Lillian

Shit. She saw us.

“Mommy?”

I scramble to grab the blanket and cover us up. But I’m sure she already saw more than she should have. “Hey, honey,” I stammer, trying not to sound completely out of it. “What are you doing up? You should be sleeping.”

“I couldn’t sleep anymore. It was noisy.” She rubs her eyes, and says, “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, honey.” I nudge Hanson to get off me and snatch a night robe off the floor next to my bed, slipping it on as I get out of bed.

She blinks a couple of times, staring at us. “But … isn’t that the man who gave me Mr. Puddlewuddle?”

I rub my lips together, wondering how I’m going to explain this. She saw me turn into an emotional wreck every time he came close to her. She saw me get mad and yell. I can’t even imagine what’s going through her head right now. She must be so confused. But I don’t want to lie either.

“Yes, Daisy. That’s him,” I say, willing the blush on my face to go away.

“But I thought you said you didn’t want me to talk to him? Now he’s here in our house,” she says, yawning.

Guilt eats me up as I grab her tiny hand and pull her out of the room, leaving him behind. “Mommy can explain, but let’s get you some warm milk first.”

I help her downstairs and into the kitchen where I settle her on a seat before I take the milk from the fridge to warm up in the microwave.

“So is he a stranger or not?” Daisy suddenly asks.

I pause. “He’s your daddy.”

“My daddy?” Her voice fluctuates in tone, and I know exactly why.

I told her she didn’t have a daddy, but she did. Once.

I give her the mug and sit down with her. “I know I told you he was gone, but he wasn’t gone forever … just for a long time.”

“Oh, so I do have a daddy?”

“Mmmhmm.” I don’t know what to say. He’s a criminal. Not someone to look up to. How could she ever call him her daddy?

Hanson follows us downstairs in his pants, watching from the sidelines. He studies her closely but doesn’t take another step.

“How come he never came to visit?”

“I couldn’t.” Hanson speaks up, but the moment he does, he immediately shuts his mouth again as if surprised by his own words. He takes a step back again and gazes at his feet, probably wondering if he should stay or go. If he’s even welcome here.

“It’s okay,” I say, adding a soft smile. “You can come closer.”

“You sure? I don’t want to—”

“It’s too late to take back what we did,” I say.

He takes a deep breath and nods, then approaches.

“Hey, Daisy,” he says as she watches him with a curious look on her face. “So I take it you liked the stuffed toy?”

“Love it,” she says, revealing the plush from underneath her shirt. “He wants me to carry him with me.”

“Oh, does he now?” Hanson smiles, and for some reason, it ignites a warmth inside my heart I didn’t know I could feel.

Damn.

I’m falling hard when I really shouldn’t.

There’s so much wrong with everything that’s happening right now, but what can I do? What’s done is done, and I can’t change the past. The only thing I can do is make sure the future is better. That her future is guaranteed to be okay. That she’s happy. That’s all that matters.

And I think he knows that too.

He places his hand over hers and squeezes softly. “I’ve missed you.”

She smiles. “So you’re really my daddy?”

I guess it’s hard for her to believe, but he nods, laughing. She was too young to remember him, but now she’ll probably never forget.

“But Mommy said you—”

“Mommy said a lot of things to protect you, sweetie,” he interrupts. “And for good reasons.”

“How come you were away for so long?” she asks, raising a brow.

“Daddy had to do something important,” he says, cocking his head. “I’ll tell you when you’re older.”

“Aw …”

“Daisy,” I say, trying to distract her, “Do you remember the card? In the mailbox?”

Her eyes light up. “Oh! Can I read it?”

“Yes, go grab it!” I say, and she immediately pulls her hand out from underneath Hanson’s and runs off to the mailbox just outside the door. I’m not afraid she’ll run off with him here. She’s way too curious.

Hanson breathes a sigh of relief. “I’ve missed this. Us. Together.”

“Then maybe you shouldn’t have—”

“I had no other choice!” he says harshly.

It’s silent for a while until he clears his throat, and says, “I apologize. I shouldn’t have yelled.”

