Antonia
Antonia pulled at her own hair, practically tearing it out at the root, tapping her feet rapidly on the floor of her cell just to distract herself from the ticking noise of the clock in the hallway outside.
“Can you stop that?” her cellmate, whose name was apparently Lana, said in an annoyed tone of voice.
“Sorry,” Antonia said. She stilled her feet but continued to yank at the handful of hair in her fist, using the pain to anchor herself down into this moment and keep herself at a safe distance from all the worrying thoughts that were revolving like a carousel in her mind.
“You should have taken his help, you know,” Lana said. She stood and walked over to the toilet in the corner.
“What are you talking about?” Antonia asked, even though she was pretty sure she already knew the answer.
“Cal, Cal Amos,” Lana said, rolling her eyes as she peed without shame. Antonia felt herself blush at the sound of her urine hitting the base of the toilet bowl. “You should have gotten him to break you out of here.”
Antonia shook her head. “I don’t work that way.”
“Oh, you’re too good for a criminal lifestyle, is that it?” Lana said, scoffing as she flushed and got back on her feet. She went over to stand next to Antonia’s bed rather than going back to sit on her own. “You know, some of us don’t have any choice. We have to live this way, whether we want to or not.”
“I don’t mean to judge,” Antonia said. She blew out her breath, pushing some of the hair out of her face. “I just…can’t handle any more chaos in my life right now, all right?”
“And you think that the MC will bring more of that, more chaos or destruction or whatever?” Lana said, rolling her eyes again, so hard this time that Antonia was a little worried she was having a seizure.
“I mean, wouldn’t it?” Antonia asked defensively. She knew she wasn’t in any position to judge, sitting in a jail cell for Christ’s sake, but she still felt like an MC wasn’t a good environment to have around her son. Daniel had to come first, above all else. Otherwise, what was the point? Who would Antonia even be if she couldn’t be a good mother? How could she even live with herself?
But Lana just sighed and shrugged. “I don’t know. I think it’s a pretty stupid to raise a kid trying to keep them away from chaos, but that’s just me.”
“What do you mean?” Antonia asked.
Lana stared down at her a minute, looking imperiously judgmental, before she finally deigned to answer. “I mean, the world is chaos. Do you want to shield your kid from the whole world?”
“Maybe,” Antonia answered without even thinking. Then she sighed, her words catching up to her brain. “I don’t know,” she said. She bent over so that her head was hanging between her knees. She heard a long time ago that this was a good way to fight nausea, but it wasn’t doing any good at the moment. “I just want him to be safe. Is that so much to ask?”
Lana made a noise like she was about to say something else, but before she could speak again, a clanging noise rang out from somewhere outside of their cell. Antonia lifted her head up a little to look out of the metal bars separating the cell from the rest of the world. She saw a pair of officers struggling with a man who kept trying to throw them off despite having his hands bound behind his back.
It took Antonia a second to realize it, but after a few moments it clicked. Paul!
“Paul!” Antonia called out. She jumped to her feet and walked to the bars of her cell, pressing her face in between two of them so she could yell out to her ex-husband. “Paul, what’s going on?”
Paul looked confused for a second before his eyes landed on Antonia’s. A vicious smile spread across his face as soon as he spotted her. “Oh, wow. Oh, this is just too fucking good,” he said, bursting into laughter as the cops shoved him closer to Antonia’s cell.
“What’s happening here?” Antonia asked. Her heart pounded harder in her chest as her ex-husband approached her cell.
“Your fucking boyfriend got me arrested, is what fucking happened,” Paul spat out, his eyes full of pure, blind hatred, piercing into Antonia like a thousand knives.
It took a few moments before Antonia’s brain could process Paul’s words. “Cal…?” she said uncertainly, her voice wavering a little even on that single word.
