Chapter 14
Ford
Misery … that was all I felt anymore. Guilt, anger, frustration, and helplessness.
I often stared at the ceiling in our room, watching the fan go round and round far more than any normal person would since I was in bed most days. Who would have thought I would be dealing with this pain day in and day out? At this point, it was welcomed and even expected. It was my life.
Everything was clear to me … I was a burden to the one person I loved more than anything in the world. That was what cut me deeper than the dull knife that picks at my head daily. The hideous pain that followed my body around to no avail.
Elise … the look in her blue eyes when she saw me the way I was now … I couldn’t handle it.
I fell in love with her and wanted to give her a life full of everything she wanted and deserved. Instead, roadblocks detoured our planned route. I hated it for her, and I hated it for me. For us. This changed us.
We were two kids who fell in love and didn’t let anything hold us back until it was out of control. A testament to the fact that no matter how hard you tried to plan your future, someone could grip your collar tight enough to cut off the circulation and prevent your next breath. The unidentified man was standing in the corner laughing at us again, and I couldn’t help but ball my fist in anger. He smiled, and I grunted as I prepared to hit his jugular.
I practiced holding my breath to see what it would be like. I knew I was dying and hoped to make it go faster at this point. The voices in my head were calling me to a distant place, and although I questioned the effect of my medications before I stopped taking them, I only resisted because of them.
I found myself watching my beautiful bride at night while she slept with tears in my eyes, wishing God would take me in my sleep. Something I never thought I would hope for at this season in my life.
My suffering only made Elise suffer. And that was something I never would get used to. My pain was incredibly unwelcome, but hers was crushing my heart.
Depression had taken total control of my thinking …
And I feared it would beat me.
And I would let it because I wanted the love of my life to live.
I had read that when a person was ready, they knew it. They felt it in their bones, and for me, it was getting close. I have contemplated so many things, things I couldn’t fathom, but every time I saw my wife looking at me with fear, it made me more sure of what I needed to do.
I heard her pray for me each night. The woman who I had pushed away hit her knees every single night, asking for healing for the love of her life. I cried every single time and couldn’t help but join in her prayer, asking for help for myself.
I prayed the same prayer, but I asked for healing of her. I fear it was too late for me now, but it wasn’t for her. She’d be okay because she was a survivor.
I had thought of many plans, but today, I was sure of how I was going to do it. I had a gun my father had given to me that I always kept in my nightstand. I know that Elise had seen it, but she’d never asked about it. I had only shot a gun once but was confident I would be able to seal the deal.
I had called Terry and asked him to come by this evening before Elise and Carol would be back in town. They were going to an antique auction for Elise to start looking for things for our place that she had dreamed of in Humble.
I didn’t want Elise to see me that way but knew that Terry would be able to take care of it and ensure that Elise was safe. He would protect her.
I had written my wife a letter, telling her how much I loved her and hoped that she would always remember my touch, my look, and the way she made me feel. Even more, the way I made her feel. I wished that our future would be different, but we both knew that would not happen. The further I pulled back, the harder she tried to fight to get in, but I resisted. I wanted her to be angry with me and not hurt. I wanted anything but for her to be in pain.
Elise,
“Love is both beautiful and heartbreaking.” You, baby, are the reason my life was beautiful.
You are also the reason it is heartbreaking because I have to do the one thing I always said and promised I would never do and that is break your heart.
You, Elise, were the reason I held on for as long as I did because you are my everything and always will be. I’m sorry for all the pain I have caused you, but I know that you will survive this. You are a survivor and have so much of life left to live. The pain in my heart knowing that I won’t be able to share it with you is unbearable. You were the first and only woman I have ever loved and am thankful you were sent to me. Without you, I wouldn’t have known love as I do.
Please never doubt my love for you and my reason for this …
I couldn’t fight anymore. And I couldn’t suffer in front of you anymore.
I am at peace with my decision and hope that you will be too once you read this letter.
Yours forever,
Ford
I hadn’t taken my antidepressant in two weeks, for fear that it would alter my thinking. I was clear minded and knew what I wanted to do. Hell, honestly, I wanted to do it as soon as I knew I would have surgery. Although the doctor tried to deny it, I knew my odds of surviving that were slim to none.
I loaded my father’s gun, placed my football in my lap, and held a picture of Elise and me in my left hand.
I closed my eyes to say a final prayer.
“Please Lord, forgive me for doing this … but I can’t take it anymore. Please watch over my wife and never let a day go by without her knowing that I love her. Amen.”
I stared at the gun and then back at the picture of us smiling. She had placed it on our dresser the day she moved in.
I brought it to my lips and kissed her face, wishing I could feel her skin one last time, but that wasn’t possible.
I closed my eyes and brought the gun to my head to pull the trigger.
And then my eyes went dark.
*****
“FORD! FORD!!!” I heard Terry screaming my name and jostling my body.
I didn’t answer because I couldn’t. I was cold and wet and not sure how or why.
“ANSWER ME!” Terry demanded.
I looked at him without being able to vocalize I could hear him.
