∞ Colin ∞

I feel like a little boy chickening out, but it was the right thing to do. Not, because Jo’s friends showed up. Not, because I wanted to spare her from being embarrassed.

It was the right thing to do to show her it was nothing more than just one night, and nothing else.

A one-night-stand.

Nothing more.

I know what Rabisu told her while using me. And that was the exact same reason, why I had to leave her high and dry, and not on a high note. Why I needed her to crash and burn, and for her to regret us.

Jo needs to be hurt and needs to dislike me, so she doesn’t come back for more. Because it’s wrong: It would be me using an innocent girl, a woman. I cannot give her the life she deserves or wants. Theo’s little sister always wanted to become a vet. She dreamt of taking over the animal clinic, of getting married, and having children, of a white picket fence, I guess. And that is what I cannot give her. Not, when I have this parasite living inside me, that needs to be contained.

Still, I can hear her exclaiming my name as if it has just happened. It might be Rabisu, tormenting me; he loves that, it’s his personal entertainment to make me hear things, see things, even feel things. But not this time. The demon is sleeping, deeply. Last night was a banquet for him. It has been a long time since he has fed on that kind of energy.

I feel guilty for saying this, but I should probably change my mind about staying abstinent when it has that kind of effect on him. It’s almost as if he’s not even there, which is a rare opportunity. Because, now I can start to draw the runes, signs, and words. I need to rebuild the cage from which he escaped by using me as a vessel. I’ve tried before, and he stopped me from continuing. Rabisu took away my control over my own hands and voice. He made me hit myself until I bled. Knocking me out was only a warning. He was nice.

The downside of Rabisu being sated like this is him being stronger. When I starve him, he barely tries to take over, until he is mad with hunger. He saves his strength for when I make a mistake or am too tired to fight him, and then, terrible things happen. Things that are my fault because I pushed him too far.

Rabisu makes me relive these moments when he is furious with me. And if he knew what I am doing behind his back right now, he would show me those things.

It’s worse than nightmares.

I prefer those to reliving these experiences over again. Rabisu makes me feel what he felt. The arousal and satisfaction, this indescribable rapture when he feeds on the energy of violence and lust. Rabisu is not the perpetrator. He’s worse. He is the one inspiring them, helping them to commit the crime and then enjoying the outcome.

The first time was the worst.

It’s the worst because you’ll never forget the first time, any first time. Because you’re not prepared, you couldn’t imagine it until you became a part of it. And, although I was a prisoner in my own body, I still feel responsible for what happened.

If I hadn’t tried to starve him to death, and if I hadn’t attempted to kill myself, if I had done more research and thought this through, I would have been able to prevent it by not going for it in the first place.

But I didn’t.

All I knew back then was Rabisu became weaker the more time I spend alone, without any contact. He grew weaker when I stopped watching the news and gave up looking at porn mags.

I remembered how he introduced himself to me and took away just that: lust and violence, which is love and war to him.

He went through all the different stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

At least, that’s what I thought back then.

In truth, Rabisu only waited. He waited for me to make a mistake so that he could take over again and teach me a lesson. Maybe, all of this is only to show me what would happen, if I tried to get rid of him, if I acted against his interests, and most importantly: If I ever attempted to kill myself again.

They had called me a miracle at the hospital, where they had brought me to after they pulled me from the pit. I had no memory, no recollection of how long I had been down there, or what I did. All I knew was that I couldn’t speak even though I was perfectly fine. No sound came from my throat, no matter how hard I tried. And he took away my ability to move my legs, just to be sure that I wouldn’t do anything stupid. The rest was mine to have; to watch TV, read, and eat. I didn’t do the latter, so they fed me through a tube to keep me alive.

Rabisu explained to me that he didn’t want anyone to believe that I had gone mad, talking about being possessed by a demon. And he didn’t want me to do anything stupid, so he prevented me from walking.

Doctors said it was the shock.

Survivor’s remorse.

That was also the explanation for what they saw, as they found me a second time. But it also made my superiors decide to send me to a specialized hospital, which was officially rehabilitation.

I will never forget the first moment I felt being in control of my legs again.

I didn’t know and still don’t how it all happened. Maybe the demon inside me made a mistake. Perhaps, it had something to do with the medicine I got. I should have tried to find out, but I didn’t think straight. I just ran. I threw on clothes and ran out into the desert. I only knew I had to get as far away from humans as possible.

Thinking back on this I feel so stupid now. Rabisu was weak back then. All I should have done was wait until he was so weakened that I could talk. But you always know better afterward.

