Ewan made no apology for his brash, cruel mandate. He knew how it made him sound. Selfish. Possessive. Cold and abrasive. He’d never pretended to be anything else. He meant what he’d said. He wouldn’t allow any creature to take Sasha from him, including Ian Gregor. He’d play by the rules, give Gregor whatever fucking information it was that he wanted, and hold up his end of the bargain in order to protect Drew. But Sasha was nonnegotiable. Ewan didn’t care if Gregor killed every last vampire on the face of the earth. But the second he set his sights on Sasha, Ewan wouldn’t hesitate to destroy him.
He rolled away from her and a chill settled over his skin at the absence of her heat. He wanted to soften the blow of his words somehow, but he had no idea how, or where to start. He listened to the sound of Sasha’s breaths as they began to slow and become more even. The quiet settled over him like a heavy mantle. His own thoughts were too loud in his head and made him anxious.
“Tell me something.” Sasha’s voice was small and unsure, and it made his stomach clench. “I don’t care what it is. Just something real.”
Ewan gathered her in his arms and pulled her close to his body. There wasn’t much that he could tell her that wouldn’t inadvertently bring her pain. So much of their history was shared, and so much of it embroiled in violence but he couldn’t expect her to give herself to him in the way he wanted and not offer anything in return. He was an asshole, but not completely unreasonable. She didn’t care what he told her as long as it was the truth.
“At one time, there were seven separate berserker clans. Seven kings reigned over us and met each year for a High Council. Grievances were aired and settled, contests were held as well as festivities. Requests for marriages were heard and ceremonies performed.”
“Berserkers don’t recognize mate bonds.” The sad realization in Sasha’s tone lodged in a tight ball in Ewan’s chest. “I’d hoped … I mean, I thought that maybe…” The words trailed off into disappointed silence.
Gods, why was it so hard to articulate his nature to her? It would be impossible for anyone other than another berserker to understand, and maybe that was part of the problem. Their differences were so many.
“How did you recognize the tether, Sasha?”
She let out a slow breath. “It’s hard to explain. Being turned, it’s … traumatic. Painful. The transition is jarring and when it’s done, you’re filled with this sense of emptiness that’s overwhelming. There is no solace. The Collective offers ghosts of emotion that torture more than they comfort. Everything you once felt becomes diluted. After a while, you get used to the apathy. But then, the tether crashes over you like a wave. I felt close to bursting, so full it nearly brought me to tears. The emptiness was gone. The apathy disappeared. I saw you, and I knew. The scent of your blood called to me, and I knew. The first time I fed from you, it filled me with power, and I knew. The certainty is inborn.”
“Exactly. We don’t have a tether, and we may recognize our bonds through ceremony instead of feeding, but it’s not much different. I will admit that it’s not immediate. Our bonds grow through shared experience and instinct. Our instincts are ingrained in our DNA. What you call a mate bond speaks to us on a subconscious level. There’s … an awareness that wasn’t there before.”
A space of silence passed. Ewan sensed Sasha wanted to ask him something but feared the answer. She took a deep breath. Held it. And let it out in a rush. “How did you find me last night? I know it wasn’t by scent.”
Not what she’d wanted to ask. Her own scent soured and Ewan wrinkled his nose. Perhaps she’d opted for a question that wouldn’t invite a disappointing answer.
“No. It wasn’t by scent. The more time I spend with you, the more connected we become. Like your tether, it’s hard to explain. Your essence—the very thing that makes you who you are—has attached itself to my DNA. And in turn has changed my essence—the very thing that makes me who I am—to become instinct. Does that make any sense?”
Sasha shifted and laid her hand on Ewan’s chest directly over his heart. The warmth of her palm radiated over his skin and he marveled at the difference in her body temperature after taking his vein. “So basically, you’re saying you don’t know how you found me. That blind instinct led you and you followed.”
It was the simplest explanation. “Aye. Because you had been to your coven many times, traveled the route over and over. Because it was your routine, it was now mine as well.”
Again, her scent soured with worry. “Wow. Not gonna lie, that’s pretty trippy.”
Ewan let out a chuff of laughter. “That’s one way to put it.”
“And it’s scary as hell.”
He sensed her fear and wished there was something he could do to assuage it. Lessening the blow wouldn’t change the facts, however. Like her tether, this melding of their life forces was inevitable. He could no more change it than he could change the shifting of the tides.
“What’s the Collective?” He didn’t want her to dwell on her fear. Besides, she owed him. He’d shared something about his nature and it was time for her to reciprocate. Perhaps he could find something in what she told him to offer Gregor. Some small inconsequential piece of information that would keep him placated and far away from Sasha.
“It’s our memory. All vampires are connected by blood. A single bloodline created us, and it flows through all of our veins. Contained in that blood are the memories of every vampire that ever existed. Upon our transition, we inherit those memories.”
Gods. Ewan couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to suddenly have his brain stuffed full of the memories of every berserker. How was there room for her own thoughts and memories? How did she separate her own experiences from those that didn’t belong to her?
“They’re with you all the time?”
