Chapter 22

How did it all happen? Falling in love with a man, to now being alone and feeling ten times worse because I can’t see him. My days have been nothing compared to having him in my life. What a significant part of my world he has become. I never loved Derrick, I knew that from the beginning he was pure lust. Nothing more. Connick, on the other hand, is more, he’s just more.

I’ve tried to work out whether or not he knows my secrets? The ones I didn’t even believe to be true, until a week ago, when my mother came to me to tell me she had the knife.

The dream has been playing over and over again in my head, making it feel even more real, making me wonder what else I could have done, and is my evil as bad as the rest of them?

I didn’t want to be evil. I didn’t want to have an illness. I just wanted to be normal.

Normal. That word seems to be overrated. Those who say that word, are they normal? They don’t live in hell surrounded by demons who claw at actual skin, waiting for that precise moment to jump in.

I remember seeing Alice in Wonderland at school when I was a child, and I often wished I could fall down that same rabbit hole she did. To have someone love you as the Mad Hatter loved her. He cared for her, and that was the love I’d never have. I’ve never been able to watch that movie again. To have that fascination stuck in my head forever and ever would do more harm than good.

Maybe that’s why I am sick. My mind knew it and wanted to escape, and there was only one way to do it.

I’m better now, I have been for a long time. Apart from that one incident in my life, I’m steady. Steady is what I want, and it’s the reason why I never push for more in my life. I’m sure I could have done the whole college thing. I could’ve worked two jobs to put myself through. Again, I chose not to.

I’ve been such a ‘yes girl’ for most of my life, but as of late I’ve learned to say no. A lot of that is to do with Connick, a man who slowly peeled pieces of me away and nestled himself under my skin. It was a slow burn, yet it all happened so fast. I didn’t love him straight away, that’s what the foolish girls do, and I don’t want to be foolish.

Maybe I could run away to Wonderland and leave my heart behind because I don’t really understand how to use it in the sense of the word love. Maybe I’m just as lost as Alice. Lost in this world, lost in love.

Each day as I get out of bed, I’ve been waking up later and later. I think it’s my desire to not wake up at all kicking in. Today is my day off. I hate having the day off because there’s nothing to keep me occupied. I’m not going back to his gym or his restaurant. Basically, I don’t want to go anywhere that I can run into him.

Let’s face it, we would talk, I would swoon, and I would fall straight back into his bed.

Today, I’ve decided to go to the hairdresser’s. I haven’t been to one for what feels like forever. Walking in and sitting down, the lady starts washing my hair and giving me a deep scalp massage. I’m almost asleep again when a voice startles me. Opening my eyes and looking around, I spot Nicole having her blonde hair bleached. The lady washing my hair starts to speak, but I don’t hear a word she’s saying because my eyes and mind are trained on Nicole. She obviously feels my stare because she turns around and her eyes widen in surprise, then she quickly turns away and starts typing furiously on her phone.

Just my luck, the day I decide to leave my house and try to be a normal person, I see the bitch. I’m not a physical person but she brings out the worst in me, just like her boyfriend. Trying to sit up while the lady’s still washing my hair is a bad idea because I get shampoo in my eyes, making them sting. She apologizes profoundly, and I feel bad for her because it was totally my fault.

“I’m sorry, but I need to leave,” I tell her apologizing.

She asks if she can rinse my hair out first, and I tell her yes. Once she has me in a position where I’m ready to leave, I hand her a big tip. As I walk out the door, I spot him, and he also spots me. In his hand is a bouquet of lilies. How on earth could he have purchased one so fast? He speaks my name, and I try to block him out while attempting to walk away in the other direction. Derrick says my name louder a second time, and people start looking. I stop, turn around and wait for him to reach me. My hands are clenched at my sides, my nails slowly digging into my palms. He smiles that awful smile at me, and I want to run the other way and never look back. But I know he’ll just keep on chasing me.

How does he even know where to find me all the time? Although, this time, I guess the answer to that question is easy, just like her—Nicole.

“Mil,” he says my name like we’re lovers, but we’re anything but.

“What do you want, Derrick?” I have to know so I can get as far away from him as possible. The flowers drop down to his side, he reaches a hand out to touch my cheek and I step back, not wanting his hands on me at all. He clucks his tongue when I do so.

“You got my message?” I just stare at him and don’t answer. I find it's best to not feed the dogs and Derrick is a dog I can’t get rid of. “Has he told you who he is?” Again, I don’t answer him. What’s the point, he’ll never give me a straight answer anyway. He’s just fishing, waiting to reel me in. “I’ll give it back to you… the knife, Mil. If you agree to meet me back where you left me.”