I ran out into the desert so that I would die from starvation and thirst, because I thought that was the only way to get rid of a parasite inside of me, leeching off my body. But a demon is not a physical creature, it is more like a spirit that lives off spiritual energy, such as emotions. So, when I broke down, in the middle of the night, shaking, and freezing, I believed that I had done the right thing.

When I saw men wearing shawls and sand-colored clothing, fighting, and killing each other with knives and bare hands, I believed that I was seeing memories of the parasite inside of me.

That was until I recognized my own voice talking in a language I only heard when sneaking up on my enemy, egging them to rape one of their own, that I knew it was real.

These people had found me, they had fed me, and given me water. They had saved me from death. And now, they were paying for it.

Somehow, this demon inside of me had incited them to fight each other to death over the one woman that had been with them. And when half of their group was dead or was dying, they raped her, in front of me.

All I could do was watch, listen, and feel his ecstasy as he was fed, growing stronger every second, while she was screaming, while they abused her in every way possible. I expected him to shut me down, to put me to sleep, but he didn’t. I only realized I was back in control when I had already rendered every single one of them unconscious and was bashing one’s face in with my fists. He didn’t say or do anything when I decided my victim was dead and continued with the next, while the woman’s sobs were the only cheers I needed to go on.

I knew that night already Rabisu hadn’t brought me back because I was the most skilled killing machine of my seal team. He had chosen me because I was the one most furious, and in constant war with myself. I didn’t want to accept the undeniable truth: That this creature infesting my soul with darkness would never die since I would never stop being angry. Angry at the world for being such a cruel and unjust place, at my dad beating my mom, at my mom drinking because of it; and at my little brother for depending on me. I am still furious at my father for getting his easy way out, for my mother suffering, and at my brother for running away.

I enlisted because I had hoped that I would get rid of my anger, but they only saw it as potential in me. So I used this fury to do something just, to save people, only for it to make me a victim of a creature that fed on the energy I created fighting to keep that anger in check.

And now, now I am angry at Jo for showing up last night, although it’s not her fault. It only makes me even more furious at myself for being hijacked by a frigging Babylonian demon. It’s not my fault either. It was a freak coincidence. But then again, if I weren't so angry all the time, Rabisu wouldn’t have picked me.

 

∞ Jo ∞

I still can’t believe that Colin ran out on me. I haven’t told Liz and Marge because I am embarrassed. Again, I can’t stop my brain from repeating over and over what just happened, while I am sitting in the backseat next to Liz, while Marge’s husband is driving us home. Marge called him right away after I lied to my girls about throwing up. I’m doing my best to not actually do it thanks to the rocky ride home. I pray that I keep it together until I fall into my bed.

The last thing I need is my parents noticing that I got drunk. My dad will just be judging me silently, and my mother will be annoying worried that someone used that to their advantage to trick me into having sex. At least I will not have to lie about that because I, sure as hell, wasn’t deceived.

It was all my naughty-ish dreams had been about, and more… so much more. It only makes me want to do it again.

I know what Colin vanishing means.

This was only sex.

He maybe was even drunk, not realizing what he was doing. However, it felt as if he knew exactly what he was doing.

So, he doesn’t do relationships. I can deal with that. After all, I just was broken up with. He doesn’t do romance, or vanilla, or gentle.

Fine by me.

I can do that. I don’t need to be a ‘good girl.’

That what just happened was far from right, it was pure bad, devilish sex, and I want more of that. I didn’t know I was into that kind of sex until Colin showed me. Maybe that’s what I really need right now. Maybe that’s the only thing he’s interested in right now. I can imagine the both of us meeting up for nothing but hot, naughty sex. Thinking of that makes me feel all needy again, even more, desperate than I was when I was getting drunk and fantasizing of coincidentally running into Colin and finally have sex with him.

“Are you okay?” Marge asks me, she has turned around in her front seat, checking on us. “You look as if you are burning up. Do we need to pull over?”

“No, I’m fine, I’m fine,” I babble. “I just want to go to bed. I’m tired.”

Tired and horny, that is.

That’s when I realize I could walk over to Colin’s house after they drop me off, and wait for him to get home so that I can try and seduce him into repeating what he just did to me. The only problem is if he’s on foot, he probably will need four times as long as we do, which means he’ll be home in two hours. And even if he is driving, it doesn’t mean that he will head straight home, right?

