Chapter Fifteen
First Comes Love
They say you know when you love someone.
But I ask if that’s really true.
Can you truly sacrifice anything for anyone
if you don’t even really love you?
You meet someone
and you fall in love.
At least that’s how it is on TV
and all the princess fantasies.
What if you’re not the princess
or even pre-Prince Charming Cinderella?
Can you believe someone
when they claim their love?
What does it take
to love yourself
And for someone else
to love you back?
And what if you never find out?
Then what?
^^^
I arrive back to school the Wednesday after Christmas. The first thing I do after tossing my bags on my bed is race to Jesse’s dorm. Olivia’s things were already in our room, and I lucked out and she wasn’t. If she’s back, Jesse is, too, and I can’t wait to see him. We spoke every day during winter break, and I miss him with every part of my soul.
I knock on his door, frantic, so anxious I can barely contain myself. Someone is rustling around inside. I’m tempted to grab the handle and open the door, but I don’t. The door opens after what feels like much too long, and his roommate stands before me.
“Hi, Mark. Is Jesse here?”
“Nope.” The p pops when he says it.
My heart drops to the floor. “What do you mean he’s not here? He’s back, right?” I spoke with him yesterday, and he told me he’d be here before me. What happened? Did he stay home longer? Did meeting my family change things between us?
“He’s back. He’s just not here. Check the quad.”
The quad! That’s sort of become our place even though, technically, it belongs to everyone. I don’t even say goodbye to Mark, and race to the quad. I’m out of breath by the time I arrive.
I see him. He’s sitting in our chair, reading a book. His hair is down and flowing over his shoulders. He tucks it behind his ear as he reads. I want to go to him, but I’m glued to the spot I’m in watching him. I can’t believe he’s my boyfriend. Mine. I never imagined I’d meet someone like him, and we’d be together. It’s a dream come true.
He glances up from his book and sees me. He closes the book and sets it on the floor, and then motions for me to come to him. I float over to him and land right in his lap, and wrap my arms around his neck, and this time I initiate the kiss. I’ve missed his touch, his tongue. He’s so warm.
“What was that for?” He asks.
“Just a welcome back. I couldn’t wait to get back and see you. Did you have a nice few weeks home?”
He shrugs. “I guess it was okay. I’m glad to be back here. With you.”
I hug him, and I don’t want this moment with him to end.
“Well, what do we have here?” Olivia’s voice slices through me.
“Hey, sis.” Jesse greets his sister like it’s nothing. “Didn’t I just see you for like three weeks straight?”
She gives him an evil stare, not impressed with his joking around. “I’m looking for Violet if you must know.”
“You are?” We say it together.
“Yeah. When I got to our dorm room you weren’t there. I checked the library but then I thought to check here, and well, here you are.”
“Yeah. Here I am.” I’m speaking to her with caution, not sure what in the heck she even would want with me. And with Jesse around. She’s been careful to not let Jesse know the things she did to me and I haven’t told him, either. “What’s up?”
“A couple of us are putting together a Valentine’s Day party, and I thought maybe you’d want to help.”
“Really?” What in the world would even make her consider asking me? Besides her not liking me, I’m not exactly the party type. Sure, I’ve gone to a few of them, and they weren’t really my scene. “I don’t know how I could really help.”
“I’m sure there’s something you can do.” We’re staring at each other, no one sure what to say at this point. I think even though she’s the one approaching me, she’s in as much shock as I am. “Look,” she continues as she shifts the weight from foot to foot. “If you and Jesse are going to be a couple, we should try to be friends.”
Oh. My. God. I repeat this in my head like I’m Janice from Friends but less annoying. She and Jesse must have talked—really talked—while on break because a month ago there was no way this would even be close to a reality. I’ve been burned before, though, by people who pretended to be my friend. In the end, I always end up betrayed. Still, she’s right, and I have plenty of room in my life for friends, especially now that Janna isn’t speaking to me.
“I couldn’t agree more.” I accept her invitation to help plan the party. It’s a month and a half away which will give us plenty of time to test our friendship.
I hope we pass.
The day I’m to meet Olivia’s friends is a tad surreal. The first day of school I planned on becoming good friends with my roommate and the college served me Olivia. Now, five months later, and it’s possible we may become friends.
I’m first to the cafeteria and find a place to sit. I decide on a spot away from the guy eating a tuna sandwich. He smiles at me when I sit down across the room, and I’m polite and do the same.
