Hope:
Last night was one I will never forget. I mean let’s face it, this whole summer is going to be one I’ll never forget, but going out last night was a blast. Seeing for the first time a little glimpse of this life outside of tour and how people react was insane. I’m still on cloud nine this morning. We’ve been on the bus for a few hours but finally reached Chicago. I am in my bus relaxing because yesterday was a long day and we don’t have a show for a few hours. I woke up to more messages, requests and comments than I’ve seen in a lifetime.
Mom: Hope, first of all I know that you’re an adult and it’s your life, BUT you don’t make life changing decisions without talking to your family about them! Please call me, I just want to know the details and know that you’re taken care of. I love you.
Tay: HOPPPPPEEE!!! That’s it, if my sister is going to be famous, you BETTER bring me along for the ride. CALL ME, love you.
Anna: I’m so happy for you!!! I can’t wait until you guys stop through here. I want to meet everyone and know all of the details. Are you moving to LA? When will that start? I love you!
I laugh and respond to their messages, telling my mom that I love her but to take a chill pill. I tell Taylor we will talk about it, but she knows mom will kick my ass if I pull her away from home without her finishing school. I send Anna a text telling her I’ll call later and then I open my Facebook.
My excitement builds as I look through all the likes, comments, messages and requests. I see Chase shared my announcement and that makes my stomach do a little flip. As I’m scrolling my bliss is put to a dead stop as I see a particular name in my likes. Josh Rives. What the fuck!? I mean I know we are still friends online, but it’s been at least six months since I’ve seen his name in my notifications. The last time being when he thought it was okay to call me out of the blue because ‘he missed me’, turned out he just wanted some female attention, because that only lasted two weeks. Then poof he was a ghost. I toss my phone to the foot of my bed and sigh in frustration. Just when I slowly starting to move on with my life, he finds a way to creep back in. I know it is probably only because of the attention I received, but it still fucking stings. I swear men have a knack for making sure to remind you of them, just when you’re moving on.
I rub my temples, close my eyes and mentally remind myself that although the ache is still somewhat there, my life is better for this. I am just about to get up and get ready for the day when my phone beeps. I look to see a message from Chase.
“Are you awake?”
I sit up quickly when I hear walking outside of my bus. I hop up, look outside my small window and see him standing by my door. I quickly run my fingers through my hair, spray some perfume on and check my reflection in the mirror. I’m in yoga pants and a grey tank, but whatever. I reply to his message.
“Yes, I am. Do you need something?”
I ask, trying to act like I don’t know he’s right outside my door. I look at my phone anxiously awaiting a response, but jump when I hear a knock on my door instead of my phone. I take a second to collect myself and answer to see Chase with a big ass smile on his face and holding a large iced coffee. Bless his soul, I need caffeine.
“Hi” I say full of the excitement that I just can’t seem to contain around him anymore.
“Good morning. I was wondering if you wanted to go for a walk? I brought your mandatory coffee.”
I can’t help but laugh as I step out of my bus and take the cup from him. “You are a lifesaver. I am on zero this morning. Where are we walking?”
I take a drink of my coffee and look at him curiously.
“I just thought we could walk around and talk a bit before we have to start working. Did you have a good time last night?”
I squint my eyes to look at him, mentally kicking myself for not grabbing my sunglasses.
“Yes, I did. I always have a blast going out to dance, but that was nothing compared to bars back home. Thanks for asking me to go.”
He smiles and meets my eyes. I look away quickly, but I feel his gaze still on my face.
“Speaking of back home, what did you do there before this?”
“I worked random office jobs. I have my degree in business so I did a lot of that type of clerical work. Boring as hell. I’m so thankful Ariel asked me to stay full time, because I wasn’t planning on going back to that; or to home really. There’s nothing for me there.”
I stop talking, feeling like I’ve said to much, but he just smiles and continues to question me. I am curious as to where all these questions are coming from, but I guess he’s just trying to get to know me since we will be working together.
“So, did you leave a boyfriend back home or something. Is that what you meant about bad luck with men?”
I’m a bit taken aback by his question so I stammer over my words.
