I sat up quickly and swung my legs over the side of the bed. My hand flew to my mouth and I ran into the bathroom, where I dropped to my knees and threw up in the toilet. Sitting back on the cool tile floor, I closed my eyes as I wiped my hand across my mouth. I thought I must have been coming down with something since this was the second time I’d been sick in as many days. After a few minutes, the feeling of nausea passed. I pushed myself up off the floor and glanced at my reflection in the mirror over the sink. I looked like shit. I’d been burning the candle at both ends the last few weeks, going out most nights, drinking and dancing. The late nights were taking their toll, and maybe this was my body’s way of telling me to slow down.
I brushed my teeth and dragged my tired body downstairs. The house was quiet; Mom, Dad, and Brody must have already left for the day, and Libby was living with Mason in his cabin. I was home alone. I’d been out until late the night before and was exhausted. In desperate need of a coffee to wake me up, I flicked the coffee machine on before putting a piece of bread in the toaster, not feeling able to face anything more than a piece of toast.
I inhaled deeply as I sat down at the kitchen table, the smell of freshly brewing coffee invading my senses. Suddenly my stomach rolled and I dashed out of the kitchen into the downstairs bathroom, making it just in time as I dry-heaved over the toilet. Sweat beaded on my forehead and my breaths were coming out in pants. Realization suddenly hit me and I tried to think back to when my last period was. I did a quick calculation of the dates in my head and realized I was late—very late.
“Oh God!” I whispered. “I can’t be pregnant.” I felt my stomach drop as everything fell into place. I was getting sick, and now smells were turning my stomach. I closed my eyes, knowing there was a possibility I could be pregnant. I’d been stupid the past few months, flirting and sleeping with guys I met in bars. I was on the pill, but would often be so drunk that I was sick the next morning. I dropped my head into my hands and sobbed.
I’d been so lost recently. While I was incredibly happy that Libby and Mason had found each other, it just highlighted how miserable and lonely I was. I wanted what they had so badly, but the person I wanted it with didn’t want me. I’d gotten good at putting on a front, not letting anyone see how unhappy I really was. On the outside, I was still the loud and bubbly Savannah, the life and soul of the party, but on the inside, I was desperately unhappy, unable to let go of my feelings for Josh and move on.
Sleeping with the guys I met at the bars made me feel wanted, even if it was only for a short time. I’d wake up the next morning in some strange bed and hate myself for what I’d done. I didn’t want to be that person. I wanted to be happy; I just didn’t know how to make that happen.
Pulling myself together, I quickly showered and got dressed, heading into Marble Falls to the drugstore. I needed to know for sure. I was terrified at the thought that I was going to have a baby, and my heart was pounding during the 10-minute drive into town.
Pushing open the door, I hurried inside, picking up a basket as I entered. I walked up and down the aisles until I found what I was looking for, and then I was overwhelmed by the choices. There seemed to be about 10 different ones to choose from—single tests, packs of two, digital, non-digital. Surely you just peed on it and it told you whether your life was over or not…right? The assistant must have seen my dilemma as I heard her ask, “Do you need some help?”
I looked up at her gratefully. “Yes please. I just want a pregnancy test.” I waved my arm in the direction of the shelf. “There are just so many options!”
She reached toward the shelf, picking up a box containing two tests. “This is a good one. Most people who have a positive result don’t believe it at first and want to test again, and this one has two tests. It’s digital, too, and easy to use.”
I took the box from her and flung it into the basket before picking up another identical box off the shelf. “Thank you. If I am pregnant, I’m going to need to do more than two tests before I believe it.”
The assistant gave me a sympathetic smile before leading me to the counter where I handed over some cash. I thanked her again before leaving the store and heading to my car.
20 minutes later, I sat on the toilet in my bathroom, gulping down mouthfuls of water from the bottle I’d grabbed out of the fridge on my way upstairs. My stomach was a bundle of nerves and my leg bounced up and down as I waited to pee. I’d lined the tests up on the counter next to the toilet, and I reached for one as the water started to work and I needed to go.
After peeing on the stick, I replaced the cap on the test and laid it face down on the counter. According to the instructions, I had to wait three minutes before reading the results. Three minutes to find out if my life was over. Three minutes was a relatively short amount of time, but it might as well have been three hours. I couldn’t stay in the bathroom while I waited for it to work so I paced up and down in my bedroom, feeling terrified at how different my life would be if the test was positive.
I’d always wanted children, but I’d always imagined I’d be waiting with my husband or boyfriend, excited to find out if I was going to be a mama. Of course, the man standing by my side in this fantasy had always been Josh. I closed my eyes as a single tear ran down my cheek and I quickly wiped my face. Josh didn’t want me, never had, and if this test was positive and I was pregnant, he never would.
