CHAPTER 18:
JUNIPER
I checked the time on my phone and it read five past eight. Ben and I had finished dinner, and I still had him all to myself. There was no need for him to rush off because his probation period had ended. No more curfew. No more expiration on our time together. We were currently wandering around a local thrift store. I'd mentioned the band's 80’s gig happening in a few days, and how I still needed an outfit for the night, so he'd insisted we find something.
“How about this?” he asked, holding up a hot-pink skirt with lots of ruffled layers.
“Yes!” I said, excited because it was the first thing that might just work. Finding items from that decade was proving harder than expected. And then I squealed because I spotted something absolutely perfect. I took off across the store for it.
“What?” Ben questioned, following me into the men's section.
“This!” I held up a puffy red vest. “For you.”
His eyes widened. “Um?”
“And...” I remembered something else I'd seen in the women's section. It had been way too big for me. A jean jacket. I rushed back across the store and grabbed it. All I needed now was the right button-up shirt and the outfit would be complete. I found that part easily back in the men's section. Ben chuckled as I returned with the shirt and jean jacket.
“Okay, I get it now. Marty McFly from Back to the Future. Cool.”
“Really, you’d wear this? You’ll come to 80’s night?”
“Of course.” He had such an easy smile on his lips. “Why wouldn't I?”
I’d never had someone so supportive in my whole life. “It’s not lame?”
“Nah, it’ll be fun.” He took the red vest, the jean jacket, and the button-up shirt out of my arms, and proceeded to try the ensemble on right there in the middle of the store. “How do I look?” he asked once he had everything on.
Fine. It didn’t matter what he wore, he always looked damn fine. That same feeling of heat and shyness spread rapidly through my body. This sort of thing kept happening to me lately—no less than five times a day. I could barely control my hormones around him. “Good,” I muttered. “You look good.”
He knew the effect he had over me. He had to know. Because he brushed his fingers tenderly up the length of my right arm, in a way meant to tease, shooting one hell of a cocky grin my way. “Let’s go buy what we have and then get home,” he said, his voice thicker than it had been a moment ago, his eyes a little darker somehow. “There’s another thrift store in Kitty Hawk. We can look for more stuff there tomorrow.”
I nodded. Suddenly I was very ready to get home, too. Every time Ben referred to our new place as home it made me want to jump his bones. Even right here—under the fluorescent lights, in the dingy aisles, among the used clothes.
Home. It wasn’t until later, after we’d made it back to the house, and made love another two times that I realized that, for the first time in my entire life, I really was home. Ben was my home now. And I'd just started to drift off to sleep, my chest and heart gooey over the thought of home, when Ben whispered, “there's something you should know.”
My eyes popped open. The darkness of the room surrounded us.
“What?” I whispered.
I couldn't see him to see his face. But either way, nothing good ever started with there's something you should know. A sour ‘I-swallowed-battery-acid’ feeling hit my stomach. I clung to the memory of the ‘I-love-you’ he'd whispered to me hours ago during sex.
What a moment that had been. Right at the peak of my orgasm. I wasn't entirely sure he even realized he’d said it. Or if he did, I don't think he'd meant for it to come out then. But it had. And I'd said it back. Whatever he tells you won't matter, I thought to myself. Because next he sighed, and it was one shitty sigh—heavy with emotion and regret. Worry hit me hard. I reached out, touching his shoulder, and I felt a slight tremble run through him.
Ben—the athletic and hard and all male type wasn't someone I'd ever expect to let anything affect him. But he had his demons. It was a sadness I could see in his eyes sometimes. And in the afterglow of sex, in the darkened room, I could feel the heaviness of whatever he wanted to tell me.
Trying to make light of the moment, I awkwardly and half-jokingly said, “As long as you don't tell me you would enjoy choking the fuck out of me during sex, whatever you need to tell me I can handle. It’ll be okay.”
“Wait. What?”
I instantly regretted my words.
I wasn’t completely sure why I had let them slip out. Especially in this moment. Especially when he was trying to open up to me about something clearly important. Shit. I swallowed hard, completely embarrassed and annoyed with myself.
“Nothing. You were saying?”
“Dammit,” he swore. Then I heard as he rustled around in the bed, sitting up, searching for something. “It would be helpful if we had a lamp,” he muttered. Finally he located whatever he’d been searching for—his phone. He hit a button, giving the room a small glow. His face was soft and unjudging. He stared down at where I still lay in bed. “Tell me what you meant first, Juniper, please. I need to know now.”