“Um, sort of. I mean, not really. I have been single for about a year now. I just haven’t had good luck like I said.”
He must sense it’s a sore subject, because he frowns before replying.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get to personal. I was just curious how someone like you is single.”
I blush and smile so big I probably look like an idiot, I just can’t control my emotions around this man.
“Well, like I said I just haven’t had the best luck with guys I guess. I am a hopeless romantic caught in what seems to be a hookup generation. I thought I found someone who wasn’t like that finally and I was just played for a fool. I’ve stayed completely single since. I guess I sort of just locked myself away and focused on my future. That’s kind of why I jumped at this job without a thought really. It is everything I ever wanted, plus I really needed a fresh start.”
Chase smiles and seems to look relieved, although I’m not sure why. All I do know is he is opening a part of me I’ve tried very hard to keep locked away. I can’t control it when I’m around him, but it terrifies me that he has this effect on me.
“What about you? Why are you single? Mr. famous rock star. You have to have a million women willing to date you in a minute’s notice.”
He shakes his head and sighs, I must’ve hit a nerve.
“That right there is why I’m single. Everyone just wants the famous rock star, they don’t take time to get to know me as just Chase. I don’t want to invest time in someone who just wants me for the title. I guess I learned the hard way what this life can do and I just don’t want to ever go back there.”
Something inside me stirs at that moment and I can’t help but reach out and grab his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. Yeah, I’m in big trouble if things continue on this way. But part of me doesn’t ever want this to stop.
***
It’s been about a week since Chase and I had our “interview” I guess you’d call it. We have pretty much hung out every day after the shows since playing a round of twenty questions. It’s not always just me and him, but him and the guys. I swear, the man is so passionate about his music it’s insane. All they seem to talk about is what they are going to work on next, what they need to improve on and where they want to be in the next year. I understand being so passionate about something that you do whatever you can to make it happen, especially after his set back. That is something no one has brought up, well besides Ariel telling me on my first day. That day seems like a lifetime ago sometimes, although it’s only been a few weeks.
The last few weeks here have been like a whole new life for me. I work so hard, but I have never been happier. The heartbreak Josh left me with has even lessened. I am living my dreams and truly finding happiness. I can’t even describe the feeling I have when I get to watch some of my favorite bands perform. It’s like every weight I’ve ever had on my chest lifts away.
For that little bit of time during the sets, I feel completely free. I can’t lie and say taking this job healed my brokenness completely, but it’s getting there. I still find myself wondering what Josh is doing at random times of the day, and occasionally shed a few tears when I’m alone in my bunk at night. I still question what I didn't have some nights, but each day it gets easier. I feel like this is where I am meant to be. I feel like I am finally finding out who I am.
Hopping out of the shower, I hear my phone go off. I wrap the towel around my body and walk the few feet to my bunk. It’s a message from my friend Anna. I haven’t talked to her in a few weeks, since I started work. I feel terrible so I quickly open it so I can apologize for being so busy.
Anna: Hey girl! I hope you are doing well and that the job is everything you wanted and more. I know you are probably busy running around listening to hot ass men play some great music, but I just saw Josh at the mall and I wasn’t sure whether to text you. I just thought I’d want to know, so you would too. I’m sorry Hope, but it looks like he lied about wanting to be single…or changed his mind.
My heart drops and I click the image she attached. I zoom in to see the far away picture and the nauseating feeling in my stomach I had a year ago returns. I see Josh walking hand in hand with a tall, beautiful, blonde woman. I start to throw my phone when another message comes in. This picture showing them kissing. Just like that all the pain I thought had gone away, rushes in like a tidal wave.
Giving me a harsh reminder that although I am loving this new journey, the feelings I have can’t be pushed away so easily. All the “I’m not ready. I’ll tell you when I am.” “It’s not you, it’s me” “I don’t want to date anyone right now”. It was all lies. He just didn’t want me anymore. I wasn’t good enough for him. I’m not good enough for love. I reply a simple “thanks for letting me know.” and toss my phone on the bed.
A few traitorous tears fall and I look in the mirror. There I see the girl I swore I was leaving behind when I got on the flight that day. So, splash some cool water on my face and return my gaze to the mirror.