I should be reasonable and just go to bed because I probably will fall asleep on his porch and what then? Mom will be freaking out. Unless she thinks I am in bed. I guess that’s the reason you shouldn’t make any decisions when drunk. But I’m not that drunk.

My stance is steady as I wave my girls farewell and my mom opens the door to my back. She’s beaming at me, because – apparently – I got home earlier than she feared, and my dad expected. But that’s little ole me, the ‘good girl.’ And said a girl like that kisses her mom and dad goodnight and gets ready for bed. With the only difference that once the light on my nightstand is out, I climb out of my window.

Standing on the roof, I am battling with myself about whether to turn around or climb onto the large branch of the ancient tree next to our house. It’s the easiest, mainly since both tree and I have grown a lot ever since I’ve first tried to sneak out. The only difference now is that I am a grown up and could just walk out of the front door because this is my life. But I don’t want my parents to worry.

So, I pull my knitted jacket closer around my body and start climbing the tree, realizing that I have underestimated the temperature drop a little and that I should have chosen PJs over a nightgown. Yet, if I turn around now, I won’t have the courage anymore, to actually follow through with my plan.

Again, angel and devil battle each other inside my head, with the angel being a complete kill-joy, telling me that if Colin already ran out on me once, he will probably leave me standing on his porch, making me second-guess myself. But all the devil needs to do is remind me of the mind-blowing sex I just had.

I realize I completely underestimated the distance between our properties when the light of our porch is vanishing from my view and the only light I have is the full moon. Luckily, I thought of taking my phone with me, but when I switch on the screen, it’s turning me blind in the darkness around me.

I fight the urge to turn around.

I should have taken my bike.

Quickly, I switch off the display, and the night is drowning me in darkness again. My heart is beating in my chest, and I feel a bit dizzy. It might be fear. It might be the booze coursing through my veins. My hair starts to stand up straight.

I should turn around.

Just because we are far away from any civilization doesn’t mean that nothing can happen to me.

Right at that moment, I listen to the angel pleading to me, I see two small cones of light in the distance that catches my attention. Headlights.

I don’t even think when I start walking towards them, and they grow larger faster than I move.

This could be Colin driving up to his house. It could be someone else passing by.

I clench my hands into fists and get ready to leap into the dirt, should the car head right towards me.

My heart is pumping.

My breathing turns erratic. And relief almost makes me faint, when the headlights turn and shine onto a porch a few hundred yards away.

It must be Colin.

And I’m not sitting on his porch as I wanted to, blocking his way, so he can’t ignore me while I suggest to him that we could be friends with benefits.

I should turn around.

 

∞ Colin ∞

I must admit being possessed by a demon does have its perks, too, but only if he is asleep and satisfied. Now, I try to increase my knowledge about all this stuff, such as demons, possession, law, and legend, just to get an idea of how this works. Since that is the kind of knowledge Rabisu likes to keep from me. Me being able to use my parasite’s skills and strengths is so that I can protect the demon’s vessel and make sure it’s fed.

The downside is that Rabisu needs violence or sex, or preferably both at the same time and that’s not something I feel comfortable with.

However, the heightened senses, the language, the fighting skills are something I could use for good if Rabisu would only let me.

As he does now when he allows me to see that figure in the distance, wearing a white nightgown and a knitted jacket, walking towards my home. Although I can’t see her face, I instantly know it’s Jo, who is stepping down the path between our houses, because who else would it be?

She has to know that I will blow her off. She must be drunk for still doing this. Though, when thinking of the fresh night air and the distance, she might be halfway sober by now.

I should merely collect her with my car and drive her back home.

The new me would, not the old one. Jo’s brother’s best friend would have picked her up and brought her back home, saying that she wanted it, afterward. But the past me wasn’t possessed, wasn’t a captive of an evil entity that might jump over to her body. That idea is even worse than actually being this demon’s prisoner: Infecting someone else with it.

And then the possibility of impregnating a woman, the mere thought of it… getting HER pregnant of all people. I don’t know why the idea of getting Jo pregnant with a demon baby is worse than if she was any other woman. But it is.

This exactly makes me stop in my tracks. I was about to switch off the engine and just get back to work on the cage I am building in the cellar because Rabisu is fast asleep and I don’t know when I will get another chance like this. But then, I need to get her into my car and drive her to the next pharmacy to get an emergency pill so that she won’t get pregnant.

That possibility is now hanging over my head like a hangman’s noose. All I want is to get inside and lock out the world as I do every single day ever since I got back, but a part of me is screaming at me that I owe it to Theo to make sure that his cute little, hot, and utterly irresistible sister is safe.

