Charlotte
I don’t know why, but I took us to Grams’s backyard. I thought maybe my son would like the hens like Meadow did, but when he looked up at me with a perplexed expression I wasn’t so sure.
“These are chickens.” Making a silly face at him I clucked a few times in my best chicken imitation. He stared vacantly at me. “Clearly, you got your father’s sense of humor,” I told him; though, I was only kidding. George had a great sense of humor. Of course our unborn son wouldn’t know any of this. “Go on,” I told him, motioning for him to go forward. “Go explore a little.”
With a bit of trepidation, he stepped off the porch and approached the clucking hens. The farther he walked away, the weaker I felt. The despair I felt rumbled inside of me, vibrating and threatening to crack me open from within and bleed out. It was taking every bit of my strength not to collapse into a heap of sobs. The expression on Ike’s face when he discovered I was pregnant was burned into my mind. Seeing that much pain in the eyes of someone you love so much felt like the equivalent of being stabbed in the chest.
A hand took mine, lacing my fingers with theirs. I didn’t have to look, I knew it was Grams. Marlena must’ve sent her back just after I left.
“I know it doesn’t feel this way, but everything will be okay, Charlotte Anne. I promise.”
I stared ahead at my son just in time to see him rear back when a hen clucked loudly in his direction. Grams chuckled. I knew things would be okay…or I believed they would…for me anyways. I would go back to life and with luck, fully recover. I’d wake up to George and my family, and eventually, I’d become a mother. I’d have a beautiful life. But only after I did the most difficult thing I’d ever have to do—say goodbye to Ike McDermott. Again. Before I could return to life, I’d have to first destroy not only my heart, but Ike’s as well.
“I…” I stopped, forcing down the emotion fisting in my throat. Don’t cry, Charlotte. Don’t you dare cry. “I—I don’t know what to say to him. How do I make this okay? How do I say goodbye to you and Axel? How do I say goodbye to Ike…again?”
“He will find peace again, love. It may take some time, but he will. And it isn’t goodbye, Charlotte. Surely you must know that more than anything. You will see him again. You will see us again.”
I turned to look at her and the walls I’d been working to hold up disintegrated. My Grams’s sweet face stared back at me, but not as the young vivacious woman she’d appeared as when I arrived, but as the rounder, gray-haired grandmother I remembered with the evidence of age etched across her face. Grams had changed herself…for me. Something about the familiarity of it wrecked me, and I stopped fighting. The hurt I’d been holding back erupted from within, and a shrill sob escaped me, followed by another and another. Still holding my hand, she led me to a bench and sat, making me lay my head in her lap. I cried harder than I ever had in my life. The happiness, the pain, the fear, the doubt, the love came pouring out of me as she stroked my head and spoke softly to me.
“Let it all out, Charlotte Anne. Purge it all.”
I don’t know how long I cried, but when the worst of it had passed, and all that remained was a soaked-faced woman with the hiccups laying her head in her grandmother’s lap, Grams said, “You’re going to be an excellent mother, Charlotte.”
I wish I’d felt as much faith in myself as she did. Through blurry eyes, I looked out at my son. He stood still as a statue in the center of the hen chaos around him. He was lost here. He didn’t know how to act like a little boy because he’d never had the chance to be one.
“This George…will he be happy?” Grams asked.
My mouth turned up, warmth seeping in my heart. “Yes. He’ll be thrilled. He’s going to be an amazing father.”
Sitting up, I wiped at my face and nose. Grams was still the version of her seasoned self. I gazed at her face, memorizing it. “Thank you for this, Grams,” I told her.
She smiled. “You should go and see to Ike and Axel before we run out of time.”
My chest tightened. I had no idea how to do this. I felt like it wasn’t possible that I could even make myself do it. It was always an impossible situation when it came to Ike and George. There was never any winning. And now, there was no other choice. My son. Another McDermott man.
Grams must’ve had some idea of what I was thinking by the look on my face because she said, “You must do it. There isn’t much time.”
I nodded and wiped under my eyes with my fingers.
“I’ll watch my great-grandson,” Grams volunteered. “Go on, now. Be strong.”
I hugged her tightly once more, then I disappeared.