I’M THANKFUL SAYLOR’S WORKING BECAUSE when Rhett asked if I’d like to go back to his place after our walk to the lake, panic set in. And with her at work, it gave me the option to ask if he wouldn’t mind coming to our place instead. Because even though I didn’t want the night to end, I couldn’t go to his condo and be surrounded by everything him. I needed steady ground to make sure I kept my wits about me.
As best as I could anyway.
So here we are, back at my and Saylor’s apartment—alone—his presence owning every square inch of the space.
“I’ve missed this place.” Rhett’s deep baritone full of fondness and memories fills the air.
“Missed it?”
“Saylor didn’t tell you?”
I shake my head. “Tell me what?”
He chuckles and shakes his head in amusement. “Doesn’t surprise me. Probably thought you’d be running for the hills if she did.” My questioning stare has him continuing. “Say and I used to share this place. Did for damn near a decade.”
My eyes almost bug out of my head, I swear. I don’t know why I’m so shocked. It was just them two for so long, of course they’d have lived here.
I just never put two and two together.
“From that look on your face, it’s probably a good thing you didn’t know until now.”
He’s probably right. “Sorry, I just didn’t even think of that. But it makes sense.”
My hands fidget and my heart races; I’m so nervous and I don’t know why. Well, that’s a lie. Of course I know why, and the reason is standing there in front of me in all of his six-foot-four, tattooed, beyond handsome glory.
But I don’t want to be. Because as much as I’ve been fighting this, I want it just the same.
“Why don’t we sit?” He hedges as he takes a step toward me and the living room. “We can talk or just sit. To be honest, I don’t care; I’m just not ready to be away from you yet.”
And there go my nerves, or most of them anyway, letting my heart fall right into his hands.
“Okay,” I breathe out. “Would you like something to drink?” Trying to remember my manners.
Shaking his head, he answers, “I’m good, baby.” Gently grabbing my hand, he entwines our fingers and guides us to the leather love seat so we can sit side by side.
He’s done that often tonight, grabbed my hand as if it were the most natural thing in the world. I can’t deny it’s felt that way, too.
Sitting next to each other, with our hands joined and our thighs touching, Rhett angles toward me. “Tell me something about yourself. Anything.”
“What do you want to know?” I ask as his thumb runs along the inside of my wrist, raising goosebumps along my skin. The tender touch adding an extra beat to my heart, just for him.
My traitorous heart that’s done nothing but fall for this man at every turn, despite my protest.
When my eyes meet his, it looks like he wants to say something, ask something in particular. He even opens his mouth as if he’s going to but thinks better of it.
“Rhett…?” I inquire as nerves flutter and bounce, afraid of what he wants to say when his eyes leave mine to travel around the room.
Rubbing his free hand along his shortly-trimmed beard, he looks uneasy as his brown eyes lift to my green. His other hand still clasped tightly around mine. “Saylor, she…she told me a few things. Trying to warn me off of you, to keep you safe from my old ways.” He offers a half-smile through a chuckle that holds little humor.
I swallow down a huge gulp of air. “What did she tell you?” Worried that she’s let him in on my past but hoping that she wouldn’t break that trust.
“Just that your past wasn’t easy and that you were hurt. That’s it, baby. No details. Say wouldn’t do that to you. But I’ve gotta tell you, angel, that it’s been fucking killing me ever since. Knowing that you haven’t had it easy.”
My eyes slide closed as I pull my hand from his to rub my hands along the soft cotton of my dress that’s settled on my thighs. Both relieved that Saylor didn’t go into details and nervous that I’m about to.
Without wasting another minute, I sit up straight, steeling my spine, and open my eyes to see Rhett watching my every move. “She’s right. My past…my life really…it hasn’t been the easiest.”
Rhett leans forward then, elbows to his knees, face turned toward me, waiting on my next words, as if he’s preparing himself. He nods his head for me to continue.
“It’s only ever been me,” I say with a small shrug. “I never knew my parents, spent my first eighteen years bouncing between foster homes, never having stability. Then when I legally became an adult, the system cut me loose with little more than a wave goodbye. So for the last six years, I’ve lived on my own.”
I blow a deep breath, gathering more courage to continue. “It wasn’t all bad. Some foster parents really wanted to keep me, adopt me, but the ones who cared enough either couldn’t afford another mouth to feed without assistance or didn’t have the space for another body.”
My heart aches remembering the couple of families that truly felt like they could be my own, before I was ripped from their safety and tossed into hell. It was like a revolving door, but for every good and decent family, there were four that were just terrible.