He felt her nod against him. “The memories are overwhelming at first. Hard to ignore. They call to you, like ghosts seeking company. It’s one of the most difficult things to overcome post-transition. And if we don’t learn to resist the pull of the Collective, we risk falling victim to madness.”
Ewan let out a slow breath. It sounded horrible. “Was it hard for you?” A ripple of worry vibrated through him. Did she struggle with the Collective? Did it weigh heavily on her mind?
Sasha answered with a bark of sarcastic laughter. “Not at all. It was unusually easy for me to resist the Collective’s pull. I think that’s why Saeed chose me. He knew my mind and knew I could withstand it.”
“He turned you against your will?” Anger toward the male who had hurt Sasha so deeply surged fresh and hot in Ewan’s chest.
“No.” Sasha was quick to answer. “He would never do that. He might’ve strongly urged me,” she added. “But ultimately, the choice was mine.”
“Did it worry you?” Ewan knew he was pushing his luck by asking so many questions when he was supposed to be the one giving all the answers. But he found himself greedy for every bit of information he could gather from her. She fascinated him.
“I worried more over the loss of my soul than I did the Collective.”
“Why?”
Sasha traced a lazy pattern on Ewan’s chest with her fingertips. The sensation of her gentle touch rekindled the dying embers of his lust and caused his cock to stir between his legs.
“I worried that I would never be tethered. But I agreed to be turned in the hopes that—”
She abruptly cut herself off and a finger of dread stroked down Ewan’s spine. “What? Tell me, Sasha.”
Her fingers paused in their lazy pattern and she turned her head away from him. “I hoped that Saeed would tether me.”
Jealousy choked the air from Ewan’s lungs. “You are in love with him?” He’d known she held some measure of affection for the vampire but knowing she loved him made Ewan want to run a stake through the bastard’s heart.
He sat upright on the bed. His heart raced in his chest and raw, untamed rage swelled within him. With it came a rush of power that caused his limbs to quake. Sasha was his. Anyone who tried to take her from him would meet their end.
“Ewan?” Sasha’s tentative voice didn’t push past the haze of jealous rage that clouded his mind.
“Answer me.” The tiny, insignificant bit of reason that clung to his mind tried to tell him to back off but he wasn’t listening. “Do you love the vampire? Am I perhaps meant to make him jealous? I don’t like games, Sasha. And I won’t play them. Tell me the truth before I return to that coven and beat the answer out of Saeed instead.”
His words and actions would do nothing but push her away. And the gods help him, Ewan couldn’t do anything to stop himself.
* * *
Sasha’s heart jumped up into her throat as she sat up beside Ewan. His moods turned on a dime, without warning or reason. She’d been honest with him, not realizing her words might hurt him. But how could they? How could anything hurt such a strong, stoic, unfeeling male?
She’d given him honesty. And she would continue to do so. “I loved him. Once. I bared my soul to him and he rejected me. He turned me for his own selfish reasons and left me to mind his flock while he left in search of his true mate.”
She brought up her hand to rest on Ewan’s back. He flinched at the contact but she didn’t shy away. His breaths were heavy, pulsing in and out of his lungs and through his nostrils as though he fought to control his rising temper. He could be truly terrifying when he wanted to be and though some part of Sasha knew he would die before ever hurting her, it was Saeed she feared for in this moment. He could easily turn the location of their coven over to Gregor. An ambush would be devastating.
His muscles tensed beneath her palm. He was unyielding marble, chiseled and smoothed to perfection. “When he returned with Cerys, I knew that everything he’d told me was true. I wasn’t his and he wasn’t mine. Our souls were never meant for one another. I’d been devoted to him for so long. Doted upon him. Worshipped him. Respected him. I’d done everything he’d ever asked of me without question or complaint. I gave up my life for him. I became a vampire for him. Centuries wasted. A lifetime forfeit. I needed to reclaim myself and heal my heart. And so, I went out looking for life. And that’s when I found you.”
Ewan turned toward her. His brow furrowed as his gaze searched her face. He had to know the truth of her words. And whereas she admitted her love for Saeed, she could not in turn, admit her affection for Ewan. She’d fallen victim to the weakness of love and she wouldn’t let it happen again.
“What is your purpose within his coven?” He steered the conversation away from emotions and Sasha wasn’t sure if she was disappointed or relieved. “What made you valuable to him?”
“I was head of security up until the time he turned me.” Her voice fell. “After that, I became more of a diplomat.”
Ewan studied her. “You were a warrior?”
Of course that’s the conclusion he’d come to. “Not really. At least, not in the way you might think. My father was a warrior and a strategist. He had no sons. He taught me how to fight and that my mind could be as effective a weapon as a sword. Saeed served under my father during the wars. He was a famed assassin and deadlier than any dhampir I’d ever met. I studied hard, trained even harder, in order to impress him. I saved his life.” She looked away as a pang of regret shot through her chest. “Only the two of us know that.” She turned back to look at Ewan. “Three of us now.”
“How?”
