The human body was a mystery.
It’s also fascinating.
I’d been poked and prodded, sliced open, and patched up and my skin still closed and reattached to form cohesive tissue.
My insides had been opened to surgeons yet if you looked at me, you could never tell how I’d once spent ten hours in an operating room to repair the bones that had been compromised by my illness.
Those were the times that even I couldn’t believe how I managed to wake up and breathe another gulp of air. Life wasn’t just precious because it’s finite.
Life’s precious because it’s fragile.
One wrong move by any of my doctors, one wrong dose of medication given to me could’ve ended everything for me.
I always believed a higher power, that there was a Being who looked after me, one who always stayed with me when I was on the hinge of falling apart. And this Being protected me so that I could meet the fate that was destined for me.
Every morning that I woke up, I’d never thought of it as another morning.
To me, it was another blessing, that I had one more day to roam this wonderful earth.
I’d been blessed with a set of wonderful parents who loved me unconditionally.
I’d been showered with great friends who saw through my insecurities and liked me for who I was.
I’d been graced to feel the warmth and intimacy of a man who savored my presence, even if at the beginning, he didn’t know what to do with me.
Webb.
I’m not sure if I’m ever going to see him again.
When he’d been asked by the airline security to go with them, I had a feeling he was trying to keep his composure. That he was shielding me from the inevitable – that something was bound to go wrong.
He might have kept a determined face, but I’d seen a flicker in his eyes. For a second, it was there. Fear. It burned as fast as it appeared, but I saw it.
I stood there, waiting for him or Liam to appear, just as he’d instructed.
I’d been looking at my phone so I didn’t see the two guys approaching me.
It was too late for me to react once the needle punctured my skin. The tall guy acted so fast, like he’d been doing this all his life.
I’d taken a lot of drugs – some that had not even appeared at the desks of the FDA. They were all meant to decrease the pain that I felt when my body’s antibodies threatened my immune system. They were meant to save me.
Now the one that the bad guy, there’s nothing else to call him because I sensed his evil scent before the drug took over my system. The effect was slow yet it was dangerous. I felt euphoric and sad; calm then anxious; then, I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore.
I didn’t know how long I’d been like this. There were moments when I had a bearing of where I was – in a very dark space, but I was moving. I heard conversations at times then silence. I listened for familiar sounds and a few times, I could discern them – car horns, alarms from ambulances and fire trucks, loud music, and tidbits of people talking.
My hands were tied, and my underwear was wet. Maybe from sweat, maybe from pee. I couldn’t tell the difference.
One of the guys, a short guy with brown skin and dark eyes, came to give me another dose of the drug and since then, I’d felt my heart hammering.
My insides were shaking, but there was one part of my body that I somewhat had control of.
My mind.
I might be shaking, but I allowed my mind to become still and I thought of happy and peaceful moments.
My dad. The way his eyes looked when he dropped me off at college. Many parents thought of sending their kids to college one day but with my parents, they didn’t even know if I’d survive past 15 so it was understandable that my dad got misty-eyed when he gave me a hug and a kiss before leaving me on university grounds.
My mom. She’d always been the one to give me a reality check, but she did so in a loving, motherly way. I’d wanted to go to prom, but I was too sick. She’d wrangled the hospital administration to create a Prom Night for the kids who were over 12 with the consent of their parents. It was a magical night and at the end of the evening, she’d looked at me with ferocity and kindness and whispered, “You are one of the best things I’ve ever done, baby girl.” She’d hugged me tightly and we stayed up talking way past curfew and we solidified our mother-daughter bond that day.
My friends…Dyan, Denton, Mario, and Liam. They brought so much laughter in my life, even when there seemed none to be found. College wouldn’t be the same without them. And yes, Liam is my friend.
Whatever this drug they’d injected me with was, it was really potent. I had control of my mind but there were times when I couldn’t decipher if my thoughts were real. Or if they were a dream. I found myself whispering words that I couldn’t even understand, as if my brain was not catching up to what my mouth was trying to say. It was scary, frightening, and lucidity was getting harder and harder to grasp.
