SEDRA
But he knows the way I take; When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.
Job 23:10
Second after second.
Minute after minute.
Hour after hour.
I waited.
I didn't close my eyes or think of sleep. I didn't pace the room or move off the bed. I sat while the hall outside remained empty and I sat when I heard footsteps approach only to turn around and walk away.
My bottom grew numb after a while, my legs like pins and needles, but I wouldn't move, wouldn't budge, wouldn't even consider leaving the spot where Jacob had left me.
It's ridiculous, isn't it? The obedience, the love, the hatred and fear. Every emotion, every action, every possible facet of my world revolved around him, leaving me waiting. It made me wonder when the last time had been that I could call myself my own person.
Sick of the tears that kept falling, I struggled to fight them hours ago. Eventually they stopped, the burning and swelling of my eyes the only evidence remaining that I'd cried at all. It didn't make sense for me to cry this much, didn't make me feel good about myself or more at home, but yet I kept doing it. I kept begging and pleading and putting myself aside just to dutifully follow behind him, just to say that, in instances when I was what he wanted, I became his entire world.
And those moments, when he was with me and I was everything he needed, they were the only thing I wanted. They are real and they were raw, they were primal, wicked and devout. They were the moments when he showed me the sun still lingering inside, expelling my evil until I felt free.
He had that power.
I'd doubted it before, but I lived for it now.
Footsteps approached my room, slow, punctuated thuds that were as hesitant as they were loud. I turned my head toward the door, waiting.
Unlike the other times when those steps had reached my room and then disappeared again on a quickened beat, the handle turned, the hinges of the door creaking as the wood was slowly pushed forward.
Jacob stood in the doorway, his broad shoulders filling the frame, his face masked in shadow.
In his arms were a set of clothes, and he dropped them on the bed as soon as he was within reach.
"I'm not sure how well those will fit, but I went to town and bought them for you."
Pulling the clothes from the bed, I couldn't understand why he'd want me to wear them. Men and women were not the same. Not in body, mind or heart. Those differences should be celebrated in the way they cover themselves, distinguished so that women don't overstep, so that they know their role and are reminded of it by the clothes they wear on their body.
"These are pants. I can't wear them."
My eyes met his, my expression a mask of confusion while he appeared frustrated. His brows pulled together as he stepped back, thick arms crossing over his chest as his gaze locked on my chest. "What is that?"
I glanced down, my fingers moving to the cross pendent that hung between my breasts. "You gave it to me. Last night. Don't you remember?"
Words hissed over his lips, curt and angry, they were spoken too low for me to hear what he'd said. Jacob paced the room, tension running across his shoulders, before he slammed a wall with the sides of his fists. His back was to me as he pressed his forehead against the plaster. "Get dressed in the pants, Sedra. You're going home."
"You are my home," I reminded him.
"No," he yelled, his body spinning until I could clearly see the angry color of his face. "I'm not. I'm not even who you think I am. I'm not Elijah. The man who is your home is my twin brother. It's almost impossible to tell us apart."
I wanted to laugh in his face. After everything he told me last night, after his insistence I seduce him and have faith in him no matter what name he used or what lies he told me, did he really think I'd so easily fall for this lie?
No. He wouldn't fool me. He wouldn't cause me to fall without a fight. I knew better now. He'd told me exactly what he wanted from me.
"I don't believe you. I know better. I know who you are. There's nothing you can say or do that will make me run from you again."
"Damn it, Sedra." His voice echoed through the room, a booming sound that would make any person tremble. But not me. Not now. Not when I knew beyond a doubt what he needed from me.
Running had been my mistake, and if this game was the punishment I had to endure, then I'd take it. I'd take anything, as long as it meant I could still walk by his side. I'd prove myself to him, even if it meant being beaten down by the family's fists. Even if it meant giving up my life.
This game, I didn't understand it, but he must have a purpose for playing it and that's what mattered. He knew how to lead me to the light, and if the only way to get there was by suffering, then I'd play whatever game he wanted.
Jacob stormed toward me, the tension of his body so pure it was an energy that saturated the air in the room. My muscles tightened over bone, my throat went dry as I held still in my place on the bed, ready for whatever he had planned for me.
Stopping just before he reached me, his hands curled into fists. Instinct told me to cower, to block my head with my arms to prevent his blows, but I fought the need to ball over myself, and instead I faced him down.
His lips pulled into a thin line, his eyes locking me in place. Sweat broke out along my spine, but I wouldn't give in to it.
I wouldn't.
It had been weak of me to run from the ceremony. No matter what he did, I wouldn't run now.
Where he expected me to cry, I smiled instead. And where he expected me to back away, I moved forward to climb to my feet. I had to crane my neck to look up at him, had to balance on weak legs to remain in place as I stripped off my robe.
"I'm yours," I said, clear in my intent not to run away. "I am your purity. I am your light. I am the woman who can lead you to destiny. I am Eve."