Checking my phone, I saw the three minutes had passed. Taking a deep breath, I walked back into the bathroom, stopping in the doorway, my feet unwilling to move forward. My stomach churned with nerves and I felt sick. “Just look Savannah,” I said out loud. Inching forward, I slowly picked up the test, turning it over in my hands. Glancing at it, I sunk to my knees, my breathing erratic. The test slipped from my hand and fell to the tile floor. I was pregnant—single and pregnant, without a clue who the father was. What the hell am I going to do?
I don’t know how long I sat on the bathroom floor, but I was still sitting there when I heard Libby calling out my name as she made her way upstairs. I scrambled up, grabbing for the tests I’d left on the sink and shoving them into the bathroom cabinet. I wasn’t quite quick enough though. As I turned around to pick the positive test up off the floor, I saw that she stood in the bathroom doorway, her eyes fixed on the test next to my foot.
“Savannah,” she said, her eyes meeting mine. “Is that yours?”
I dropped my gaze from hers, bending down to pick up the test. “Yes,” I replied, bursting into tears.
“Oh God. Come here.” She pulled me into a hug as I cried on her shoulder. After a few minutes, she guided me out of the bathroom and sat me down on my bed. She reached for the box of tissues on my nightstand and passed me one.
“Who’s the father Sav?” she asked gently, knowing I wasn’t dating anyone at the moment.
I shook my head. “Oh Libby, it’s such a mess,” I told her while wiping my eyes. “You’re going to hate me…everyone is.”
“Savannah, no one is going to hate you, we all love you. They might be surprised, but they aren’t going to hate you. Please talk to me.”
I sighed, twisting the tissue between my fingers as I plucked up the courage to tell her how stupid I had been. “The truth is…” I paused, taking a deep breath. “I don’t know who the father is.” I heard her breathe in sharply.
“What do you mean?” she asked, confused.
“I’ve…I’ve had a few one-night stands lately…” I trailed of. “I don’t know whose baby it is.”
“Didn’t you use protection?”
“I’m on the pill, but I got sick a few times after going out. I never thought…”
I heard her sigh deeply before taking hold of my hand. “What are you going to do?” she asked.
I looked up at her, surprised. “Aren’t you going to tell me how stupid I am and how disappointed in me you are?”
She shook her head. “You don’t need to hear that from me. You’ve made a mistake, one you already know has huge consequences. Not only are you my cousin, you’re my best friend, and friends don’t judge. I just want to help you sort this out.”
I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding. “Thank you,” I said softly, tears running down my face again. “I can’t imagine facing this on my own.”
“Sav, I’m here for you, whatever you need.” She paused. “I’m not sure how your parents are going to take this though. This is so out of character for you. Why didn’t you tell me what’s been going on?”
I could see the hurt in her eyes that I hadn’t confided in her, and I hated knowing I’d upset her. “I’m sorry Lib. You’ve been so happy with Mason, I didn’t want to burden you with my problems. As for my parents, I can’t tell them yet. Please don’t tell anyone.” I knew I was asking a lot by requesting she keep it from Mason, but I needed to get my own head around it before I could face anyone.
“I won’t say anything, I promise. You should have come to me. Is this because of Josh?”
I nodded. “It’s going to sound ridiculous, but seeing how happy you and Mason are, it just proves to me how unhappy I am. I’m so glad you and Mason are together, please don’t think I’m not,” I rushed out. “I guess I’m jealous that I can’t have what you guys have. I started going out more with some girls from school, and I met a few guys.” I dropped my head in my hands again.
“I’m so sorry Sav. I’ve been so caught up with Mason, and I haven’t spent hardly any time with you. If I had, I would have noticed how unhappy you were.”
“No Libby, this isn’t your fault. You should be caught up with Mason. It’s my stupid mistake and I’ve got to live with it.” I pulled her into a hug and we held each other tightly. “Mom and Dad are going to be so pissed.”
“Maybe at first, but they’ll come around. They love you and they’ll love your baby.” She paused and looked at her hands. “There are other options you know, if you didn’t want to keep the baby…adoption, or a termination.”
I waited for her to look at me. “I know Lib, and as upset and shocked as I am, I don’t think I could go through with a termination, or give the baby up. I’m keeping it.”
She nodded. “When are you going to tell your parents? You’re going to need your mom.”
I sighed. “Not yet. I’ll get it confirmed with the doctor first. Would you come with me?”
“Of course I will. I can’t believe you’re going to have a baby.”
I couldn’t believe it either. I was dreading telling my parents, could already see the disappointment in their eyes when I told them. It would mean dropping out of college where I was studying for a degree in business management. I loved the ranch and had hoped to help out with the business side of it once I graduated. The plan had been that eventually Brody and I would take over the running of it, once it became too much for our parents.
Now it seemed two of my dreams would be crushed under a mountain of dirty diapers and formula.