Chapter Six
Lana
My pounding heart stopped, all the air in my lungs turning to ice and burning them. I felt the blood drain from my face and felt lightheaded. I started to sway, saw the terror on Drake’s face seconds before he reached for me. I fell against him, unable to breathe, unable to think. Tears filled my eyes and I was helpless to stop them from falling as he pulled me roughly against his chest. He was trembling, but his hands were tight on my waist as he buried his face in my hair.
A do-over?
What the hell did that mean? I thought our life was perfect, that he was happy. What had I done wrong? What had I missed?
“Stop,” Drake whispered in a voice that was rough and gravel-like. “Please don’t cry. This wasn’t what I wanted when I started planning this.”
“Planning what?” I choked out and pulled away from him.
None of it was making sense and all my oxygen-deprived brain could think was that he had been planning on leaving me. He’d been so distracted—so distant at times lately. I replayed every second of the last two and a half weeks, from the moment I’d first thought something was wrong until right now. I’d missed something, I knew I had. Why the fuck hadn’t I made the time to confront him and demand to know what was going on?
I got less than half a step away from him before his hands tightened almost painfully on my waist and he trapped me in place. Blue-gray eyes locked with mine, easily reading all the thoughts in my head. I didn’t know how it was possible, but he paled even more. “No, Angel. No. Fuck, that’s not what I meant. I would never leave you. You are my life. All I am is yours. There’s no way in hell I’d survive even one minute without you by my side.”
Relief washed over me, making my stiff muscles tremble as one by one they released the tight hold my mind had forced on them. “Then what did you mean? Please, Drake, just tell me what’s going on. Why have you been so distracted? You don’t smile anymore. You didn’t even come to bed last night. Are…” My stomach cramped and my brain protested the words that needed to be said out loud. “Are you drinking?”
One callused hand cupped my jaw, his thumb rubbing over my cheek, wiping away a few of the tears that had yet to dry. “No, Angel. I’ll admit that the cravings have been worse lately than they have ever been, but I’ve gone to my meetings. I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol since I nearly lost you for the second time all those years ago. The numbness it gives me isn’t worth the risk of losing you.”
Unconsciously I leaned into his touch, needing to be closer to him. His icy fingers had yet to thaw but they helped calm me a little. “Then what?” The words came out a choked whisper. Something was wrong, something was going on in his head. “Please, babe, I’m so scared right now.”
He sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, chewing on it. My heart turned over at how young and innocent that small act was. In that moment I saw him as a scared teenager rather than the forty-five-year-old man he was. I wanted to wipe away the furrow between his brows, kiss away the damage he was doing to his lip. I wanted to go back in time and wipe away every bad thing that still had the power to torture his kind soul.
“Do you know what today is, Angel?”
My mind went blank for half a second. Today? It was Sunday. What the hell did today have to do with what was going on?
“Tomorrow is Jesse and Layla’s wedding anniversary,” he reminded me.
I still didn’t understand what that had to do with us. “I know that. I just don’t know why that has you acting like you’ve been lately.”
His fingers bit into my waist but I didn’t think he even realized he was doing it. “Because it’s an anniversary for us too,” he whispered so low I barely heard him.
“Dray, what…” Then it hit me. Like a wrecking ball swinging at full speed, it hit me right in the middle of the chest, knocking the air out of me. “Oh.”
“That’s all you have to say about it?” His eyes narrowed. “Doesn’t it eat at you? Our first time together happened fourteen years ago today, Angel, and I don’t remember anything about it. Not one minute. We lost each other because of what happened the next day. Because of what I did…” His breath hitched and I felt a shudder move through him.
My shoulders lifted in a shrug. “That was a long time ago. I’ve put it behind me.” It was the truth. I’d forgiven him for what had happened. It didn’t matter to me that he couldn’t remember our first time together. I’ll admit that in the beginning it had been like a stab to the heart every time I would think about what had happened and everything that had followed that fateful night. But I’d learned quickly that for us to be truly happy together and have the chance to live our life to its full potential, I had to let it go. Over the years it had faded from my mind. I hadn’t thought about our rocky beginning in years. There was no point.
He released me so fast I nearly stumbled back, but he didn’t seem to notice as he walked across the bedroom. He turned to face me, his face twisted with a mixture of pain, shame, and anger. “Well, I can’t put it behind me, Angel. I can’t stop thinking about what I lost—what we lost. And what kills me even more is how I stole something precious from you. Every year it eats at me, driving me toward the edge of insanity. That’s why I’ve had so many cravings lately. I can’t block it out and if I don’t do something to fix this I don’t know what will happen next year.”
My heart twisted in pain for him. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
His shoulders sagged, his eyes going to the wall behind me rather than meet my gaze. “Because I was scared to bring it up. Scared to remind you. Scared that you would realize exactly how much I stole from you and hate me for it all over again.”
I took a step toward him, watched as he tensed, but kept moving until I was right in front of him, only a few inches separating us. I lifted my hands, my engagement and wedding rings flashing in the overhead light reminding me of why I’d put the past behind us. Those rings bound us in matrimony, but it was our hearts that would always be linked for eternity. Linking my fingers behind his neck, I pulled his head down so that we could only see each other’s eyes, blocking out the rest of the world. “I have never hated you. Never. And you have made that time up to me again and again. We have each other. We have our girls—your little army of angels. Our life is perfect and there is nothing I would change about how we got to this point. Nothing.”
I heard him swallow hard, watched as the tears filled those eyes that I loved so dearly. “You’re right. Our life is perfect, Angel. But there is one thing I would change. I need to remember that night when everything changed. I need you to give me a do-over. Please, give me memories to replace the ones that are just a blank nothingness in my head.”
“If that’s what you need, of course I will.”
He let out a relieved exhale and pressed his forehead against mine. “Thank you.” His lips grazed across mine in a tease of a kiss. “I swear you won’t regret it.”