Chapter Three

__________

 

Leah

 

 

 

 

As I stood at shore with dying waves washing up around my ankles, I was starting to regret my decision to come to the beach alone. I had no phone, no security, and I was surrounded by strangers in an unfamiliar setting. Part of the reason I’d come to California was to get out of my shell and learn to live outside my comfort zone, and I was trying. But I just felt out of place and out of my element. None of this was turning out quite the way I had pictured it.

“Hey!”

Gradually, I became aware that someone was calling out to me. At first the voice was lost in all the other noises of the beach, but as it came closer I automatically looked over to find the source of it. A guy with a yellow surfboard tucked under one arm was approaching, his eyes locked in on me.

“Is that your towel?” He pointed to where I had left my stuff, and I saw that my towel and bag were wadded up and half covered by sand several feet from where I had left them. A woman and five hyper kids now took up the space I had previously claimed. Dropping my mouth open in an angry exhale, I went over to retrieve my things and the surfer followed leisurely behind, as if moderately interested.

“Happens all the time. You gotta watch your stuff. You didn’t leave any money in there, did you?”

“No, just water and sunscreen.” As I shook the sand from my towel, I looked back at him. “How’d you know this was my towel?”

“I saw you.” He said this with a light shrug, completely un-self conscious.

Warily, I asked, “You saw me? When?”

“When you got here. I’m Cameron.” He didn’t offer his hand, just a slight nod of his chin, but his eyes held mine with something that looked a lot like interest. I stopped, appraising him in a new way. He was wearing only a pair of black and white board shorts, which left much of his tanned skin and compactly muscled body on display. His blond hair still dripped water, and his eyes were startlingly blue, popping with a bold, confident energy. I wasn’t exactly attracted to him, but it felt like I could be – like I should be – if I gave it a chance.

“I’m Leah.” I didn’t offer my hand, either. People didn’t seem to do that kind of thing here. “Why were you watching me?”

He seemed to think that was funny, though he didn’t actually laugh. “Dude, why wouldn’t I? Are you new around here or something?”

A bit flustered, I asked, “Why? Is it obvious?”

“Yeah,” he said, with no hesitation.

I smiled, shrugging as if to say that was fair. “I’m visiting from New York. Just got in this morning.”

“No shit? So what you got going on, then?”

“What?”

“What are you doing?” he rephrased. “Like, today? Right now?”

“Oh. Nothing, really. I had some time to kill before heading back to my mom’s.”

“That’s cool. The water’s my favorite way to kill time, too.” He looked back in that direction, and his eyes filled with what I could only describe as desire. It made me think of that old meme. I wanted someone to look at me like this boy looked at the ocean. “Been here all morning,” he said, his focus only returning to me at the very end of that statement. “I’m starving now, though. You hungry?”

He spoke to me like we were friends, like we’d had a thousand conversations. It drew me in and made me feel off-balance, all at once. After a hesitation, I said, “Kind of, yeah. I haven’t eaten since I’ve been here.”

“Cool. Let’s get tacos,” he said, already turning his body to start walking. I could only blink in surprise at the abruptness of this, and he quickly came to a halt when he saw I wasn’t following. “What’s wrong? No, it’s cool, you don’t have to be scared. We’re not going to drive, it’s just up on Main.” He pointed the direction, up past the crowded beach where a bunch of shops and restaurants were. “Come on.” He gestured with his head and gave me a smile that was easy and charming. “I’m buying.”

It was my summer of adventure, of saying yes and opening myself up to new people and experiences, and this pretty much seemed like the perfect opportunity. So, before I could talk myself out of it, I nodded and followed him away from the beach. He made casual conversation as we walked, and he seemed refreshingly uncomplicated, very much ‘what you see is what you get’. He was basically the ideal person for crossing number seven off my list, and I was going to see where it went. For now, the answer to that was Blue Truck Tacos, which was not a truck but a small corner restaurant with a patio outside where we grabbed a table.

Cameron asked me, after polishing his first taco off in about three bites, “So how long you staying in town?”

“I’m not sure yet. It was kind of an impulsive trip. But I want to squeeze in as much as possible while I’m here.”

“You got plans tonight?”

I nodded. “Kind of. My mom’s having this thing at her house.”

“Oh. No big. We should hook up later this week, though. I can show you around and get you in some trouble.”

“Sounds intriguing,” I said with a smile. Then, after a few beats, I asked, “Would you want to come to my mom’s thing tonight? It might be fun. If not, you can keep me company until we sneak out.”