“Suck it up,” I say out loud to myself. “ No matter how much it hurts, no matter how broken you feel in this moment, this is where you are meant to be. You know this and you wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t ended it. You’re traveling Hope. You’re seeing places you never have, you are working with famous musicians. You are living your dreams. So suck it up and keep living them.”
I wipe my tears and grab my Bluetooth speaker. Connecting my phone, I blare some Palisades and start getting ready.
CHAPTER 6
Hope:
All morning I have tried to stay focused on work and as much as I am enjoying it, nothing is keeping Josh off of my mind. I have dropped everything I have touched today. I am nearly ready to tell Ariel that I don’t feel well and need to lie down for a bit when she comes running up to me with coffee.
She gives me a look like she can read my mind and hands me a cup.
“You look like you need it. You okay girl? You don’t seem yourself today.”
I smile, thankful for the steaming cup of coffee, or my “get your shit together” potion.
“I’m okay, just some stuff from back home. I’m sorry I’m a mess today. I’ll try to make sure I don’t screw anything up. I was about to ask if I could just go lay down for a bit before the show, but I don’t want to seem like I can’t do this job.”
She frowns, “Shit, is everything okay with your family? No one died or anything right. Oh, shit, I’m sorry if that is what happened. I am horrible at this, I get nervous and talk out of my ass when bad things happen.”
I laugh for the first time since yesterday, and continue to laugh until tears form in my eyes.
“Oh my God. No! No one died. Geesh! I’m sorry, I love this job, but if someone died. I’d be heading home.”
Ariel smiles, “Well I’m glad, because I really like having you here. I’d hate for you to leave after you decided to stay!”
I can’t help but feel an overwhelming amount of gratitude, and adoration for this woman. She really has been so welcoming and helpful ever since I started. She is more of a friend then a boss or “coworker” as she says.
“I am having the time of my life, there’s no way in hell I will choose to leave. Shit, I don’t ever want the summer to end. As cheesy as it sounds, all of my dreams are coming true working here.”
She gives me a one armed hug, gestures to the stage and we start walking.
“Great, because I know we talked about you joining us for the long run, but I spoke to the lawyers today to get paperwork started just in case. If you like the terms and sign the contract you would be permanently be a part of our team. Meaning touring with us every couple of months, helping me plan, and possibly even moving closer to me. I’m in LA, the boys are in Cincinnati. But you take the time to think about it, it’s a big decision.”
I stop dead in my tracks. It takes her a second to realize I’m not next to her and she turns around giving me a huge smile.
I am shocked, “Are you fucking with me?!?! Because, if you are then I am going to slap you. I’d probably feel immediately guilty and apologize then beg to keep my job, but I’d-”
“Hope! Hope, calm down.”
She stops me mid-sentence and I shut up, and nod for her to talk.
“I’m serious. You fit in with this world. The whole crew loves you, we get along great, you work your ass off and you do this job very well. I can tell how happy you are in this element. Well… except for today.” She laughs and continues.
“We can go over the pay and details later, but I like I said the other day, I would love for you to be full time with us. This just makes it official. Now, let’s head to the stage. We have a job to do.”
*******
I’m sitting backstage watching Rising Aggression finish up their last song, but my thoughts are elsewhere. My whole world is about to change if I let it. I’m so overwhelmed with emotion it’s ridiculous. I don’t know if I want to laugh, cry or scream at the top of my lungs out of shock.
I am ecstatic that my dreams have just been handed to me on a silver platter, but my heart still aches at the news I received this morning. I pull out my phone and search Josh Rives on Facebook. Sure enough, his profile says he is now in a relationship. I click through his pictures and see images of him and a tall, beautiful blonde. The exact opposite of me. In that moment, I decide that he has hurt me enough and I delete him off of my friends list. The song ends so I throw my phone in my pocket with a sense of accomplishment and head to setup the meet and greet stand.
Ariel and I help the crew breakdown the equipment and I watch RA from afar as they finish up their meet and greet. Seeing the girls react to meeting Chase makes me laugh. But I can’t say I blame them, if I didn’t work with him I would act the same way. Hell, I probably act that way sometimes now.