“Can you sit up?” he asked and tried to help me up.
With his help, I am able to lean up against the wall and get my bearings.
I put my hand on my head to see if I had done what I thought I had and then pull it back to see if there was blood. My head was hurting, but it always hurt.
“I …” I try to compute something … anything. “Why?”
“It is sweat … I came in and broke down your door in a panic since you weren’t answering. Elise had said you were acting odd today, so I thought I would come get you and make you work some at the farm with me.”
He paused.
“The best I can tell you had another seizure and passed out cold.”
He was leaning beside me on the floor but then moved to beside me sitting against the wall as well.
“You wanna tell me what was going on here?”
“You just said I had a seizure.”
“We both know that is not what I am talking about, don’t we?” He looked at me like he was waiting and hoping to God what he saw wasn’t what was intended.
I looked around the floor for my gun, but it was nowhere to be seen.
“Looking for the gun?” he asked.
I nodded and looked at me with shame.
He handed me the picture of Elise and I, and I broke down uncontrollably.
Terry put his hand on my leg and patted it.
“Son … I don’t know what happened to stop this … but I am thankful. We would have lost someone who we all love very much.”
“I don’t know what happened either … I thought I had … but …”
He stood and took the letter I had laid on the dresser for Elise and held it up.
“I will just dispose of this and get you some water. Stay put until I get back.”
I nodded, letting him know I understood, and wiped the snot that had begun to run out of my nose.
Terry walked back in the room with a grin on his face and a cup in his hand along with a beer.
He handed me the cup and took a sip of the beer he had in his other hand.
“What do you say we never speak of this again? There are some things our women do not need to know about …”
“Terry, I am sorry for …”
“Ford, do you think you are the only person alive who feels like complete hell mentally and physically? You are fighting a disease, and you have let it get the better of you, but I hope now you will think differently. And I’m taking the gun.”
“Yes … but I can honestly say I …”
“Just to be on the safe side.”
Elise
Carol and I had done some antiquing today. She knew I needed to get out of the house, and Ford agreed.
Terry would go by and check up on him, and I had hoped that somehow, he would be able to lift his spirits. Lord knows we needed any help we could get.
Terry had called, letting us know with a laugh to come on back to Humble when we finished spending his money. Ford and he had gone out to do some work, but on what, I could only guess. Ford always humored Terry with whatever he needed him to help with a smile.
I was excited to tell Ford that I had a job interview in Humble with the bookkeeper Carol had told me about previously.
Maybe getting out of Rockwall would do us good.
Carol was keeping her eyes open for a place for us, but I knew she wanted us to stay with them. She liked the company and acted like she needed the help.
Surprisingly, when we made it back to the property, the guys were still not back.
Carol went in to take a cat nap, so I sat on the porch with a glass of tea and read my book while listening to the birds and soothing sounds of the country.
Two hours later, I was still sitting on the porch in the big swing, staring out at the property, the barn in particular, with a book in my hand pretending to read, but it wasn’t even a disguise any more. The words were jumbled, and I honestly only held the book at this point to act as if I was reading.
The barn … oh, the barn. The first place we had made love and had several times after that there as well.
Ford’s truck pulls up, and he and Terry get out. I remember when he used to pull up in his truck, and how I felt the excitement in my stomach. This was the teen boy who had grown into a man who made my world circle on its axis; the reason I wanted to breathe. He was it for me, but by pulling away from me, he told me he possibly didn’t want me in his life anymore. And that hurt badly.
I pretended to be reading as Ford walked to the railing that was supporting the swing from the ground on the porch.
“Hi, sweetheart.”
“Ford.” I was already starting to tear up because his voice was the old Ford. Not the evil growl it had become.
“You want to go for a walk?”
I nodded but wanted to jump over the railing and into his arms. Of course, I wanted to walk with him. Forever into the unknown.
He waited for me at the end of the porch, and he was wearing his old boots that weren’t donned very often. The same boots he had worn when working here at the farm when I first met him.
He took my hand and stood close to me, closer than he had in weeks. He was freshly showered and smelled like my Ford.
We walked in silence for a few minutes although our thoughts spoke volumes. We didn’t have to talk. We knew each other inside and out.
I stopped for a minute and faced him. “Ford, I am sorry for fighting with you… I just can’t stand that you are sick, and upset and afraid … and I can’t fix any of it. You are my world, and you are kicking me out of yours.”
“I know.” He looked down like he was feeling the guilt and didn’t know what to say to my statement.
“Elise, let’s sit for a minute.”
He sat down and then pulled me toward him to sit on his lap. He then pushed my hair to the side so he could rest his head on the other side of my neck.
“First, let me say something I should have been saying all along. Thank you for being here for me. I never had any doubt that you wouldn’t be, but I would never have thought I would have acted as I did. I can’t give you an explanation because I can’t comprehend it myself. I …”
I turned my head and placed a peck on his lips. Damn, that felt good. Something so small, a little gesture that connected me with my husband.
