For once, when I arrived at the office, Mrs V wasn’t knitting.
“Why won’t this stupid thing work?” She sighed.
“Is that your phone, Mrs V?”
“Yes. Armi bought it for me yesterday. I wanted a cerise one, but they only had white or black.”
“I didn’t have you down as a smart phone kind of a person.”
“Why? Because I’m getting on a bit? I still have all my faculties, you know.”
“I didn’t mean that. I know you have. I’ve just never seen you with a mobile phone before.”
“I’m not really a fan, but when I heard about the wap your grandmother had made, I had to get one.”
“What’s a—oh, hang on. Are you talking about an app?”
“Wap? App? Why do they have to use jargon? I heard that it would be available today, but I can’t see it on here.” She handed the phone to me.
“Have you actually installed it?”
“Installed what?”
“The wap—err—app?”
“How do I do that?”
“You have to go to the app store.”
She sighed again, even more exasperated this time. “Where’s that? I didn’t realise I’d have to go running around town.”
“The app store isn’t actually a store. Well, it is a store, but—”
“It’s all too complicated. Could you do it for me, Jill?”
“I’m not all that great with phones myself.”
“How disappointing. I was so looking forward to trying it.”
“Don’t worry. I know someone who’s a whizz with phones. Can I hang onto this for a while?”
“Do you think your friend will be able to do it for me today?”
“That depends if there’s any salmon.”
“Sorry?”
“Err—I said it depends on Sam Dunn. That’s my friend. It depends how busy he is.”
“Okay, well please do your best. I’ve been really looking forward to this.”
Winky was rolling around the floor, in hysterics.
“What’s so funny?”
“Sam Dunn? How do you come up with this stuff?”
“You shouldn’t be tabby-hanging.”
“It’s hard not to when you’re shouting at the old bag lady.”
“You know Mrs V is hard of hearing.”
“Pardon?”
“I said—oh, very funny.”
“I take it you want me to install a wap on her phone?”
“Yes, please.”
“Tinder?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. It’s something to do with knitting.”
“What’s it called?”
“I don’t remember. I suggested Grandma call it Copy Cat, but she didn’t like that name.”
“Whoa, back up. Why would you make such a slur?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You appear to be insinuating that cats have no originality. That they steal the ideas of others and claim them as their own.”
“Copycat? That’s just a saying. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Then why not say copy dog?”
“That doesn’t alliterate.”
“Okay. Copy koala, then.”
“That begins with a ‘K’.”
“How about copy cobra? Those pesky snakes are notorious for their counterfeit activities.”
“Okay, if it makes you happy, I’ll say copy cobra from now on.”
“Good. So, what’s this app called?”
“I remember now. It’s called: See It. Make It. A stupid name if you ask me.”
“I think it’s a great name. I’m not sure you should be questioning your grandmother’s nous for marketing, given her track record compared to yours.”
Touché. “Will you install the app or not?”
“Depends how much Sam Dunn you had in mind.”
“You can have salmon today and tomorrow.”
“And all next week.”
“Okay, okay. Just install the stupid app.”
He did his thing, and less than a couple of minutes later, handed the phone back to me. “All done. There’s a shortcut on the home screen.”
“Thank you.”
“Hey, while I remember. Do I get to travel to the wedding ceremony in the limousines with you guys?”
“Err—sorry, but there’s no room. You’re going to have to make your own way there.”
“Fair enough. Where’s the wedding taking place?”
There was no way I could allow Winky to walk down the aisle as my pagecat. If I did, I’d be a laughing stock. This might be my only chance to do something about it without hurting his feelings. If I gave him the name of the wrong hotel, by the time he realised, it would be too late, and the ceremony would be over. Was I a genius or what?
I wasn’t asking for your opinion. Don’t you recognise a rhetorical question when you hear one? Right there—that was another one.
“It’s at the Washbridge Hotel at two o’clock.”
“Got it. I’ll be there.”
Snigger.
Back in the outer office, I handed Mrs V her phone.
“All done. The app is installed. Look, it’s there on the home screen.”
“I thought you said you’d have to get your friend, Sam Dunn, to install it?”
“I—err managed to do it myself.”
“Thank you. Do you think you could show me how it works?”
Just then, my phone rang; Jack had managed to arrange for me to visit Chris Jardine in prison.
***
Chris was being held on remand at Longdale Prison, which was a thirty-mile drive from Washbridge. Although I didn’t relish the thought of visiting the prison, it did at least give me an excuse to leave Mrs V to try to sort out her new app by herself.
“Is it true about Sarah and Bill?” Were the first words out of Chris Jardine’s mouth.
“Mr Jardine, this is Jill Gooder,” the solicitor said. “I believe you’re expecting her.”