"You're Sedra," he bellowed, his hands coming up to lock on the sides of my head. Forcing my face to stay angled up toward his, he squeezed so hard that pain shot across my scalp. His arms trembled with the exertion, his chest heaving with breath. I cried out at the pain I felt, but I didn't fight back, didn't care if he crushed my skull over my shoulders because at least I was with him when I died.
His voice was strained when he spoke again, barely under control. "What in the hell did my brother do to you?"
He released me with such fury that I fell back on the mattress as he paced away. Pain was a pulse across my head, but I ignored it and pushed to my feet again. By the time he reached the farthest wall, he spun back to me, his face even redder than it had been before.
"You need to wake up, Sedra! You need to realize that you've been lied to and deceived."
"You're lying to me right now," I argued. "There's nothing you can say to make me believe you. Nothing you can do and -"
He crossed the room on a powerful stride and his hand was at my throat. The bruises that were still an angry purple throbbed beneath his hold. He could squeeze the life out of me for all I cared. I would not fall to doubt.
Speaking slowly, darkness was a shadow to his voice. "Twelve years ago and I would have eaten you alive. I would have taken this present my brother has given me and used you until there was nothing left."
He let go to pace away again. Stopping just before hitting the wall, he kept his back to me and said, "I'm not that man anymore."
When he turned to face me, there was genuine pain in his eyes. "You need to get dressed in the clothes I've given you, and when you're done doing that, you can meet me in the hall."
Trembling in place, I barely managed remaining on my feet. "Is that a command?"
His fist hit the wall beside him before he marched toward the door. "Yes," he yelled and walked through. The wood shook with how hard he slammed it.
It didn't take me long to get dressed and do exactly as he'd demanded. When I walked out into the hall, still barefoot, but dressed, I found him leaning up against a wall, his head cradled in his hands.
"I'm taking you home, Sedra. And when I do, I want you to take a long look at my brother. I want you to see how he's playing some screwed up game against you and leading you in the opposite direction of the God you think you're praying to."
Pulling his hands from his face, he looked at me. "Where you are now is God's house. I'm a priest for his Church, a shepherd for his flock, and I promise you that the man Elijah has made himself out to be is not the type of godly man you should be following."
I pressed my lips together to keep silent, blinked my eyes to chase away the tears that threatened to fall. "Say what you want, Jacob. I know what's expected of me."
Pushing away from the wall, he approached on measured steps. Within feet of me, he reached out to tuck his finger beneath my chin and raise my face to his.
His voice returned to a whisper. "You are beautiful, Sedra. And I'm sure somewhere in that head of yours, you're intelligent and faithful as well. But what's being done to you is not healthy. It's not good. It's not anything God would have wanted for you."
I didn't bother to respond. I wasn't playing his games. There was nothing he could say to change that.
It wasn't clear how he'd interpreted my silence, but his shoulders relaxed, his expression falling as he pulled his hand away. "I'm sorry I can't help you, Sedra. But I know that wherever I take you, whatever I do to protect you from that man, you'll just return to him. So I'm protecting my parish and myself by taking you back. I hope, someday, if you ever escape him, you'll understand."
Still silent, I blinked, my lashes fanning over my cheeks before I redirected my eyes to his.
Jacob sighed. "Come on. I can take you in my truck."
Leading me through the building, Jacob turned the mazelike halls until we reached an exterior door. Shoving it open, he held it while I stepped outside, closing it and locking it after I passed. We didn't speak again as we climbed into his truck, didn't even look at each other as we drove through the night back to the compound. I still wasn't sure of the point of this game, but I wasn't giving up.
The night crept further into darkness, not even the light of the moon could brighten our path. But within an hour, a glow lit the distant horizon, and I knew it was the floodlights of the compound. As the truck weaved its way along more streets, turning right and then left, I kept my eyes trained to those lights, wondering what would happen when I had to face the family again.
It didn't take much longer for us to pull up to the gates, and Jacob climbed out of the truck faster than I could find the handle to open my door. By the time I was stepping down from my seat, he was banging on the metal gates, yelling for Elijah to come outside.
For the first time since he'd taken me in that strange building where I'd been kept, doubt crept insidiously in my head, its icy fingers tracing my thoughts, making me question everything, including myself.
"Get out here, Jericho! Be a man and show your damn face!"
His breath disturbed the sheen of mist that hung in the air, the moisture illuminated by the lights beaming down on us. I stood by the truck, not sure what to do with myself while he played out his games.
The gates opened from the center and Jacob stepped back. Richard Cross and Charley Dempsey stepped through wearing the white shirts and blue trousers typical of the men. The gates slammed shut behind them.
"Where's Elijah?" Jacob asked.
Richard was a tall man. He was broad shouldered and pot bellied despite the constant work he did around the compound. Still slightly shorter than Jacob, he had a balding head and a long beard, his brows so overgrown they resembled fuzzy caterpillars above his eyes. In response to Jacob's question, those brows pulled together to become one.
"She believe you yet?" Richards lip curled with humor before he glanced in my direction. Inclining his head in hello, he returned his attention to Jacob. "We're out here like you asked, Elijah. Now what would you like us to do?"