He didn’t even hesitate, and I loved that. “Hell, yeah. Text me the address.”

“I’ll just tell you. I don’t have my phone with me.”

He nodded, pulling his phone out so he could take the address. “What time should I be there?”

I had no idea what time the party started. “How about eight?”

“Eight o’clock,” he repeated, but in a random accent that I think was supposed to be British. He punctuated this with a short laugh, and then his voice returned to normal. “Yeah. I’ll be there.”

 

 

The party, I found, had no real start time. That’s just the way it was at my mom’s house. People came, they went, new people came, a few more showed up, and then somewhere along the line it became a party. I stood in the kitchen next to the spread of appetizers while I waited for Cameron, feeling completely awkward in my loose fitted summer dress. I almost never wore dresses, and it suddenly felt like the very definition of trying too hard. To make matters even worse, I’d curled my hair and shaved my legs and just gone out in every way. All for a boy I barely knew, on the off chance that something would actually happen between us.

On the off chance that he would actually show up.

Mom sidled up to me, looking bright-eyed and refreshed from her nap. “Hey, baby girl. Where’s your surfer boy?”

“He’s not here yet. I told him to come at eight.”

Her forehead scrunched up in confusion. “What time is it?” She glanced around as she asked the question, like she was searching for a clock but didn’t know where to find one, in her own house.

I checked my phone. I’d turned it on a couple hours ago, and it had been oddly silent ever since. That should have been a relief, but instead it felt ominous. “Almost eight-thirty.”

“He’ll be here soon.” Mom didn’t share my concern with time. I wished I could be more like her, but I was still just me. I couldn’t help but feel it was disrespectful not to be here on time, and disappointed at the prospect of him not showing up at all. I looked back to my mom as she spoke. “You’ve gotten so beautiful, baby. I can’t believe you’re so grown up. It’s crazy.”

The warmth of her words was like a salve to my anxiety, and I forgot about Cameron for a second. “I really missed you, Mom. I want to see you more often. Dad can’t keep me from you anymore. I won’t let him, even if that means he cuts me off.”

“We’ve been over this. He’s not going to cut you off. He says things like that when he gets mad, he threatens all sorts of…” She cut herself off, sighing and shaking her head. “You’ll go back to him, back to school, and it will be just like it was before.”

Why was she saying that like it was a good thing, like I would take comfort in it? I didn’t want anything to be like it was before. I didn’t want to go back to having every aspect of my life controlled by my dad, and I didn’t want to go back to never seeing my mom. “Look, when I go back, it won’t be like it was. After I graduate, he’ll have no control over what I do, or who I see.”

She nodded, taking a quick sip of her wine. “Maybe we could plan something for next summer after you graduate. We could go on a trip together. Somewhere tropical with white sand beaches. Cook Islands, maybe. Have you ever been there?”

“No. I haven’t actually been anywhere except Montana to visit my stepmom’s family, and Disneyworld one time. Dad hates to travel except when he’s forced to for business.”

She rolled her eyes. “That sounds like him. I couldn’t live like that. Let’s do Cook Islands, then, what do you say? Next summer? There’s so much I want to show you.”

Her excitement was contagious, and I had no hesitation in my answer. “Yes. I’m in. Let’s do it.”

She actually squealed, wrapping me in a hug before I knew what happened. “Oh, my God. I’m so happy. We’re going to have so much fun together.”

When she pulled back, I was smiling, too. I couldn’t help it. “I know. Also, I was going to ask you about my graduation. Do you think you can come? I would love to have you there, and we could make plans to leave on our trip right after.”

Her eyes darted away from mine, just for a second. “Yeah. I could maybe do that.”

“Don’t worry about Dad, seriously. He can’t do anything to stop you from coming. And, I mean…it’s my graduation.” I missed you at the last one, I almost said, but then stopped myself. I tried not to remember the graduation invitation I’d sent her my last year of prep, and the way I’d pretended not to care when it had gone unanswered. It’s just a dumb ceremony, I’d told myself at the time. Why would she want to risk the wrath of my dad for that?

“We’ll see. I’m sure we can work something out.” Her eyes moved away again, but this time they focused on something behind me. “Oh. I think your surfer’s here.”

I followed the direction of her gaze to find Cameron approaching through the small crowd in the living room. It was easy to see how she’d spotted him so fast. He looked out of  place, to say the least, in his light pink polo shirt, khaki shorts, and laceless Vans. His blond hair was now dry and casually styled, and with his tall frame and tanned, chiseled features, he could have stepped out of a Lacoste ad.