“Yes, sorry.” Chris slumped onto the metal chair. “You’re Jack’s wife, aren’t you?”
“No, yes, well almost. We’re getting married next week.”
“Was Sarah really having an affair with Bill?”
“I’m afraid so.” I nodded. “She told me so herself.”
At that, he broke down in tears. I’d never been comfortable around people when they cried, and for some reason, it seemed even worse when it was a man.
“I realise this is hard for you, Chris.” I passed him a tissue. “But, if I’m going to help you, I’ll need to ask you a few questions about your relationship with Bill, and the events of Tuesday night.”
“Sorry.” He took a deep breath and wiped his eyes. “This has all come as such a shock. I thought Sarah and I were solid. And I thought Bill was a friend.”
“Had you noticed any change in your wife’s behaviour recently?”
“Nothing. Nothing at all.”
“Can you talk me through what happened on Tuesday night?”
“It was a great night. At least, I thought so at the time. Jack and I beat Bill and Graham for the first time. Jack must have told you about it.”
“He did, but I’d still like to hear it from you.”
“Graham had to leave a couple of frames before the end, but we already had it sewn up at that point.”
“Do you know why he had to leave?”
“He got a phone call to say his brother had been taken into hospital, I think.”
“What happened after the match was over?”
“After Jack left, Bill and I had a cigarette in the car park as usual. Then Bill left, and that was the last time I saw him.”
“Did you give Bill the cigarette?”
“Yes. He never had any of his own because he was supposed to have given them up.”
“And you smoked a cigarette from the same packet?”
“That’s right. I know the police reckon I put poison on Bill’s cigarette, but that’s rubbish. I had no reason to kill him because I had no idea that he was seeing Sarah.”
“How did Bill seem when he left you?”
“Okay. As soon as we’d finished our cigarettes, we said goodnight and went our separate ways.”
***
I’d promised to try to identify Fluff, but I was going to need some help. It occurred to me that Mr Shuttlebug’s widow might still have his unpublished manuscript, so I gave her a call.
“You’ve reached the Shuttlebug residence. Deloris Shuttlebug speaking. I’m unable to take your call because I’m away from home for a few days. I will be back on Tuesday.”
Disappointing, but I’d just have to try again then. That wouldn’t leave long until the deadline for identifying the strange little creature, but I had no other bright ideas.
Mrs V and I were due to attend the grand opening of The Sea’s The Limit, so I called into the office to collect her on the way past.
“I’ve got it working, Jill.” She looked very pleased with herself about something.
“Got what working?”
“The wap. It’s very straightforward.”
“Good. Come on. We’d better get a move on.”
“Where are we going?”
“It’s the grand opening of The Sea’s The Limit. Had you forgotten?”
“I’m afraid I had. It’s all the excitement of my new phone. Shall I bring it with me?”
“If you like.”
“I think I will. I may see a nice jumper while we’re out.”
“You’re late, Jill.” Betty was standing by the entrance to The Sea’s The Limit.
“Sorry, I lost track of time.”
“All of the best seats have already gone, I’m afraid. There are just a few left on the back row.”
“I’m sure they’ll be fine.”
“Follow me.” She led the way inside. “We’ve managed to get Finn Waters to do the honours.”
“Who?”
“You must have heard of him. Finn does all those marine life documentaries.” She pointed to the few empty seats at the back of the large room, which contained two enormous tanks. “You’ll have to sit over there.”
“Okay. How come only one of the tanks has any fish in it?”
“The dangerous species will go in that tank, but we haven’t received the licence for them yet. We didn’t want to wait any longer—there have been enough delays already.”
“Is that Sid?” I pointed to the scuba diver in the tank that had no fish in it.
“It is. Sorry, Jill, I have to go and introduce Finn.”
“Okay. Good luck, Betty.”
Moments after Mrs V and I had taken our seats, Betty appeared on the small makeshift stage, accompanied by a short, stout man.
“Look at his jumper.” Mrs V nudged me.
“It’s horrible.”
“I think it’s nice.” She took out her phone and snapped a photo.
“Ladies and gentlemen.” Betty spoke into the mic. “Thank you for coming here today. Without further ado, it’s my great pleasure to welcome Finn Waters.”
“Thank you, Betty.” He took the mic. from her. “It is a great honour to be asked here to open The Sea’s The Limit. I’m pleased to confirm that the giftshop will be stocking my range of marine-themed jumpers and cardigans.” He pointed to his own jumper. “They’re available in all sizes, including children’s.”
“He’s just here to flog his horrible knitwear,” I whispered to Mrs V.
But I was wrong. He was there to bore us all to death for the next forty-five minutes, with talk of crustaceans and fish. By the time he’d finished, I was practically asleep.
