Chapter 1
Elise
I’d been walking around on cloud nine for several years now, especially since a special man named Ford Kelly walked into my life. We met when my mother dearest shipped me off to Humble, Texas, and hadn’t been apart since.
Four years had passed, and I was happier than I ever thought I could or would be. With Ford by my side, I no longer had any bad days. Surrounded in our little cocoon, we were protected from the things we had already bypassed in our lives. It was a good feeling, to say the least.
Waking in a man’s arms was one place I never thought I’d be, so I knew how blessed I was. I didn’t wish for it, and I couldn’t put the feeling into words, but I assure you, I wouldn’t trade it for all the stars in the sky.
Ford and I were more in love than ever. I was ready to finish school so we could officially start our life. Not that we had any grand plans, no, but we just wanted to live our life.
I moved into his small apartment in Rockwall, the college town twenty miles from Humble, to go to school just as he was finishing. He had gone ahead of me for his teaching degree and wanted to reach out to the kids in the community. Plus, he would coach football in a totally different way from how he had been taught. His hope was to change how things were done by preventing the kids from feeling like they had to play. He wanted to guide them through other choices.
When the other college students were partying, we were in our apartment spending time together and planning our future. Everything was crystal clear, and there wasn’t a single doubt in either of our minds that we were it for each other. I knew without a second’s thought he was who I wanted.
Our passion had only grown stronger for each other, just like our love. I had been told it would fade, but it hadn’t. On the contrary, in fact. I still had butterflies in my stomach when he was in my presence, and the rapid heartbeat when he was moving toward me for a kiss. He had me completely enthralled.
Somehow, someway I had done something right in my life to have him in my life.
Sometimes in life, things represented the significance, the right things in your life more than others. We had definitely met our share of challenges, but dealing with my past only made it more apparent that we were right for each other. Trust wasn’t something I took lightly.
Yes, we were young, but hell, if it was right, it was right. And I would attest to that until the day I die.
I have been going to school for accounting and was ready to finish. I had always been good with numbers but didn’t necessarily want to work with them the rest of my life. Honestly, if I could’ve, I would have insisted on staying at the farm to help Terry and Carol and said to hell with college. It wasn’t for everyone, and I couldn’t say it was for me even after two long, stupid years. I wanted to drop out several times because I didn’t see the point.
I was currently finishing up my two-year college degree, strictly because I had promised Thad, my late brother. College was never part of my plan, and he knew it, which was why he made sure he influenced me.
I’d be lying if I said a day went by when I didn’t miss Thad, my brother. I lost him to leukemia not long after I moved to Humble. He was my rock, and now, Ford filled the void, but not in the same way as Thad had. I knew my brother was looking down and smiling at me, though, and that pleased me immensely. He would have loved the way my boyfriend treated me.
“Do you ever think about how good things are now and are afraid that …?” I muttered to him, thinking out loud.
“Yes. Of course, I do.”
He turned to look me in the eyes. His crystal blue eyes that had never hurt me. They were the most honest eyes I had ever looked into.
“Everything has gone so good since we’ve started our lives together, and I can’t help but think that something is going to ruin it. Like I’m cursed or not allowed to be happy.”
“You can’t think that way, sweetheart. So you’ve been dealt a bad hand before, but it only made you a stronger person. Do I wish you hadn’t gone through all that? Sure.”
I nodded my head, listening. Ford had mastered the art of reassuring me and putting my mind at ease.
While others might mock my misfortunes, thankful they didn’t have to go through them, I was proud to say I pushed through. I sure as hell hoped the last twenty years of shit-eating obstacles I had faced had been met because, by some miracle, they didn’t beat me down.
He took his thumb and ran it over my cheek like he had done so many times before.
“I will make sure you stay happy, Elise. I love you. We have nothing but good times ahead of us.”
“How can you be so sure? I mean what if …?”
“What if nothing, and that isn’t going to change. We are going to get married and live to be old people, driving each other insane.”
“I wish I could believe that.”
He moved closer and kissed me sweetly, taking control of the situation in an attempt to prove the words he was saying.
He pulled away and held my gaze, wanting me to feel the intensity and the power of his thoughts. “I believe it, and maybe that is all we need.”
*****
When I left Carol and Terry’s and moved into the apartment with Ford, I was able to leave my nightmares behind. Bryan had frequented my nights for far too long, and even though I had been intimate with Ford, it was hard, very hard. Luckily, Bryan had become a ghost, and in most cases, I was able to chase him out of my thoughts.
