CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

 

The wedding ceremony was a fairy tale, beautiful in a magical way. Tears of happiness and sadness burst free as I watched the happy couple swear their vows to one another. I tried everything to hold back my emotions, but the minute I watched Jesse’s eyes fill with tears when he saw his stunningly beautiful bride step into the aisle, I was a goner.

I’ve seen so many couples in my line of work get married. Most of them claim to love one another, but when I watched them exchange vows, they missed the spark that couples who are truly in love possess.

On rare occasions, there are couples just like Jesse and Amelia, who couldn’t be more perfectly matched in every way that counts.

They shared their vows, promising to love one another, and I’m so caught up in the moment I can barely catch my breath. The way they stared into one another’s eyes, I could feel they meant and breathed every single word they vowed. It’s a blessed gift to witness such a special moment.

I swear I felt everything they felt for one another. They poured that love from their very souls in front of everyone who mattered.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

Jealousy crawled up my throat. I want what they have, crave it, and now more than ever, I wish I had it.

It wasn’t going to happen for me though.

But I am human enough to be happy that Jesse and Amelia have it. They deserve to spend the rest of their lives happily married to their soulmate.

The day has been truly blissful, a huge success all around.

That is if you don’t count the black eye Aaron now has, courtesy of Jesse.

The shouting began as soon as Drake stepped foot in the back door. I’d gone running, both of us heading to the attic where all the men were gathered, waiting to have their group photo taken.

What I walked into jolted me. Jesse had Aaron by the scruff of his collar, pinned against the wall. I’d never seen the man so mad. I had shakily stepped in to intervene, since none of the men seemed at all fazed the groom had punched his best man.

It seemed seeing Leanne didn’t go over well with any of the Donovans though. Once Jesse demanded Aaron choose between their friendship and Leanne, it was absolute chaos. Aaron wisely chose his friendship, surprising everyone and me. He really did value his friendship with Jesse. Bros over hos and all that.

But the minute Jesse nodded and stepped back, the other males were yelling at him, threatening his manhood.

It didn’t stop there though. The women had also found out about Leanne’s appearance―no doubt from Ada―and somehow managed to corner Aaron on the stairs on his way down to escort Leanne out. They dragged him into a nearby room by his ear. Amelia got so mad, she landed the slap to end all slaps to his right cheek.

It was truly a beautiful moment. And if you look closely, you can still see her handprint on his face.

Aaron took it, apologising profusely until Amelia stopped screaming at him, finally calming down enough to hear him out.

That set the women off all over again. In the end, Ada took matters into her own hands and volunteered―rather giddily―to get rid of Leanne. So while the rest restrained Aaron, making sure he didn’t intervene, she left the room with a Cheshire cat grin on her face. 

I followed behind in case I needed to be peacemaker or call for Shane, but I shouldn’t have bothered. Ada could certainly handle herself, not to mention a raging, crazy woman.

When Leanne refused to leave, putting up a fight and asking to speak to Aaron, Ada had calmly nodded and left the room.

That’s when shit really hit the fan.

Ada walked out carrying a basket of eggs, like Little Red Riding Hood with her apples. Before Leanne could open her mouth to ask what she was doing, or even scream, Ada took aim and fired.

It was messy.

No one, not even Pam or Mary, the sanest of the group, stepped in to help her. They kept watching long after she was run out of the manor.

I have to admit, it was amusing as well as entertaining to watch her run whilst covered in egg yolk.

The other fun part? Alison recorded the whole thing as a wedding present to Amelia and Jesse.

She’s a real giver.

“Hey, are you okay?” Alison asks, walking up to me.

And it begins again.

She’s been asking me if I’m okay every twenty minutes or so, as if my answer is going to change. I know I’ve not been in the best of moods, but it’s beginning to wear thin on my already shaky nerves. It’s only a matter of time before I burst.

“Yeah.” My voice is hoarse, and Alison links her arm through mine, squeezing me to her side.

“Are you sure about this? It’s okay to change your mind.”

I turn to her, tears brimming. “I-I can’t,” I choke out. “I love him so much.” At the moment, everyone is sat eating their meals, so thankfully their attention isn’t on me. I’m sure it will raise some questions if they see me bawling like a baby.

