Chapter Twelve
Change
She’s a butterfly,
beautiful now.
But she’ll always remember
the caterpillar,
the ugliness outside
now shed of her—
the beauty inside
comes out for show.
And she is loved.
^^^
I’m not sure getting back together with Jesse is the best decision with Olivia looming around every corner, but I can’t allow her to affect my decisions. Even though we’re together again, I still don’t think I deserve him. I want to be with him, though, and it seems he wants to be with me. That’s enough for me right now.
After we returned from Chicago, I slept for hours. Without a drink in me, I still woke with a headache and pure exhaustion. After three ibuprofen and a twenty-ounce soda, I’m ready for work.
Putting my costume together takes well over an hour. I rarely wear makeup so the bright red lipstick and darkened lashes shock me when I see myself in the mirror. Once I add the flaming orange hair, I barely recognize myself. Maybe that’s a good thing.
I’ve never been so excited for work before. I love my job at Happy Acres, but Will and I have spent a lot of time planning the party today. We like to keep the residents entertained, and I think we’ve come together with a wonderful event.
Will isn’t there yet when I arrive. I don’t waste any time and start the prep work in the kitchen, getting started on the spooky fingers, ghostly marshmallows, and veggie tray—baby carrots lined up like a pumpkin with cucumbers for the mouth and dip for the eyes. We have other snack foods as well, but I wanted to make a few items that were fun. Not everyone can eat the harder foods, which is why Will is bringing some softer choices.
Over the next hour, I hang fake spider webs, spread orange and black tablecloths over the tables, and place fake witches and bats throughout the activity room. I’ll definitely take credit for this. I did a great job, and it feels good.
“Violet.” Will startles me, and I almost fall off the step stool. He grabs a hold of me and helps me down. “Be careful.”
“Thanks. I guess I’m zoning out a little and not paying attention. Who are you supposed to be?”
Will is wearing a long sleeve velvety shirt with a white collared polo underneath. He looks so different in his wig, making the top of his head completely bald with dark hair flowing from the sides. For the life of me, I don’t have a clue who he is.
“I thought you were dressing up as Emily Dickinson. I thought we could both be poets, so I picked up the Shakespeare costume.” He eyes me up and down. “But you’re definitely not her.”
“No. Not even close. I thought about it but stepped out of my comfort zone and went wild as Lucille Ball. What do you think?”
“I think you pulled it off. And that I look a little silly now.”
“Oh, Will, I’m so sorry. You should have told me so I could have planned.” It is a fun idea for us to be a matching pair like that, but that’s more reserved for couples. I don’t think I would have been comfortable walking around like that. I can’t believe Will would be, either. Of course, maybe that’s something he wanted. Should I mention his comment to me the other day? No. I’m reading too much into this.
“Don’t worry about it. I can laugh at myself.” He gives a big, fake laugh from his belly. “Ho, ho, ho!”
“Um, Will, that’s Santa.” I run the paper streamer through my hands as he tries it again. “Nope. Sorry. Still Santa.”
“I guess I’m set for Christmas then. Should we get this shindig started?” He points to the clock, and it’s two o’clock on the dot. We wanted to run the party after lunch but before dinner since we’re only having snacks and many of the residents are so stuck in their routine we didn’t want to interrupt them.
“I’ll have Lola make an announcement.”
Fifteen minutes later all the residents finish gathering in the activity room, some with smiles on their faces, others appearing irritated we dragged them from whatever they were doing. Robert, of course, is one of them. Not a single one is in costume, except Lola, as I had expected. She’s wearing a moo moo with plush cats attached to her. A cat lady. Clever.
“Happy Halloween, everyone!” I clap my hands expecting some excitement, but instead, I get Robert.
“It’s October twenty-third. It’s not Halloween. That’s the thirty-first, and who celebrates this anyway? It’s not a real holiday.”
Will and I exchange smirks. No matter what the situation we can always count on Robert to have something negative to say. “Don’t be such an Eeyore, Robert.” I start to walk around the room. “I can’t believe no one dressed up! This is supposed to be fun!”
“Can I dress up as someone younger?” Mona Davies, our oldest resident at ninety-six, blurts out.
“There’s not enough makeup!”
“Robert!” I can’t believe he said that. He has a mouth on him, but to insult Mona like that? Not cool at all.
“It’s fine, Violet. We know we’re old.”
The entire group laughs, Robert included. Will glances at me and nods, so I laugh, too.