Bryan began to move his hand up my thigh, ignoring my full body shudder.
“Bryan, I’d better get going.” I tried to stand unsuccessfully.
His grip on my thigh tightened, and he started to move closer to my face, making sure I heard his words. “You’re not going anywhere.”
“Bryan … what is going on? You are really scaring me. This isn’t you.”
He smiled and then moved his lips to mine, pushing his tongue in against my resistance. I tried to jerk my head back and turned away to get him to stop. My friend, who I had trusted—how could he do this to me? Why would he do this to me?
“Stop wiggling, Elise. I’ve seen all your signs, your body language every day.”
“Are you insane?”
“No, baby, I’m not.” He began to kiss my neck.
“I’m serious, Bryan. Get the hell off me. I’m not kidding.”
I began pulling back while trying to get my feet up to kick him away. It wasn’t working; he was stronger than I was, and I felt the tears filling my eyes, another sign of my weakness. He could overpower me, and he damn well knew it.
“You’re still a virgin, aren’t you, baby?”
“I’m not your baby. And for the record, you know everything about me!” Of course, he knew I was a virgin.
He pulled me down on the couch then crawled on top of me and tried to bite my lip to kiss me. I studied his eyes to try to guess his next move.
“You’ll be my baby here when I take you in a few minutes,” he growled. How could he do this to me? I was helpless; I was weak in spirit and body, defenseless.
I couldn’t think of another thing to say. I knew at that very moment there was nothing I could do. I was a complete fool for trusting him as long as I had. I had seen how he had been with other girls at school but never me. We had years of friendship. Or had he just been biding his time? I tried to push him off me in a final attempt to free myself, but he was much stronger than I was.
He had never ever made anything remotely close to a move on me … or if had he, I had played it off as just being friends. He was occasionally flirty with me, but I never looked further into it. I always thought of him as a shield, a protector from the other guys who might have acted interested. He knew how I felt; he knew I didn’t want to kiss and especially be intimate with a guy.
I started to cry, weeping from my shaking chest. I tried to push him off me again, but that only resulted in him putting more of his weight on me and crushing my body further into the memory foam couch. When that didn’t work, I started to beg.
“Please, Bryan, please don’t do this … Please …”
He moved my arms over my head and then pinned them down so I could no longer move. I tried with all my power to lift them, and he didn’t budge.
“Tell me you want me.” He was right in my face, and I felt bile begin to rise in the back of my throat.
“I don’t want you. I don’t want anyone.” Bryan began laughing as if he’d heard the best joke of all time. I couldn’t believe this was happening! How could this be happening? Not Bryan!
I began crying harder and really didn’t care that he saw my fear, my weakness, and my vulnerability. He continued to kiss my neck and ears. The pain he was inflicting felt like a knife stabbing my body parts.
“Now, tell me how much you want me.”
I just stared at him. I didn’t care what happened from resisting, but I knew damn well I wasn’t going to tell him I wanted him.
He screamed, shaking the windows of the house, and demanded an answer. Bryan’s eyes were full of hate. “NOW!”
“NO!” He lifted my shirt up as far as he could and then ripped the remainder. He then returned his hands to my arms to restrict my movement again.
“Elise, I want you to tell me you want me like I do you. I want you to prove it to me. To repay me for always being there for you, for listening to your crying and pity parties.”
“Screw you.”
“Okay, baby, don’t. You’ll prove it to me either way.” He pulled at the button of my jeans and put his hand in them. I twisted my hips to the right and to the left, trying to stop his advances.
“Elise, you can stay still and let me finish, or we can do this the hard way.”
“I …” He put his hand over my mouth. The look in his eyes was frightening me deeply.
“I don’t want an answer. Just shut the hell up and let me do what you have wanted me to do. Whether you want to admit it or not.”
He then lifted his weight off me for a split second to get his jeans off. When I heard his pants unzip and his pressure on my body again, I zoned out. I felt the tears falling down my face, and I prayed to the heavens that he would hurry and end my misery. Everything I had, all my innocence had been stolen from me. All my desire to be first, the best … to be chosen first … Never again would I wish those words.