My body jerked forward and there was nothing I could do.
The dizziness that I’d been feeling hadn’t left me, but I could tell that my sense of smell was starting to go.
I couldn’t even tell if I peed on myself or if it was body odor or fumes that I was smelling. It was all starting to meld into nothing-ness.
“Is it true what they say, that when you can’t smell anything, you’re getting closer to heaven?” One of the kids in the hospital unit asked. He was a lot younger than me, probably around seven years old. We were all sitting in front of Riki, the child development specialist, on the floor during activity and sharing time.
Riki had smiled and said, “I’m not sure, Mello. Who told you that?”
Mello, the frail boy answered, “My Gammie.”
Mello passed away two days later. I knew because I saw his parents crying outside of his room and when his mom met my eyes, I saw the devastation in them. As if she no longer had the will to live. It was one of the saddest days of my life.
I didn’t have many regrets. I would have loved to hug my loved ones one more time. I would have loved to kiss Webb one more time.
I wish I could have told him that I loved him.
I wish I could have thanked him for being gentle with me when we made love for the first time. My mind wandered, holding on to the loving memories of him seeing me open and bare to him for the first time.
The taste of his aftershave when he’d sucked on my bottom lip.
The contrasting light and rough touches he adorned my body with when he was exploring me, from the brush of his hands over my cheeks to the gentle nudges his fingers made when he caressed my nipples and slowly proceeded to skim my center.
The change in the color of his eyes…from ice blue to darkened, smoldering gray when he entered me and the way his jaw tightened as he whispered, “Fuck baby, you’re so tight.”
The weight of his body when he was on top of me, and the intimacy that we created as we became one. My body welcoming him as if he’d always belonged there and him reaching out to me on the deepest level only a man like him could.
My love for him didn’t grow overnight. It started out as an attraction and blossomed into this – an overpowering mix of passion and affection. I pushed him and pushed him to acknowledge what was happening between us. I’m not sure why I did it then.
But now I knew why.
Because our time together was limited. Time wasn’t on our side. Would never be on our side.
The body is an amazing, intricate work of a Master.
And I knew mine…
Mine was slowly disintegrating, giving up.
Wherever we were, we’d come to a stop.
I didn’t feel any movement.
But now I heard thundering, extremely loud voices.
My eyes had been closed for a long time. Even if I’d tried to open them, I couldn’t see anything because of a tight blindfold.
My legs had been cramped into a small space and my muscles had contracted to a point where even sitting down would take a huge effort.
I’d held on this long, but now, I couldn’t.
I was slowly…
Slowly…
Fading away.
Flashes of light hit my eyes.
The tight piece of cloth was loosened against my head.
I still couldn’t see anything.
I heard crashing, pounding, as if a man was being lifted up and thrown like garbage.
A yell pierced my ears, “Mierda!”
I couldn’t tell what it was, maybe I was hallucinating, or maybe I was now meeting my Maker.
My eyes were blurry and I was going in and out of consciousness, but I could see a body of a man being punched and kicked repeatedly.
How many times can a man endure such punishment before his body gave up?
I saw shadows of another guy being thrown against the ground. And even in my current state, I felt the potency of rage flowing from the big guy creating chaos around him, while I was being held by a set of strong arms.
The sounds of an incoming ambulance penetrated my skull, followed by sirens.
Lights, lights, flashes of light then darkness again.
My head was being cradled and my body was being lifted and I couldn’t do anything about it.
I felt heavy...boneless…and weightless all at the same time.
My mind was trying to comprehend was what happening, but my neurons weren’t firing at full capacity.
A strangled whisper reached my ears, “Is she going to be okay?”
“Sir, we need you to let us do our job.” A stern voice said, “You need to step away.”
“No fucking way,” the unbreachable voice came again.
I knew him. That voice.
I felt sticky stuff being put on my chest, and again, the sounds of beeping and crackling.
I tried to take a breath but I couldn’t.
My mind tried to distinguish through my memory bank to name the voice but I couldn’t.
I felt so weak...
Tired.
I was splintering into pieces and I had no way of stopping it…
So I allowed the darkness to take over.