Cafeterias spark an odd feeling inside me. I avoided it most days in high school, sitting with Tina the days I found the courage to be present in that room. If school itself is full of cliques, the lunchroom is where they all come together and claim their territory. The table I’m sitting at now I think in my school qualified as the nerd table, which accepted me sometimes. I wasn’t always welcome at the outsider tables, but when I was, it meant I could eat my lunch comfortably with other kids instead of on the hard floor, in the library, or in the bathroom.
“You beat us here! I should have assumed you were an early bird.” Olivia commands the room as she enters with two girls beside her. I recognize one of them but I can’t place from where.
I don’t know what about me makes her assume I’m an early bird. Nothing could be further from the truth. Naps may be one of my favorite things in the world. I realize, though, that while I may want to dream about Jesse for all hours of the morning, classes and meetings like these take precedence, so here I am.
“I wasn’t sure how busy the cafeteria would be,” I lie, “so I wanted to come down here and reserve a table.”
“See? What did I tell you guys?” She turns to her friends who are laughing. I’m not sure why that’s funny or what Olivia told them, but I’m about moving forward. I won’t dwell on her commentary. I’ll push through.
“Violet, this is Sarah and Brynn. Sarah and Brynn, meet Violet.”
“Olivia has told us a lot about you.”
I don’t like the words when I hear them. What could she have told them? None of it can be good considering this “friendship” came to be only a few days ago and especially based on our history. Did she tell them about College Slam, or the shaving cream, or perhaps they were part of it? I push it out of my mind. Jesse wants me to trust his sister, though, so I do, as best I can, anyway.
Brynn seems familiar though. Sarah, I think I’ve seen walking around campus, but Brynn I don’t recognize from here. I can’t place her, but I’ve definitely seen her.
“All good things, I hope.” I am sure this is not true; however, I’d rather say the lie outside and make myself believe it.
Both girls ignore my comment, and this is probably for the best. If it wasn’t good things, which I am sure it wasn’t, what kind of person would admit that?
“Shall we begin?” Olivia sits next to me and Brynn and Sarah sit on the opposite side of the table. Every single one of us has a notebook. I made sure I brought along a different one than my poetry book. I learned my lesson with that.
“Okay, I spoke with the Dean’s office and Ms. Banister is excited we want to put this together. They’ve given us their blessing to use the cafeteria for the dance.” Sarah takes the lead with the planning immediately.
“The cafeteria? I wanted to use Hauser Hall. The space is bigger, more elegant, and perfect for a dance!” Olivia sounds like she’s whining, and it’s obvious she’s upset she’s not getting her way.
“Cool down, Liv,” Brynn says as she lifts her hand up in front of her face. Olivia shoves it away. “If this is what Ms. Banister approved, that’s what we do. She’s in charge of this stuff. The alternative is we aren’t given a space. I’m not holding another party off campus, not after the last one.”
“What happened at the last one?” I’m almost afraid to know the answer.
“Besides the fact that her boyfriend Alex left with some other girl, someone clogged the toilet so bad it flowed out of the bathroom, down the stairs, and onto the carpeting in the main living area. It was disgusting.” Sarah crinkles her nose up as though she can still smell the toilet water.
I wonder how long ago this party was considering Alex and Olivia are back together. I don’t know why she is with someone who does this to her, but it’s not my place to say anything—and oh, how I want to say something. If I’m supposed to be her friend, I should say something, but I can’t help but think about what happened with Janna. I don’t think Olivia and I will become the best of friends or anything but I don’t want to stir anything up.
“Fine.” Olivia doesn’t look pleased with the decision. She doesn’t have much choice but to accept it, though. “I hope you can transform this place into Cupid’s Lair.”
“Is that where Cupid lives? A lair?” Sarah giggles, and me and Brynn start laughing, too.
“Whatever. Onto the next part of planning.” Olivia avoids any mocking by advancing the agenda. “Food.”
For the next hour, we go over the menu, music, and decorations for the party. Everything is coming together, and I’m enjoying myself. The hesitation I had when I first walked into the cafeteria has vanished, and I’m fitting in, not an easy feat for me. Olivia isn’t too bad, though she seems to have commentary on everyone who walks by, Brynn and Sarah always joining in.
“I heard her best friend’s mom had an affair with a professor,” Brynn says as someone I don’t know walks by.
“Ugh. She’s so gross. Look at her hair,” Olivia chimes in on a girl from one of my classes.
I listen to this for a while before I’ve had enough. I don’t say anything though my gut says I should. This is my first official time getting together with these new friends and I don’t want to ruin anything by commenting. I already can read their reaction, telling me I think I’m better than them or the people they are mocking.
But by not saying anything, I’m one of them.