“Yes, fucking Cal,” Paul yelled back at her. “Your precious fucking Cal stole our child from me. I’m sure you’re pleased as punch.” Even though he was still fighting with two officers pinning his arms back, Paul leaned forward and spat forcefully in Antonia’s direction. Antonia barely moved out of the way in time to dodge the wad of saliva.
“What were you doing to him?” Antonia asked, staring at Paul with as much venom as she could muster from every inch of her body.
“It doesn’t matter now,” Paul said with a bitter laugh. “It’s all over, for both of us, babe. I guess we’ll be together in the end, huh?”
“Fuck you,” Antonia spat. She was consumed with rage for the man standing across from her cell. “Fuck you, Paul. I’ll never be with you again. Ever. No matter what you manage to do to weasel your way out of it, know that I know the truth. You’re a piece of shit abuser. You’re never coming near me or my son ever again. Trust me.”
“Oh, yeah?” Paul said mockingly. “I know every other cop in this fucking state. I’ve got half the judges in my pocket. You think anyone’s going to look at the two of us and choose you as the rightful parent? You think the law’s going to let you keep your son? You’re in for a nasty surprise, my love.”
Before Antonia could come up with a response, the two officers finally got the better of Paul, ignoring his protests as they shoved him down the hall into one of the cells at the other end.
Antonia stood there for a long moment, her ears straining for any sound of her ex-husband, but she couldn’t pick up on anything else. She finally sighed and moved back to her cot, where she sat down on the hard mattress and cradled her head in her hands.
“He’s right, you know,” Lana said after a long pause, tearing her out of her thoughtless haze.
“Oh, yeah?” Antonia asked. Her voice came out stiff and bland, disconnected from the swirl of emotions dominating her heart.
“Yeah,” Lana said. “The law doesn’t do shit. That’s why you’re here, right? You didn’t do anything. You just got landed here because of some bullshit, just like me. The MC helped me once, you know. They got me out of a jam with another club on the edge of town. I probably wouldn’t even be alive if it weren’t for them.”
Antonia’s skin prickled uncomfortably, the air between her and Lana becoming weighty with the tension generated between their two bodies. “Thank you for telling me,” she said stiffly, unsure of what else to say.
“Don’t thank me,” Lana said. “Thank Cal. He’s a good man. He’ll treat you right if you give him a chance.”
Before Antonia could come up with a response, a guard approached the cell. He jingled a set of keys for a moment then unlocked the door and swung it open. “Rogers. Come on, let’s go.”
“Let’s go?” Antonia asked, unable to force her legs to set into motion despite the guard’s orders.
“Did I fucking stutter?” the guard asked.
“You better go,” Lana said, gesturing for Antonia to follow the guard out of the door. “You got to take your chances while you still got them.”
Antonia hesitated for a second before she finally nodded and walked to the open door of the cell. “Thank you, Lana,” she said sincerely. Her heart filled up with emotion as she stared at the woman sitting on the bunk on the opposite side of the room. “I won’t forget what you told me.”
“Don’t forget me, okay?” Lana said as Antonia walked through the door. She followed the guard out into the main room of the jailhouse. “Now that you’re Queen Bee and all!”
Antonia didn’t know what Lana meant by that at first, but she didn’t have time to question it, as the wind was knocked out of her lungs the very next second. Sitting there in the waiting room with his head bowed and his hands knotted together, as if he was praying, was Cal. Antonia’s whole mouth went dry within seconds just from the sight of him in that chair, looking so worried and so handsome, all at once.
“Here you go,” the guard said from behind her. He undid her cuffs and pushed her forward slightly in Cal’s direction. “You’re free to go.”
“Really?” Antonia asked, turning around to face the guard to make sure that he wasn’t playing some trick joke on her. “I can go? But why? What happened?”
“Ask him,” the guard said, pointing in Cal’s direction.
Antonia had no choice then but to turn back around and face her boss/lover/whatever the fuck he was at this point in her life. “Hey,” she said softly, barely managing enough courage to maintain eye contact with Cal’s blazing gaze.