“Cameron.” I caught his eye and waved him over, sort of loving the way he moved through the crowd with confidence, not seeming intimidated by not knowing anyone.

He approached and tapped me lightly on the hip with the back of one hand. “Hey.”

“So this is the surfer?” my mom asked.

“Hi,” he said, eyeing her with a curious, yet charmed smile. She often had that effect on people. “The name’s actually Cameron.”

“You’re so cute. Come here.” She pulled him into a hug, something I hadn’t had the guts to even consider and was vaguely horrified at her for doing. “I’m Ashley. It’s so nice to meet you.”

“Yeah, you too.”

“You make yourself at home, okay? And let me know if you need anything. Leah, I’m going to check on Copper.”

I didn’t know what “checking on” Copper entailed, but I simply nodded, giving her a smile as she swept away. Cameron turned to watch her go, his eyes widening by a fraction.

“Wait. Is that your mom?”

I laughed, slightly embarrassed. “Yeah. Sorry about that. She comes on kind of strong sometimes.”

“No, it’s just…” He turned back to me, shaking his head in disbelief. “I seriously would not have guessed that. She looks way young. Honestly, when you said this was your mom’s party, I kind of expected it to be a bunch of old people sitting around drinking wine or whatever. But I like the crowd in here.”

He did? I had to admit that surprised me. “Well, my mom’s an artist, so her friends have always been more on the creative side. And, to be fair, she was drinking wine.”

He smiled in response, a tiny dimple appearing above the corner of his mouth. “True.”

“What about you? Do you want something to drink? There’s a whole spread of liquor here, and I think there’s beer in the fridge.”

“Yeah. Def.” He started looking through the bottles and then grabbed one of the glasses my mom had left out, filling it with about equal parts vodka and Sprite. I made a weaker drink for myself and, as I did this, it finally began to hit me that I was at a party with a guy. We were going to hang out and do normal getting to know you stuff without a bodyguard breathing down my neck. I didn’t even try to hide my excited smile as I led Cameron out to the back patio so we could sit down and talk. Once we got comfortable, the conversation between us flowed just as easily as it had at the restaurant earlier. I learned that he had a degree in marketing communications and was trying to start his own company. But, in the meantime, he was a server at the Cheesecake Factory because it helped to pay the bills. I told him I was working toward a business degree with a concentration in finance.

“My dad wants me to come work for him after I graduate,” I said.

“What does he do?”

“He works at a holding company in Manhattan. They control several chains of banks throughout the country.” What I intentionally left out was that it was a Fortune 500 company, and my dad was the CEO. There was no reason for him to know that. Nobody knew me here, and I wanted to keep that.

“And is that what you want to do? Work for your dad?”

“Well, I interned there last summer and it was definitely a good fit. But I feel like I need to start out on my own, you know? That way I’d be getting experience and respect based on my own merits.”

He nodded. “I get that. No one respects someone who didn’t earn it. That’s taking the easy road, and that’s weak.”

“Yes,” I exclaimed, glad that he understood. “I don’t want to take the easy road. Not anymore.”

“Dude, you’re cool. And I didn’t get a chance to tell you earlier, but you look hot tonight. I mean, beyond hot.”

I felt my face flush. “Thanks. So do you.” Ugh, this was the part I was bad at.

“I’m glad you invited me. There’s a cool vibe here. And I like your mom’s friends.”

That made one of us. But then, I didn’t really like anyone I didn’t already know. It was probably the effect of attending the same school since kindergarten and going to such a small college, plus what happened when I was fifteen. Cameron was a rare exception, but I think it was because of how open and easy-going he was. Maybe that’s what had drawn me to him in the first place. I wanted to be the kind of person who could walk into a roomful of new people and feel completely at ease with them, instead of distrustful and out of place. “Well, good,” I said. “I’m really glad you came.”

The sun had gone down a while ago, and several people had gone inside, but I didn’t realize until then how isolated we were at the back corner of my mom’s patio. Not until Cameron casually took my drink from me and set it on the table next to us, then leaned in to kiss me. He was smooth about it, not grabbing me or coming at me too fast, but it was still sudden and unexpected, and my first instinct was to pull away from him. Which is exactly what I did. My head recoiled back so quickly that all he met was air, and as I registered what had happened, I watched his expression completely shut down.

“Alright,” he said, retrieving his glass from the table and frowning at the bottom of it, like he was mad it was empty.