Her eyes soften as she runs a finger down my cheek. “You don’t have to do this. We’ll miss you if you change your mind, but I’ll be there for you, always.”

As tempting as that is, I have my reasons for what I’m doing. I love her for being there for me, but as much as she tells me she understands, I know she doesn’t. She wants me to speak to Drake first before I make any rash decisions. Not doing so is selfish, I know, but I’m trying. Be that as it may, I’m still trying to protect my heart from something it will never recover from.

Even Jeff had something to say when I approached him late last night after sneaking out of bed, leaving Drake sleeping soundlessly. He begged and pleaded with me to talk to the Donovans, but after one look at my tear-streaked face, he gave up and agreed to have our car ready with our bags inside.

Which reminds me.

“They’re going to start the speeches soon. We should go now before they notice something’s wrong or that we’re leaving.”

As soon as the speeches are done and Drake’s best man duties are fulfilled, he’ll come find me; the heated look he’s been sending me all day promises that. I knew when I decided to leave that this would be my only window without having to worry someone would see us. All I need is to face one of the Donovans.

Saying goodbye, even the best of goodbyes, is always hard, but saying goodbye to the Donovans and to Drake… I can’t bear to think about it. They’ve come to mean a lot to me.

“Okay. I’ll just let Jessica know that she’s in charge and we’re heading out now.”

I nod, then grab her bicep. “Make sure she tells Drake about the note.”

She doesn’t look happy when I mention the note, but I’m not all that surprised. She said it was the coward’s way of dealing with things, but it’s the only way I can say goodbye without breaking down and embarrassing myself.

We fought for hours this morning when I told her my plans, her trying to talk me out of it whilst I tried to explain my reasons without sounding like a sad case.

“I’ll meet you outside,” she says, then walks away shaking her head.

I know she’s upset with me. Fuck, I’m upset with myself. A part of me knows I’m making a tremendous mistake, but I’ve had my heart broken before. I’ve been betrayed. I can’t go through that again, not when Drake hasn’t told me how he feels. I won’t put myself out there like that—not again, not ever. I’d rather leave here with the happy memories of our time together than memories of him telling me this was just a little bit of fun to him. I know it wasn’t just about the sex; we connected on a deeper level. He feels something for me, but love? Men don’t fall in love with someone in three weeks. Not with a woman like me. Not with my past luck.

So I’ll treasure the memories I have. Everything else… well, what I don’t know can’t hurt me. And I’m willing to risk everything so I don’t get burnt again. I’d never recover.

When I walk outside, Jeff greets me with a sad smile. “Pagan, are you sure you shouldn’t talk to the Donovans before you leave? They’re going to be very sad that you didn’t stay to say goodbye.”

I force a smile as a tear slips free. “Will you tell them I said I’m sorry I had to leave so suddenly? It’s just too hard to say goodbye to them. They’ve been so good to me. I’m going to miss them all like crazy, including you and Emily.”

“Oh, Pagan,” he sighs, surprising me by pulling me in for a hug. I hug him back, more tears falling from my cheeks.

“Hey,” Alison says softly as we pull apart. She takes one look at my face and growls—yes, growls—at me. “We’re not going.”

I blink, thinking I misheard her. Jeff squeezes my hand before wisely leaving us and walking over to the front doors. “No, we are going. We’ve been through this a million times already,” I snap.

“You’re already a bloody mess, for Christ’s sake. Just tell him you love him, woman.”

There are times when I want to slap my best friend. Now is one of those times, because as right as she is, she’s also extremely wrong.

Before arriving, all I wanted was a break from my job so I could find a life. Now I’ve found someone I picture a life with and it scares me. It petrifies me to no end. But it’s a vicious cycle. I can take a chance, tell him how deeply I love him, and can either have him tell me he loves me back or have him run away.

There’s no denying the connection between us is sizzling, but I’ve read emotions wrong before, more than I care to count.

If I’m honest with myself, truly honest, I know I’m running away because I’m scared. I’m scared of what it would mean if he does love me back, but mostly I’m scared as hell because there’s a fifty percent chance that he doesn’t. If I try to tell Alison that, she’ll never let me leave this property until I find out.

