Three loud bangs sounded on my front door. I glanced at the clock that hung just next to the fireplace mantel. It was a little after noon, and I was certainly not expecting any company today.

I had been busy looking for a job in the newspaper classifieds. There weren’t a whole lot of options in the area. If I was really desperate, I could always apply to be a dishwasher at one of the restaurants in town.

The very idea of it made me want to curl up into a tiny little ball and die. I stood up from the table and went to the door, opening it a crack.

Jacob shoved his way inside. He wrapped his arms around my neck, kissing me hard. I snaked my arms around his waist and pulled him close. It surprised me how easy it was to relax around him.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, burying his head into the crook of my neck as he hugged me tight. “About your family?”

I shook my head. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Danny, please. I do worry about it.”

I sighed. It was clear to me that Jacob wasn’t about to let it go. “Tell you what,” I started, “let’s go for a ride together.”

Jacob stiffened a bit, pulling back. “Like, on a horse?”

“Yes, on a horse,” I laughed. It felt forced, nervous, but it was the only thing I could think to do.

“I don’t know,” he mumbled nervously. “I don’t know if I’m ready.”

“Come on a ride with me, and I’ll tell you everything.”

Jacob worried his bottom lip with his teeth as he contemplated his options. There was a burning fire in his eyes, a curiosity that needed to be satiated. Finally, he punched me playfully in the arm. “You’re such an asshole,” he grumbled.

I grinned. “Is that a yes?”

“Fine, fine. I’ll go on a ride with you. Jerk.”

I kissed him on the forehead before reaching for one of his hands. I laced my fingers between his, grabbing my coat and hat from the rack before leading him back outside.

I saddled Maybelle, then led her out of the shed to where Jacob waited. Mounting, I looked down at him; he was nervously picking at his nails. I extended a hand, which he took cautiously. “I swear to God, Danny, if I fall–-”

“You won’t fall,” I assured him. “I won’t let that happen.”

Jacob allowed me to help pull him up behind me. He sat a little stiff, his hands holding onto my waist for support. Clicking my tongue, I flicked the reins to get Maybelle started at an easy pace.

I guided her towards the trail, knowing that the warm weather today would be perfect for a short ride through the hills. Jacob remained quiet, offering me plenty of time to gather my thoughts as we rode along the dirt path, surrounded on either side by trees.

“It all started when I was fifteen,” I began slowly. “Roughly three years after you left, I think. I was just starting high school.

“There was a boy in my class named Michael. Now that I think about it, he was a really shitty kid. He played football, thought he was a hot shot. But that didn’t stop me from having a huge crush on him.”

“Go on,” urged Jacob. He leaned forward a little, pressing his chest to my back as he held me tighter. The warmth of his embrace had me feeling calm and safe.

“I didn’t understand why I liked him so much. Something about his smile, or some other sappy shit like that. We rarely ever spoke to one another, but when we did, I would get all flustered and red in the face.

“I couldn’t understand it. But then one day, out of the blue, Michael asked if I wanted to go see a movie with him.”

“What does this have to do with your family?”

“I’m getting there,” I said. “We ended up having a really good time. We wound up dating in secret. He told me that his father was a huge homophobe, and he’d kill Michael if he ever found out. I was curious as to whether my family would be the same way. I remember distinctly asking my father for his opinion. He said, ‘Fags don’t deserve to lick the mud off my shoes.’”

“Jesus,” Jacob mumbled into my back.

“Yeah. He didn’t need to say any more for me to catch his drift.

“I wound up sneaking out of the house a lot to meet up with Michael, but one day we got caught together by his father. He dragged us both by the ear back to my father’s farm. It was mortifying.

“Michael’s father explained that he had found us kissing and holding hands. He wanted to know how long this had been going on under his nose. That was when Michael sort of just snapped.

“He said that I was the one who made him do all those things, that I was the one forcing myself on him. Needless to say, that didn’t go over very well with Jack. Not only did Michael out me, he threw me under the bus, too.”

“I’m so sorry, Danny,” whispered Jacob. His words were soft and low, a comfort against the painful memories.

“Yeah, it really sucked,” I mumbled under my breath. “My father and I had a huge fight about it. My mother just stood by really quiet while he beat the shit out of me.

“The next morning, I packed my things and just left. Jack made it very clear that if I ever came back, he’d shoot me. He calls me every now and again to tell me what a miserable pile of shit I am, but I haven’t seen him in years.”

“That’s terrible!” exclaimed Jacob, distraught.

I shrugged my shoulders. “It’s fine. If my family doesn’t want me in their life, then I don’t want them in mine. It’s simpler this way.”

We finally made it to the crest of the hill overlooking my father’s farm and McCullough Farms just across the dried-up creek. I could see Jack down near the pig pen feeding the swine. He looked as small as an ant from where we were. My mother was out by the lines, stringing up laundry to dry in the sun.

“They’ve never really forgiven me for being gay,” I said, more to myself than Jacob.

“But there’s nothing to forgive,” he protested.

I shook my head. “Sometimes I wish I could go back. Pretend to be straight. At least I’d still have my family.”

“You’d be lying to yourself.”

“Ignorance is bliss,” I argued.

“Does that mean…” Jacob hesitated. “Do you regret it?”

“Regret what?”

“Being with me. Last night. Do you regret it?”

I frowned, thinking long and hard. No, of course I didn’t. Last night had been amazing. I'd felt comfortable and safe and loved, more than I had in a long, long time.

And then it hit me. I was falling for Jacob, and I was falling fast, just like I had with Michael all those years ago. It was all going to go sideways, same as it had back then. I was just waiting for it to boil over, waiting for Jacob to hurt me like Michael had hurt me.

The realization froze my blood, stopped my heart. I swallowed at the bitter taste in my throat, clenching my jaw as I reminded myself why he was even here in the first place. He’d be gone soon, our night together nothing more than a fling in his memories.

Jacob would leave just as easily as he had before. And I’d be left alone again — alone, and with nothing to my name. This had to end now, before things were out of my control. It was better this way.

I tugged on Maybelle’s reins and turned us around. “It’s getting chilly,” I said instead of answering. “Let’s head back.”

Jacob was silent the rest of the ride home.