“And so.” He picked up a magnum of champagne. “It gives me great pleasure to declare The Sea’s The Limit open.” He smashed the bottle on the tank closest to him.
And then it happened. At first, it was just a tiny crack in the glass, but that quickly spread. I glanced at Betty and could tell by the look of horror on her face that all was not well.
“Quick, Mrs V.” I grabbed her by the arm.
“What’s wrong?”
“Hurry up. We have to get out of here.”
We’d just reached the exit when I heard what sounded like a small explosion behind us.
“Jill, I really shouldn’t be running like this.”
“You have to.” I managed to drag her across the road and into EAWM. “Quick. Upstairs.”
“By the time we reached the top of the stairs, poor old Mrs V was gasping for air. “What was that all about?” She slumped onto one of the sun loungers on the roof terrace.
“Look!” I pointed to the road.
“Oh dear. That’s dreadful.”
Below us, a torrent of water was cascading down the street. Moments later, dozens of disgruntled people appeared—they were all soaked to the skin. In the middle of them was Betty who was trying her best to placate the angry crowd.
“What happened?” Mrs V had just about recovered.
“The tank broke when he hit it with the bottle.”
“Surely, that shouldn’t have happened?”
“It definitely shouldn’t have happened, but I do recall that Betty said they’d managed to get those tanks much cheaper than she’d expected.”
“It’s like I always say, Jill. You get what you pay for.”
Once the water had subsided, I walked Mrs V back to the office.
“Aren’t you coming in, Jill?”
“I’m going to call it a day. It’s my hen night tomorrow, so I want to conserve my energy for that. I thought I’d give myself the rest of the day off.”
“Okay, dear. Don’t drink too much tomorrow night.”
“Don’t worry. I have no intention of doing. Are you sure you wouldn’t like to join us?”
“Goodness, no.” She laughed. “My hen night days are well and truly behind me.”
“Okay, See you on Monday, then.”
***
I’d gone cold turkey for far too long. If I didn’t have a blueberry muffin soon, I’d get the screaming abdabs, so before heading home, I magicked myself to my favourite muffin emporium (and coincidentally, the only one that gave me a discount).
“Jill, you’ve timed it just right,” Amber said.
“Isn’t it supposed to be your day off?”
“It is, but I couldn’t miss the launch of our new self-order machines.”
“They’ve just finished commissioning them.” Pearl joined her sister behind the counter. “I gave Amber a call because I knew she’d want to be here to see them in action.”
“Where’s your Lil, Amber?”
“I dropped her off at Mum’s.”
“You’ll wear poor old Aunt Lucy out.”
“I’ll only be here an hour or so, and besides Mum loves it. It’s not like my Lil is any trouble.”
If Pearl picked up on the subtle dig, she didn’t react. She was much too enthralled with the machines. “You can be the first person to place an order with them, Jill.”
“I just popped in for a blueberry muffin and a caramel latte.”
“I know. Go and place your order on the machine.”
“But I’ve just told you what I want.”
“Come on, Jill. It’ll be fun.”
“Won’t it just.” I walked over to the machine closest to me. I was already familiar with the format, having used them in Burger Bay. I selected the muffin first, and then the drink. “Right, I’ve done it.”
“You have to pay before the order comes through to us.”
“Where’s the slot for the card?”
Amber laughed. “There isn’t one.”
“Why not?” And then I remembered that there were no credit or debit cards in Candlefield.
“You have to pay with cash,” Pearl shouted.
“Okay.” I slipped some coins into the slot. “There. Done it.”
Amber and Pearl were both staring at the small terminal behind the counter.
“Is anything happening?” I shouted.
“Not yet.”
“It’s very slow, isn’t it?”
“Have some patience—here it comes now!” Amber shrieked.
“Let me!” Pearl tore off the slip before Amber could get to it.
“Didn’t we tell you that these machines would be brilliant?” Amber said.
I didn’t reply. I was too busy looking at the expression on Pearl’s face. “What’s up, Pearl?”
“Did you order a burger?”
“Of course I didn’t. You don’t sell them.”
“What about a strawberry milkshake?”
“I ordered a muffin and a latte. Why?”
“What’s wrong?” Amber snatched the slip from her sister. “This can’t be right.”
I walked over to the counter and took the slip from Amber.
“Oh dear. Have you seen the tiny print at the bottom? It says, Burger Bay.”
“What?” Pearl grabbed the slip from my hand.
“I told you that Burger Bay had just had some new machines installed. It looks like someone has sold you their old ones.”
“But they said they’d be reconditioned and re-programmed specifically for our shop.”
“It seems like the only changes they’ve made are the images on screen. I’m sorry to say this, girls, but I think you’ve been conned.”