“Okay, we have a lot of fun planned for you today. We have a station set up over here for you to decorate pumpkins. We’ll be painting them instead of carving them. Do what you want with them. Paint them to keep or create something for your kids or grandchildren.” I look over at Mona. “Or great grandchildren.” She beams at me. She talks about her great grandchildren all the time, blessed to have been on Earth long enough to see them.
“Later we can all tell scary stories.”
“This party is pretty scary.”
“Robert, you’re pretty sassy today, aren’t you?” I wiggle my finger at him and he nods his head as a smile creeps up on him. “Will and I have also put together a scavenger hunt. Come see us for the sheets for that. You’ll find items hidden around the activity room and the hallway.” And we’ve put together a secret one meant for Robert and Roxanne. Their sheets have one extra item than everyone else’s, which will lead them to a romantic “snack” for two. I hope it works.
We start with the pumpkin decorating. I’m learning which residents are more artistic than others. My artistry lies in the pen, not the paintbrush. When I’m finished with mine, I have a small pumpkin in the shades of the rainbow. I love it. It’s vibrant and reminds me of that moment after a storm when you first see the glimmer of a rainbow in the sky. The excitement, the joy.
Will doesn’t have much luck with his pumpkin. When I go to check on him, his pumpkin is fifty shades of gray, and not like the book.
“What happened here?” It’s a mess. I can’t even make out what he was trying to do with it.
“This is my attempt at Dracula.”
“But there’s no face. It’s a horribly gray pumpkin.”
“Yes, I know. Thank you for pointing out my lack of painting ability.”
“I’m not trying to be rude. I just don’t know what that is.”
“I’ll call it ‘Pumpkin in a fog.’ How does that sound?”
I like he’s trying to make the most of it. It’s a hot mess, but he’s having fun, and that’s what is important. Kind of like on the bus. I embraced the truth and dare game and had fun with it.
“I like it. Should we get on with the scavenger hunt?”
He gives me a thumbs up, knowing very well where I’m going with this. I’m ready to bring Robert and Roxanne together. We hand out the scavenger hunt sheets being careful to give the impending lovebirds the ones made specifically for them. We wait as the residents search for the items, checking them off as they find them.
“Did you have a good weekend?” Will rolls his sleeves and I notice the muscles in his forearm for the first time. He’s so tan, too, a difficult feat in October in Wisconsin unless you go to a tanning salon. He doesn’t strike me as the tanning salon type though. Not that there is a type, I guess. His tan just looks so natural.
“Yeah. I went to Chicago.”
“Wait. You went to Chicago?”
His shock startles me. What’s the big deal about going to another city? I suppose just as I assumed he wouldn’t be the type to go to a tanning salon, he probably assumes I would never go to such a big city. “I went with some friends—and made some new ones, I think—but I never got off the bus.”
“Okay, okay. That makes more sense.”
“Why does that make more sense?”
“You’re playing it safe. If you got off the bus, there would have been more opportunity to do something you’d regret. Even though I don’t believe you should regret anything about your college experience.”
I hop onto the table and cross my ankles. “Tell me more about what my college experience should be.”
“Come on now, don’t be like that.” He joins me on the table. “I mean don’t allow yourself to miss out. Have you thought about joining a sorority?”
I laugh so hard I snort. “Me? A sorority? Um, no.”
“Okay, well then something else. A club or something.”
I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I didn’t join anything in high school out of fear. Am I doing the same thing now? There has to be some sort of club or group I can fit into. I never even checked or inquired about them. Something must pique my interest.
“I don’t know. I’ll think about it.” I hop down from the table. “Why don’t we check on our potential love birds?”
We make our way into the hallway in the back where we’ve set up the table. Roxanne and Robert are sharing a plate of appetizers, and Robert is holding Roxanne’s hand.
“Well look at that,” I say as I cross my arms. “It looks like you were right.”
“I believe I said this before but I’m always right. Just remember that.”
“I’m telling you it was the sweetest thing. They held hands through their meal, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen Robert smile so much in one sitting.” Watching Robert have the time of his life brought me such joy. Not only was that the longest I’d ever seen him smile, but I’m not sure if he’s ever been so happy in his entire life. Or at least the years I’ve known him.
I’m in Jesse’s dorm room for the first time, and we’re laying on his bed. I can’t believe I’m here, with him, and I’m cradled in his arms. His roommate, Mark, is in class. I’m done with my classes for the day and Jesse doesn’t have any. Being back together with him is the best thing in the world right now and nothing can take it away from me. I won’t let it. Or her…because a her is what would stand in our way at this point.