“But besides those two families, the rest were just there for the money. Treating it like paychecks for themselves when they were meant for our care. And more than that, I was always just so alone, even in a house full of people, because I never once belonged. Even in the good homes, I never truly felt like I could settle.”
Not wanting to go into any more detail and thinking I’ve shared enough for him to understand, I let the silence consume us.
After a few minutes, Rhett nods curtly. “Anything else, angel?” His voice deeper and gruffer than normal, his question clipped, but I know it’s only because he’s holding on to his emotion by a thread.
And it’s because of that, at least partially, that I don’t go any further. I don’t tell him about that night, the one that ultimately changed my life and had me falling at the feet of the wrong boys and men.
“Years of never being wanted, of never being loved, has damaged my heart and scarred my soul. Making me believe what I was always told.” I swallow harshly before continuing. “That my family never wanted me, that I’d never be enough, and that I didn’t deserve the love and acceptance I’ve always craved.” And still do.
A terrifying growl erupts from Rhett’s throat before he leans over and smashes me to his big, barreled chest. Strong arms a steel band of protection around me.
“They were wrong, angel. All of them. So fucking wrong. I’ve never met anybody more lovable, more deserving, more fucking perfect than you.”
Tears leak from my eyes. My throat feels sore and raw from holding back the sobs trying to let loose.
“A-and you know about the…men,” I whisper sadly, sniffling. Ashamed and embarrassed.
His arms hug me tighter. “They don’t fucking matter, baby. Never did, never will. You did what you felt you had to, and it’s all on them for being goddamn cocksuckers that didn’t realize all the goodness they had wrapped up in you.”
My arms return the embrace, squeezing just as fiercely, taking some of his strength from the moment.
“And if it wasn’t for them hurting you, I’d be damn glad they never realized it. As it is, I’m fucking thankful for their ignorance and assholery because it led you here.”
We slowly release each other but don’t move too far. Still sitting side by side, our thighs touching, our hands finding the other’s yet again.
The silence stretching between us has me on edge. My heart pounding because of everything I just confessed and explained. So instead of letting the quiet continue, I say the first thing that comes to mind. “I’m sorry about your parents.”
My quiet words pierce the air like a blow horn. Rhett’s eyes snap to mine, a mix of question, sadness, and anger mixing in their depths.
“Saylor told me, and before you get mad, I’m glad she did. Because I don’t think you would have. At least not anytime soon.”
“Like you would have told me anything tonight if I hadn’t pushed?”
Touché. “My past isn’t something I’m proud of, Rhett. Not because of the foster care or being alone my whole life, but because of the choices I made to not feel alone.”
Our hands disconnect so I can fidget with mine in my lap and so Rhett can run his down his face. “Shit.” I hear him mutter harshly.
“Can you do something for me, angel? Promise me, that if you take anything from tonight, from me, it’s that you’re not to blame. You’re not at fault. You have no guilt to feel because you weren’t the only one making those choices and decisions. And you sure as fuck weren’t the one pissing them away. Okay? Promise me, angel.”
Hesitantly, I answer. “I promise.” My voice nothing but a whisper because even though I utter the words, my heart doesn’t truly believe them yet.
Turning the attention off of me, I ask quietly. “Tell me about them?”
Rhett hesitates for a moment before nodding slightly. He heaves a deep breath before he starts.
“My parents were what all kids hope to have. Loving. Supportive. Hardworking and always there. We didn’t have much in way of material things, but we had a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, food in our bellies, and a shit ton of love.”
The reverence in his tone makes me smile but also causes my heart to ache. And not because he’s talking about something I’ve never had, but because he lost it so suddenly and much too soon.
“Then one day I’m getting pulled from class to be told by a local police officer in the principal’s office that both my parents are gone.”
My right hand finds his thigh, trying to offer comfort, while my left lifts to cover my mouth. Saylor said her parents passed, and I knew it had to be tragic since they lost them both, but I’m afraid I’m not prepared to learn of how it happened.
“I remember how matter of fact he was. Little compassion and comfort in how he told me my parents had been in a car accident that stole both their lives. Like just because I was a twelve-year-old boy, I should understand that these things happen and just move on. But that’s just it; I was a boy who had just been told his world had been ripped to shreds and he’d never see his parents again.”
The agony and pain tearing through his words leave me breathless as I listen on. Tears welling and falling down both of our cheeks. I don’t even think he’s realized he’s crying.
“A couple times a week my dad would leave the auto body shop where he worked as a mechanic to pick my mom up for lunch from the local library where she worked. On their way back from the diner, an elderly man had a heart attack behind the wheel of his car and lost control. He slammed right into them, head on.”