Ewan’s focus was unwavering and Sasha squirmed under the scrutiny. Opening up to him felt like a betrayal of everything she was and had been. She never should have mentioned saving Saeed’s life.
Sasha tucked her legs up against her body and hugged her arms around her legs. The darkness that surrounded her made telling the story a little easier. Comforting somehow. “We were losing momentum.” She refused to look at Ewan, to see in the dark emptiness of his eyes, a reflection of the horror the vampire and dhampir races had endured. “The berserkers weren’t limited to fighting only at night and it was up to the dhampir forces to hold them back in the daylight hours. We weren’t as strong. Or fast. We healed too slowly and drinking blood only did so much.”
Reliving these memories merely served to remind Sasha that Ewan was the enemy. He’d admitted without an ounce of guilt to Saeed the night before that he’d killed countless vampires during the Sortiari’s attempt to wipe the vampires from the face of the earth. It made being here with him even stranger and the tether that bound them seem even more impossible. Gods. They were mortal enemies. Sworn to kill one another.
Ewan didn’t speak. Sasha was still too afraid to look at him, to try and gauge his mood or thoughts by the expression on his face. His scent was clean, masculine, without even a hint of anxiety or anger. Did that mean it didn’t bother him to hear talk of the wars from her perspective? Or that perhaps he had no remorse over the part he’d played in it.
“Before sunrise, my father told me not to leave the stronghold. He didn’t want me on the battlefield. There was no one to protect me and we were weak. I promised him I wouldn’t go but…”
“Saeed left to fight.” Ewan finished the thought for her and the dark undertone of his words sent a shiver over Sasha’s skin. “And you were concerned for his safety.”
Her chest ached with the admission. “Yes. I found him not far from the stronghold. Berserker forces were advancing and gaining ground. My father—all of the other vampires inside the keep—were put down by the sun and vulnerable. Saeed refused to let anyone die. He was the most honorable male I’d ever known. Brave. Caring. His sense of duty astounded me. If we lost him, I was sure we’d lose everyone. I couldn’t leave him unprotected.”
“He must be quite a male to have someone so fiercely loyal at his back.” Ewan’s tone left a tannic taste in her mouth. “We should all be so lucky.”
Sasha wasn’t going to sugarcoat any of this for him. He’d asked about her feelings for Saeed and he was going to get an honest answer. If he didn’t like what he heard, then that was just too damned bad.
“They should have retreated,” she continued. “But Saeed has always been stubborn and pressed on. He was surrounded by three warlords and losing momentum in the fight. They would have killed him if I hadn’t intervened. It was easy. They were focused on killing him. He was the biggest threat on the field. If they took him out, the stronghold would fall before sundown. I beheaded the first with my sword before he even realized I was behind him. The second was prepared for me and his strength overpowered me. But together Saeed and I managed to kill the two that remained. After that, we retreated and waited behind the safety of the wall until nightfall.”
“What city was this?” Ewan’s voice tightened with his words.
“Kiev.” It was the last vampire city in what was then Russia to fall before the coven retreated into Europe.
He let out a caustic bark of laughter. “I was on that battlefield.”
Sasha let out a breath. Gods.
Fate truly was an astounding force. Had Ewan been one of the warlords to attack Saeed, she might have killed him and her soul wouldn’t be tethered now. Of course, she’d seen Ewan fight. The more likely outcome would have been her death. And probably Saeed’s as well. Fate had seen fit to spare them all that day and Sasha marveled at its foresight. The Sortiari were fools to think they could bridle and steer something so out of their control. So misguided in their efforts to set things right.
“Do you love him still?” Ewan’s voice quieted to a dangerous simmer that was far more menacing than a shout.
Sasha waited a beat too long to reply. “No.”
“Are you sure about that?”
His doubtful tone convinced her to turn to face him. Ewan’s grim countenance sent a shiver of dread down Sasha’s spine. He was as deadly a creature as she’d ever laid eyes on. Why did it matter what she did or didn’t feel for Saeed? Ewan had made no promises to her. No proclamations of love. He considered her property and nothing more. A toy he wasn’t willing to share.
He pushed himself up from the bed and began to dress. Sasha’s heartbeat picked up its rhythm in her chest and she took several breaths to try and calm the hell down. She couldn’t keep up with his sudden mood swings. At one second passionate, and the next agitated. Calm and almost gentle and then stoic and brutal. She could do nothing but sit there in stunned silence and watch him throw on his clothes. She knew better than to try and understand his mood, his reason for leaving, or anything else. Gods, why did she even bother with him? Each day spent together became more difficult to handle. She was so over the drama.
“Remember what I said, Sasha.” Ewan tied the strings of his boots and headed toward the door. “You are mine. And anyone who thinks to challenge that will die by my hand.”
Like she’d seen him do one too many times already, Ewan strode from the bedroom with an angry, purposeful stride. Sasha listened as the apartment door opened and she flinched as it slammed shut.
Tears pricked at her eyes but she willed those traitorous bastards to dry. She wouldn’t shed a single tear over Ewan Brún or any other male ever again.
She was worth more than her tears.