My greatest regret was not being able to give my first time to the love of my life since Bryan had stripped it from me unwillingly. You couldn’t give many things to show someone how much you love them, but that was something I should have had the right to give to the person I was madly in love with. Not only had he robbed me of my virginity, but he also stole my trust and my self-esteem.
The night that Ford and I first made love would be a night I’d always remember. When I think of the way he touched my skin, I still got goose bumps when I remembered the insanely sensual feeling that brought me to utter pleasure.
Looking back, I laughed at how he was so gentle and cautious, not wanting to cross any lines. During the entire time, he told me how much he loved me because he wanted me to know. He respected me and worshipped me for every second of our time together. It was a feeling I could drown in.
Truth be told, I had tried to get Ford to go all the way several times, but he always resisted. Sweet kisses turned into steamy kisses, touches from soft to rough, and passion from sweet to overheated. He was my first experience with a man who loved me, and I ate it up.
At first, my thoughts of Bryan tried to put up a block, but after talking with Carol, she taught me that I would just be letting him win, and of course, that wasn’t something I would ever let happen. Every thought that began with Bryan was replaced by the man I loved, and it eventually worked.
Ford knew when I was resisting, and being the man he was, he always stopped with no complaints.
“We have an entire lifetime ahead of us baby, and I can wait.”
He must have said that a million times.
Ford and I had been kissing, devouring each other on the barn bench. It was made of recycled wood and had been broken in nicely. Comfortable? No. But who cared about comfort when you were making out? We had walked in to get away from the cool wind, closing the doors to keep it warm. I had just got back from a ride, and he had met me to help me undo the tack and groom Daisy.
“Ford … I am ready ….” I whispered in his ear while my hand was holding his neck, touching his hair.
The intensity in his eyes told me he was just as ready. That and the hardness I had been rubbing in his jeans.
As he picked me up, I wrapped my legs around him. I wasn’t sure where he was taking me, but I didn’t ask. He walked us over to the corner where the tack room was and then set me on the ground for a minute. I watched him as he took off his brown jacket and then grabbed the saddle blankets before placing his jacket on top of them.
I didn’t wait for an invitation. Instead, I took the hint and laid down on the makeshift bed.
He joined me, but before leaning down for another kiss, he stopped. “Baby, you sure you are …?”
I kissed him while moving my hand into his jeans to show him I was ready. I was scared but so confident at the same time.
This was Ford. My Ford.
He unzipped his jeans after unzipping mine, and we both wiggled to move them down lower on our bodies. Mine came off, but he just pulled his down.
He kissed my lips then pulled my shirt up and began trailing kisses from my neck to my breasts to my belly button and back to my breasts. My body was his amusement park, and I was more than willing to let him ride as much as he wanted.
“Elise … I need to hear again that you are ready for this.” He froze over my face, sweetly concerned for my well-being.
“I have never been so sure about anything in my life,” I said with certainty.
We continued to profess our love to each other while we made love. He was tender, slow, gentle, and passionate the entire time.
With that, he finally took me, making me a woman. And I had never been so pleased.
We laid still afterward with me in his arms, settling our breathing.
“So was it worth the wait?” I ask, hoping that I pleased him as much as he pleased me.
He leaned up on his elbow. “Absolutely. I have dreamed of being inside you for… well … let’s just say a long time, and it was better than I could’ve ever imagined.”
I smiled and was glad to hear that.
“Thank you, baby, for choosing me,” he said sweetly, kissing me softly.
“I just wish …”
“Don’t … Don’t say that.” He knew exactly what I was going to say because I was thinking it. He was reading my mind, or maybe he just knew what I was thinking by the look in my eyes.
The tears started to fill my eyes, and he brushed away the hair that had fallen on my forehead.
“I hate that this was stolen from you, and I hate what you have gone through. If I could do anything to make it better, I would in a heartbeat … I don’t like to see the girl I love to …”
“I hate it too.”
“But … you know making love is just that. Making love. What he did to you wasn’t love … and what I just did to you was nothing but love. I love you more than anything, Elise, and that will never change.”
“You’re right, Ford. And I love you more than anything.”
I was a victim, but Ford had changed that hurt into something much more powerful. I just hoped Bryan was out of my life because I think I have finally kicked him out of my thoughts. The rape—the way someone who I trusted had treated me when I was sixteen—was forever etched into my mind. But falling in love and trusting a man replaced that hurt. The feelings of being a victim after being forced to do something I didn’t want to no longer drag me down. That very weight had been lifted.