Jack: Confession
Talia leads me down a long, dark rich hallway. She has a key to one of the suites on the floors just below the rooftop bar. I know what Wyatt or anyone else would say to me right now: “She’s a beautiful woman. Just get it over with. You don’t want Talia’s attention on Riley. Just sleep with her.” But it would be impossible for me. When you’ve tasted ambrosia, normal foods won’t suffice. I only want Riley.
I try to look at Talia. I try to appreciate her body. “You’ve been with plenty of women before this. You know it’s not difficult for you,” Wyatt’s concerned voice says in my head. But all I can see is Riley. Riley’s body. Riley’s eyes haunting me from the other side of my mind. Maybe I could just think of Riley and pretend it’s her. No. It wouldn’t work. I wouldn’t work.
Talia’s talking to me and I can’t follow along. “Fuck, Jack, it’s just sleeping with a girl, you moron. Do it to protect Riley. Talia’s not a girl you want to make jealous,” says imaginary Wyatt. I tell him that he doesn’t understand love.
Talia reaches the room and slips the ornate key into the lock. The door swings open. I stand rooted on the threshold, trying to think of my next step. She turns and looks at me with eyes like dark pools.
"I can't." I hear the words without even thinking about speaking them. I know it as surely as I've ever known anything. It would be impossible for me to be with another woman after Riley. It's absurd. If I'd told myself a month ago that I’d feel this way now, I would've laughed myself out of the room. Sex is mechanical and real, and love is pretend, right? But now, Riley Lark has gotten the better of everything I thought I believed about the world. One stupid, delusional woman. One beautiful, sharp, clever, divine woman.
“I…too much alcohol, Talia,” I try, lamely.
She considers me for a few moments. Talia Amontillado has no problem with long, uncomfortable silences.
“Fuck, Jack, you’re in love. You’re actually in love with that silly girl.”
“Love is a lie,” I say without conviction.
“And you’re actually starting to believe that lie.”
“I’m just drunk and tired It was a long week. It’s not easy wiping out entire criminal organizations, you know.”
I expect her to scream and rage. To call Daemon and demand Riley’s death. Then I realize that Talia’s actually blushing at being slighted. She’s embarrassed. I forget how young she still is sometimes.
Idiot. You could’ve saved yourself and Riley a lot of trouble. I’m running through plans in my head for how to get Riley out of the city before Talia sics Daemon on her. I’m going to protect her from the Amontillados no matter what, but it’s going to take everything I have, and I still don’t know exactly how I’m going to do it. While Daemon lives, she’ll always be in danger if he decides to go after her. I’ll have to try to get her family out, too. It’ll be a mess.
And then Talia shrugs. The anger in her eyes has given way to fascination.
I can read it before she even speaks. “You’re not going to do anything,” I say incredulously. You’re not going to have Daemon kill Riley.”
She shrugs again. The smallest flicker of amusement plays at the edge of her mouth. “Jack Turner in love with some…commoner? That’s almost as fun as getting to sleep with you.”
“It won’t amount to anything. She goes to Daemon soon. I go back to running New York. Nothing’s changed.”
“Sure. Keep telling yourself that.” She fades into the darkness of the room and presses the door shut. “Goodnight, Jack. I have to go masturbate now, for all the help you’ve been. I hope your evening turns out as boring as mine. You deserve it.”
I stand outside her room and try to decide if she was lying to me—if she's going to do something awful. But for some reason, I believe her. Riley's safe from her, at least for the moment. Talia's like a cruel child playing with a bird: If she gets bored, she'll crush the bird to amuse herself. But if something about having the bird alive amuses her more, then the bird's safe. It looks like Riley's effect on me is so palpable that it's amusement enough for Talia to keep her alive.
It’s early morning, before sunrise. I walk back to the bar to find Riley, but Christie and Benjy have already escorted her home. I want to explain to her what happened—make things right and have her look at me with that longing and desire in her eyes.
Make what right? The thought skitters painfully across my mind. There’s nothing to be made right. I’m going to send her away soon, and we’ll never see each other again. I was supposed to be tired of her by now. Bored. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She was just supposed to be a distraction.
I can’t make things right with Riley. And then the second, even more painful thought hits me. It’s better for her if she thinks I went off with Talia. Thinks I did something terrible. Thinks I threw away what we had—thinks that I didn’t think we had anything in the first place.
Riley has to lose me either way. Better if she thinks she's not losing anything worth keeping. Distractions and memories of us will only hurt her—make her look back when she needs to be focused on moving forward.
It hurts in a way that I haven’t hurt in a long time, thinking about letting Riley believe that lie. Let her go. Let her resent you—hate you. And then let her forget you.
I slump down at the bar and press my forehead against it for just a moment. I want a drink. I want to drink everything there until I pass into the relief of oblivion—but I know it won’t help, in the end. Not really. Riley’s eyes will still be there, haunting me on the other side of my dreams.
I drag myself up. I feel more tired than I’ve felt in a long time. I make my way out of the building and wander downtown across the city, trying and failing to think of anything but her.
When I get to the San Sorreno I know I won’t be able to sleep. I walk past the bed and punch in the code to my office, hoping to drown my thoughts in numbers and work.