I bite the inside of my cheek, unsure how to respond. He should know by now how I feel about all of this. That none of it should’ve ever happened. But here we are anyway, sitting in my kitchen and pretending we’re not a completely fucked-up family.

“It’s a card from Daddy!” Daisy says cheerfully as she runs back toward us, flailing the card around in her hands.

“And what does it say?” I ask.

“That he likes seeing me happy and that he wants to buy me more toys!” she says, and she makes the cutest squee sound ever. “Thank you!” She jumps up and down in front of Hanson.

“You’re welcome, kid.” He tousles her hair, making her giggle.

While she finishes her milk and keeps reading the card over and over again, it grows quiet.

“So what now?” I ask, gazing at him. “You know you can’t stay.”

He takes a deep breath. “I know. I just want you to know the truth.”

A pang of guilt surges through me. I immediately get off my seat and grab Daisy’s hand. “C’mon, time to go back to bed.”

“But I don’t wanna. I wanna stay with you guys,” she protests, but she doesn’t need to hear this.

I stop halfway to the staircase. “It’s time for some grown-up talk, Daisy. You’re not old enough yet.”

“Aww but I wanna know too!” She crosses her arms and pouts.

I let out a breath and bend over to her level. “You will, one day. I promise. When you’re older.”

“Promise?” She gazes up at me with big bug eyes.

“Promise,” I say, winking. Then I hug her tight and kiss her on the forehead. “Now, go on. Back to bed.”

She nods and runs back up the stairs, and I stay to watch her close the door to her room as well before I return my attention toward Hanson.

Rubbing my lips, I casually saunter toward him and place my hand on the table. “The truth.”

“Yes. I’ve wanted to explain everything to you for so long—”

“What’s there to explain? You’re a murderer, plain and simple.” I grab the mug sitting on the table and bring it to the counter. I don’t need to hear an explanation. Not for killing people. There is no reason. No way to talk this right. He left his family the moment he made that decision, and I cannot forgive him for that.

“He was a criminal, and you know that,” Hanson says.

I almost smash the mug right there and then, but I manage to stop myself. Barely.

“That doesn’t make it okay,” I say, spinning on my heels so I can look him in the eyes. “You killed a man. Nothing he did makes that okay.”

His face darkens. “Did you forget what he almost did to Daisy and countless other girls at the daycare?”

“Stop. I don’t wanna hear it,” I say, looking away. I’m already glad I found out in time to save my little girl. I can’t imagine what she would’ve had to endure if the cops hadn’t arrested that man when they did. And those poor other girls … God, I don’t even wanna think about it.

“Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away,” Hanson says, pulling me from my thoughts.

“I haven’t ignored it!” I slam my fist on the counter. I know I’m yelling. I just have to pray to God she can’t hear me right now. “I’ve seen what it’s done to the other girls and what it almost did to Daisy. I’ve lived with the consequences of choosing that fucking daycare. I know what I almost did to her.” Tears fill my eyes. “What about you? Do you know?”

“I’ve done my best.”

“So have I,” I hiss back. “You. Weren’t. Here.”

I want him to know how much I hate him and how much it hurts.

Or at least how much I want to hate him.

“I wanted to be. More than anything,” he says after a while.

“Then maybe you shouldn’t have killed that guy,” I say through gritted teeth. If it wasn’t for him and his choice, none of this would’ve happened. Instead, I had to lie to my little girl about her daddy.

“I had no other choice,” he says.

“There’s always another choice,” I spit back as rage bubbles to the surface.

“No.” He takes a few steps toward me and makes a fist. “This was the only choice. You wanna know why? Her.” He points at the stairs.

I shake my head. “Don’t you bring her into this.”

He moves in closer, right up to my face. “She is the reason. And I’d do it all over again if it had the same result.”

“Why?” I ask, tears rolling down my cheeks.

He grabs my jawline with both hands and stares me down. “She’s alive.”

My lips part as I try to understand his words. Alive? What does he mean? “But—”

I suck in a breath, realizing what he means.

“I killed him to save her.”