I needed to buy new shoes. My hamstrings were killing me. Working on my feet all day was a real bitch.

The good news was that today had been completely and utterly miserable, with everyone in such bad moods it kept me from thinking too much about Jal. Now, all I wanted to do was take a long hot bath and go to bed.

But Mom had book club later tonight, and I needed to get dinner together if any of us wanted to eat before the meeting.

When I heard her footsteps on the kitchen floor, I glanced over my shoulder and smiled at her, but I turned back to what I was doing in the hopes that she'd be too busy thinking about book club to talk.

No such luck. As I began to dump the vegetables into a bowl to rinse them off, she joined me.

“How was your date?”

She nudged me out of the way so I could respond, taking over the small task. Trying to buy time, I grabbed my bottle of water and drained half of it.

Finally, knowing I couldn’t avoid it forever, I answered, “It doesn’t matter. It’s not going to work out anyway. I won’t be seeing him again.”

I couldn't bring myself to say the words out loud.

While she finished with the vegetables, I got an iron skillet down and oiled it, putting it on medium heat before turning to dig out some garlic from the fridge. The rice was already cooking. Once I had the meat sizzling along with the garlic, I turned to get the vegetables. Mom had already mixed up some soy sauce and orange juice to toss in once the meat and veggies were done.

She was waiting for me to meet her gaze, and now that I had a brief lull, I couldn’t avoid it.

“What happened?”

“I…nothing happened.” With a half-hearted shrug, I forced myself to speak while I signed, “I just saw the light – saw reality. It won’t work. You were right. We’re too different. A guy like him won’t ever be happy with a girl like me.”

Please, I thought desperately. Just take that and let it go.

But I knew she wouldn’t, and I tried to steady myself. I didn’t want to cry over this anymore, and I definitely didn't want to cry in front of my mom. Not about this.

Mom touched my shoulder. When I didn’t look at her, she asked, “What aren’t you telling me, Allie?”

All kinds of things, I thought hysterically. “Nothing, Mama. I’m fine.” The smile I gave her felt hysterical and wild, more than a little sharp around the edges.

Her dark eyes narrowed. “Don't give me that.”

I eased away to get some distance between us. “What do you want me to say?”

I saw the flash of triumph cross her face and knew I'd confirmed for her that something was wrong.

Mom pursed her lips, pulling them slightly to the right as she studied me. “What do I want you to say? How about you tell me the truth? Or if you don’t want to talk, tell me that, but don’t lie to me or say it doesn’t matter when it clearly does.”

The ache inside me grew, expanding until it seemed that I no longer existed. I was just that ache, nothing but pain and sadness. Tilting my head back, I stared at the ceiling to try to keep the tears out of my eyes.

Why was I trying to hide this from her anyway?

She’d been right. She'd warned me about men like my father, men like Jal. And I didn't learn.

Maybe that was part of why I didn’t want to talk about it.

“You were right, Mama.” I signed. “Things between him and Paisley are over, but that doesn’t mean I stand a chance with him.”

I didn’t want to explain about Paisley and the baby that never existed. Her scheming hadn’t surprised me, but it had nothing to do with what was between Jal and me. Or rather what wasn’t.

He wanted me, but that’s all it was.

My mother’s face softened, and she took a step toward me. I held out a hand and shook my head, offering a weak smile. “It’s okay. I’m fine. Like I said, it doesn’t matter. You need me here anyway.”

If I’d hoped to end the discussion, I should have tried something else.

“Don’t,” she told me, signing the single word slowly and deliberately.

When I didn’t respond, she gave me that look mothers must learn instinctively when they give birth.

“Don’t even try that route, Allie. Am I helpless? Is Tyson? TJ, when his head isn’t up in the clouds, I wouldn’t call him helpless either.”

“Mama, I didn’t mean that–”

“Oh, I know what you meant,” she snapped, cutting me off. “You're using us as an excuse. If you trap yourself here, you’re safe. You tell yourself that it keeps you safe. But it's all you, sweetie. We've never held you back. You stay here because you want to, because you want to hide.”

My spine stiffened, and heat flooded my face. “That’s not true,” I said defensively.

“The hell it isn’t,” she spoke her words as she signed them, as if she wanted to make sure there were absolutely no misunderstandings. “You are so afraid of being rejected again, you prefer to just stay here where it’s nice and safe.”

“You don’t…that’s bullshit, Mom.”

“Is it?” She smirked. “You would know bullshit as well as anybody. You are spouting it to me right now. Don’t tell me that this is about us.”

She sighed then and looked away, wrapping her arms around her middle. After a moment, she looked back at me, and her face was sad. “I know you love us, and I know you want to be here for us, but sweetheart, I took care of you for a long time all by myself. I’m perfectly capable of being TJ’s mom…and it’s a little insulting that you’d think otherwise.”

“Mom, that’s not what I meant,” I said, shame and regret filling me.

She reached out and squeezed my hand. “I know.”

But it didn’t make me feel any better. I knew that a part of it was the way society behaved, always choosing to go through a hearing person whenever possible, treating the deaf like they didn't understand anything. It was too easy to fall into that role, too easy to simply be the voice instead of making other people work for communication. I should have stepped back, forced people to stop being ignorant about my family.

“This is your home, Allie. You'll always have a place here. But you aren’t going to hide behind us.” She brushed my hair back. “You’ve held yourself back from life for too long already, baby.”

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“Don’t apologize to me. You love us, and I know that. But if you want to apologize, then apologize to yourself. You’re the one holding back on yourself.” She gave my hand a squeeze. “Baby…what do you want?”

I gave her a puzzled look.

“Maybe I made a mistake, giving you advice about this man.” Then she scowled. “Of course, him being engaged…”

“That’s over.”

“I know you said they ended it.”

Nodding, I looked away.

“Is he what you want?” Eyes narrowed, she pushed on. “And do you want him because of who he is or because he loved your sister?”

“He never loved her,” I said automatically. Realizing my mom wouldn’t understand unless I explained, I quickly told her about the fake pregnancy in as few details as possible.

Mom's eyes widened, then narrowed again. Anger twisted her features as she signed, “That girl. I swear, I never knew a girl who needed a mother as bad as she.”

“She has one,” I said.

“No.” Still looking disgruntled, Mom said, “She has a creator who self-indulgently shaped her into a mirror image of herself, never giving her limits, structure, or discipline. Paisley has no idea what a real mother is – or a father for that matter. Kendrick screwed up with all of his kids.”

For the first time in my life, I realized that my half-sisters might not have had the fairytale relationship with our father that I always thought they had.

With a shake of her head, she continued, “I have to say this. It sounds like this Jal is a decent enough boy.” After a few more moments of quiet, she went on, “Allie, do you want him for the right reasons?”

Heart aching, I looked away for a long moment, and then turned back to her. I couldn't lie anymore.

“Yes.”

She smiled. “Then go get him.”