He holds my right hand in his, and we’re linking our fingers together. “So you played Cupid for Halloween?”
“Yep, but I didn’t dress up as her.” Let’s face it, if Cupid is real, she’s a her.
“Who were you?”
“Lucille Ball.”
“Lucille Ball?” He laughs and kisses the top of my hand. “I can’t even imagine it.”
I pull out my phone and swipe through my photos. “I have proof.”
He takes the phone from my hand and looks at the picture. “Huh.”
“What? Is it bad?” I sit up and face him. “I thought I did a pretty good job on the costume.”
“No, you did.” He stares at the picture. “Who is this, though?”
I don’t even have to look. I know who he’s referring to. “Will. He works there, too.”
Jesse nods his head, refusing to make eye contact with me. Is he jealous? No. That can’t be. Guys don’t get jealous over a girl like me. Now me getting jealous of him, maybe I can see that. It’s much more likely to happen.
“He’s a friend, Jesse. If even that.” We get along just fine, but it’s not as though we hang out together outside of work. We would never do that. “What’s wrong?”
He hands me back my phone. “Nothing.”
“You can tell me. What’s the matter?” He doesn’t get a free pass. I confided in him about my past and my insecurities. Now it’s his turn.
“I’ve been cheated on before.” His face falls flat. “More than once.”
“I didn’t know. I’m sorry.” I find it interesting that Olivia dates a guy who cheats on her, and Jesse has the same issue. I wonder if he’s stayed with the women who have done so. I don’t know how people can do that. I’ve never had an opportunity to cheat, but if I did, I never could. It’s gross.
“No, no.” He shakes his head as he takes my hand again. “There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. It’s my issue. It just seems to happen in every relationship I’ve had.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Again with the sorry. Don’t be. It sucks, though. I’m sure no one has ever cheated on you.”
“No, they haven’t.” And now it’s time to drop a bomb. “They haven’t because I’ve never had a boyfriend before. You’re my first.” I can’t believe that in all I’ve admitted to him, I haven’t fessed up to that. It’s embarrassing. What type of college aged girl has never had a boyfriend? Mine isn’t even out of choice. Just circumstance.
“What?” His lips curl into his cheek and I read the shock on his face. Though I don’t think this situation calls for shock. I don’t think most people expect me to have had tons of boyfriends. “I don’t believe that for one minute.”
“Well, believe it.” I sigh a little and laugh at the same time. “I haven’t exactly had guys lining up to date me.”
“Forgive me for saying so, but I’m glad.”
“You are?”
“Yeah, because if you did, you’d already be taken, and I want you all to myself.” He leans in and kisses me on my neck, and I shiver. It tickles, but I like it. He does it again, this time pressing his lips against my skin and letting his tongue take a taste. I allow myself to lie back on the bed and for him to crawl on top of me. He’s hovering above me, digging his head into my neck as he keeps kissing me.
Unsure of what to do next, I slide my hand up his back, and he flattens against me, though I can feel how hard he is. His penis is pressed against me. I can’t stop thinking this as he moves his lips to my chin, my cheek, my lips. His penis is pressed against me. “Is that okay?”
A thousand times over it’s okay. I’ve waited for this to happen between us, for things to go further. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. “Yes.” My hands are at his pants line and if I move an inch further, I’ll be able to touch his underwear. I want this to happen. I know that. I mean, I don’t want to do everything. Should I stop him and tell him? I’ve never been in this situation. I don’t want to ruin the mood. But I want him to know my limits.
Jesse’s lips leave my skin, and the second they do my body goes into withdrawal. “I only want to go as far as you want to,” he says as though he has a crystal ball reading my mind.
All I know is I don’t want to do everything. I haven’t done anything. What if I don’t know how to do what I should? Is there an instruction manual somewhere on campus? What if I touch him wrong, make the wrong noise, or burst out laughing out of sheer nerves?
“Vi, baby,” he runs his finger along the side of my face. “Don’t think about it too much. Don’t worry about anything.”
Is he in my mind? How another human being can read me like this, I don’t know. I trust every word he is saying, and every inch of my body is calling him to me.
“I do. I worry.”
I’m breaking protocol here and ruining the mood, but I want to be honest. Anything less than honest isn’t fair. To either of us.
“I’m serious, Vi. The last thing I want to do is pressure you. I don’t want to have sex with you.”
“Excuse me?” Apparently, I read this situation incorrectly.