I am not paying attention and accidentally trip over a chord, and nearly fall on the drum set. Causing the cymbals to crash together and a loud clang echoes through the speakers. I turn around to see if anyone saw the catastrophe and of course everyone is staring at me. I see Ariel and Chase come running up to me and feel the heat rising to my face from embarrassment.
“Are you okay!?” They yell in unison.
I shake my head and stand, “um yeah, I’m just really embarrassed. Sorry for causing such a commotion, I've just been distracted today. I am also a fucking klutz.” I chuckle.
“Don’t be embarrassed, I’m just glad you’re okay.” Ariel says and I can’t help but start to laugh out loud.
“Why are you laughing?” Chase asks.
“Because my life today has just been one big mess and I don’t want to cry so, laughing is the only other option. I’m okay, just need to eat dinner, shower and sleep.”
I shrug and Ariel smiles before heading back to talk to the bus driver.
Chase walks over to me and places his arm on the small of my back.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
I smile, “yeah, I just - just some stuff from my past got brought up today and it messed with my head.”
He frowns, “Do you want to talk about it?”
He’s so close to my face we’re almost touching, I lose my ability to speak as I stare into his gorgeous blue eyes.
“I um- no. I’m okay, thank you though Chase.”
He smirks then touches my cheek, not moving his hand as he begins to talk.
“You’re so different, Hope. Ever since you started here I’ve noticed it. You just have this thing about you that I’ve never seen before. I meet a lot of girls in this business, I don’t say that to talk myself up. I just mean I meet a lot of different ones and none of them are like you. I’ve never met anyone like you. You are so passionate, and unapologetically yourself.”
I start to interrupt, to tell him that I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing, I am just trying my hardest to make my dreams come true, but then he shakes his head as to tell me no. Confused I start to speak again and before I can he leans in. My palms get sweaty as I feel the heat rise in my body. Then, before I know it he stops and runs his fingers through his hair. He gives me a smirk and turns to walk to his bus, shaking his head.
I am confused as hell.
“What the fuck just happened?!” I twirl around to see if anyone witnessed the encounter between Chase and I. Either nobody did, or they’re all very good at pretending they didn’t. I hope to God it’s the prior. I don’t need that gossip going around the tour. Then, this dream job might become a nightmare.
I glance back to where Chase was and see the faint outline of him still heading back to his bus.
“Did he - no. No! He couldn’t have. But it seemed like. I-um...did he just?”
I laugh, realizing I am talking to myself, out loud, where people can hear me...while pacing back and forth. Great! Shaking my head, I walk to the stage. Now they’ll think I’m crazy. I glance around and no one seems to be in earshot, thank God. I grab my stuff from behind the speakers, wave to the guys tearing down the stages and head to my bus. All I can think about is what just happened. Did he just try to kiss me!? Did I read that wrong? I mean he did place his hand on my face, but he was just comforting me right? I mean obbvviouussly I’m terrible at reading men, look at my track record. Seriously anyone who knows it would agree. There is no way he would be attracted to me, I’m no one.
I chalk it up to being crazy and reading way into his actions. Get your mind back on track Hope. forget it. You are here to work and experience life for once. That’s it. No romance.
Then, I can’t even help it as thoughts of what life would be like if he were in fact interested in me drift to mind. I picture a whole new life for myself. It’s a crazy, beautiful, rollercoaster, but something I’d definitely love. I see us-
I’m daydreaming about all the possibilities, when my phone rings, snapping me back to reality.
“Mom.” I sigh as I hit the silence button, of course she is calling for the millionth time to check on me. I'll call her back once I get settled for the night. She can wait twenty minutes. Inside the bus I strip off my dirty clothes, shower and rap my robe around me. I throw together a turkey sandwich and grab a hard cider out of the fridge. Once I get settled I call my mom back.
“Girl why are you ignoring your mother?” my mom says in her joking, angry tone.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I’ve been so busy, I just got back to the bus, showered and made a sandwich before I called you.” I reply, trying to sound sorry, not tired and grumpy.
