HAYDEN
Who knew cleaning actually gave you peace of mind.
Or maybe it was just me. I didn’t know, and I didn’t really care. It was Saturday. I’d been back at work for a few days, glad to have the familiar routine. While my colleagues called me an ass most of the time, because I was, they were still supportive as hell, which eased some of the pressure on my chest.
Katie was still a constant in my life, but I hadn’t kissed her again. In fact, we were now more like acquaintances than friends. It was polite between us, almost stiff, but I didn’t know why.
I was also too afraid to ask, worried she’d leave completely.
October was quickly becoming chilly, yet I had the windows in the house wide open, letting in the fresh hair, hoping to dissipate the smell of the cleaning products. I hated them, although they weren’t bad. It was just something I couldn’t stand.
Probably another reason I hardly ever cleaned as thoroughly as I was today.
Katie had taken Cory for a walk. Maybe I should’ve accompanied them, but I realized it was easy for me to pretend this was how my life was supposed to be—Katie, Cory, and me.
“Hayden.”
I spun, seeing Knox standing in my doorway.
He grinned at me. “Leaving the door open so people can come in to watch you clean?”
I smirked. “No. I left it open in the hopes that someone would come in and do this shit for me. What’s up?”
We didn’t do social calls, so I worried something was wrong at home.
He forced his hands into his back pockets, looking a little uneasy. “I just saw Katie and Cory outside. He sure is turning into a handsome boy.”
I nodded, my grin fading. “Yeah, not my doing. The only thing he has from me is my tempter. I think he’s started picking that up.” Knox nodded. I cocked my head, crossing my arms. “Okay. What?”
He seemed to think a moment, then rubbed the back of his neck. “Can we sit?”
I gestured to the living room and he sat on the couch. I leaned against the window, not wanting to sit. That would just make me even more restless.
The silence made me antsy, but I figured Knox would start talking whenever he was ready—and I would be a decent guy for once and not push.
“Katie says you’re not talking.”
We were talking plenty, but I knew exactly what he referred to. “There’s nothing to talk about,” I replied, hoping this discussion was over, but I should’ve known better.
“Yes, there is. How are you doing, Hayden? Really doing? Angry? Hurt? Numb?”
I raised my brows. “Have we grown vaginas overnight? Doing girl talk?” I’d hoped to get him to grin. Didn’t work.
He shook his head. “I don’t fucking care. You need to talk about it or it’ll kill you, eat you up from the inside. Scream at me if you want. Hell, we can throw some punches if you need to, but do something. Show some emotion.”
I gritted my teeth, wondering which insult I should give him, but I just shook my head. “I talk to someone. I’m good.”
He narrowed his eyes. “Cory isn’t someone. Talk to someone who tells you to pull your head out of your ass, grieve, then start to heal. No one expects you to get over the death of your best friend today, or next month, or even a year from now, but we expect you to live.”
I spread my arms. “I’m standing, breathing, and talking. I cleaned and put food in the oven. What more do you want?”
“Talk about it. Talk about hurting. Talk about being furious. Talk to someone who listens, who hugs you, who exchanges punches with you. Would you feel better if we went to the gym and boxed a few rounds? Get your anger out that way? Because you must be angry. Hell, I was when I first had Callum, too.”
Callum was his teenage son, and although I knew a little bit about Knox, I couldn’t see him being an angry guy. In fact, he was a decent one, polite and helpful at all times.
Finally, I walked over and sat next to him. I expected fury to engulf me, but it didn’t. Exhaustion spreading in my body, I sighed. “I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m glad Katie forced me to get back into a routine. Going to work and being around you guys makes things…bearable.”
Knox grinned. “Makes you feel like a man again instead of a feeding station, doesn’t it?”
I shrugged. “Yeah, maybe. I forgot you went through this, too. At least you were prepared before Callum was born.”
He chuckled darkly. “You think anyone is really prepared? Seriously? I think even parents who are married totally aren’t prepared for what’s coming with a baby. However, I chose to have Callum. You were thrown into this. Do you…” He hesitated. “Do you regret it?”
“I thought I would, but no, I don’t. I never thought about having children, but… I don’t regret having him. I do regret not being good enough to deserve him.”