He runs his arms so they’re behind my neck and slides off me, pulling me to his chest. “Right now. That came out wrong.”
“It sure did!”
“I know you’re not ready for that. So even if you beg me, that will not happen tonight.”
I breathe a sigh of relief. I don’t want him to think I’m rejecting him. I’m glad he understands. If he didn’t, then I’d need to end things right here right now. Though I’m relieved, I’m still yearning for him. I want him to touch me everywhere, leave no inch of skin untouched.
“I have an idea,” he says as he kisses me on the lips. His hand folds around my breast, and even from outside the comfort of clothing, my body is tingling. “What about this? Are you okay with this?”
His hand is heavy on my breast but it feels right being there. “Yes.”
“Are you okay with it if I lift your shirt?”
My stomach drops for a moment. If he does, he’ll expose my belly, every flaw in plain view. He’s seen it all though, hasn’t he? He had to have seen that picture. The picture. He’s seen it all already, then. My dimpled legs, my apple butt, the roll of skin on my back. Still, he’s here.
“Violet, if you’re not okay with this, I won’t do it.”
I want him to. So bad. “No. Please.”
He lifts my shirt up and pulls my bra aside, taking me in his mouth. I groan, stopping when I realize I’ve done it out loud.
“No, please, be as loud as you need.” He rolls over and presses the hardest part of his body against me. “I love it.” His hand leaves my breast and makes its way into my pants. I flinch as he inches underneath my panty line. For a moment he stops but I urge him to keep going. When he touches me in the most intimate area, I want to close my legs. Not because I don’t want him there, but because it feels so good I can barely stand it.
“Shh,” he whispers. “Just relax.”
My legs fall open and he keeps one hand on my breast and the other tickles me with his fingers. I’m so wet but I can’t let embarrassment take over. I never want this to stop.
“Do you think I don’t allow myself to experience things?”
My legs drape over Jesse’s body, my arms across his chest, after perhaps the best time of my life. I never knew my body could feel that way, react in such a manner. He didn’t laugh at me or judge me. When I moaned louder, he pleasured me harder until I couldn’t take it anymore. He did as he said he would—he took care of me. When I’m ready, I’ll take care of him.
“After what just happened, I’d have to say you’re open to new experiences.” I love the feel of his hand stroking my arm as we lie there. “Why do you ask, babe?”
I can’t stop thinking about my conversation with Will. I’ve never so much as taken part in a spelling bee, always worried about what people would think if I messed up, or what if I spoke out of turn on accident, or fell on the stage. Of course, Jesse has experienced the latter and laughed at himself. I’m not so sure I’d be able to laugh at myself. Though that night on the bus helped break that barrier a little.
“I go to class every day, I spend time with you and Janna, I work my job, rinse and repeat.”
“And you’re tired of the repetitiveness?”
He used his readings of me prior, and can’t guess what is wrong now. “No. I like routine. I guess it makes me feel safe. But I wonder if I should do more while I’m here. It’s four short years. I spent four years of high school avoiding anything social. Maybe now is my chance.”
“What are you thinking about doing?”
“Joining a club or organization.”
“I think you should do it.” He doesn’t hesitate, and though I can’t see his face, I can tell he’s smiling. ”I’m in the computer club.”
“You are?” I lift my head and he’s smiling at me, his head against the wall, propped up with his arm.
“Yes,” he laughs. “It’s definitely helpful. The clubs are a chance to expand your knowledge in your area of study and make friends. It adds to your resume, too.”
I didn’t think about that. I’ll need to pad that up if I plan on securing a decent job after graduation. “What would I even join? What sort of club is there for me?”
“How about Writing Club?”
My heart almost stops when he says this. “There’s a writing club?” How did I not know about this already? A safe space to join with other writers and share our work. I already imagine myself among a group of people, each of us with our face down on paper as we write the afternoon away. All that’s missing is a balcony and a gentle breeze. The perfect day.
But creative writing isn’t my major. Will this even help me in any way? “Wait. I can’t do that. I’m not an English major. That makes little sense. I should find something related to my field.”
“Why? I played basketball in high school but didn’t plan on becoming a professional basketball player. Join because it’s fun. Besides, if your parents are pushing you to do this business thing, why not also do something you enjoy while you’re here?”
“You’re right. Okay, first thing tomorrow I’m doing it. I’m joining the Writing Club.”
“That’s my girl.” He kisses the top of my head, letting his hand fall to my waist again. His kisses follow down my neck as I lie back in bliss.