“Hey,” he said back to her. He stood up and walked about a yard forward, stopping before he closed any more of the distance between them. The air seemed to crackle around them, full of an unfamiliar energy that made Antonia’s blood pump faster, her brain working overtime to come up with something appropriate to say.
“Was that you?” Antonia finally managed to ask. “Getting me out of here, I mean? Was that your doing?”
“Yes,” Cal said, nodding firmly. “I’m sorry it took so long. I had to deal with something with my club…well, it doesn’t matter now. It’s finished. I have control again.”
“You lost it?” Antonia asked, raising her eyebrow quizzically.
Cal smiled bashfully and nodded again. “Yeah. That happens sometimes.” He paused, blowing his breath and stepping forward again, not stopping until he was a foot away from Antonia. This way, she could see his eyes much more clearly, see the unbridled emotion lurking within, ready to unleash. “Look. I have to be honest with you. The club is a mess. It’s always been a mess, ever since I took control of it years ago. But it’s a part of my life. I can’t let go of it. But I understand if you have to in order to be there for your son.”
“Where is he now?” Antonia asked, choosing not to address Cal’s statements right away. “Daniel, I mean. Where is he?”
“He’s in the emergency room,” Cal explained. He stopped Antonia with a hand in the air as panic overtook her body. “Don’t worry. He’s safe. I checked. I found Paul trying to hurt him, but I stopped it. He’s okay now. Trust me. I wouldn’t let anyone hurt him.”
“Why?” Antonia asked, rubbing her wrists, which were still sore from the hours spent in handcuffs. “Why do you even give a shit?”
“Because you love him,” Cal said simply, as if that explained everything. “You love him. I couldn’t let him get hurt. Not like that. No way.”
“Why?” Antonia asked again, although this time she couldn’t raise her voice above a hoarse whisper. “Why, Cal?”
“Because I love you,” Cal said, and this time he said it shamelessly, fearlessly, shrugging like he was talking about something as innocuous as his lunch order. But he was sincere. Antonia could tell that much from his eyes, which were still full of an emotion that shook her to her core, making her feel like she was going to pass out just from the sheer force of the feeling that she saw within his pupils. “I love you. You love him. Therefore, I have to take care of him. Seems pretty simple to me.”
Antonia was speechless for a long moment, picturing her little boy in a hospital room, all alone and afraid. “I have to go to him,” she said, immediately launching into motion and heading towards the front door.
“Hey, hey,” Cal said, stepping in front of her. “You need to rest first. He can’t see you like this.”
Antonia hesitated, tempted to push Cal out of the way, but she held herself back and considered his words for a minute before she finally sighed and accepted that he was telling the truth. “You’re right,” she said, looking down at her own disheveled clothing. “I have to protect him.”
“We have to protect him,” Cal said. He reached out to wrap an arm tentatively around Antonia’s shoulders, slowly tugging her against his side. “You and me. Together.”
For the first time in her life, Antonia considered the possibility that she might not be alone, that she might have somebody on her side, fighting for her without hesitation or complaint. Cal had said “we” like they were a unit. Like they were a family. No matter what the circumstances. That one single word made her heart pound slowly but heavily in her chest, like the thrumming rhythm of a song that she’d known her whole life without ever singing along.
He’s a criminal, Antonia reminded herself as she looked up into his glassy, gorgeous eyes. He’s probably a murderer. He can’t be trusted. He can’t be loved.
Aren’t you tired of this? Antonia’s other internal voice said back. Aren’t you tired of fighting against the entire world? Aren’t you tired of forcing yourself to feel nothing? Aren’t you tired of being alone?
All at once, Antonia realized that she was done lying to herself about what she wanted. It was time to stop pretending. It was time to stop punishing herself. It was time to start living. It was time to start loving.
“Okay,” she whispered to Cal. She reached down to grab his hand, lacing their fingers together. “We’ll take care of our sons. Together.”