Face flaming, I said, “I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting that, and…” I trailed off, not sure why I was apologizing. If someone had asked me an hour ago what I would have done if Cameron tried to kiss me tonight, my answer would have been a very confident “kiss him back.” I mean, I did my hair and shaved my legs and put on a stupid dress, but when he made a move everything in me repelled from him. What was wrong with me? This kind of thing was so easy for other girls, but for me it was like some weird alternate reality where I didn’t know the correct behavior, or even speak the same language.

“No big. Let’s go inside and get a refill.” A refill for him, he meant. My drink had barely been touched. God, I was failing so hard at being a carefree party girl, on every count.

Inside, he separated from me almost immediately, mumbling something about going to find a bathroom. I stood by the food table and drained my drink as fast as I could, and Copper came up to me just as I set my empty glass down.

“Where’s your surfer dude?” Disdain dripped from his words, and I gave him a dirty look in response. I was not in the mood to deal with him.

 “Bathroom. Where’s my mom?” Suddenly, I had the overwhelming urge to talk to her so she could make everything feel okay again. Just like she always did.

“Upstairs, having her own party.” With that, he gave an annoyingly high-pitched laugh and walked away.

Whatever. Not caring enough to wonder what that was supposed to mean, I went to go find her. Her room was at the end of the upstairs hallway, and the door was partially open, so I nudged it the rest of the way. But then I stopped dead in my tracks, my breath catching in my throat.

Two things: One, Cameron was sitting beside my mom on the bed. Merc was there, too, but I barely noticed her, because of the second thing. My mom was bent over a black tray, snorting a line of cocaine from it.

“Oh.” It was all I could think to say, but it caught her attention and made her look up. There was a brief moment where something flashed across her face – guilt, maybe? – but then it was gone. Maybe it was never there at all.

“Shut the door, Leah.” Her words were clipped and distant, and she was a complete one-eighty from the way she’d been when we were excitedly making plans downstairs. The beginnings of dread started to burn in my gut, like something ugly dawning that I wasn’t ready to face, so I turned to Cameron. That was just easier. I could tell by looking at him, at the wide, glassy eyes and the smile that was starting to pull at his lips, that he was already high.

“So this is what you’re doing now?”

“Yeah, sorry,” he said with a rueful chuckle, sort of the way people did when they hurt your feelings but clearly thought you were overreacting. Sorry, not sorry. “I came up to piss but started talking to Merc in the hallway. And I, uh, got distracted.” Here he actually giggled. “You should come in and hang out.”

I blinked. “You’re inviting me to hang out in my own mother’s room? That’s really generous of you, but I think I’m good. You stay here and have fun with whatever it is you’re doing.”

“Leah, baby, calm down. He just stopped in for a bump, it isn’t a big deal. We’ll be out in a minute.”

“Take your time,” I said, feeling strangely numb. “I’m done with this. I’m going to bed.”

I didn’t shut the door behind me as I left, and Cameron didn’t come after me. She didn’t, either. I locked myself in the guest bedroom and got into bed, putting my earphones in to shut out the noises from downstairs. Disappointment wore my bones down and vodka clouded my head. Sleep felt like it should be imminent but didn’t come for a long time.

 

 

In the morning I crept past my mom’s closed door and went downstairs, where I heard a faint mumble of voices I didn’t recognize. Three people were sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee and eating from plates of scrambled eggs. I was pretty sure I’d been introduced to them the previous night, before Cameron had arrived, when the night still held exciting possibilities, but I didn’t remember their names. They barely glanced at me when I came in and didn’t so much as pause their conversation. The kitchen was a mess, with liquor bottles and dirty glasses everywhere, and the scattered remains of the appetizer tray. In the front room, it was pretty much the same. Abandoned cups and paper plates, beer bottles, a couple of stray phones and purses. Merc was passed out on the sofa and I didn’t see any signs of my mom or Cameron.

“Hey,” I said to the lone girl at the table, when I happened to catch her eye. She had smeared black eyeliner and dyed red hair pulled into a messy bun. “Have you seen my mom? Ashley?” I clarified the last part because I wasn’t sure if the girl knew who I was. There was no apparent recognition in her eyes.

“Yeah,” she said. “She left.”

“Already?” It was only a little past eight.

“Last night,” one of the guys put in. He had a shaved head and full black beard and he was older, probably closer to my mom’s age.

“She’s not back yet,” the girl said, giving me a kind smile. “There’s still some eggs left on the stove if you want any.”

After a pause, I grabbed a plate and what was left of the eggs off the stove, then sat in the remaining kitchen chair.