Okay, maybe this whole sharing thing wasn’t good after all because saying those words to a grown man just felt absolutely and utterly wrong.
They also made me feel as if I had failed my son on the most basic level, and I didn’t even know why.
* * *
KATIE
Fall was my favorite season, always had been, yet I couldn’t help noticing how it felt different when you sat on a park bench with an infant while women walking by gave you happy smiles.
Some came over to talk to me, asking about Cory, his age, and everything else you could possibly want to know about him.
I knew most of the faces from the hospital, but didn’t remember names. In fact, I remembered some of the children playing in the playground across from where I sat. I could recall the conditions they’d been in right after being born, but their mothers? I knew the faces, knew which one had needed emergency surgery after giving birth, but I could not place a single name with them.
I thought I was part of the community. That I was a good nurse, treating her patients like human beings, not numbers. I realized I wasn’t.
“How are you, Katie?”
A woman walked over, her son, probably around six or seven, running off to the playground. His mother sat down next to me. I knew her, knew she had twins, the girl not surviving. I remember the girl’s name was supposed to be Grace. I still saw her tiny, blue body, having choked on amniotic fluid before ever leaving her mother’s womb. The woman had been inconsolable, and I remember telling her she had a son she needed to focus on. I’d sat with her for hours, saw her for days afterward—yet I could not, for the life of me, remember her name.
She must’ve seen something on my face because she smiled softly. “Maureen. My name’s Maureen.”
I nodded. “Maureen… I’m sorry. I couldn’t put a name with the face.”
She focused on the playground, and I followed her gaze. “You probably don’t remember, but I had twins,” she started. I wanted to prove to her that I wasn’t a complete idiot.
“Grace died because of the fluid in her lungs. I remember,” I explained softly.
At her silence, I turned to look at her, seeing her staring at me, an expression of disbelief on her face.
“I cannot believe that,” she muttered, outrage ringing out loud and clear. “I mean, I was perfectly fine with you not remembering me because of how many women you must see on a daily basis, but this? You can remember my daughter’s name, although you only spent all of ten minutes with her, but you cannot recall my freaking name? Are you for real? Is it just my child you remember, or all the dead ones?”
Confused, I shook my head. “I-I… Not just yours, and not just the dead ones. There are others—”
She smirked, cutting me off. “You know, I came here to thank you. You were my salvation in the days afterward. You made me see that I needed to take care of my son while I grieved my daughter. No one else could make me see that, but you did. I was impressed. You were so sweet. Was it like that already back then? You didn’t recall my name but knew my daughter’s?”
Most likely, but I didn’t say that out loud. I probably checked the name by the door each time I entered, but there was no use in angering her further, so I stayed silent.
“I cannot believe you.”
She stood and walked away, joining a group of mothers on the other side of the playground. Forcing myself not to cry, I put Cory back into his stroller.
I couldn’t change the way my brain stored things, couldn’t decide what I remembered and what I didn’t. The walk back to Hayden’s place suddenly seemed endless, and I nearly sobbed in relief when his house came into view. I wanted nothing more than to hand over Cory, go home, and open a bottle of wine—the biggest one I could find.
I rang the doorbell, although I had a key, and Hayden opened it not five seconds later, as if he’d been anxiously waiting for his son to return.
“Hey, Katie,” he greeted me. He unbuckled Cory and picked him up, then walked toward the kitchen, as if excepting me to follow.
“I’m going home, Hayden,” I called after him. “I’ll come by tomorrow, okay?” I worked hard to not let my voice break.
“I made dinner. Come on. Stay a little longer,” Hayden replied loud enough for me to hear.
“I’m not really hungry. I…” My heart raced. I knew I was going to burst into tears any second.
As if he could feel it, Hayden walked back, his hands empty. “What’s going on? You sound off.”
Instead of replying, I asked, “Where’s Cory?”
“In the car seat on the kitchen table. Katie? Tell me what’s going on.”
He reached for me, but I swatted his hands away. I couldn’t handle the concern in his eyes, the softness in his expression.
God, I didn’t know why I was so incredibly emotional right now, but I realized if Hayden touched me, I’d probably shatter into a million pieces. Although I might be put back together, I’d never be the same again.