Jacob's expression tightened with anger. "I'm not Elijah. And I'm sick as hell of people calling me that." Stepping forward, he didn't care that he was nose to nose with Richard. "Bring me my brother."
"I don't know who you're talking about."
To Richard's side, Charley laughed, the sound carrying across the distance on the wind. Jacob turned to look at him, his expression dark, empty of patience or humor.
Charley had never been the smartest family member. Unlike Richard, he was short and skinny. It didn't matter how much he ate, he never put on a single pound. Probably the smartest thing I'd ever seen him do is stop laughing when Jacob stared him down. Still, he couldn't keep his mouth shut.
Nodding his head in Jacob's direction, Charley asked, "What's with the priest clothes?"
Jacob didn't bother to respond, he just turned back to Richard, his eyes narrowing in rage. "Bring me my brother. You can tell him I've brought Eve back. I don't want her."
Even though the words hadn't been directed at me, and even though they were all part of whatever it was he was doing, they still stung. How could he not want me? Except for running, I'd done everything he'd asked. Maybe hurting me was part of this punishment.
"Play your games with her all you want, Elijah. She's the one who failed. But she's not coming through these gates. I promised you that when you told me you'd show up, and I won't disobey like she did. I don't want to have to prove my faith."
Both men stepped back, their bodies turning in unison to walk inside the gates. Jacob called out before they could walk through them.
"I'm leaving her here. If Elijah wants her, he can have her, but she's not coming back to the parish with me."
Richard barked out a laugh, twisting in place to side-eye Jacob. "What parish? Your church is right here."
His name wasn't Jacob. That much had been proven with this little stunt. If he were anyone other than the man who led this family, Richard would have dragged him inside to make him face Elijah. But Richard couldn't do that now. You can't drag a man to himself.
Before turning back, Richard said, "You can leave her all you want. She's not coming inside."
The gates closed and the men were gone. Elijah was on me before I could climb into the truck. I'd put one foot inside the cabin before he was dragging me away, almost pushing me into the fence with how far he forced me.
"You stay here."
He stepped and I followed, but jumped back again when he turned and lunged at me. I'd seen him this mad before. He’d terrified me then, even if his anger hadn't been directed at me. Elijah killed a man right in front of my eyes, and I’d learned then just how powerful he was.
"I'm done, Sedra, or Eve, or whatever your name is. Stay here. I'm not taking you with me."
Ice shot through my veins, the cold seeping out to freeze my muscles in place, to slow my heart until it felt like I was being crushed from the inside out. Pure pain, genuine, overwhelming fear, coursed through me. This was worse than the woods at night. This was worse than being chased by dogs. This was the first time he'd openly rejected me.
"You can't mean that," I breathed out, disbelief and agony edging my words. "You can't do that to me. I gave you everything."
Regret flashed behind his eyes. "They'll let you in once I'm gone. I'm sure of it." He paused before saying, "Good luck, Sedra. I hope you find your way out of this place."
Breath rushed from my lungs, my eyes wide and unblinking as he walked off. The door slammed, the engine started, and dust was kicked up in my direction as Elijah drove away.
This wasn't happening to me. He wouldn't actually leave me. God wouldn't -
"Hey Sedra!" A shotgun went off behind me, birdshot spattering the ground at my feet just inches from hitting me.
I jumped back, fell down on my butt, and crawled as far I could. Richard stared down at me from one of the wooden perches, shotgun in hand, a smile across his face.
Tears streamed down my cheeks to drop off as muddy splotches, the dust just now settling from where the bird shot had hit the road. I was frozen in place, terrified and out of my mind with grief.
"Get moving. We'll give you a head start before we release the dogs."
I could hear Charley's laughter from behind the gate. I heard a dog bark in the distance a second or two later.
"I mean it, Sedra. You failed him by running. Nobody here wants you around. Only true believers can live on this side of the gate."
I wasn't sure what came over me, but before I could think about what I was doing, I was on my feet, screaming at the top of my lungs. It was a pressure release, a way to escape the fury that swallowed me.
"I am a true believer. I'm Eve! I'm Elijah's wife."
"You aren't Eve anymore. And Elijah will take a new wife. One who can be what he needs her to be. There's no reason for you to be here, girl. Get moving."
He shot at me again, one pellet grazing my toe enough to make it bleed. Dust and rocks were kicked up against me, but the pants Elijah gave me prevented it from breaking my skin.
The pants...
Had Elijah given them to me because he'd known I'd need them?
Was this all still part of his game?
With tears streaming down my face and my toe bleeding, I ran off. Richard had made it clear I wasn't welcome at the compound anymore. My heart broke as the lights faded behind me. With every step I took, the velvet darkness of night consumed me. But I found a road and followed it, making my way back to the only place I knew I could find Elijah.
Perhaps I was meant to find him. Perhaps not. But he was the only hope I had left, even if he'd claimed he didn't want me.
Slipping deeper within shadow, and just barely managing to find the road I remembered would lead back to him, I whispered to myself to bind my faith, to ask God to ensure that I made it home.
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name...