“Did she go with Copper?” I asked, still confused by the fact that she’d apparently left the night before and never come back.

“No,” she said. “He left early, with that weird Yvette girl. Ashley went with the guy that looks like a J Crew model. Not sure where she found him at.”

“Cameron?” She only shrugged in response. Setting my fork down, I gave a dry exhale of a laugh. My mom had seriously left the party with the guy I had invited to hang out with? After getting high on cocaine. I didn’t really know how to process this information, but I had a painful jumble of emotions warring in my chest, and they all started and ended with her.

And then the front door opened and they walked in, still wearing last night’s now-wrinkled clothes. My mom removed her sunglasses and, as she came forward, I noticed the bags under her eyes and the dull pallor of her face. She didn’t look like she’d had a wink of sleep. Cameron looked no worse for the wear, but then he was almost twenty years younger and could get away with a sleepless night of partying better than she could.

“You’re up,” she said when she saw me, her voice a tone of pleasant surprise. I don’t know why, but that pissed me off.

“Yes, I’m up,” I said, standing and going over to face them. “Why are you? With him?”

Her head pulled back, like she was confused at my anger. Like I was attacking her and she didn’t know why. “With Cam? No, baby, it’s not like that…”

Cam? “Not like what? Not like you left the party with the guy I invited over?”

And then Cameron spoke up. “Dude, chill. It’s not like we’re together or something. You obviously weren’t interested, so why do you care if I’m with her?”

I shot him a look. “You know what? Just stay out of this. It’s not about you.”

He held his hands up in front of him and backed away in a dramatic display, turning to go sink into the end of the couch at Merc’s feet. She didn’t budge at the movement. In my peripheral I registered someone coming in the front door, or leaving through it, but that door was always in motion and my temper was boiling and so I didn’t pay it much attention. Instead, I focused back on my mother.

“What the hell? Have you been high this whole time? Is that, like, what you do here?” I shook my head, my mind spinning. “None of that was real, was it? You don’t have any intention of coming to my graduation, or going on a trip with me, or anything. All of it was bullshit.”

Her forehead wrinkled and her face contorted helplessly. “I mean, it was just something we were talking about. I didn’t promise anything. I could come, maybe, but it’s just…your father…”

Angrily, I cut her off. “My father doesn’t control you. Stop using him as an excuse. You just don’t want to, because you don’t give a shit about me. Same reason you didn’t come to my last graduation.”

“Oh, you know that’s not true. This is what he does, Leah. He turned you against me a long time ago, he won’t let me in your life…”

“Because he knows what you’re like.” The words burst out before I could even think about them, and the truth in them left me a little stunned. Oh, my God. “This is why he didn’t want me to come here. This is what he was talking about.”

“Oh, forget it,” she said, closing off completely. “What does it even matter? You’re right. I’m a huge piece of shit. I’m a selfish, terrible person. Everything he ever told you about me is true.”

“He never told me anything.” And he really hadn’t. He didn’t talk about her at all, unless it was to shut down my attempts to ask about her. Once she was gone, it was like she didn’t exist.

“Well, his bad, I guess,” she said, and then roughly exhaled. “It’s time for you to go home, Leah. This was a terrible idea from the start. Just go back to your perfect life in New York and leave me out of it.”

“You’re kicking me out?” A wave of hurt caved my chest in and strengthened my resolve, all at once. I stood a bit straighter and just as I did this, I felt a new presence at my side. I automatically stiffened in response, and my mom’s eyes shifted in that direction, her face narrowing in confusion.

“Who the hell are you?”

Then, and only then, did my danger receptors go off. Usually they were on point, but I’d been so caught up in the drama that I’d barely noticed him. And what I had noticed was written off easily because of the endless stream of people always coming in and out. How had I let my guard down in the little bubble of my mom’s house in such a short amount of time?

With my entire body pulled taut like it was ready to flee, I slowly looked to my right. The man standing there towered over me, and his perception was centered on me like I was his sole focus. Like I was the only thing in that crazy house he was even aware of. He was casually dressed in a gray t-shirt and dark wash jeans, but his stance was all business, his face set in stone. Arms thick with muscle clenched at his sides, and his skin was bronzed from heritage more than sun. He was at least part Hispanic, or maybe Italian. His black hair was cut short, and his eyes held me like I was his, like he knew me on some elemental level. And I knew him, too. Or, at least, I knew why he was there, and this was confirmed when he spoke, his lips barely moving around words that were surprisingly gentle.

“Come on, Leah. Let’s get out of here.”