“Mhmm...I’m just giving you shit, but I’ve been a little worried. Your sister and I have both tried getting a hold of you this week and you haven’t responded. How are things? Are you okay? Do you need to come home?”
I sigh, of course she is pulling the home card.
“No, I don’t need to come home, Mom. I’m great, I promise. Be worried if I start calling you all day, every day, okay? I’m traveling, seeing fantastic bands, we will be in St. Louis soon and you will see me! Okay!? I need to sleep, I’m exhausted.”
“Okay hun, but when I call or text you, make sure you reply at least by the next day from now on! Promise! I love you, here’s your sister. She wants to say hi.”
“I promise, Mom. Okay, love you.”
My sister keeps me on the phone for twenty minutes, asking every question in the book about this job. “Is so and so as hot in person as he is in pictures?” “Have you hooked up with anyone?” “What’s Ariel like?” “Have you seen Jay from Fading to Light!?” “When can I see you?”
I love her to death, but she’s giving me the third degree. So, finally when I pinky promise ‘over the phone’ to call her tomorrow, she lets me go.
I curl up in my bunk and turn on Netflix to fall asleep. I can still hear some people outside as everyone gets ready to head to the next stop. I stare at my computer screen and try to relax, but all I can think about is Chase and Josh. I can’t believe Josh is fucking with someone. I know it’s been a year, but I honestly thought I was supposed to be with him, I guess I just feel used. The pain is pretty much gone, but I believed him and he flat out lied and used me. That pisses me off. How will I ever know if anyone is truly interested or just wants a hook up?
That makes me think of Chase. Did he really try to kiss me today or was I just hoping that’s what was happening? Why was I hoping that? My focus is on this job and making my dreams come true. Yet, him showing me that slight bit of interest is making me wonder, which is dangerous and definitely something I should not do. I remember the other night and the fire. Just walking by him, talking to him, being near him had every nerve in my body on end. Damn it! These thoughts need to go away. Yet, I still find myself thinking about what it would be like with him. How the touch of his embrace would feel, and all of the positives that come with having a man in your life. Let alone Chase fucking Franklin. Alternative Rock star, sexy, every woman wanting him.. Chase Franklin.
Girls would kill… probably literally to date him and for some damn reason he’s flirting with me… I think. Fuck Hope. Stop it. Even though being with him would be a dream come true for the majority of the women my age - including myself, all I can think about is what will be left when he changes his mind and gets bored. Because, he will get bored. I’m nothing special. I am just a girl from a small, boring town. No big star. No spectacular life story. This is the most exciting thing I’ve ever done and it’s his everyday life. Pus, he could just be flirting to see if he will get my attention or get a hookup out of it.
Then again, I don’t know, he could get that from anyone. Damn I’m so confused. A million thoughts are running through my mind and I don’t know which one of them is even close to being the truth. Me being with him practically twenty four seven could be his interest. Then he could have a hookup whenever he wanted. What the fuck would he want with plain, Hope Richards? If I couldn’t even keep Josh happy, no matter how much I did for him or how much I love him. Loved-love, I - I don’t know. That’s another thing. I don’t know where my heart is, so this is just stupid to think about at all. Those feelings haven’t been figured out, but how in the hell will I keep Chase happy when he literally has his choice of millions? He terrifies the living hell out of me. Here on tour I see a passionate, down to earth man, who is focused on his goals, but his past tells a different story. It was full of leaping before he thought about his consequences, doing whatever benefited him at the time and dating girls who intended on playing the game just as well as he did. They didn’t want anything serious, then Chase would have them falling for him so fast they didn’t know what hit them. He would get bored, change his mind and move on to the next, repeating this cycle for years, leaving a pile of broken hearts in his path.
I know I am being a complete girl and over thinking all of this, but what if he continues to flirt? Do I flirt back and risk my job? Do I not flirt back and possibly make him mad, again risking my job? I am so confused! I am already barely putting myself back together and that is because of this job. It’s my dream. If we end badly, what would be left when my already broken pieces become shattered again? I could lose my job, my dreams, on top of him. Then, I would really have nothing.