Unable to contain it, I gasp behind the hand still covering my mouth. At some point, one of Rhett’s hands had found its way to mine on his thigh, and it tightens at my reaction.
“Gosh, Rhett. I am so, so sorry, honey.”
His eyes whip to mine at the endearment I let slip. At the moment though, I don’t let myself care because he needs that comfort. I can feel it.
“I can’t even imagine having something so good and then…losing it.” My eyes close at my own words. Realizing how insensitive they must have sounded.
“I didn’t mean—”
“No,” he says gruffly. “It’s okay.”
Before I can say another word, he keeps going. “After that, we were forced to move in with our great-aunt Ruth. And pardon my language, but that bitch could have cared less. Only wanting us for the money that came with us.” He shakes his head in disgust.
“Did she…” I can’t even bring myself to ask if she hurt them physically. I don’t think I could stomach it if she did.
“Hurt us? Not physically. She just didn’t fucking care. Too busy smoking two packs a day, wasting away the small amount of insurance money on bingo and scratch tickets. She was a single woman in her late sixties. Bitter. Ugly. Hateful. We didn’t even know about her until Ma and Pop died. She acted as if we didn’t exist. So from the age of twelve, I took over taking care of Say and myself. Got a part-time job at some rundown fast food joint after school and on weekends. Lying and saying I was fifteen to get the job. Then after a few months, the owner realized I lied and fired my ass. Thank God for Gus, though. He took one look at my sorry ass when I walked into In Ruins, just barely thirteen, and despite breaking the law and risking hiring me, he did it anyway. I’ve been indebted to him ever since.”
I may not have known Rhett long, but the puzzle pieces are beginning to fit together, making me understand him a whole lot better.
“It seems like we’re more alike than I initially thought, Rhett.”
He nods his head. “Been thinking that since day one, angel. Could feel it.”
“You wear your scars on the outside, in pictures and words tattooed on your skin. While I carry mine right here.” I place my hand to my chest, over my heart. “On the inside, in my heart.”
His brown eyes sadden even further as his brows furrow and his frown deepens. Knowing I hit the mark, that the ink covering his body holds memories of his past.
For a few moments we sit there together, silently taking in the other. I can’t read his expression, and I’m wondering if he can tell mine. If he can see how thankful I am for tonight, for not only the date, but how he opened up to me and allowed me to open up as well, without judgement.
I’m thankful that the man I chose to let in is him.
“Give me a truth,” he all of a sudden whispers. His voice deep and gruff. His eyes rich and sincere.
I take the time to think over his words before answering, hesitantly and quietly. “You make me more nervous, yet more excited, than I’ve ever been.”
He doesn’t react, at least not outwardly for me to see. He just sits there next to me, dark eyes never leaving me.
As he takes me in, I turn his words on him. “What about your truth?”
Barely letting a second pass by, his deep voice rasps out, “I’ve never wanted anything more than I want you.”
My heart free falls right then. Into a tailspin of anxiousness and excitement and what in the world am I doing. But I can’t stop it; I can only hope my crash landing doesn’t obliterate me as much as I fear it will.
Silence descends around us yet again, hanging with our every word, until Rhett finally speaks.
“I don’t want to, but I should probably go.”
I look over to him and nod my head. “May be a good idea.” Because I can feel the tension between us rising. Especially after the truths we just revealed.
When we make it to the door, he looks at me like he wants to kiss me.
Stepping up to me, one large hand lifts to lay against the side of my neck so his thumb can lift my chin ever so slightly. Then, without hesitation, he leans down to gently place his lips against mine, kissing me. A soft and tender kiss, so simple, yet meaning so much.
He never takes it deeper, just repeats the action three more times, before leaning his forehead to mine. As if needing to gain some control.
When he pulls away, I don’t realize my eyes closed until I’m opening them to see him staring at my face, tracing my features.
“I need you to know I want this with you. I do, Rhett. But I can’t…I can’t make all the mistakes I’ve always made. I can’t rush into falling for you. My heart wouldn’t survive it if something happened and we didn’t work out.”
His thumb gently strokes along the front of my throat. “If you need time, that’s fine. Time I can give you. I just need a chance, angel. A chance to show you that being mine would be a hell of a lot better than it ever was being theirs. That I’ll cherish the goddamn ground you walk on.”
His words pierce my soul, make my heart hope for things it’s always wished for. “But that’s just the thing, I was never theirs. Not like I needed to be.”
His large, tattooed hands cradle my face gently—tenderly—bringing my forehead to his yet again. “Then let me be all you need, angel.”