“I am sorry. I am sorry for putting you through this. I wish …” Ford tried to finish his sentence, but his eyes were filling with tears, and I could see his struggle.
“Do you remember when we were about to get married, and I asked you if you were sure you wanted to marry me not knowing what our future would hold? And you told me no one knows what it holds.”
“Yes, of course. And I meant it. You are the love of my life, Ford, that hasn’t changed. Nothing could change that.”
“My behavior these past months’ should have,” he said shamelessly.
“Well, I won’t disagree with that.”
“I felt like there was this demon inside me telling me that I would not beat this and that I needed to just lie down and let it happen. His voice was louder than what I expected, and I surrendered. I did it willingly.”
“But Ford …”
“I put that voice to rest this afternoon. I realized I was alone after pushing you away. I didn’t like it and don’t want to feel it.”
I started to talk, and he stopped me by putting his hand up against my lips softly. He used to do that when I wouldn’t stop talking to get my attention. With Ford, I sometimes felt like I had to say everything I felt because I was afraid it would go away; he would go away. He promised me that would never happen; that he wasn’t going anywhere … but now that could change.
He finished. “I don’t want you to ever feel the absence of me either, Elise.”
The lump in my throat was choking me. I didn’t want that either. I would give my last breath not to have that happen.
Words came to me, but I knew they weren’t the ones that needed to be spoken.
“Let’s do something about that then. Let’s do whatever we can to keep that from happening, Ford Kelly.”
“I honestly thought you had given up on me from the way I have been treating you,” he said with all seriousness.
“Ford, I married you for better or worse, till death do us part. I’m not looking to get out.”
He ran his hand along my cheek, and I wanted to melt. I hadn’t felt his touch in far too long, and his skin against mine was sending my nerves on high alert.
He kissed me softly like when we first kissed years ago, which quickly accelerated to a little rougher. Taking me in as if he couldn’t get enough of me. Tasting my mouth like he was starving.
“Are you ready for battle, Mrs. Kelly?”
“You bet your ass I am ready, Mr. Kelly. I’ve been ready. I have just been waiting for you.”
We went back to kissing, taking in every inch of each other until I pulled back, stood out of his lap, and walked him to the barn to the very first place we had made love.
Ford always surprised me with his lovemaking. He was as gentle as any man could be, I assumed really, since he was the only man I had willing been with. He knew where to apply the pressure with his skills and always pleased me.
I watched his eyes as I removed my shirt and then stood to take off my jeans. He stayed focused on me as if I was the only thing in the world. He always had a way of making me feel that way.
“Now you, baby,” I said, and he undid his jeans and pulled them off his hips to where his manhood showed.
He was ready, and I was too.
“You going to take advantage of me?” he asked and winked.
I laughed and nodded.
He sat back on the bench, and I got on top of him, moving myself down on him. He moaned, and I followed suit. He ran his hands up and down my back as I moved, his hand feeling like a feather lightly grazing me.
I found a rhythm, and he joined in, making sure I took him all in.
I rode him, rocking back and forth with a mix where he was almost out to all the way down. Every time I heard him moan, I almost shivered.
I wanted him to feel as good as I felt.
We were connected physically and mentally.
He kissed my neck and would touch my breasts, making sure to please me in all areas.
At my climax, I continued to ride him to make sure that he followed through. His face showed his ecstasy, and I smiled, proud of my work.
“That was definitely not how we made love here the first time.” He smiled, pushing my hair off my neck and placing small kisses there.
“No. We can do it that way in a few minutes if you want.”
“Want?” He laughed.
“I love you, Ford Kelly.”
“I love you more,” I said.
He kicked off his jeans in total then lifted me up to lay me down to start round two.
“I remember the first time I ever felt the inside of you.”
“Do you? Right here?” We had made love the first time in this very spot. Exactly how we were lying.
“Yes. It was heaven. And every time since has been heaven.”
“Heaven,” I said, taking it in.
“I am the luckiest man on earth to get to feel you and touch you. Do you know how many men would kill for this?”
“The only man I’m interested in is you.”
I pulled him down and kissed him until we were breathless as he made love to me softly.
In the end, we pulled the blanket that was laid on the back of the bench over us and fell into a slumber.
His arms wrapped around me, and I thought about how I could stay in this position next to him on this floor for the rest of my life. No questions asked.
“I am having the surgery, Elise.”
He had waited until my eyes closed and my breathing had slowed, not expecting a response, so that was what I gave him. I didn’t think he wanted one.
I wanted to be positive this would be it, and then I would have my Ford back, but I also knew the risks.
I closed my eyes tighter, feeling the rise and fall of his chest and hoping he was at peace because I was in his arms.
Praying quietly to myself just like I had tons of times before, wishing it was me instead of him and I could take away his suffering and pain. I had already beat so much … but not my Ford.
I had tried to think about my life without him, but it wasn’t possible. There was no Elise without Ford Kelly. Not anymore. We were parts of each other for better or worse.
And this was the worse.
I would hope for the better because that was all I could do. Hope and pray and try to settle for nothing less.