“I said no, Alison. Now please, just drop it,” I choke out. More tears fall and her face softens as she reluctantly nods and moves to the car.

“Pot and kettle,” Aaron sneers and I jump, turning around to face him.

I shield my eyes from the bright sun to see him glaring down at me. “Excuse me?”

“You. You’re a hypocrite.”

I eye the man who I once thought was my world and bite back a curse. “How?” I don’t owe him anything, but I guess hearing what he has to say is another way of punishing myself for what I’m about to do. Leaving here without a goodbye isn’t just rude, it’s going to hurt those I’ve come to care about.

“You’re about to leave him without saying goodbye. You’re just going to leave him a shitty fucking note. I heard that one tell the other chick inside.” He points to Alison, who’s stepped out of the car, ready to intervene. “I followed you out here to see what was going on to hear more fucked-up bullshit.”

“And?” My voice sounds stronger, even though I feel anything but. My insides are twisting up and I’m seconds away from vomiting all over the gravel driveway. His loathsome expression is scorching and I look away, uncomfortable.

“And?” he laughs humourlessly. “You’ve made my life a living hell for three weeks for doing exactly what you’re doing to him.” He laughs again, narrowing those beady eyes on me. “You think I didn’t know it was you? I also know you had help. I just don’t know who.”

Well shit.

My eyes widen. He never let on that he knew who it was. Not once.

I shrug, pretending indifference, though the harsh words slice through my heart and I struggle to breathe. “It’s different.”

“How?” he bites back.

I’m stunned for a minute at the bitterness in his voice. He doesn’t even care about the emotional turmoil going on inside of me, or that he’s making everything feel much worse―making me feel shittier than I already do.

The angry expression on his face and the disappointment shining in eyes swirl the anger inside my chest. He has no right, no right at all. And who does he think he is, thinking he has the right to be mad at me?

“Because we were together, Aaron. You cheated on me and got another girl pregnant. You didn’t even say sorry to me. You just left without a word, not even a goodbye.”

“I didn’t have a choice back then, Pagan. You have one now.”

It’s my turn to laugh, glaring at him. “No choice? There’s always a choice, Aaron, but you chose to run away.”

“Which is what you’re doing!” he yells, throwing his hands up. “And I didn’t get a choice. As soon as Loraine told my parents she was pregnant, we were shipped away to my grandparents’ house. We were married a week later. We didn’t even like each other. It was a drunken one-night stand, a stupid mistake. One I’ve been paying for ever since.”

I stagger back, floored by the declaration and the hurt in his eyes. But it doesn’t change anything. And it certainly doesn’t matter to me anymore; that ship sailed a long time ago. He still made the choice to cheat on me and act indifferent about it. His message was cold, uncaring, and it cut me deeper than him actually cheating on me.

“I don’t know why you’re telling me any of this now,” I whisper, wiping away my tears.

“Because I don’t want you to make the same mistake I did, Pagan. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life. Trust me, I know first-hand how the guilt can eat away at you. I’m not saying we’d still be together if I hadn’t done what I did—I’m not stupid—but this… this isn’t right. You should say goodbye.”

The sincerity in his voice surprises me. “It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m leaving. You don’t deserve my reasons, Aaron, but it’s for the best. For once in my life, I’m protecting myself. I’ve been made a fool of too many times. I won’t let it happen again.”

He shakes his head sadly, looking disappointed in me. “He loves you.”

Narrowing my eyes, I take a step forward, poking him in the chest. How dare he be so cruel. He’s only telling me so he can try to manipulate me into doing something stupid, something that will most likely destroy my soul. Because Drake doesn’t love me.

“Screw you, Aaron. Screw you! You don’t know anything!” I scream, banging my fists against his chest.

“You’re a bitch if you do this. You’re not the Pagan I remember,” he sneers, looking appalled.

He doesn’t know the first thing about me or what I’ve been through. He wasn’t there.

With an angry cry, I knee him in the balls. He falls to the floor with a howl, his face turning red.

“Fuck! Really? The balls?” he wheezes.

