Antonia
Antonia let herself sag against the kitchen counter even though her knees screamed in pain and her back ached after being bent in one position for so long. She licked her lips and gasped for air, her lungs burning as she struggled to suck in as much oxygen as possible. Her ears strained for any sound from upstairs. She knew that Cal had gone up there, but after hearing his door shut she couldn’t make out any other noises from him.
“Fuck,” Antonia whispered to herself as she finally summoned the energy to peel herself off the counter, stumbling on her feet for a moment before she caught her balance. Her heart still thumped inside of her pussy, her hole aching as a result of the rough fucking she’d just experienced but still glowing with pleasure after her amazing orgasm. The sensations she’d felt had ripped through her like a million knives, but in a good way, tearing through all the pain and exhaustion in her muscles until her body surrendered to the pleasure that Cal’s cock gave her. God, he has such an amazing cock, Antonia thought as soon as her brain became capable of putting words together coherently once again. So big. So thick. So fucking hot. Her cunt felt the memory of his cock’s shape, the way he pressed up against her special spots inside, making her feel a thousand different sensations at once. She’d never felt anything like it in her life. It was like being on a rollercoaster, except she hadn’t been afraid. Not really.
But she couldn’t say the same thing for herself now, standing naked, shivering slightly despite the heating system the kitchen full of warmth. Antonia just stood there for a long moment, rubbing her own shoulders and trying to make sure that she didn’t freak the fuck out and run screaming out of the house. I could, you know, she thought to herself. Daniel is at his father’s tonight. I could leave here and never come back. I never have to face Cal again if I don’t want to.
She knew it might be the best option. What were they going to do, continue to work together after Cal had fucked her senseless and then left her without saying a single fucking word? But despite that, she couldn’t seem to force her legs to move, and not just because they ached as a result of the endurance exercise Cal had just put them through.
I don’t want to leave, she realized with a cold, detached certainty. I want to stay. And it wasn’t just because of the money or the stability of the job, either. I want to see him again, Antonia thought. I want to see if he looks at me any differently. I want to see if he liked it as much as I did.
What a fucking idiot, Antonia thought a moment later, scoffing out loud and rubbing her own forehead in frustration. “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” she muttered to herself, slowly walking over to the other side of the room to get her clothes off the ground.
This could never happen again. She was so foolish for ever letting it happen once, but there was no way that she could do a repeat performance, even if it had been the most wild, untamed sex she’d ever had in her entire life. She had to make it clear that this couldn’t happen. For Daniel’s sake. For the first time in his life he had a stable home, a place where he could feel safe and secure. She couldn’t risk that by fucking her boss.
Maybe I’ve already fucked it all up, she thought to herself as she slowly shrugged back into her clothes. Maybe he’s about to fucking fire me.
Still, she had to try to make things right. She made a promise to herself as she walked back over to the counter, where the cutting board still sat with its half-chopped vegetables. In the morning, before Cal could leave for work, she would find him and tell him that what happened could not ever happen again. She would set a clear boundary, making sure that they didn’t fuck up and their new, still fragile arrangement could go on undisturbed.
I can do this, she said to herself as she cleaned up the kitchen, her eyes beginning to grow heavy with exhaustion. I can be strong for my son. I can sacrifice for him. I can be a good mother, rather than a selfish brat who risks it all just for a little slice of happiness.
She felt stronger just by saying the promise to herself, but deep inside of her, hidden behind her heart, there was some part of her that went cold, like all of her hope had just slid away. She’d had a taste of something magical, something that could take her out of her body, save her from the bleakness of her dreary life, but she couldn’t have it ever again.
I’ll get over it, she promised herself. She finished cleaning up and headed upstairs to her room. It’ll be like it never happened.
***
Antonia was waiting in the living room the next morning, gripping her coffee cup so hard she worried she might break it with the sheer force of her nervousness, when Cal came running down the stairs.
“Hey, Mr. Amos!” she called out when he was halfway to the door, jumping to her feet and following him.
Cal didn’t stop moving, though, and he had his hand on the doorknob before she could even catch up with him.
“Mr. Amos, I need—” Antonia started to say, but Cal cut her off by opening the front door.
“We can discuss whatever it is later,” Cal said, his voice stiff and formal. “I’m late for work.”
Before Antonia could think up a response, he walked through the front door, slamming it hard behind him. And he was gone.
“What the fuck?” Antonia whispered to herself, feeling immediately drained, like someone has sucked all of the energy out of her with a vacuum cleaner.
As she walked back over to the couch, her body sagging against the cushions, she realized that she felt more than annoyed. She felt…hurt, her skin prickling like someone hit her.
So he doesn’t want to talk about it, Antonia realized, forcing herself to take a sip of her coffee in the hopes of restoring some of her lost energy. He doesn’t want to acknowledge that anything happened. He doesn’t want anything to change.
She should have felt relieved, even grateful that she wouldn’t have to have an awkward conversation essentially telling a guy that he wasn’t going to get laid again. But she felt weirdly uncomfortable, almost nauseated as she thought of what Cal must have been thinking about the events of the previous night.
It was just a fuck to him, Antonia thought. It was just a random thing that he did to let off steam, and he doesn’t think of me as special in any way. I was just a receptacle for whatever he was going through at the moment. It wasn’t about me at all.
She slowly sipped at her coffee, feeling numb and a little empty as images from the night before flashed through her mind’s eye along with memories of the sensations she’d felt creeping up through her arms and legs. Antonia sighed deeply and shook her head at herself. She shouldn’t have felt disappointed at all. She didn’t want a relationship, especially not with someone like Cal, who barely even talked to her let alone treat her with respect.
Men are fucking useless, Antonia said silently to herself. All they do is disappoint you. They build you up and then let you down, letting you fall on your ass without even offering to help you up. They aren’t worth my time.
She repeated the words on a loop in her head, over and over again until she felt like she really believed them. “I’m okay,” she said out loud to herself as she finished her coffee and got to her feet to stretch, pulling her body this way and that like she could undo the memory of fucking Cal. “I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.”
As soon as Bobby woke up, walking downstairs with a big smile on his face as he saw Antonia, she plastered on a fake grin and pretended that she actually believed her own mantra. I’m not okay, she thought to herself as she set about making Bobby breakfast.
I am not fucking okay.
But it didn’t matter. She was a mother. She wasn’t allowed to be “not okay.” She wasn’t allowed to be anything at all, and she would just have to learn to get used to that. There was no use being sad about a love affair that was over before it even started, one that she wasn’t even sure she actually wanted.
It never happened, she said to herself. It never happened, and I should be glad of that.
But no matter how hard she tried, she could never quite convince herself that that was true.