I do not know what has gotten into me. And I am not talking about the demon possessing me. Maybe it is Rabisu, who is playing with my mind and senses.

All I am doing is sitting in my car, with a running engine, headlights on, and staring at her over my left shoulder, while she continues walking up towards me. This is like in my nightmares in which I can’t stop the horrible things from happening. Just like me having to watch Rabisu using my body to fuck her. But the second part, me fucking her, too, was not part of that nightmare. It’s still killing me. How he enjoyed it. The sounds she made.

I know I want to repeat it.

The old me would.

But I know I can’t. It would be reckless and ruthless. I would put Jo in danger. Feed her to the demon.

Thinking of Rabisu, I realize that he is entirely silent. The only thing telling me that he is still here, inside me, is that I can use his abilities for my benefit, which painfully reminds me calling him a parasite is wrong per definition. If he were, I would receive nothing in return, but I do. I’m practically immortal.

Immortal. Yes, I’ve known pretty much from the start that I cannot die, that I’m faster and stronger, I heal quick, I speak many mostly dead languages, I’m proficient in fighting techniques barely anyone knows of. But, right this second, I haven’t realized that I am immortal. I was so busy with trying to come up with a way to die or get rid of Rabisu that I haven’t thought this through.

Yet, it still doesn’t change the fact that I can’t put her in danger. Not even if having sex with her ends in Rabisu being dead silent. I can barely understand that I’m hesitating to consider this at all.

I am because he has never been this silent before, this fast asleep. I shouldn’t be sitting in my car right now, I should be in my cellar, starting to initiate the spells that enchant the seal sigils that will eventually incarcerate Rabisu.

 

∞ Jo ∞

If I can trust my eyes, Colin hasn’t gotten out his car just yet. Has he seen me? Is he waiting for me?

Or is this just coincidence? Maybe even fate?

No, that would be ridiculous.

Colin has never had a crush on me like I had on him. I doubt that. Colin got every girl he wanted, and he never tried to seduce me.

So, he never wanted me.

Until tonight.

I am silly for doing this. The ride back home almost knocked me out, but my walk towards Colin’s house turned me almost sober again. Enough to make me stop walking and start staring.

My knees turn wobbly as I think of what happened at the Ol’ Tavern and the toll the booze took on me. I’m not sure if I can move at all. I want to sit down, but I don’t because I have no idea what I would be sitting on and whether I will be able to stand up again.

“Crap, crap, crap!” I hiss at myself and continue walking before I make the decision.

When I get there, I can still act all innocent and ask him to drive me back home. That always works for me. I have that kind of face; a ‘good girl’ look. No one expects me to even have a dirty mind. I hate that, but then again, it does have its upsides.

Like now, hopefully.

I fixate on the headlights and march towards them as if I am a little ship on the open sea, eager to find my safe-haven. And when I finish that thought, the lights die, and I am drowned in the darkness of the light once again. Fuck.

I trip over something and barely manage to keep the balance.

“Fuck!” Yes, I said that one out loud.

Hopefully, Colin heard that. Or maybe, not.

I wish I had some liquor with me to reignite my confidence, but instead, the effect fades, and I grow more scared with every step.

Did I hear a car door being slammed shut?

“Colin?” It was meant to be me shouting, but it came out as a croak; no way he heard that.

I am such an idiot, but I can’t back down now. I’m closer to him than I am to home.

What the hell was I thinking? Oh, right, I wasn’t thinking. At least not with my brain.

I’m not going to back down now. Nope, that’s not happening. I’ll do what I thought of the moment I climbed out that window. If I embarrass myself, I can always blame it on the booze.

I continue walking at a fast pace, bracing myself to fall on my knees any second, but I can’t stop now. I don’t want to. I always played it safe, since it was the right thing to do.

However, when it comes to Colin, I feel like an addict who just got her fix after years of abstinence.

I should be the proper girl my parents taught me to be, but I really don’t want to. I’ve always felt as if the idea they had of me was not who I really am. I tried to be me at college, but I turned out to be a weird mixture of what my parents expected and how I felt I should be. And now, being reduced to someone Colin just had to have. I want to be that person. A woman, which men can’t help themselves but want, need, and to make their own. Like a siren, a succubus, a temptation in a human body.

That’s the reason I am walking to Colin’s house, because he of all people, the only guy I ever wanted to ravish me, made me feel like I’m this mythological creature: a temptation, a powerful seductress. And I want to feel like that again.