“You deserve more than a knee to the balls. You may think you never had a choice, Aaron, but you did. You only had to come to my house and tell me what was happening. I wouldn’t have liked it but I would’ve understood it, especially if what you’re saying is true. I knew what your parents were like, how they threw a new girl at you every weekend. But you didn’t believe in me. Not once. I deserved more than you gave me, and I deserve more from you now. Don’t ever play with my emotions like that again. It’s cruel.”

I’m breathing heavy, my nails digging into the palm of my skin, cutting into me. Too many emotions are swirling around inside me, and it won’t be long before the dam breaks and I’m inconsolable.

“I would never have been able to face you, Pagan. I did stupid things. We were young, but I did love you. I know I don’t stand a chance now. I’ve seen the way you look at him. I just want you to be happy, Pagan, and he makes you happy. More than I ever did.”

“He doesn’t love me,” I murmur, shaking my head.

“He does,” he insists, leaning up on his knees. “Just tell him. What do you have to lose?”

Our gazes meet and lock. “Everything,” I whisper before turning and walking away, my heart starting to crack as I struggle to take in a breath.

“Pagan,” he calls but I ignore him, getting into the passenger seat without turning back.

“Drive! Please just drive,” I plead, tears clogging my throat as I try to hold on a little longer. My throat burns and I rub over my heart with the palm of my hand, trying to ease the pain. It doesn’t work and a tear escapes, my world crumbling around me.

“Okay, Pagan. Okay,” Alison tells me softly, taking my hand in hers and squeezing. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

I turn to look at her profile, more tears falling. “It’s never going to be okay again.”

“You can’t believe that.”

I turn away from her, staring out the window as we drive through the manor’s gates. I don’t answer her and she doesn’t press me, for which I’m thankful. I don’t think I could handle hearing her beg me to go back anymore.

My phone starts ringing, Drake’s name flashing across the screen, and my heart lurches. I suck in an unsteady breath, raw primal pain consuming my whole body as I continue to stare at the screen.

My chest feels hollow, like there’s a big gaping hole where my heart used to be. I’ll never be whole without him.

I crave his embrace, to feel the safety of his arms wrapped around me as he tells me anything and everything. I already long for one of his kisses and wish I had made our kiss this morning last longer, to savour the feel of his soft lips and his hands on my body.

But I’m gone.

He’s gone.

And in five hours, we’ll be miles apart from each other.

With a heavy heart, I switch the phone off, throwing it back into my bag where it will remain. There’s no way I can turn it on to hear his voice or read his messages asking where I’ve gone. It would be too much, and I’m not ready to feel that kind of heartache.

I’m thankful for the silence, to try to calm my breathing as I struggle to come to terms with what I’ve just done.

Because the farther we travel from the manor, from Drake, I know wholeheartedly that I just made the biggest mistake of my life.

I curl up on my side, staring blankly out of the window as more tears fall free. I try to bite back a sob, but the farther we go, the more painful it is to keep inside.

Somewhere along the way, Alison pulls over, undoing my belt and pulling me into her arms.

The dam breaks and the most gut-wrenching sobs tear from my throat as I cling to my best friend, wishing I could make this pain go away.

“I’m here. I’m here. Let it out. It’s all going to be okay.”

“It hurts so much,” I sob, clinging to her as my body shudders.

She rubs my back soothingly, kissing my temple. “Shh, it’s okay. Everything’s okay.”

I shake my head against her. “I can’t breathe. God, it hurts. Why does it hurt so much?” I cry.

“Because you love him, Pagan. I know it hurts now, I know it does, but it will be okay. It will.” She says it so adamantly, like she’s trying to convince herself more than me.

But she’s wrong. This pain is scorching me from the inside so badly that I want to scream until my voice is hoarse.

I cling to her like she’s my lifeline as she rubs my back, like she has all the time in the world and isn’t parked on the hard shoulder of a motorway.

I don’t know what I’d do if she wasn’t here.

Her soothing voice does nothing to calm me though. Nothing can. Because by the time the last sob breaks free, I pull away from Alison, curling into a ball as I face the window once more. I feel dead inside, numb as I ignore her pleas to talk to her as she begins to drive.

Nothing will ever be the same. Not without him.

I really have messed everything up.