Elise
Instead of sitting in my car repeating the words that Dr. Pelker continued to tell me, I decided I needed to get out of Rockwall.
“Surgery is needed ASAP,” Dr. Pelker had said, yet no matter how much he had told Ford this same statement, he wasn’t getting the point.
“He is so depressed and isn’t even himself anymore,” I said.
“He isn’t himself. The meds he is on alone are going to make him miserable. Lethargic, depressed, not to mention the fact that he is very sick.”
“I just can’t believe this is happening, Doctor. This wasn’t supposed to happen.”
“If I had a quarter for every time a patient of mine said that.”
“Isn’t there anything we can do?”
“You can make sure he knows you know he needs the surgery and hope he comes around. The longer we wait, the worse it is going to get. But, that being said, I can’t make a patient have surgery any more than I can make a patient tumor free.”
“I know.”
“I wish I had more encouraging words; I really do. It is very hard to see this in such a good young man.”
I started to weep but tried to keep it under control.
“Please call, Mrs. Kelly, if I can answer any more questions.”
“I will. Thank you, Doctor.”
Once I left Dr. Pelker's office, I drove to Carol and Terry’s but was determined not to bring up my and Ford’s issues. They were aware that Ford was sick, and sometimes, I thought that Terry knew more than he led on. That was Terry, though. Carol was always an excellent listener but didn’t offer too much advice other than to be patient.
I began to cry again somewhere around East Street and cried until I pulled onto FM 906. I had exactly five minutes to dry my eyes and calm my breathing. It wasn’t lost on me that Carol would take one look at me and see that I was upset, but at least, I could hold it together after getting it out on the way here. I wanted to live in Humble again where everything was great and where our love had started.
Carol was sitting on the porch cross-stitching in the swing when I pulled up. She smiled and waved, waiting for me to sit with her rather than greeting me as she normally did. I reflected for a few minutes about when I first came to Humble and the kindness she showed me and never stopped. She took on the mother role with compassion that only a loving person like her could give.
“What brings you out, darlin’?” she asked.
“Just wanted to come breathe some fresh air.” I smiled as I sat next to her. We side hugged each other, and she holds me a little bit longer than a normal hug. Yep. She knew.
“I’ve been working on this cross-stitch of a hummingbird. I had hoped to finish it a couple of weeks ago but haven’t been able to spend time doing it.”
“You’ll have to teach me how to do it one day.”
“That I can do, sweetheart.”
She continued to cross-stitch, and I watched, glad I was able to clear my mind and just watch as her fingers held the needle and pushed through the cloth.
“How are things at home?” she asked casually.
“Could be better,” I responded.
“Been busy at work?”
“No … work is good. Ready to give my notice as soon as we can get something arranged here.”
“I told you that you are more than welcome to move in here. We could use the help.”
“Ford isn’t in a condition to move right now.”
“Oh, I see.”
I started to feel the tears building, but I was fighting them off as hard as I could.
“I don’t know what to do anymore. He isn’t himself anymore. He is so damn mean. Like a spitting cobra. Everything he says is hateful.”
“Well, he’s not. He is sick and …probably in a lot of pain, dear.”
“He said today that he could feel it eating him. It hurt so badly to hear him say that and know that I can’t do anything to help the man I love. I would give up anything for him. I am his wife yet lately he treats me so badly.”
“I wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but I can’t. It is hard when someone is sick, and you can’t do anything to help relieve it.”
“The radiation isn’t working. In fact, he is becoming sicker and more depressed. Carol, the thought crossed my mind for the first time today that what if he doesn’t survive this? We are fighting left and right. I can’t bring him back to the now, and all he can think about is how he is dying. He doesn’t want to leave the house or do anything but sleep. He isn’t Ford any longer.”
“None of us knows what God’s plan is but the Lord himself. How do you know the medicine isn’t working?”
“I talked to Dr. Pelker. They are going to have to operate.”
“And they can get it, and he can be ...?” Carol asked almost like a statement.
“He is hopeful, but he has seen the way Ford is acting. Will is huge, and if he gives up the fight before it is in full swing, then Dr. Pelker doesn’t think he will do well.”
We had begun to swing back and forth lightly without my realizing it. It was as if she was my mother hugging me and rocking me to ease my pain. If only it worked. If only anything would work.
“Terry and I have never shared this with anyone in the family, but Terry had a good scare about ten years ago. I was sure that I would lose him. He pushed me away. Lord, that man tried to make me hate him.”
“Why?”
“He told me after he fought his battle and won it that it was because he thought it would be easier for me to hate him rather than love him if he did die.”
A light bulb flashed on, and I could see how Ford might very well be thinking that. He was always putting me first.
“That is ridiculous,” I said, clearly hearing what she was saying and wondering if Ford would do something similar. He was pushing me away with a vengeance.
“I thought the same thing, but when I started to really think about it, I asked myself if I would do the same thing to ease the pain that my spouse was going through? To help them start to get over me?”
“I wouldn’t!” I somewhat raised my voice irritated with the notion.
“You should know more than anybody that when you love someone, you protect them at all costs. The last thing you want to do is leave someone you love.”
“I haven’t surrendered yet. Why is Ford?”
“Because he is the one feeling the pain, and he is the one who is scared that is going to cause you heartache. Not many men can honestly say they fall in love with all their heart. But Ford, he did. He had loved you before you loved him. It was an instant connection for him. You know he told me one day when he was out here working, and you were at school that he knew he would marry you.”
“He did?” I smiled because I could see Ford telling Carol that.
“He was as positive as a person can be.” She patted my leg.
“Why does this have to happen? We were just starting our adult lives, and we get hit with this? It isn’t fair.”
“You are correct; it isn’t.”
“But …”
“But what?” she asks.
“Isn’t there something you are going to say?” I knew Carol well, and she always ended with a but to settle my mind.
“There isn’t a but although I wish there was. I don’t understand it any more than understanding it when my husband was sick.”
“What did you do to get through it?”
“A whole lotta praying, begging really, so much my knees were sore. And with Terry, I just told him every day how much I loved him even when he became someone I didn’t recognize or even like really. He turned into a real monster. I reminded myself when I was crying many times that it wasn’t him talking … it was a power higher than him … and that was his sickness.”
“He beat it,” I responded.
“Yes, he did. I’m not going to believe that Ford isn’t going to either. There are two people in this world. One who thinks negatively all the time, and then those like me, who prefer to be positive until all else fails.”
“Yes…” Was all I could say.
“Now let’s head in and get some cobbler. I’ll start a fresh pot of coffee, and we can play a game of Rummikub.”
“Okay.”