My head answers by shaking no, but my mind is screaming yes. He has something, something that could put me behind bars for the rest of my life. It’s not something I want in his hands, even if he has had it for all this time. He’s been waiting for the right opportunity to use it against me, that’s just how Derrick works. You wouldn’t think he was smart just by looking at him. Actually, he has the ‘preppy boy, know-it-all’ look down pat, but clearly, he’s used his looks to get where he is. I’ve been told his father is exactly the same, bullheaded.

“Why?” I can feel the blood running over my hands like it happened minutes ago, but it didn’t, and he knows it. He knows my weaknesses, and I hate that about him. His eyes look down to my hands then back up to my eyes.

“We never had a proper goodbye,” is all he says.

“Tomorrow.”

He attempts to hand me the lilies again, and I shake my head.

“You loved them, Mil.”

“I used to.” I hope he gets my meaning that I used to like him as well. That’s all in the past now. He walks away and as he does, Nicole steps out of the salon and looks to me then to him. I don’t care about her reaction because I start running as fast as my feet can take me, all the way home.

The moment my stairs come into view relief washes over me. Then as I draw closer, slowing down my pace, my heart doesn’t stop beating erratically. Connick is sitting on my stairs, his black eye gone, the black cap he used to wear sits on his head covering his eyes.

He stands when I walk closer, and he looks like shit. Like he hasn’t slept for days. I must have stolen his sleep with all of mine. I try walking past him and up to my door, but I can hear his boots on the stairs as he follows me, and I can feel his breathing behind me.

Unlocking the door and stepping through I turn to shut it, but the moment I set eyes on him, I start to fight a war raging within myself. I’ve wanted him from the moment I laid eyes on him. I’ve wanted him even after he’s lied to me. I’ve wanted him when he’s trapped me. And I want him right now. I didn’t think I could have one partner—sex with one person. I could fuck him for the rest of my life and be happy with just him. That’s what this means to me. He sees my resolve and takes it as his opening by stepping inside my house, and straight back into my heart. The moment his hands touch me I know I’m fucked yet again. I’m about to give myself to him. I’m about to let him take me and do with me as he pleases.

“Milanka.” The way he says my name has always bugged me, it’s always so straightforward and formal, except when he says it because he wants me. It holds an allure to it then.

Within moments I’m stripping off my clothes, and as he shuts the door, my sense and sensibility leave me.

He waits until I’m fully undressed before he descends, catching me at my weakest then he whispers into my ear, “Tell me you won’t leave me again?”

I nod my head fast, pulling at his shirt then yanking on his pants. He leaves his hat on, it won’t get in the way. We never kiss on the lips anyway. His beautiful mocha skin comes into contact with mine. It’s like we’re a canvas and we’re about to do dirty, dirty things.

He doesn’t waste any time picking me up, kissing my neck. A lot of the time our sex is hard and fast, but it’s never the last time as he always fucks me more than once. Usually twice, and sometimes up to three times in one night, and every time he makes my knees weak and my legs shake.

I’ve been with a lot of men, I’ve never denied that. But being with Connick, it’s like standing in the rain with lightning strikes zapping all around you, and you know any second that one of those lightning strikes is about to hit you and you’re going to love every minute of it. He bruises my back slamming me into the wall as he fucks me, I try not to look at him because if I do, I’ll be zapped and taken under his spell.

My hands run up and down his biceps to his shoulders. His arms, they’re so strong, so powerful. His hand comes between us and he applies pressure to my clit, it’s not long before my nails start digging into his skin. He moves me up the wall, keeping me around his waist. Then he threads his fingers through my hair, and he pulls at it making my neck snap backward, and he licks a long line from between my breasts to the top of my neck. We’re both exhausted, mentally and physically, but he manages to carry me to my bedroom and he lays me down with him next to me. I’m too tired to tell him to go, too exhausted to remove his hands as they circle around to me, comforting me when I know he shouldn’t be.

Connick is savage, I’ve come to learn this.

He doesn’t relent, even when he should.

I’ve left him.

I tell him to leave me alone, but he doesn’t listen to any of it. He makes up his own mind and does as he pleases.

He scares me.

He frightens me.

He steals me.

I let him.

That’s a part of love, isn’t it? We’re all blind to it. We forgive, even when we shouldn’t.

I would never tell him.

Ever.

My love for him will be locked tight and he’ll never see it. I’m good at keeping secrets, and I would lie straight to his face if I had to. If it’s to protect myself, I’ll do it. I’ve been fighting a game of survival all my life, and just because a man with a black hat walks into it, doesn’t mean I won’t stop fighting. It doesn’t mean I’ll hand over my heart on a platter. It’s mine. Even if it calls for someone else.

He can’t have it.