Consciously, I hadn’t meant to divert the conversation away from whatever he’d been about to say. Unconsciously, maybe I had. Either way, now I had to tell him something I never intended to tell anyone. I curled up on my side, facing away from him, because looking at him was difficult right this moment.
“Quinton was controlling…in every way.” Ben already knew that much, but he didn’t know the extent of it all. “He always needed me to behave a certain way, dress a certain way, and say the right words to the right people. In the daytime, he wouldn’t physically ever touch me. During sex he was much… rougher. Terrifyingly rough.”
“He liked to choke you?” Ben said, his voice a hoarse whisper now.
“Yes.” Among other things. “I guess you could say it was his obsession. I mean, I know some people enjoy it, and get off doing it, but Quinton always took it too far. He knew I hated it. He knew it terrified me. I think that was the real reason he loved it so much. And he did it as a means of punishment. The more I’d misbehaved during the day and angered him, the more he needed me to suffer at night. I’d frequently lose consciousness during his ‘punishments’ and regain consciousness only to find…” I groaned, not wanting to get into too much detail. “That’s why I had to run away. He wouldn’t have let me go peacefully. I was afraid. I’m still afraid.”
“You’d regain consciousness and find what? What would he do?” Ben questioned.
I felt as if a million needles were pricking my skin talking about this. Digging up these memories hurt much more than I expected. I’d compartmentalized them nicely, putting them away in a box in my mind, left alone and unopened, since I'd met Ben. Reopening them was the last thing I wanted. Although—I’d been the one to bring this conversation up. Perhaps some part of me needed Ben to know everything, needed to him know because maybe he was the only one who could make the world a safe place for me again.
“He’d have finished having sex with me while I wasn’t conscious—in ways I never would have allowed.”
“That’s rape,” he whispered.
“Even if I consented initially? Even if I stayed in the relationship?”
“Yes.”
Call me in denial, but I really didn’t want to think about it that way. I mean, I’d never had sex—that I knew of—without a condom. So, in one of those moments where Quinton had taken advantage of me he must have ditched the condom. He must have come inside of me without my knowledge. Right? How else are babies made? Of course he had. That meant the twins were conceived in such a terrible way. I didn’t want to believe they were conceived in that way.
Ben said nothing for several moments, maybe even minutes, before I felt him lay back down beside me. He let the glow of his phone expire and he didn’t tap it again for more light. His arm brushed against my back, but otherwise he didn’t embrace me or anything like that. Perhaps he didn’t think it was the right time to do so. He did say something so shocking it made me catch my breath.
“I love you.” He said it to the blackness of the room. “I love you,” he repeated almost as if he were realizing it for the first time himself. “I said it earlier, I know, but that wasn’t the moment I should have first said it.”
“And now is?” I whispered. Now was pretty much a terrible moment.
“Yes.” His voice was steady and confident. “I’m in love with you. I’ll do anything to protect you. You said you were still afraid—don’t be. I won’t ever let him near you again. I’ll never let him near the twins either. You’re safe with me. Juniper, baby, I promise.”
Holy shit. I went from feeling terrible one moment to feeling like I was flying the next. Because that was what it felt like hearing those words—like flying. Like if my heart grew any fuller it might burst. “I love you, too,” I told him. It was impossible not to be madly in love with this man.
I rolled over, snuggling in against his warm body. I used his chest as a pillow; the steady beat of his heart against my ear had to be the most comforting thing in the world.
“What did you need to tell me originally?” I asked.
“It’s not important right now.” His arms squeezed me tighter. “I’ll tell you tomorrow.”
* * *
Ben never did tell me whatever he needed to the next day. Or the next day after that. I didn’t press him, although I did wonder.
“Should it be a joint baby shower?” Ellie asked, pacing in circles around my kitchen. She and Georgina were over at the house. Georgina leaned against the counter. Her belly stretched out the pale blue t-shirt she wore, proving that she was much further along than I was. They’d come over under the pretense of bringing some ‘used silverware’ for Ben and me to have. But the set they’d brought wasn’t even missing a single spoon and it looked brand new to me. Also, I suspected the real reason they’d come over was to talk about this baby shower stuff.