* * *
HAYDEN
I knew something was wrong the moment they entered. I saw it on her face, but it hadn’t registered until she’d refused to stay for dinner. She usually stuck around, which I was grateful for.
However, I didn’t need her for me right now. I needed her around because it was what she needed.
Reaching for her again, I didn’t let her avoid my touch this time, cupping her cheek. It was cold from the crisp air outside, and I was glad I’d closed the windows earlier to get some warmth back into the house.
“Katie, talk to me.” I knew I was the last one to push, but my worry over her kicked in tenfold, nearly knocking the breath out of me—especially when she gasped, reaching for my arm as if she were going to collapse.
What in the world could have possibly happened?
She shook out of her jacket, her breath jagged. I framed her face with my hands to make her meet my eyes. She was white as a sheet, which terrified me.
“Jesus, woman. Talk to me. What in the world is wrong?”
She kicked off her shoes, holding my gaze, then she licked her lips, but only sobs came out.
Kill me now.
I couldn’t handle her pain. Tears, fat and taunting, streamed down her cheeks. I drew her into my arms, kissing the top of her head as she trembled under my hands.
“Whatever it is, it’ll be okay, Katie,” I assured her, wondering what I could possibly say when I didn’t even know what was wrong. “We’ll solve it. We’ll make it right. I promise.”
I squeezed her tighter, but she didn’t calm down. I just knew I wouldn’t let her go. No matter what, I’d get her to stay because she was too upset to be alone.
“Come on, Katie. I need to feed Cory, then we’ll get him ready for bed, okay?” Maybe focusing on him would calm her down enough to talk.
It always worked for me.
Problem was, her legs didn’t seem to work. Her sobs had calmed, but her body was still shaking.
“I’m a horrible person,” she whispered.
“What?” I wasn’t sure I heard her right. She pulled back to look at me, her hazel eyes puffy.
“I’m the worst person in the world. Every woman on that playground hates me now, Hayden. I’m a terrible person.” It was the last thing I expected her to say.
“Why? Did you spank their children because they were spoiled little brats or something?”
My words surprised a laugh out of her. “No. I wouldn’t do that. That’s their business. But...” She sighed. “I remember their kids, Hayden. I know almost all of their names. But the mothers? I recognize the faces, but the names escape me. Can you believe it? I know under which conditions they gave birth, but… I-I just…”
When fresh tears came to her eyes, I pressed my lips against her forehead, mainly to calm myself down and keep my impulsive ass from walking out that door and finding whomever had said something to her.
“You are a nurse on the maternity ward. The babies are your patients, your focus, so you remember them.”
She sniffled. “Even the dead ones.”
My heart ached, thinking about all the babies who didn’t make it, all the tiny humans who never got a chance to see the world.
“Someone has to, Katie.”
And I meant it. I knew the mothers probably remembered, maybe even the fathers. After all, only a mother could fall in love with a child before it was even born, right? No one else met that tiny human before its birth, and Katie remembering them made it…
I couldn’t put it into words. All the pain she remembered, the lost souls.
“You are an amazing person, Katie Pearson,” I assured her.
She blinked, then went on her tiptoes and kissed me on the cheek. It was sweet and brief, but it still made my heart flutter.
“You know, whenever you’re not being an ass, you are actually quite perfect, Hayden,” she teased, a small smile playing over her lips.
I grinned. “Stay for dinner.” I think we both needed it.
She nodded, wiping her cheeks. “Yeah. I don’t want to be alone anyway. What did you make?” She sniffed the air, but besides a little garlic and some herbs, I didn’t think she could really tell.
“Potatoes au gratin because my fridge didn’t have much else.” I needed to do some grocery shopping, but besides buying formula, I hadn’t been in the mood.
“Well, better than nothing, I guess.” She grinned, then exhaled deeply.
We were finally back on safer ground. I sure as hell hoped I’d never have to face another of her breakdowns because next time, someone was going to get hurt. I was sure Sarah wouldn’t appreciate having to tear me off some stupid suburban mom just because she hadn’t been able to keep her opinionated mouth shut.