Jesse’s kisses are amazing. The way his hands roam my body, tracing with his fingertips, makes my toes curl. I don’t mind when his hair flips over and covers my face as he sucks on my nipple. Every moment I’m with him I want him more, so much so I almost miss him even though he’s with me.
“You’re incredible. Have I told you that lately?” Jesse whispers in my ear before lying back on the bed.
I toss my arm around his chest and nestle my head in the crook of his arm. “I don’t believe you have.” He hasn’t finished his sentence from when he visited my parent’s house on winter break. I think he almost told me he loved me. I hope so at least. I don’t want to pressure him by saying it first. And if I don’t say it there’s less of a chance I’ll get hurt. A part of me still can’t believe this is real. Every morning I see myself in the mirror and find it hard to believe Jesse is with me. Me. He does something no one has done before. He makes me feel beautiful. Important. Wanted. My parents haven’t even done that. I don’t know what it is about him, but whatever he says to me, I believe. Because I know he believes it, even if it may seem odd to others.
“Well, you’re incredible.” He shifts in the bed and snuggles me in closer. “How did it go with my sister and her friends?”
I shrug. “It went, I guess. She’s not so bad. Well, at least not as bad as I thought she was.” Except she still did those things to me, and I can’t honestly say I don’t think she’d try it again.
“Did you think she was like the Evil Queen or Maleficent or something?”
“No. They’re nicer.”
“Wow. Just wow.” He speaks in short, quick answers. “That bad?”
I look up at him, and he’s staring at the ceiling. How much do I want to tell him? I hate keeping what happened a secret. He knows about the shaving cream but not that Olivia was more than likely behind it. I’m afraid to bring up the photo in case he searches for it. I don’t want him to see me like that. He may have already seen it, but I pretend he hasn’t. He’s seen me completely naked but with the comments on the photo and everyone judging me, I can’t deal with that.
“What’s wrong?”
My silence gives me away. Thinking about the ways Olivia has wronged me brings that doubt back into my mind. What if this is all a joke? What if she’s setting something up so she can make a fool of me?
“Nothing. I’m just thinking about something that happened when I first came to campus.”
“Really? What?”
Crap. I should tell him. No. He doesn’t need to know. But he does. Shouldn’t he know the kind of girl his sister is? “I…I don’t think I can talk about it.”
“You know you can tell me anything, right?”
I do. And I want to. I want to trust him with all my secrets, even if they are humiliating. “It’s embarrassing.”
“Vi, tell me. I can tell it’s bothering you. Please.”
His pleas do me in. I can’t say no to him. I can’t. As long as I step around the subject of Olivia, I can get through this. “My first week here someone took a picture of me…naked.”
“What? Who? I’ll kill him!” He assumes I’m talking about a man, some pervert who wanted to take advantage of me. If he only knew the truth.
“I don’t think it was a man, Jesse. Whoever took the picture put it on the internet and made fun of how I look. And other people did, too. A lot of other people.”
“I’m so sorry, Vi. Do you have any idea who?”
“Well, I don’t know for sure. And it’s not a big deal because the picture is long gone, replaced with others. This website is disgusting, putting women on display every day. All from different colleges around the country.”
“It is a big deal. Who do you think it was?”
I can’t say her name. I can’t do that to him, to his family. She is his family.
“You think it’s Olivia, don’t you?”
I don’t say yes, but I don’t deny it, either. Not denying it is the same as confirming it.
“I know Liv can say some pretty messed up shit but to do something like that? I can’t see it. You think she messed up your clothes, too?”
“I don’t know, Jesse. Like I said, I don’t have any concrete evidence she did any of it.”
“No, you don’t.”
He cuts me off so fast I almost don’t finish my sentence. He’s never raised his voice at me, and now, in one of our most intimate of moments, he is.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“No, no. I asked. Insisted. Just…do you really think she could be behind it? Should I talk to her? If she did do this, I swear I’ll never talk to her again.”
This isn’t what I wanted. Olivia is all he has—his blood. She’s befriended me now, taking the time to spend time with me. My past has caused me to question everyone and assume the worst out of most people. Olivia seems the obvious suspect, but I can’t be too quick to decide that. I should give her a chance like she’s giving me.
“You’re right, Jesse. I’m sorry. I don’t know who would do this, though.”
“It’s a good thing I’m a computer genius. Give me the information on that website. I’ll figure it out for you.”
I don’t even know if I want to find out who did it. The best thing is to put it behind me and move forward. He wants to do this for me though. Jesse wants to be my protector, and I should let him. I give him the website name and hope to God he figures it out before he comes across my picture.