure, it was still all about them, about their prowess as a lover.

Jal's words had reminded me of what I was to him, and I hated myself for forgetting.

The night played over in my head, a video on repeat. My chest started to ache, the pain building and building until I could barely breathe.

I’d knelt in front of him like some naïve little fool, spinning daydreams and fantasies while he’d been mentally comparing me to all the other women he’d fucked, rating my skills. He'd asked if I trusted him, but I could see now he meant it only in the physical sense. I'd been an idiot to think any different.

It was my own fault. He’d taken me out to dinner, and he’d offered a night of sex. He'd made it clear that it hadn't been expected, that it was my choice. It was my own damn fault for seeing it as something more than what it was.

The knowledge, however, didn't stop the pain or the tears, and after a while, I stopped fighting them.

I lost track of the time.

And eventually, I lost track of consciousness, sliding off into sleep and losing my misery to the darkness.

* * *

Morning came too early, and my head was killing me as I woke. Curled onto my side, I stared dully at the window. Maybe I could call in dead since that was how I felt. I didn’t want to do anything except lie here and be miserable for a day...or three. Of course, that wasn't an option. I had responsibilities that didn't allow for self-indulgence.

TJ wasn’t awake yet. I’d woken up a good hour earlier than normal, but I knew there wouldn’t be any going back to sleep, and if I just laid in bed, I'd start thinking again, and that was the last thing I needed to do.

Sighing, I sat up and swung my legs over the edge of the bed and knocked something to the floor. My phone. I scowled as I picked it up. Several notifications popped up. Messages from Tao and the last one had come in less than ten minutes ago.

Relief flooded me. He was awake.

I sent him a text, asking if he could come to the house and walk with me while I dropped TJ off. My shift didn't start until ten so we could get some breakfast, and I could talk.

His response popped up less than a minute after I’d sent the text.

Sure thing, gorgeous.

At least I had one man in my life I could count on. Okay, technically I had Tyson. He was a good step-father, but it wasn't the same thing.

I took longer in the shower than I usually did, letting the white noise of the water drown out the chaos in my head. Unfortunately, it was still waiting the moment I stepped onto the bathmat. Thoughts of his touch, the way he'd felt inside me, all the things I thought I meant to him. The pain that came with the realization that I didn't.

I muttered a curse under my breath. I couldn’t let him do this to me.

Jal Lindstrom was bad for my sanity, bad for my soul. Bad for me.

I had feelings for him. There was no denying that, no going back to before. I could only move forward. I needed to get past it, move on with my life. My real life, the one where people had to work for a living and rarely had the money to spend on frivolous things. The world where the best I could hope for was a friends-with-benefits relationship with my best friend. The life that revolved around taking care of everyone around me, and ignoring the things I wanted, because that's what I was supposed to do.

I’d let myself get too twisted up about him time and again, and each time, all I got was hurt. I was tired of being burned by people who said they cared about me. I knew the four people who truly loved me, and they were all that mattered. I didn't need anyone else. I was done with all of the rest.

I was at the window waiting for Tao, still working on boxing up my feelings for Jal, when a strange car pulled up in front of the house. Tao popped out of passenger's seat but didn't come up to the house immediately. Instead, he waited as a guy climbed out of the driver’s seat and walked around. They appeared to be finishing up some sort of conversation.

Tao smiled, and then the guy hooked his fingers in Tao's belt loops and yanked Tao toward him. Their kiss wasn't the quick peck between friends. This was a long, deep kiss that said the two of them were parting after what had most likely been a great night.

After a couple of minutes, they separated, and I stood so I could greet Tao when he came in. Unfortunately, he stepped inside just as my little brother came crashing down the stairs, sounding like a herd of elephants.

Tao came up short at the sight of me, and his mouth tightened.

“Not right now,” I warned him as TJ threw his arms around Tao's lean body. With TJ's back to me, no one but Tao knew what I said.

TJ's hands were already moving when he took a step back, the brisk, harsh movements clearly saying that he wasn't happy. “Where have you been? You haven’t come around much lately.”

Tao laughed and responded, talking as he signed, “Busy, kid. School, work, dates.”

“Girl or boy?”

“Both.” Tao winked. “You know me. I don’t like to restrict myself.”

TJ rolled his eyes, then asked, “Are the girls pretty?”

I smacked him in the back of the head. He grunted and looked back at Tao.

“Well?”

Tao slid me a look, his expression sobering. “There’s more to a woman than looks, TJ. But of course…she’s a knockout. Sadly, though…that’s all she had to offer.”

I arched a brow at him and nudged TJ. “Get your stuff ready.”

As he turned away, Tao told me, “I’ll tell you later.”

It looked like we both had things we needed to discuss.

* * *

He went first.

“So let me get this straight. You’ve been out with this chick twice – and by the way, I'm a little pissed I'm only hearing about her now. So after two dates, she thinks she can decide you two are serious enough that she wants you to stay away from men, not even check them out, because she’s not comfortable with it.” I shot him a look. “Did I get that right?”

Tao grimaced. “In a nutshell. Look, it’s some girl I know through work. We haven’t even really been out twice. We had lunch together one day, and we all know that's not a real date.” He rolled his eyes theatrically. “Then she asked me out to a movie. Hell, she’s gorgeous. How was I supposed to know she’d start laying out the rules five minutes later?”

“Sounds like you got a stalker.”

He shuddered. “Don’t joke.”

“I’m not.” Sliding him a look, I added, “Be careful.”

Not that I was in any position to be telling other people the best way to handle their romantic entanglements. I'd proven more than once over the last couple weeks that my own judgment sucked when it came to the heart.

Up ahead, TJ jammed the button for the crosswalk. While we waited, Tao hooked his arm through mine. I leaned my head on his shoulder, thankful for his familiar presence. I didn't even want to think about what I would do when he finally found the love of his life. Or loves, since he did tend to lean toward the polyamorous way of the heart.

“She might've been a mistake, but last night? Much better. Honey, this guy…” Tao gave me the dirtiest look his sapphire blue eyes could manage. “You’d want to be a gay man if you knew what he could do. Or at least a bisexual man, like myself.”

“I’ll take your word for it.” Amused, I eyed him a little more closely. “So you had a good time?”

“Yeah.” He smiled. “I did. He’s easy on the eyes, but…” Tao shrugged. “It was more than that. For once.”

“Good.” I was happy for him, but seeing how happy he was made me a little sad.

We were nearing the school, and I walked faster to catch up to my brother. I didn’t want to talk about the whole Jal thing until Tao and I were alone. I tried to keep TJ from seeing any negativity in my life, and this was definitely negative. As if he sensed what I was thinking, Tao changed the subject and started teasing TJ about the girls in school, firing off a hundred questions that I barely tried to keep up with.

By the time we got to school, I’d settled my thoughts and was able to face my brother with an easy smile.