I appreciated their silverware gift. But that didn’t change the fact that I felt damn intimidated now. This was the first time I’d spent any amount of time alone with either of Ben’s sisters.
Bang. Bang. Bang.
Ellie faltered in her pacing for a moment, listening to the sound coming from outside, before she kept on needlessly moving and talking about this baby shower she wanted to have. “I mean, I’m going to have to throw one for both of you anyway. Why not kill two birds—or three since you’re having twins, Juniper—with one stone and get it all over with? What’s the normal sisterly protocol in this type of a situation? Are we going to have to play terribly lame games at this thing? You all know I’m complete shit when it comes to girly stuff like this.”
Bang. Bang. Bang.
The sound outside was a little distracting, but I didn’t dwell on it. Instead I quickly answered Ellie. “I appreciate the thought, but I don’t need a shower. Seriously, it’s super nice of you to think of me, but who would even come?”
“I’d come,” Georgina piped in to say. “And Sydney and Rose. And I’m sure my mom and grandma will want to be there. I think a joint shower would be a great idea.”
Anxiety prickled at my skin. I instantly started to sweat. “I don’t know. They’re not Ben’s babies. Won’t it be awkward when I have to repeatedly tell everyone that at the party?”
Bang. Bang. Bang.
“Motherfucking Christ!” Ellie snapped, making me jump at her sudden outburst. “What the fuck is Ben doing outside?”
“He’s building furniture,” I explained. I’d thought Ben was absolutely bat-shit crazy when he told me yesterday his idea to make furniture. But he seemed convinced he could do it. He watched a few how-to videos online. Then he borrowed his dad’s tools, started taking apart some old shed in the backyard, “repurposing the wood” as he called it, and just started creating. In only four hours he had a coffee table built. And it was surprisingly beautiful. Like ‘I-can’t believe-you-made-this, we-should-sell-this’ beautiful. After he sanded down the weathered wood, stained it, and coated it with polyurethane—his creation and design became something amazing. “The coffee table he made is outside drying. He’s got a few more coats of that poly stuff to put on it before it’s finished. He’s making two end tables now. Anyway—”
Ellie walked to the window to check out what he was doing. “Wow. No shit. My brother is a boy scout.” She watched him for only a moment before returning to our conversation. “So, no shower for you then Juniper?”
“What if you just told everyone they were Ben’s babies?” Georgina suggested. She had the most beautifully long brown hair, like silk, and she pushed it over one shoulder as she spoke. She made pregnancy look easy. Trust me, it wasn’t. And she sounded so innocent as she suggested I lie to everyone. I had no idea how Ben would even react to something like that.
“I couldn’t do that,” I told her honestly.
“Okay. Well what if the shower was just immediate family? You have to let us do something for you,” she practically begged. “Anything.”
“Fine,” I said, finally giving in. “Just family. And no extravagant gifts. Just the basics. We only need…” I trailed off in the middle of my sentence because at that very moment I felt one of the babies kick. There had been a couple times where I’d thought I’d felt movement, but never anything like this before. It was like a jab from the inside. And I squealed. Ben had just asked me this morning if I’d felt anything new lately. We’d been worrying over why I hadn’t felt them more yet. I guess we’d been worrying for no reason.
The feeling came once more, and I squealed again.
“What is it?” Georgina asked.
Smiling, I couldn’t even respond. I left the girls and ran outside to Ben. He stood in the hot sun, hammering away, with his shirt off and sweat glistening on his tanned back. “Ben!” I yelled, rushing up to him. I’d never been so excited to share something with someone in my whole life. “They kicked! One of them kicked!”
He dropped his hammer, turning toward me. “Yeah!”
Immediately my shirt went up and his warm hands rested on my belly. We both waited in silence for the feeling to happen again. For several long minutes, nothing happened at all. I started to question if I’d completely imagined the kick when it finally happened once more, right in the spot where Ben’s hand rested on my stomach.
He sucked in a sharp breath. “I felt it!”
“Me too!”
He was equally as excited as I was, and I loved it.
A minute or two later, after a couple more kicks, I left him with his wood-working creation, while I returned inside to his sisters. But sharing that moment with him really had been the most wonderful thing.
“I’m glad Ben found you,” Ellie commented as I came back inside, feeling flushed and excited. “He seems really happy.”
“Thanks,” I said to her. “We are happy. I know I am at least.”